Is it time to go home???

[sarah9 14]

I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right forum, but here we go!

So I moved to the US in June 2011, married in July. I came on a k1, got my conditional green card, and I'm now at the point I need to remove conditions before the end of October. But I'm not sure if I will, or if I should just call it a day.

I am from the UK, had a wonderful life there, a great job and a very healthy bank balance. Since I moved here, I have not had the same luck.

After getting married, I quickly discovered that life wasn't going to be what I expected. My husband had debt, which I knew nothing about. I was hurt at first, but over the 2 years I have taken over the finances and managed to repay everything. Having always been financially responsible I found the whole thing very stressful, and I did feel a bit resentful that my husband hid these issues from me. It is now in the past, but for the first 2 years of our marriage it was hardly a walk in the park, and it has left a pretty bad taste in my mouth!

Problem number 2, which has been the biggest obstacle for me is that my husbands brother was staying here, as a source of extra money. I believed this to be short term, I was wrong! My husband owns the house, his brother is just a "roommate", he has no claim to the house etc. For a long time I accepted that although I did not like living with him, the money allowed us to pay off my husbands debt. Then came the point where we went away at Christmas to visit my parents, and came home to find we didn't have a bathroom. He decided to rip out the old one, and we are now in August, he still hasn't finished the room.

This was the final straw for us, and we asked him to move out in April. I should probably point out that his brother has been awful to me from day one, doing everything he can to make me feel like an intruder in my own home, trying to turn everyone against me, and succeeding in some cases. He does not respect my husband, and treats the house like a cheap motel. So 4 months after we told him to leave, and he is still here. I haven't spoken a single word to him this year, and he has done the same to me. My husband occasionally speaks a few words to him when discussing things like him moving out.... But other than that it is like a war zone here, us against him, with no one speaking.

On top of that I haven't been able to find a job, have made no friends, and have absolutely no life here, besides my husband.

So here comes the biggest upset for me, which I know a lot of people will not understand, but I hope there are some that can! Before I moved here I had 2 pugs, who I loved more than life itself. When I moved, I made the heartbreaking decision to find new homes for them, because it didn't feel it was fair to put them through the stress of the flight, and also I worried about them adapting to the extreme climate changes. I found a wonderful home, where they could be together, be happy and healthy.

Fast forward to the point where I had secured our finances, and I find a great breeder and take home a beautiful pug pup. She fills my days with joy, I take her everywhere and we were inseparable. I finally felt like I had a home, and a purpose.... And a friend, even if it wasn't human! Unfortunately she had health issues, which ended with her having a seizure in the middle of the night. While this happened, my husband also collapsed and had what I believed at the time was a seizure.

Never have I felt so alone.

My husband had to go through MRI and EEG tests, and doctors visits which wiped out our savings. (We do have insurance, but with a very high deductible... As we have never needed treatment before). Thankfully my husband is ok, and they suspect he collapsed due to the stress, and because his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen his body looked like he was having a seizure.

I then find out that our pup needs to see a neurologist, which will cost more than my husbands treatment. I loved my little girl so much that I had to make sure she got the treatment she needed, even if that meant she couldn't stay with me. We found her a home who could afford her care. This was 2 weeks ago, and I have hardly slept, or eaten and I doubt I will ever forgive myself for giving up on 3 dogs in as many years.

In both situations I honestly believe I did what was best for them, but it most definitely was not what was best for me. I feel utterly depressed, and alone without my companions. Particularly with the last pup, as she really was the only thing keeping me going in a country where I feel like I don't "fit in"

Now I am on a time limit to decide if I want to stay, because I have to remove conditions on my green card.

I love my husband dearly, or this would not be a difficult decision to make. I feel like since moving here everything has just fallen apart, there are a million other things that have happened that I don't want to put here, but seriously anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong..... All since I moved here. It feels like we are cursed.

I'm not saying that life was perfect in the UK, I'm not naive, I know life is tough, and I always try to muddle my way through the tough times. But things have just been hell for both my husband and I.

If I go home, my intent would be to try to file for my husband to follow me.... But thanks to the changes in the uk's policies it is now going to be very difficult to get him there. The best case scenario would be a year or so apart, but because my husband doesn't have a squeaky clean past, it is possible that after all that he may be refused. So we have to accept that if I go, there is a realistic possibility that it will be the end of our marriage.

I do not need advice on how to integrate into life here, I've spent 2 years trying. I've done my best, but been through so much pain here that it's difficult to not associate it with being in a different country. I hate that rude people feel they have the right to question me on why I'm here, just because I speak with a British accent. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying its everyone, but I can pretty much guarantee that every time I open my mouth away from the house, some complete stranger wants to know what I'm doing here. It's probably the area we live in, not the greatest, and I bet half the people haven't ventured out of state, never mind out of country!

What I'm trying to say is that I love my husband, I want to be with him, but as much as I love visiting America, I do not feel like I can ever have a happy future living here. And I am also doubtful that he can follow me to the UK..... It feels like I'm in a no-win situation.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just opinions of others who have had a tough time and considered leaving after a few years. I know I need to make the decision myself, I just feel so alone that it would help to hear what others did.

[MrsParker 13]

I'm sorry you are going through so much at once. I understand how you are feeling. I know what it's like to have someone basically in your space and I believe if your borther-n-law leaves that would releave alot of stress for both you and your husband. I think your husband may feel like he's in the middle of the situation ( Brother vs wife). I had to give up my dog of 5 yrs recently and still feel horrible about it, so I feel your pain. I do keep in touch and know that he is alright. You know it is said behind every great man is a great woman. That being said, you are doing what you are suppose to do with straightening the finances. No offense to men but they need help sometimes with this type of stuff. lol I understand you miss home, work, and of course the big money bag lol but give it some time and you will be able to have everything again. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, marriage included. I'm a USC by the way and my husband is the beneficiary.

Good Luck and stick in there..

[binky 0]

I completely sympathize with your situation. You must feel so completely lonely...

I know it must be so tempting to just abandon everything and go home where you might have some control, but I feel like you will miss your husband so much that you will only be more depressed. (you'll have given up yet another companion)

There must be some sort of solution to the brother situation. I know your husband must feel stuck in the middle, but I feel like he should sit his brother down and tell him that he needs to respect you and your husband and give your marriage the room it needs to breathe. If he doesn't leave, consider maybe taking some kind of legal action. After all, it's your husband's house isn't it?

don't give up yet! wishing you luck and happiness from way up in canada

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Sorry to hear about all of that, it does sound like a very bad situation.

Where do you live?

Something's got to change, for sure. A lot's got to change, really. Removing conditions on your GC doesn't mean you have to stay. You can leave at any time, so if I were you I would make that decision separately from the immigration aspect of it. I know it's a bit more money if you file it, but I think if you let that be the pressure you will be more unhappy, with time ticking away.

Can you get the police to come and evict the brother or get the parents to intervene and get him out? That sounds awful.

Can you move to another state/town where people are more worldly and there are more job opportunities?

It sounds like your husband isn't good with money, and even those past decisions are coming back now, like him choosing the cheapy insurance that later gets him in trouble.

I think if you got him out of debt he should be kissing your feet. What a great thing to do for him, you should be proud.

I know you said you don't want help with how to fit in, but I think if you were open to it a lot of VJers have good ideas, commiseration, and also good ideas on how to find jobs. What was your line of work in the UK?

I feel really bad for immigrants to move to backwater/provincial places. I have a lot of respect for people who can move to those places and make it okay. I just hear so many stories from people about how their neighbors are rude to them and it just makes me so sad. I wish USCs would think about this before moving their loved ones to their provincial town where no one has left the county line.

[sarah9 14]

Oh you are absolutely right! If the brother in law would move out it would make so much difference to my daily struggles! In the early days my husband was in the "middle" and it's for that reason I tolerated it. I watched his brother post on Facebook about how dumb immigrants are, and I let it go. I put up with more abuse than I could ever imagine, which is completely out of character for a woman like me! All because it was his brother.

When I finally snapped after finding my bathroom destroyed, and having to go to his mothers house to use the toilet or shower after a full day of traveling, and I told him that I was done putting up with his abuse. I wasn't the weak person he thought I was, I had kept quiet for my husbands sake. He was shocked, that this little mouse was actually a Rottweiler.... But then quickly went around telling everyone that I was bullying him. I am trying my hardest not to swear at this point

But my husband made his "choice" a long time ago, and told his brother to treat me with respect, treat the house with respect..... What happened? He started staying home all day trying to make my life a living hell, then disappeared before my husband came home to confront him.

There is no relationship between them anymore, and in desperation I went to their mother and explained. She staged an "intervention" in which the brother lied about everything, said he had never done anything to "make me uncomfortable" and that he treated the house with upmost respect.

The final straw for me was when my husband and pup were having seizures and I was screaming the house down in blind panic, having no idea what to do...... He didnt even get up. Then when my husband was conscious, he knocked on his door to tell him what had happened. He said ok, then shut the door and went back to sleep. This was 6 weeks ago, and the brother has not once even asked if my husband is ok. Great brother huh?

His mother knows about all this, and now if we mention the brother she just changes the subject. It's apparent now that we will receive no help there. Their dad passed away when my husband was a teenager, I have no doubt that if he was around today, none of this would ever have happened. From an outsiders view, mommy's rose tinted glasses of the older brother is what ultimately made him the horrible person he is.

If he were anyone else, we would have taken legal action long ago to get him out. But with family it is much more complicated. How exactly do we explain to the family why we packed up golden boys stuff and threw it on the front lawn? Not that easy is it? And he knows that, it's why he is still here.... He knows that if he stays long enough I will walk out. Which is number one reason why I don't want to go, I don't want him to win!

In answer to your questions, I am in Detroit. Probably not the setting you were imagining, but I can now see where you got that idea

That goes a long way to explaining why I can't get a job, it's pretty bleak to live here in the current situation. I guess we are lucky to live on the very outer limit of the city.... But it still sucks! The house my husband bought in 2000 is now worthless..... But he's lucky enough to have a huge mortgage on it left to pay off.... Yet more surprises for me after I took over the finances.

Here lies the problem with moving elsewhere. While I have worked hard to build up a great credit score, it's worthless without a job to go with it... I won't be able to get us a new home.... And if we leave this one, my husband stands zero chance of getting us somewhere. We are stuck so it seems.

I was an accountant in the UK, unfortunately we don't have the money for me to go back to school over here, and my degree isn't what they want here. I've tried applying for the lowest level finance jobs, that don't even require a degree, and I never even get an interview. In 2 years, I had one interview, for a receptionist at a car dealership.... Needless to say I didn't get it! I've tried banks, and some stores... But I will be honest, I have limits, and have not gone down the route of McDonald's or Walmart.

I know there are many that will criticize me for not being willing to do that, but I will not apologize for not being willing to do that after working so hard for 10 years to get where I was. My very first job at 18 paid more than than the receptionist job paid. I would get no satisfaction from a job at Walmart, I mean no offense to anyone who is willing to take those steps, but I just won't do it. I know if I went home tomorrow, I would have a temping job within a week. I am not making myself out to be something special, but in my field I have worked hard and have references that money couldn't buy. It's hard to accept that I have had companies create a job vacancy for me at home, and here I can't get a job at Macy's!

I'm sure some of you can understand its hard being a "somebody" to wondering if anyone (other than my husband) would even notice if you got run over on the freeway!

Harpa timsah, I really appreciate your input on the removal of conditions, I think you are right. That is what is making me feel like I have to decide right now. I guess the $600 is worth it, knowing I have not jumped into a decision!

I know many say, give it time..... But how much time is enough? I mean 2 years and 2 months is a pretty long time!

[Carla V 43]

First i think you should remove conditions too... you wont loose anything... and second... maybe is a bad advice but if you both are tired of the brother, why not sell the house??? buy another property to start all over... you love him and if is difficult to get him to UK, why not change the bad things you can control??? (like making the brother leave!!!!) about jobs... is difficult all over and what you can check is maybe outsourcing or work from home as a start...

And third... when you start a new life, separated from the brother... why not giving a shelter doggie a new chance in life too???

[Ontarkie 14,280]

I think it is time for the rest of the family to find out their golden boy has rusted. Boot him out let someone else deal with him and soon they will find out the truth. Look up the laws where you are and see what your options to have him removed from your home. It's your home just as much as your husbands.

I would make it my mission to have him removed, he's already making things up about you so give him something to really be mad about. You would be just following through what your husband has decided but to sick to enforce.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

You've really got a lot on your plate, it seems like a toxic situation, but you seem like a take-charge person who doesn't really have a network right now to help you take charge totally.

So I say, time isn't the answer, but making changes and making your life the one you want is possible and what you need to do. And I think you can do it.

I don't blame you for being totally fed up.

So brother: he's gotta get out of there. Talk to the husband seriously, evict him, or something. It's just not working and that's that. Why can't brother move in with his mummy? I know it's harder with family but being family isn't a pass, to me, to abuse someone like that, and make their life a living hell.

Re: House mortgage. Is the house "underwater?" I know it's so hard to get used to a new country's financial system, but have you looked into any relief programs or refinancing? Could you give the house to the bank and just dissolve what's left of the mortgage? If he's paying more than what the house is worth, then you're just losing money living in it, you know?

Re: jobs. I don't think you should go to McDonald's or something, and I don't think you are bad for not wanting to. There has got to be jobs that you can get, with your background, and even with the "wrong degree." Have you had an agency look at your resume and make sure it's up to US standards (and not a UK CV)? What about a bank teller or bank finance officer or something? I see lots of ads for bookkeepers around here too that don't require a degree. (I don't know what these jobs pay so sorry if it's a bad suggestion).

Re: friends (though you didn't ask) what about going to a meetup.org meetup? I went to one the other week and it was really nice, not creepy at all like I was afraid it might be

And I see you have a soft spot for pugs, but what about another breed this time, one that could travel with you if you were ever to move back?

[Owen_London 65]

In your situation, this is what I think I would do:

- Your marriage is not the problem, so I would do ROC. You can still leave later if you decide to then.

- Persuade your husband to move so both of you can find work. This could be the UK, where your qualifications are more useful, or somewhere like Houston, with high employment and low cost of living. Look into the different places to move and choose one or maybe two to concentrate on.

- Arrange a two week trip to that place, then spend time on the internet and email, arranging interviews with multiple companies there.

- If you don't have a job from the first trip, keep trying a few more times, and ask for feedback to help improve your interview technique and any other issues

- Move without much stuff, and try to keep paying the mortgage on your Detroit house

- And I agree with Ontarkie. Kick the brother out, legally. If you want to be nice, don't put the stuff on the lawn, put it in storage. Bear in mind, though, that his mother may decide to side with him, and support him, and be blind to the situation, because sometimes mothers just can't bear to provide tough love.

Good luck.

[Redflame2012 32]

Sarah,

This is a difficult decision for you to make. Get a piece of paper and write down all the positives and all the negatives...Sometimes love is not enough, especially when the rest of your life is involved.

Good luck!

Ps: feel free to PM me!

Sarah,

This is a difficult decision for you to make. Get a piece of paper and write down all the positives and all the negatives...Sometimes love is not enough, especially when the rest of your life is involved.

Good luck!

Ps: feel free to PM me!

[christeen 966]

Big changes require big risks! If you are truly pushed into a corner, then gather whatever strength you have and make a big move! If you are underwater... Walk away and start over... New city, new job, new hope... You can rent, no need to buy anything... It will take tons of time before you lose the house but lock it up, if for anything, so the brother-sponge will be forced to move on... You might get some perspective with some distance from the situation.... When you go, connect with meetup.com and find some groups that do things... Don't just apply online, go around personally... But Detroit is very bleak for ANY type of opportunity and there is a sad negative vibe, get yourselves out of that! Before you walk away and start over alone... Walk away and start over somewhere together! If that fails, you are no worse off than just cutting and running right now...

[Darnell 8,478]

Detroit? if you want another house in Detroit, buy one on ebay for less than 1,000 - move in, fix it up, and keep going.

No, I'm not kidding.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

http://detroit.craigslist.org/search/acc?query=+

[Tosh Love 77]

So sorry for all you are going through. It is a lot for anyone especially a new "transplant" from another country far away from anything that is familiar and comfortable. I want to address the job situation and make a suggestion. Detroit has about 50,000 homeless dogs at this time and PETA and several Humane Agencies are trying to help so to keep your mind away from your problems try and look up agencies that are looking for volunteers (which could turn into a full time position). There are also some funds and grants available in Detroit and around the country for this cause if you decide to do that. Whatever you do I wish you the best in your endeavors and please remember that this too shall pass. Just make sure you decide with your heart and not your mind.

[amykathleen2005 441]

If you don't have a contract with the brother then change the locks and be done with him.