Time to let go?

[rascalcat 28]

Also read from your posts that he has been cheating on you while you were apart AND together! all this and you are still with him??! why?? kick him out!!!!

[Sandra G. 5,022]

if he was cheating on you as rascalcat said i don' understand why do you need to hear other people's opinion? for me a cheater is a scumbag.I would not hear anyone opinions, actions speaks for itself.

[kelly11anne 6]

Wow, thanks for all the posts. They all really help. He was playing basketball in his country. He played professionally and coached at two schools. His day was very full. Classes at one school, then the other and at night pro practice or games. I thought this had something to do with it too. He was coming to the end of his career when we met and now he is 35. He feels he is too old to play pro now and just started a rec league. I had read that for most athletes the retirement when you get too old is hard. He feels certain he would have ended up with a coaching job at one of the pro teams there. What frustrates me is that he never said any of this at the time we were making the decision. I was willing to stay there a few more years to see how things went but he shot that idea down and said we should go to the US. There was little talking about the decision and we went headlong into it, me not even knowing a thing about the immigration process. We only had dated 6 months when this was going on. We were separated a year while I came to the US to get a life started for us (that's a whole other soap opera). This is my first marriage and first relationship that had made it to talking about marriage. I feel very foolish in retrospect but for whatever reason I really love him. I have come here to ask opinions because one day my instict says leave and the next says stay. I never thought I'd ever be in this situation. Most of my friends married high school sweethearts and are not only from the same culture but same community - even the same neighborhood! It's hard to find people who have a different perspective.

[Darnell 8,478]

there are semi-pro teams across the USA, usually the feeder teams for the Pros. It may be that he can get a coaching gig , if the two of you do some research about it.

but - he has not gone through the attitude adjustment yet - imo - he's got several areas to deal with:

1. marriage itself

2. culture

3. language (maybe)

4. racism (maybe)

so if he's not putting all of his time and energy into #1, somethings amiss. sure, marriage counseling is expensive, but there's some great books the two of you can work through, together, available at your local library. If you are lacking in titles or even basic library research skills, ask your therapist for a book list, and start cross referencing them at the library.

[kambingaso 9]

Perhaps there are others in the Ecuador portal who can give you cultural information, because I can imagine it would be a tough adjustment for him with all that he's going through. I've only known one guy from Ecuador, and he was a weirdo. Even the Mexicans didn't want to hang out with him, so maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe the way he is lashing out is a cultural thing, too, and if he finds others to talk to before coming home--it would help? Sometimes us guys get childish and selfish when we go down that spiral and we feel like everything is gone and our partner may not understand. I don't remember reading about him cheating on you, but that would be a deal-breaker for me. His willingness to move sounded like a "mid-life crisis" kind of deal. Perhaps he jumped at the first opportunity that sounded good without really thinking, explaining, and planning. Maybe you two need to sit down and re-evalutate things and make plans and contingency plans with goals laid out. When a man doesn't have goals he's not really living. If almost everyday I've worked hard, but I'm a little closer to one of my goals, I tend to feel like I had a good day.

Good luck. I hope he can grow up, and that you can work it out.

[davenella 21]

To davenella: I'm glad you wrote that about the culture. I found that out the hard way. That's exactly what he says and uses a lot in fights. "Look how much I did for you and it's your fault for not telling me how awful this country is. You should have known it would be so hard for me." I think it's worse for a man in a way because of the work. He has had a hard time finding a good job. He had been an athlete in his country and was paid decently for that country. Here there are not jobs in that and he is not making as much as he thought he would. Like a lot of people from there, I think he thought he would come here and make a ton of money. He is doing fine and has bought a truck and we are doing fine financially, but he wanted more I guess. Before he had enough to live well and spend extra on whatever he wanted. Here it's not like that for us and sometimes I have to say we can't afford things. He reminds me a lot about the great life he left behind for me and how if he goes back he will have to start all over again from zero and if he ever has to do that he will hate me forever. I think that is where I feel the more guilt or the thing that makes me feel the worst.

Kelly anne, i can tell that you are feeling guilty of what hes going through or what he will have to face if he goes back to Quito. But something you should remind yourslef is that nobody put a gun in his head and forced him to go. The biggest part of the desicion of moving was from him. Probably he wants more money from one day to another but he should know that it doesn't work like that in any part of this world. If you start from the beginning yhings go slower. You both already got a truck and thats amazing! you are on your way. If he still have that attitude he will just make more holes in your heart and you will start feeling more miserable. You need to look for your happiness. If you love him a lot and you keep seeing both of you together on a future then ... try for some more time. Maybe he can get into this page and i'm sure that a lot of latinos can give him good advices.

I'm sure you are feeling better after receiving a lot of messages of support. Keep writinG. We will be here for you

[Maxheadspace 48]

he has threatened divorce and leaving me pretty much anytime we have a fight. /quote]

Accept his offer and buy him a plane ticket. He is using the divorce card as a weapon in arguments. Time to either go through with the threat or take that "weapon" off the table. He will not stop pulling that out and using it in every argument. I've seen that too often. Good luck! Keep your own happiness at the forefront. As someone else pointed out here, a married couple should never bring up the issue of divorce or separation during arguments, or they will make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Scott65 27]

Is it time for me to let go? Most of our relationship has been rough and he has threatened divorce and leaving me pretty much anytime we have a fight. I have always fought to save the marriage. I realized that I have heard many times how much happier he was when he was single and in his country and rarely hear how happy he is with me. What is he waiting for? Should I just end it? In one breathe he tells me that he wants to go back and in the next he talks about us buying a house in the future. I can't keep up. MY LIFE used to be so simple. Now it's a daily struggle to avoid fights.

Kelly Anne... As I read these posts remember some advice is good and others not.. With that said I've been a Marriage and Family counselor for a good 15 so I will drop in my 2 or 3 cents worth.

• 1st and as a couple others have hinted. If there is cheating of any kind going on by one or both.. the cheating either must stop OR you get out. There never is a place for three in a couple. So only you know the truth here but it is how I counsel all of my couples all of the time.
• 2nd if the cheating is going on then realize.. you will have a long road ahead in learning to and regaining trust. Which, are one of the "must haves" in any relationship. Thus the question.. Do you think you can learn to trust again? Not he trust you but you trust him. I speak from experience and after nearly 10 years I realized, for me, it would never happen. Especially when I learned of yet another stint of cheating was happening.
• 3rd a relationship is, of course, two people working hard and giving 200% to make everything work. A relationship cannot be one sided. It does not matter how hard you work if he does not. Not then.. Not now.. and definitely Not in the future.
• 4th both of you need to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.. as an individual FIRST. If either of you is not many difficulties arise from this one point. I could tell you many stories but in the end both of you need to be working toward that individual goal. So go to a counselor by yourself. It will not hurt the relationship and you will do yourself a world of good.
• 5th communication is as essential as trust. Both of you must talk about yourself NOT the other.. Statements such as "you did this" or "you did that" are never appropriate. If this is going on it will take a huge effort to change this. AND must change to get the relationship healthy. So think in terms of "I" "I need this to happen" or "I feel this"...
• Finally, only you can make the decision to either continue or end.. Hopefully you have a close confidante to talk through your feelings and beliefs on the issue. But in the end.. What feels right to you and how will you find your happiness?

I hope this helps and not muddies the water.. I know you are going through a ton of hurt and pain.

Edited April 15, 2013 by Scott65

[RICARDO4EVA2 194]

Sad to read this.

My suggestion is to think of your your happiness. What will make you happy.

Good luck.

right.. probably need to get with a counselor

[oohpartiv 484]

Coming from another American woman married to an Ecu-man, I can tell you one thing - he will not change. Ecuadorian men are extremely stubborn and very proud. At the beginning, it's about getting to know each other and getting comfortable living together, finding what works together and what doesn't. When I first start living with my husband, it was like you said - arguments over stupid little things that he just couldn't seem to get over, most of which were cultural. But, as time went by, we began to understand more about each other and our respective countries, and he began to understand that being with an American was completely different from dating an Ecuadorian. Ecuador is much more conservative than the States (obviously), and machismo is still alive and well here. The cut and dry of reality is that you've either got a machista or you don't, and unfortunately it sounds like you do - childish reactions, threats, cheating, etc. Just because he doesn't confine you to the kitchen doesn't mean he's not a machista.

If he's already 35 years old and can't be mature about the problems in your relationship, he won't get better. It's not a matter of him understanding your culture anymore, it's a matter of him being selfish and childish, and not wanting to take responsibility. Unfortunately, most mothers here spoil their sons stupid, and ill prepare them for the real world and their future relationships. Missing his home country is normal and understandable - especially since families are so close here - but leaving or threatening to return to Ecuador after every argument is NOT normal, or healthy. Not to mention that he's cheated on you. After all the emotional stress of constant arguments, I would think that would be the absolute FINAL straw. Being the person to initiate the breakup is difficult and scary, but you have to do it for your well being. You can find someone so much better for you, who doesn't have you walking on eggshells. If he wants to be with other women or come back to Ecuador where mommy will do his laundry and cook for him, let him. You need a MAN, not a 35 year old child to worry after.

[Jawaree 717]

Some ppl do not assimilate easily, but true love and really knowing that other person before marriages

teaches you about each others country & culture and to respect it. My wife is USC we have a college teen and 2

younger ones that spend most time with me due to situation, my wife flys so at least 3 or so days of the week I am

mr mom, Now could it be that he feels stifled...he's a small fish in a huge pond and while in his own country he's

a big fish in a small pond? everyone that had certain public success suffers after the glory days if nothing was set

forth for the change, Only you have the answers but don't just walk away because its easier to do, however be mindful

of your happiness...when on good terms talk like friends have him ask you questions and you ask him questions, do you

still love me, want to spend your life with me, what do I say or do that makes you get angry (because I would like to stop)

what can I do to make it easier for you, find you a church home, do some volunteering and include him ...best wishes.

[TBoneTX 43,413]

Coming from another American woman married to an Ecu-man [...] You need a MAN, not a 35 year old child to worry after.

Where's the +100,000 button?

I was going to say -- to emphasize what Part IV has said above: Are you often (or always) walking on eggshells around him?

What's the reflection of yourself that you get as a result of being around him? Do you feel like a million bucks, or do you feel like two cents?

Others may have different standards, but if anyone cheated on ME, the relationship was immediately and permanently over.

Finally: With all the normal, respectful, monogamous single men in the world, THIS is the best that you're settling for?

[john gibbs 17]

i would write immigration and pull his affidavit of support.

he's a user.

let him work out his own path to citizenship.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Wow, thanks for all the posts. They all really help.

He was playing basketball in his country. He played professionally and coached at two schools. His day was very full. Classes at one school, then the other and at night pro practice or games. I thought this had something to do with it too. He was coming to the end of his career when we met and now he is 35. He feels he is too old to play pro now and just started a rec league. I had read that for most athletes the retirement when you get too old is hard. He feels certain he would have ended up with a coaching job at one of the pro teams there.

What frustrates me is that he never said any of this at the time we were making the decision. I was willing to stay there a few more years to see how things went but he shot that idea down and said we should go to the US. There was little talking about the decision and we went headlong into it, me not even knowing a thing about the immigration process.

We only had dated 6 months when this was going on. We were separated a year while I came to the US to get a life started for us (that's a whole other soap opera).

This is my first marriage and first relationship that had made it to talking about marriage. I feel very foolish in retrospect but for whatever reason I really love him.

I have come here to ask opinions because one day my instict says leave and the next says stay. I never thought I'd ever be in this situation.

Most of my friends married high school sweethearts and are not only from the same culture but same community - even the same neighborhood! It's hard to find people who have a different perspective.

No-one's life is perfect, no-one. They can claim it is, but everyone has some issue in their life (health, wealth, family, friends etc).

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, my one prior to my marriage. I remember not being happy going home. How going home was more stressful than work. How my weekends were stressful. Walking on eggshells because I didn't know what would set him off. He tried to control everything, including what time I went to bed and what time I got up... sometimes it was easier not to fight (a girl I know is getting divorced and she is finally getting a haircut after a year because he wouldn't "let" her). I could not have been more relieved when our relationship ended (thankfully with him changing states for school so it wasn't "messy")... sure there's the loneliness, but the peace was the best.

It is not normal, in my opinion, to consider leaving. If you were happy, you would never think of that. Even when unhappy that is not where your brain should go, it should go to "I need some quiet time", not "I'm leaving his butt".

What I think you should ask yourself is WHY do you want to stay? Because you love him? Love is not enough. How does he make you feel? Do you think of him and smile? Do you look forward to being home on the weekends? Of spending time with him? Do you spend more time unhappy than happy?

You said he doesn't enjoy counseling, not everyone does, but it serves a purpose and if saving your marriage was important to him, if you being happy was important to him, he would try whatever he could to make it work. It sounds like, just as my ex thought, it's either his way, or no way.

Do what will make you happy, for life. Do you really want to live your life like this? Can you imagine the next 10 years? Does the thought of future fill you joy? or fear?

[TBoneTX 43,413]

Si to Vanessa just above.

I settled on this Hierarchy of Happiness pyramid, listed from best to worst:

1. Happily married

2. Happily single

3. Unhappily single

4. Unhappily married

If #1 is unattainable (as it sounds), #3 and #2 are preferable.