dragging feet to come to the US

[beejay 123]

You're a very intelligent woman with zero self-esteem.

IMO, I would rather be single for the rest of my life than a have husband like yours.

Open your eyes to the reality of your situation.

Divorce him, finish your studies, practice your profession and hope that somewhere in between you'll find a REAL man who deserves you.

Good luck girl.

Right on apple21!

rkk1, do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life?

I think it's one of those things where you won't realize how bad it was until you are out of it. Do yourself a favor and set yourself free from this marriage and your manipulative husband. It's never going to get easier.

[Laveau 67]

I respectfully disagree with the opinions of rad2rising, bebero, and aschenbecher.

rkk1, your husband doesn't sound like a bad man. However, he has a sense of entitlement (I'm referring to his request of a car with the tax refund and the plan to send money back home even if it means not contributing to his USA household once he's here).

I don't interpret anything the OP wrote as her demanding her husband pay her bills. Expecting a spouse to carry their weight and put you as a priority is not asking a lot. But perhaps it is for some.

[amyandjorge 76]

I just wanted to know if most of the foreign spouses were excited to come to the US and be with their husband/wife, or if it felt like they were more content to procrastinate as long as possible to come here.

I'll answer your question. This is my personal experience.

My husband had to make several 8 hour bus rides back and forth to the capital which took days, to get paperwork over and over again. I sent him money once for his birthday and once at the end of the school year. When he moved in with his parents I didn't send him any cash but I did send him what we will call 'money-making opportunities'. My husband then used the money he earned to buy me plane tickets and paid for everything while I visited. (I did pay for all of the immigration expenses though)

I went with him to the interview in the embassy, I told him I was fully prepared to purchase his one way ticket the day of the interview so he could fly home with me. He said, much to my dismay, that because his mother was ill he might not be able to leave that same week. I told him it was up to him when he wanted to leave Honduras, but I wanted him to come with me. After we walked out of the interview with an approval he looked at me and said, can we buy my ticket now!?!

Family first, but I am his family now!

Good luck with everything, you know your options and it sounds like you know your outcomes.

[Boiler 43,546]

It would seem that your Husband has much more in the way of ties than you have to the US.

Why did the two of you decide he should be the one to move?

[mfranc68 31]

What is worse then living your life alone and never finding the "one"? Living your life with someone that brings you nothing but misery. The sweet smiles and roses gets OLD real FAST when there is nothing else behind it. I was married to a woman that I loved with all of my heart and soul. She brought me nothing but misery. I stayed for a number of reasons. I wouldn't go into details, but the main reasons were because I truly loved her and because I didn't want to be alone. We were together for 7 years, five of which we were married. Do you want to know what happened? She told ME that she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. That is after she spent EVERY cent that I had and maxed out ALL of MY credit cards. After I moved out, her BOYFRIEND moved in. The one she flew to Las Vegas with and married.

So, I wound up alone anyway and so much for our "love". I NEVER thought that I would find love again. I didn't think there was anyone out there for me. I thought I was doomed to spend all of my life alone. I NEVER imagined that I would find love again, let alone with a woman in a foreign country. (And she is smoking HOT IMHO ). Life is funny that way. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW what life has in store for you. But, if you think that staying in a bad marriage is your ticket to happiness I wish you the best of luck. BTW, I am leaving to see my "negrita" on the 30th. See, I am even learning a new language!

I wonder what would have happened if I had left when I was unhappy instead of living in misery and waiting until my Ex was through with me.

One last thing. I don't know how much you know about men, but let me tell you this. Men go after what they want. They are agressive. If a man wanted a woman he would crawl over broken glass naked to get to her. Just something to think about.

[Darnell 8,478]

how about you start working and providing for yourself like the adult that you are?

-40 points for not knowing the backstory, easily available by studying her prior posts.

[cursing into my tea...]

[Darnell 8,478]

I respectfully disagree with the opinions of rad2rising, bebero, and aschenbecher.

Concur. But I'd be a tad disrespectful about it, tossing the 9 inch pile of printed topics from rkk1 at the three of them, then forcing them to read all.

[nah, I'm not forcing anyone, really - but I do hate this types of comments - as it proves up the posters made NO TIME WHATSOEVER to read the OP's prior topics and posts]

rkk1 - lass, you got the wrong fella. All of his scheduling forays could have been easily handled. He's chosen not to do stuff on YOUR schedule, and IMO, that's just the window dressing on the windowpane into a painful future existence.

He can't claim ignorance on anything - he DOES, after all, have a computer, internet access, and semi-decent google skills.

[Boiler 43,546]

It would be reasonable to presume that he will wish to bring his Parents over as soon as he can. Perhaps that is the reason for a separate apartment?

Perhaps he thing delaying the move will reduce the time for that to happen?

[Laveau 67]

It would be reasonable to presume that he will wish to bring his Parents over as soon as he can. Perhaps that is the reason for a separate apartment?

Perhaps he thing delaying the move will reduce the time for that to happen?

I think you're confusing the OP with AugHem.

[him4life 13]

i thought it was the opposite way, usually its the US spouse that sends money to the person they sponsoring, since conditions in their home countries are harsher than the US, if you are looking for someone to pay your school fee and bills, then this man is not the man for you, i suggest u give him an ultimatum about the divorce, and see what he has to say, if he does not shake up his attitude and act like he dont care, then there is your answer, i suggest u find yourself someone who is in a good job here in the US and is willing to provide for you, and love u the way you are

good luck!

[Golden Gate 530]

Being married to someone from another country where traditional values still prevail means that you will have to accept they are going to follow their traditions no matter what you say about it (his parents as priority). It seems that something significant isn't right here - you are both strong-willed in your different ways, and you want to coerce each other to be different. Reminds me of a couple I know well, who are now separated, more than likely divorcing. One wanted the couch 4 inches one way, while the other wanted it the opposite. This silly detail aptly illustrated the dynamics of their lives together. Now their three children are suffering the consequences.

[catknit 144]

Well Rkk1, my "but he's acting like a lot of Indian guys I know, it could get better" view is shifting with this latest development.

Personally, I've seen a handful of desi guys get on board after an adjustment period [which I, the arm-chair social scientist, feel is based on cultural peer pressure in the US]. But, it appears your husband is so entrenched in his textbook Indian son lifestyle that he isn't seeing the tree for the forest [or the forest for the trees - I always get that one mixed up]. He is firmly in the throws of the good little beta black hole. The funny thing is, longer term, shifting to the US and having a respectable and loving relationship with you will probably pan out better [with respect to general happiness and finances] than what he thinks is working at home. Given his propensity to be argumentative to win the point and feel superior, common sense [which you appear to have a great grasp of] doesn't matter to him. He is very in-the-moment centric. [Again, I think this is a symptom of Indian-guy thinking - based in culture, past experiences, etc - my now US-based husband still thinks retirement planning is all bunk because we could die at any time. Questioning this leads to a list of cousins, friends, family, neighbors and a litany of accidents, illnesses, and other bizarre circumstances that lead to untimely deaths. Granted, it took time, but we know have a retirement plan in progress.]

Think hard and keep talking to your family. Also, at one point you mentioned having a therapist - I know many med schools have great supplemental/auxiliary programs on campus for life-issues. Utilize them! Take some deep breaths, start [or keep writing] a journal. Since he's dragging his feet, it gives you time to come to a decision that works for you. If that decision leads to ending the marriage, then so be it - get the support you need to make it as quick and painless as possible.

[Memphis 26]

OP- Please..just wake up! I truly felt sorry for you. .."he freaks out when you wont call him..", BOOM! He is scared to lose you.. YOU are his ONLY passport to US!

[TimeTravel 78]

I never asked him to pay for all of my expenses here. I have told him even sending me $150+ a month would be a huge thing. Even though it wouldn't buy all that much for me, at least it shows that he sees his wife as his responsibility. (Though he simply says it isn't cost effective for him to send money, and that the conversion fees aren't worth it. Although I get that, I think he still should man up and stop being such a 'boy', which he refers to himself as.) I don't like his attitude that he doesn't feel he has any responsibility towards me. He says that when I visit him in India (which I did last in February) that he pays my local bills, but I tell him that I'm still his wife whether I'm there or here. Furthermore, my problem is that he doesn't respect my money. He's been hoping that I would mail him a tablet computer (which I purchased for him to use AFTER he gets here to the US), but he wants me to mail that computer to him despite the $150 shipping cost, which I'm unwilling to spend. It disturbs me that he would never want to waste $150 of his own money, but he doesn't care to waste $150 of my money. Thus I feel like him being expected to provide for me in some way would only teach his some responsibility, which he appears to lack.

As an Indian, he must take your responsibility. I dont know how much your husband make a month, because $150 may be large money for someone who just makes up to $400 a month in India. But $150 may not be big money if someone is making at least $700+. But anyway, you can give him an option to pay you as his wife ( whatever he can afford). Sending small money is affordable if it is sent using PayPal. It is good for up to $200 International fund transfer, and it is much cheaper than any wire transfer for smaller size amount.

[rade2rising 205]

plz dont misunderstand my views. This is a major culturual issue. You must understand people from India unlike Americans and Europeans do not just abandon their parents after marriage because of their spouse. Here in USA that is almost expected. I think OP is abit more American in her ways of thinking and nothing wrong with that AT ALL but please do not destroy this man's life. I think few people here saying correctly you should leave him. I agree 100%. Leave him so both of you can be happy. Also you cannot pushed down his throat the idea of adoption. You will spend most of your marriage fighting over stuffs. I personally think he is being very responsible and I do find it quite insulting that you would begin to suggest he send you money to support you. Its quite funny except its not.

I know many ppl here disagree with my opinion that is fine but LIKE ALWAYS here on VJ every story has 2 sides not to mention the truth. I find it very sad that so many folks here jumping all over this guy without knowing the complete facts of the case.