Cold Feet - Married a girl from China

[WhatSpoon 0]

So I got married last year - basically a very rushed marriage. We dated for about 4 months years back and suddenly decided to renew things. Next thing I know, I'm in China, my parents meet her parents and suddenly we're married.

We're pretty far along in the visa process and suddenly I have cold feet.

I don't think I trust her. Every time I've asked if she'd like me to come visit her, or to at least plan to attend her interview, the answer is basically no... let's not waste the money. She doesn't seem to have any interest in having me come to see her. We also only skype during her work hours. Never on the weekend. She doesn't seem to think of me at all on the weekend. If we talk, it's because I initiated. Makes me feel like I'm associated with work.

When we first met years ago, she was definitely in love with me. Very affectionate, and I knew that her whole heart was in it. This time around, well, we just haven't had time together.

She's got a friend, a male friend, that she hangs out with sometimes. She actually took a vacation, saying that her friend is there and can show her around. One day train ride, two days there, one day train ride back. Pretty clearly she's there to see him. I think she made a mistake telling me he was going to be there, because after dropping that on me she didn't mention it at all. She's fully capable of lying to do what she wants, hiding secrets.

I don't think anything is actually going on, more than likely it's just a last visit with a friend before finishing the visa and leaving China. She also has planned a similar last visit to a female best friend. I guess it's my own uncertainty, or my lack of trust in her that is steering me towards putting a stop to this. I didn't tell her my feelings because she hates being controlled, she doesn't need a second mother (her words). Her mother doesn't know about this trip.

Whether or not I put a stop to it, this is only one side of the story, so ultimately any advice anyone gives is going to be negative. No need to ask for advice on that, I'll just have to make up my mind.

My questions:

1. I assume pre-interview I can easily put a stop to the whole immigration process. Correct?

2. What are the divorce ramifications? We have no property in common, never lived together. We only had a few weeks together last year when we got married (in China). I'm a U.S. citizen.

[lost_at_sea 995]

Hi,

Sorry to hear you are having difficulties. You haven't completed your timeline, though, so it's hard for folks to know how far along the process you are.

You've submitted the I-130, correct - has that been approved?

It's certainly easier for the petitioner to stop any proceedings before the petition has been approved, as it's just as simple as sending a letter withdrawing it. If it's been approved and it's at the consulate, you'll have to contact them somehow and ask them not to proceed with processing her visa. It's very much more in the hands of the beneficiary (your wife) once it gets to the embassy stage.

Your (not yet completed) timeline link: http://www.visajourney.com/timeline/profile.php?id=168194

Again, please detail a little more about where you are in the process for the best advice about how to proceed at a technical level.

Of course - you probably don't really want to be that hasty.

Internet advice is the worst advice, because it's not really personal and we don't know you - but I wonder if you just need to have a candid chat with your wife about what's going on, what you both want, and whether she genuinely wants to move from China to live with you. If you believe she's not in love with you anymore - why does she want to continue this process?

Not sure about divorce ramifications. You have no intermingled assets, so there's not much to split. You should contact a local divorce attorney to understand the how/when etc. of divorcing a foreign national.

Edited September 7, 2013 by lost_at_sea

[himher 634]

So I got married last year - basically a very rushed marriage. We dated for about 4 months years back and suddenly decided to renew things. Next thing I know, I'm in China, my parents meet her parents and suddenly we're married.

We're pretty far along in the visa process and suddenly I have cold feet.

I don't think I trust her. Every time I've asked if she'd like me to come visit her, or to at least plan to attend her interview, the answer is basically no... let's not waste the money. She doesn't seem to have any interest in having me come to see her. We also only skype during her work hours. Never on the weekend. She doesn't seem to think of me at all on the weekend. If we talk, it's because I initiated. Makes me feel like I'm associated with work.

When we first met years ago, she was definitely in love with me. Very affectionate, and I knew that her whole heart was in it. This time around, well, we just haven't had time together.

She's got a friend, a male friend, that she hangs out with sometimes. She actually took a vacation, saying that her friend is there and can show her around. One day train ride, two days there, one day train ride back. Pretty clearly she's there to see him. I think she made a mistake telling me he was going to be there, because after dropping that on me she didn't mention it at all. She's fully capable of lying to do what she wants, hiding secrets.

I don't think anything is actually going on, more than likely it's just a last visit with a friend before finishing the visa and leaving China. She also has planned a similar last visit to a female best friend. I guess it's my own uncertainty, or my lack of trust in her that is steering me towards putting a stop to this. I didn't tell her my feelings because she hates being controlled, she doesn't need a second mother (her words). Her mother doesn't know about this trip.

Whether or not I put a stop to it, this is only one side of the story, so ultimately any advice anyone gives is going to be negative. No need to ask for advice on that, I'll just have to make up my mind.

My questions:

1. I assume pre-interview I can easily put a stop to the whole immigration process. Correct?

2. What are the divorce ramifications? We have no property in common, never lived together. We only had a few weeks together last year when we got married (in China). I'm a U.S. citizen.

May we know if you have submitted the I-864 (support affidavit?). If you have not then you can stop it at that stage and the case will go no further.

Divorce is easy and impossible to contest if she is there and you are here.

[destiny64 222]

Lack of trust isn't a good thing, talk to her about your feelings and then go with your instinct. Better to be sure from the start with marriage!

[WhatSpoon 0]

The I-130 is approved and yes I've signed the affidavit of support. The case is currently in the 3 month waiting time on the China side before being delivered to the embassy.

Honestly, she might love me. The problem is probably just me. Yes, I do think a candid chat is in order. Thank you for your comments.

[NikLR 13,220]

I agree a very candid chat before you go any further.

Honestly, trust is a HUGE part of a relationship. It can be earned, it can be lost, and it can be re-earned at great difficulty. IMHO she shouldn't have a problem sharing where is is going, who she is with, and should want to tell you about her day. But if you're nagging her about it, I can see why she'd be resentful. But none of us are there and can't see what's going on. Because of that, you need to evaluate yourself, your actions, your thoughts, and your feelings. Then evaluate what you're looking for in the relationship. I'd ask her what she thinks as well and then decide together what you should do.

Best of luck to the both of you, in whatever direction you end up on.

[Melsy Anh 3]

sorry i should say there is sth wrong in the relationship...cuz my husband and me talk on viber, whatsapps, ym all the time, we leave messages, take pics to show each thor about things we have done in a day.... and TRUST is very important, that we have to trust in our partners and also build TRUST in them. because being apart from our beloved ones are very difficult plus doubt will make us more frustrated and stressful. and its easy to come "break-up" when we fight because we are far away, we dont see each other so our feelings for them is less and we feel we can manage things and live without them. My husband and me have been fighting a lot before about not talking or because we are busy and can not talk.. so we both have to change and arrange our different time zone to be able to talk or chat to each other. have to sacrifice for love, friend. She loves u then she will know and understand your worries and of course she will adjust herself to fix things or make-up with u. trust me ... that is how love changes us talk it out to her so she can know about it also its a chance for u to understand her more and know what she really wants then you guys can make the best decisions. torture or suffer pains are not what love stands for...

[RandyW 149]

Not to nudge you in any direction - I realize you've got a major choice ahead of you - but if you decide to not go through with it:

The I-134 Affidavit of Support does NOT take effect unless she gets the green card by actually arriving in the U.S. after a successful interview. But that ball is in her court, since, if things progress, she could conceivably go through the interview with nothing further from you, if she were so inclined. She can derail the visa herself simply by not taking any more steps in that direction.

I've never heard of anyone wanting to derail an I-130 at such a late point in the process, but I expect that if you were to notify the consulate through their email form GUZ email form, they would put the skids on the application.

This comment is right on, with a very convenient separation of property already in effect.

Divorce is easy and impossible to contest if she is there and you are here.

Talk to a lawyer, if you decide to go that route, since there are probably notification requirements.

[Operator 1,925]

So I got married last year - basically a very rushed marriage. We dated for about 4 months years back and suddenly decided to renew things. Next thing I know, I'm in China, my parents meet her parents and suddenly we're married.

We're pretty far along in the visa process and suddenly I have cold feet.

I don't think I trust her. Every time I've asked if she'd like me to come visit her, or to at least plan to attend her interview, the answer is basically no... let's not waste the money. She doesn't seem to have any interest in having me come to see her. We also only skype during her work hours. Never on the weekend. She doesn't seem to think of me at all on the weekend. If we talk, it's because I initiated. Makes me feel like I'm associated with work.

When we first met years ago, she was definitely in love with me. Very affectionate, and I knew that her whole heart was in it. This time around, well, we just haven't had time together.

She's got a friend, a male friend, that she hangs out with sometimes. She actually took a vacation, saying that her friend is there and can show her around. One day train ride, two days there, one day train ride back. Pretty clearly she's there to see him. I think she made a mistake telling me he was going to be there, because after dropping that on me she didn't mention it at all. She's fully capable of lying to do what she wants, hiding secrets.

I don't think anything is actually going on, more than likely it's just a last visit with a friend before finishing the visa and leaving China. She also has planned a similar last visit to a female best friend. I guess it's my own uncertainty, or my lack of trust in her that is steering me towards putting a stop to this. I didn't tell her my feelings because she hates being controlled, she doesn't need a second mother (her words). Her mother doesn't know about this trip.

Whether or not I put a stop to it, this is only one side of the story, so ultimately any advice anyone gives is going to be negative. No need to ask for advice on that, I'll just have to make up my mind.

My questions:

1. I assume pre-interview I can easily put a stop to the whole immigration process. Correct?

You can send a letter to USCIS and to the GUZ IV unit. State that you wish to withdraw your approved petition and that you have begun divorce proceedings. Be sure to include a copy of your NOA2. A call to DOS with a visa specialist might help with more guidance on this.

2. What are the divorce ramifications? We have no property in common, never lived together. We only had a few weeks together last year when we got married (in China). I'm a U.S. citizen.

​You can divorce in your state if you meet the residency requirements. The rule I think is that the court will accept the legitimacy of the marriage as long as it was legal in the country where the marriage took place. They apply the laws of the state though. Any decent divorce attorney should be able to sort it out.

See my responses to your questions above.

You didn't ask for advice so please forgive me in advance. I would suggest; as others have, to have a open talk with her before you proceed with filling for a divorce. From my experience Chinese can be very frugal so perhaps she is concerned about your financial situation and doesn't think it wise to waste the airfare. Also my wife has male friends that she would travel to visit, I'm ok with it because I have met them many times. Also my wife almost never tells her mother when she travels so that she won't worry about her, Chinese parents are often very controlling.

Your situation is yours and only you can figure it out, I only offer my experience because there are some parallels.

Whatever you decide good luck.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Operator

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Even if she loves you, if that is not the kind of love that works for you, her being distant and not wanting to talk to you, then maybe it's not a good fit. Talk to her about what she is feeling.

[bigdog 376]

You can always take a trip to see her and get a good read on what's going on. Every time I don't trust my gut it is a bad result. Seek out your best friend or our father and have a frank discussion. Good Luck.

[stevie b 141]

Not to nudge you in any direction - I realize you've got a major choice ahead of you - but if you decide to not go through with it:

The I-134 Affidavit of Support does NOT take effect unless she gets the green card by actually arriving in the U.S. after a successful interview. But that ball is in her court, since, if things progress, she could conceivably go through the interview with nothing further from you, if she were so inclined. She can derail the visa herself simply by not taking any more steps in that direction.

I've never heard of anyone wanting to derail an I-130 at such a late point in the process, but I expect that if you were to notify the consulate through their email form GUZ email form, they would put the skids on the application.

This comment is right on, with a very convenient separation of property already in effect.

Talk to a lawyer, if you decide to go that route, since there are probably notification requirements.

OP is on a cr1 path.. 134 is not used it is the 864 that will be used by the embassy

[RandyW 149]

OP is on a cr1 path.. 134 is not used it is the 864 that will be used by the embassy

Yes, thank you. But the point is that it will not take effect unless she enters the U.S. on the CR-1 visa that he petitioned for.

[stevie b 141]

Yes, thank you. But the point is that it will not take effect unless she enters the U.S. on the CR-1 visa that he petitioned for.

yip gotchya, but the real point is to provide the OP with the correct information.. speaking to a 134 when it is not used will only add to confusion aye??

[iawait 9]

Hi OP: What you have described really sucks. I think she is having second thoughts and wants to see how things work out after she moves to the US. She has feelings for you but she is not sure about the relationship yet. Now, it may be that she is just using you to get to the US. But, maybe the former is true. I would go with my gut and try to move on and stop the process now. But, the decision is yours and you should always do what your experience and mind recommend. Good Luck with whatever you decide. Remember we are your family and friends here who support each other and also chime in our two cents. We wish the best for you and hope things work out between you and for her.