I am struggling with my marriage. A small rant.

[somedude 6]

Not sure which forum to post in. I just want to let some steam out and maybe seek some advice.

I am US born Chinese and she is China born Chinese. So no doubt there are a lot of cultural clash issues. Both of our families are close so I assumed that there would be no risk of deceit. I have mixed feelings. I can see that she is trying to make an effort to fit in with my family and our lifestyle. But there are some things about her that seem contradictory. She is very independent and is now working and studying english. But she rarely takes the time to talk with me, but will talk with my parents. So maybe my communication skills could use some work, ok. I call her phone, send her text messages. She always says shes busy, or wasn't near the phone and missed it. But when we are both home, I see her glued to her phone and instantly replying to her friends. We often have fights because she says I am too controlling, and selfish. Which is true, but she barely tells me about her day, does not pick up the phone when she is coming home late. She will come home and say "Oh you called me? I didn't notice". Every now and then, I get it she is busy. But every single time? Come on. So I have many faults, okay I admit it, who doesn't? Whenever I talk about her faults, she says that is just the lifestyle she is used to. She often blames me, says I am the husband. I am supposed to be the bigger person and be more generous and be more trusting of her.

I am very conflicted, because at times I feel she really wants to work things out. But I often notice the inconsistencies in her words and actions.

Just now I had a big fight with her.

My family made plans for thanksgiving. Last week my wife said she cannot make it because she has english class. but she said the school is closed. But she said the teacher set up a class in ANOTHER school. Sounds strange but ok no problem. She tells me shes meeting with her non-chinese classmate (relevant soon) so she does not get lost. Okay no problem. I snuggle up beside her while she is on her laptop and I inadvertently notice she messaging someone on qq in chinese to wait for her. At a location completely different from she mentioned before. I subtlety (maybe I wasn't) ask her again where is she meeting the non-chinese friend. She accidentally said the location she is meeting the chinese friend but immediately corrects herself. I act confused, she said, oh she was just distracted. So she does not want to talk about the second person. She needs her privacy, okay no problem.

This morning, I offer to accompany her to school and she has a strongly adverse reaction. I said I wanted to spend some more time with her and meet her friend. She insists my spending time with my family is more important than her, but also says she absolutely must go to school despite family being so important. She asked why do I not trust her. She said she is really going to school and meeting with her non-chinese classmate. Okay, okay, just more and more odd things that I notice. She says she cannot find her wallet and asks me for money.

I go home and look for her wallet and find her student ID.

Now I am furious. I call her many times then she says she was in the middle of class and asked me what is wrong. I confront her about the student id and second meeting location. She says that she is in school and met up with multiple classmates and doesn't understand why she had to mention the other classmates. And said that I have problems and am being very selfish. For the ID, she said she didn't want to call me to bring her her ID and causing me so much trouble. I said I am your husband, why would it be troublesome? What's wrong with mentioning her meeting up with her other classmates? And she never even told me she had chinese classmates, she told me they were all non-chinese. Now suddenly she has a bunch of chinese classmates. Two of them being named "Jennifer (she has a coworker named Jennifer but hey its a common name) and "Croissant" (I do not know if she mispronounced it or was just pulling at straws at this point). She had ample opportunity to mention that she was meeting up with several other classmates.

The perfect ones being

1. When she first told me she could not make it

2. When she accidentally mentioned the second meeting location

3. When I was walking her to subway

I can come to two conclusions.

A. She is incredibly secretive and forgetful and unlucky and this is just a slew of bad luck, and misunderstandings.

B. She lied to me, I called her bluff and she continued to lie, and I confronted her and she still continued to lie. Part of it? All of it? I do not know.

Truthfully I had my doubts this relationship would work out from the very beginning but I wanted to be optimistic and ignore those little nagging thoughts. But now those little problems have amounted to a big pile. I had previously said I wanted her to leave and she kept saying I just misunderstood and I need to give her time to get used to my lifestyle. And I can feel her treating me better, but it is hard to forget the past. I am sure she is trying to change and be with me, but I can not help to think if she really loved me, she would have started doing this from the very beginning and not waiting for me to be upset with her.

So does she want to be with me? Or has ulterior motives? I feel like shes is not doing a convincing job either way.

She also dropped a bomb on me a few days ago.

She does not want to have babies until she finishes college and gets a good job. She is still learning ESL and struggling at basic english. So that is going to take what 5-7 years? And she does not want to have sex except to have babies. Our marriage was never consummated. She said she wanted to wait, okay no problem. But now she is saying we will have sex like 2 or 3 times and that is it. She said she might be interested in sex after giving birth. But damn, I would have to wait almost a decade for her to maybe be interested in sex? And probably never going to happen again? I thought this was supposed to happen when you have been married for decades AND after having an active sex life in the first few years. She said she hope this does not affect our relationship and it would be a pity if our relationship ends because of abstinence

here are my main thoughts and course of actions.

1.Be optimistic. Nothing in life is easy, struggling is a necessity. So I have to push on and try to make things work despite everything. And assume everything works out in the long run.

2. Be realistic. Do not give it my all, but do not give up. Do not get attached and remember the relationship may or may not work out.

3. Be pessimistic. Assume its over. Been over. Move towards divorce proceedings asap.

4. Be passive-aggressive. Pretend everything will work out, but I know in my heart its not going to work out and just try to make the present more comfortable then go for the divorce after the green card interview inevitably fails since we have no relationship evidence aside from one joint checking account, soon to be tax returns, and a handful of pictures which I forced her to take with me.

1 would be hard and stressful, 2 seems to be the optimal path, 3 seems a bit rash but maybe be better in the long run, and 4 is a cruel thing to do considering I promised to love her and take care of her forever.

Do I have feelings for her? Of course, I was very happy at the beginning and she appeared to be happy too. But instead now its a sort of bittersweetness. And I am afraid it will spiral into resentment.

[Ontarkie 13,979]

~~Thread moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits, from Off Topic - As a more appropriate forum~~

Moderator hat off

Before reading the spoiler sections I was thinking communication issues, and possibly cultural I was going to say never point out her problems as she would get defensive and try counselling to learn to communicate better. Now after reading the spoilers I see red flags, counselling would still be worth a shot but I don't think it will fix what is going on. Follow your gut, on this.

[fantonledzepp 159]

Dude, this is not good. Path 3 seems to be the best.

[Brian1967## 119]

Dude get some a help from a professional, if that does not work, follow the path for option 3 Divorce her it almost sounds like she is using you. I just sayin

[Darnell 8,478]

IMO, she has another life without you. It's contrived and planned.

I say cut yer losses now.

That's the short version, but I did read all of your stuff here, including the spoilers.

[NikLR 13,220]

I agree with Darnell and Ontarkie. A wife should want to share her life with you, not have one without you, which is what she is doing. Go with your gut and deserve more from your partner in life.

[Rich and Wen 101]

Yeah, this does not sound promising. Why would she need you to complain in order to treat you better? Everyone is, or should be, on their best behavior at the beginning. So if this is her best, think of what you have in store later. Be glad there are no kids and that you have not consummated your marriage. That makes it easier.

The "no sex" part would be a deal-breaker for me, and I'm not even the randy stud I once was.

[lost_at_sea 995]

Blimey. Yeah. I agree with the above posters. You could try counselling, but the way you describe everything... it doesn't sound good.

Trust your gut on this one.

p.s. The most telling thing you wrote in your post is...

but I know in my heart its not going to work out

Edited November 28, 2013 by lost_at_sea

[AmyWrites 593]

Picknumber 3. She's not into you.

[moroccogirlny 100]

From a woman's point of view, she's not that in to you. Go with your gut feeling.

[T&T&T 31]

cut your losses and move on....she has other interest....best of luck.

[Cliviania 8]

She is just not that into you anymore.............How louder do you want her actions to speak?

[Peter_Pan 661]

Why did you get married? Family pressure or romantic love?

[Ismael&Blair 66]

I agree with everyone...go with your gut feelings. The EXCUSE about no sex thing is a dead give away that something is definitely wrong. Sorry to read about your story!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Dude, I'm on my third marriage adn I have developed a serious allergic reaction to BS.

I didn't even have to read all of the stuff.

Run, don't walk. F counselling.

PS: Your SO should have a dying passion to want to spend every waking minute with you.