does racism go away after moving to the US?

[rkk1 34]

Hi all. I was just wondering if racist attitudes can change after one comes to the US and is exposed to a more diverse culture. My husband and I are in the middle of the visa process as he still hasn't been to the US yet. He grew up in a small city in India where everyone is like him (at most there are lighter 'fairer' skinned Indians as well as 'wheatish' (tan) Indians). Until he met me, and we travelled together to larger cities in India, he had never seen a white person or a black person or an East Asian person (besides on tv). As such he still has prejudices, and will sometimes say things that make me cringe. For instance, he thinks that white people are really beautiful, as has a fascination with blonde haired women (which I am not, as I am myself Indian-American). At the same time, he openly stated today (to my dismay) that he thinks that some people from Africa are too dark to be aesthetically pleasing (my paraphrase). I told him that he's being racist. He doesn't think he is racist, because he really likes Martin Luther King, Jr (and has MLK's "I have a Dream" speech saved on his cell phone. He has a good portion of that speech memorized). When I mention that I dislike how he is so attached to skin color, he simply dismissed it and says "it's a matter of personal preference. In India, we find fair skin to look better. Your parents don't like Muslims that much, so if they can have their preferences, I'm also entitled towards mine". I'm like "I suppose, but I'd rather live my life in a more inclusive way rather than find shallow and unnecessary reasons to dislike anyone." He was like "It's not that I don't like them, but I think fairer skinned people are better looking."

(On a side note, another thing is that my husband thinks it is okay to use the word "N--ro". I told him we don't use that word here, but say "African-American" or "black" instead, as people find the "N" word offensive. He started arguing with me, and saying that it can't be an offensive word since MLK, Jr himself used that word in his "I have a dream" speech. I told him that that was the 1960s, and this is now. I don't know why things have changed, but couldn't offer him any better perspective.)

I'm just wondering if such attitudes might change after he comes to the US and meets more people. I will definitely make an effort to expose him to a lot of minority groups, whether it be racial minority groups, or those with 'alternative lifestyles' (gay acquaintances, etc). I just want to take him out of his comfort zone and help him to stop fearing the unknown. All these minority groups are unknown to him, as he grew up in such a homogenous society.

I realize this is a sensitive topic, and that this topic can easily degenerate. I will request people to please keep any kind of bigoted or hateful comments (towards any group of people) off this thread. I simply would like to know if anyone here has seen changes in their foreign spouses after the spouse spent some time living in the US. From foreign spouses, I want to know if people have found themselves less fearful and more inclusive of people of other unfamiliar groups or lifestyle after moving here. Although my husband's words make me cringe, I'm just hoping his attitude will open up once he's exposed to the diversity here.

[Que Saudade 284]

It is a difficult situation to say the least. But in my humble opinion, I do believe that exposure to more diversity can change an opinion as long as hate hasn't been fostered through his early years. Doesn't sound like that from your post.

I have read from other VJ members how quickly their spouses adjusted to the new culture and embraced all the diversity. So, it is a case by case deal.

Best of luck with your situation. I can sense your frustration. I hope it goes well for you.

[Lillian 11]

To my disappointment, I didn't know racism exists, until I came here.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Lillian

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

An interesting predicament on your hands.

I am not sure if Negro is offensive though one can argue that it depends on the context. The other N word is of course offensive. But on a serious note I can quite describe someone without having to dive into using such colloquial descriptors. Perhaps you can subscribe him to a national daily in his future American area so that he can get acclimated to aceptable languages.

Even in racially flexible Southern California I think he will need to make quite a significant adjustment. The time for the change is while he is in India, IMHO.

My Fiancee doesn't have any friends that are not Nigerians and seems quite intrigued and looks forward to meeting my racial diverse group of friends. We did have a moment of correction when she innocently referred to a group of Chinese folks as C****o.

I can't say that I envy your position since Mr. Man seems not to be very responsive to corrections and seems argumentative. Good luck.

[X Factor 1,110]

If he expresses himself like that he will be in for a rude awakening and will adapt. Don't sweat it. Also you may have him read the book "Culture Shock USA" which is available on Amazon.com for under $10.00 to round out his viewpoint and expectations in the USA.

[bayojona3231 4]

He will need to adjust to his new environment and I think he can if he is willing to change. As others have suggested, buy him a book about Diversity on Amazon.com. Give him some time and he will change if he wants to. It is up to him. I understand your frustration. Good luck.

If he expresses himself like that he will be in for a rude awakening and will adapt. Don't sweat it. Also you may have him read the book "Culture Shock USA" which is available on Amazon.com for under $10.00 to round out his viewpoint and expectations in the USA.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Hi all. I was just wondering if racist attitudes can change after one comes to the US and is exposed to a more diverse culture. My husband and I are in the middle of the visa process as he still hasn't been to the US yet. He grew up in a small city in India where everyone is like him (at most there are lighter 'fairer' skinned Indians as well as 'wheatish' (tan) Indians). Until he met me, and we travelled together to larger cities in India, he had never seen a white person or a black person or an East Asian person (besides on tv). As such he still has prejudices, and will sometimes say things that make me cringe. For instance, he thinks that white people are really beautiful, as has a fascination with blonde haired women (which I am not, as I am myself Indian-American). At the same time, he openly stated today (to my dismay) that he thinks that some people from Africa are too dark to be aesthetically pleasing (my paraphrase). I told him that he's being racist. He doesn't think he is racist, because he really likes Martin Luther King, Jr (and has MLK's "I have a Dream" speech saved on his cell phone. He has a good portion of that speech memorized). When I mention that I dislike how he is so attached to skin color, he simply dismissed it and says "it's a matter of personal preference. In India, we find fair skin to look better. Your parents don't like Muslims that much, so if they can have their preferences, I'm also entitled towards mine". I'm like "I suppose, but I'd rather live my life in a more inclusive way rather than find shallow and unnecessary reasons to dislike anyone." He was like "It's not that I don't like them, but I think fairer skinned people are better looking."

(On a side note, another thing is that my husband thinks it is okay to use the word "N--ro". I told him we don't use that word here, but say "African-American" or "black" instead, as people find the "N" word offensive. He started arguing with me, and saying that it can't be an offensive word since MLK, Jr himself used that word in his "I have a dream" speech. I told him that that was the 1960s, and this is now. I don't know why things have changed, but couldn't offer him any better perspective.)

I'm just wondering if such attitudes might change after he comes to the US and meets more people. I will definitely make an effort to expose him to a lot of minority groups, whether it be racial minority groups, or those with 'alternative lifestyles' (gay acquaintances, etc). I just want to take him out of his comfort zone and help him to stop fearing the unknown. All these minority groups are unknown to him, as he grew up in such a homogenous society.

I realize this is a sensitive topic, and that this topic can easily degenerate. I will request people to please keep any kind of bigoted or hateful comments (towards any group of people) off this thread. I simply would like to know if anyone here has seen changes in their foreign spouses after the spouse spent some time living in the US. From foreign spouses, I want to know if people have found themselves less fearful and more inclusive of people of other unfamiliar groups or lifestyle after moving here. Although my husband's words make me cringe, I'm just hoping his attitude will open up once he's exposed to the diversity here.

I have lived here all my life and prefer brunettes with BLUE eyes, slender, long legs, shapely bottoms. I hate an @ss like a bus, and do not care about breast size too much. I prefer light skin also and I have never dated a black or dark skinned woman. Martin Luther King was a good Republican. So what?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

At the same time, he openly stated today (to my dismay) that he thinks that some people from Africa are too dark to be aesthetically pleasing (my paraphrase). I told him that he's being racist.

That's NOT racism imo, that's preference, and you're right that it is based on how he was raised. It's also totally different saying that to YOU and saying that to other people. It's not like he said that that person was unattractive because they were a certain race, he simply doesn't like their skin tone. Some people don't like ghostly white people, some people hate fake tans. Preference.

Friend of mine is singaporean, she returned home from University to her home country and was told she was "too dark" and this is a county where "skin lightening" creams exist so she had to lighten her skin. Another friend was told by her parents she'd gotten fat (not at ALL) but she spent her holiday with a personal trainer getting "back in shape". It's like some people liking country music and others hating it (preference). Friend of mine grew up in a "naked house" whereas I most definitely did NOT so of course my views on that would be different to his.

I personally prefer people taller than me. He happens to prefer people more lighter skinned and used his explanation of "some people from Africa" being too dark. Maybe it's more the way he said it...

To answer your question his views might change a little but he's still entitled to his opinion. I think the only thing here is you need to tell him not to say those things in public and tell him it makes you uncomfortable to hear it.

[NY_BX 397]

Well, it all depends on character. Simple as that. My husband came from Egypt, and yes, though exposed to all colors, there's a fascination with light/ white skin. He is white, I'm a tanned Puerto Rican. No problem there. However, although he respects all cultures and isn't judgmental, he wasn't exposed to the LGBTT community. That was going to be the catch 22 because I work in an industry where most of my colleagues are openly part of that community. Being a devout Muslim was a big issue because he wanted to learn, but he admits being prejudiced. All I did was introduce him to a couple of them without revealing their sexual orientation. Rather quickly he realized there's nothing to be scared of!

Would I say it went away or vanished? no. Now, is he more open and accepting? Absolutely.

Hope this helps.

[KASH2011 382]

It all comes down to personal character... but am certain he will easily blend in like a spice. Good luck

[sms78 18]

I think you might want to put yourself into his position and re-think why your husband acts that way.

First, you must know that to him the US in which many different races live together is SUPER unique. Coming from a highly homogenous place myself, it was very difficult to comprehend that at first.

The first semester in US college, I took an Asian American Study class upon the school counselor's suggestion. He thought it would be easier for me because I'm Asian. Guess what? It was the hardest class ever. The professor often asked me what do you think about this and that "as an Asian." I couldn't answer because I never considered myself as Asian. I know it sounds funny, but in Japan most of people there are Japanese so there is absolutely no need to label oneself with one race to protect and respect its culture and/or heritage that way. When I was in Japan, I was always just "ME." I didn't need to form my opinion as Asian at least daily basis anyway.

So in US I felt restricted. Felt like I was forced into this small category of "Asians." It was a very strange experience to go through. Beyond my wildest expectation.

Also I was taught many times that I'm being a "race ignorant." When I first came to US, I had 3 doom roommates. 3 black girls. So all I hang out with were black people. I thought it was completely normal because I learned in school in Japan that in US many different races live together peacefully. I was soon "forced" to realize though that my definition of "normal" is not so normal after all.... One time I went to an outlet mall with 1 of the black roommates and her family. They joked "people's gonna think we kidnapped you because we are big black people and you're tiny Asian girl!" Another time, I asked girls if they want to go to kayaking with me. They said they can't go because kayaking is a "white people's sport." I learned this categorizing or border-building based on one's race has a significant meaning to many Americans whether it is a good thing or a bad thing.

I felt I was slowly pushed into this mysterious thing called "racism" and learned how to survive with in. It eventually happened. It took long time though. So be patient with your husband's adjustment. I still feel "offended" whenever ppl ask me an opinion as Asian. I still feel like I'm not Asian!!!! Laugh at me because I know it doesn't make sense!!

Edited September 2, 2012 by sms78

[M&Pooh 12]

I still feel "offended" whenever ppl ask me an opinion as Asian. I still feel like I'm not Asian!!!! Laugh at me because I know it doesn't make sense!!

Ppl doing that probably genuinely think they express respect to your identity and your culture... I definitely wouldn't take this as an offense.

[sms78 18]

Ppl doing that probably genuinely think they express respect to your identity and your culture... I definitely wouldn't take this as an offense.

haha. yea. It's just my poor wording. I just wanted to say that the concept of respecting others' identity based on race itself was a completely new thing to me. I didn't even identify" myself with "Asians" but apparently in America everybody identify me as Asian. Isn't it funny?

[Xanax 349]

He may change his opinions, he may not.

Personally I don't think having a skin colour preference when talking about what you find attractive vs. Not attractive is racism. I prefer people with tans, I think it looks better! I don't think your husband is saying he wouldn't friend these people or ackjowledge them , just he thinks you'll look prettier with light skin.

Racism is real in the US, like it is many places in the world. I myself have seen and experienced it. Most of it stems from ignorance. You may find your husband experiences it too, maybe he wont, but if he did then maybe his perspectives might change as well.

[rkk1 34]

Hi guys, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I agree that a large part of it is just preference, which he is entitled to. But sometimes he does say stuff which makes me uncomfortable. As another example, about a month ago, he had to travel to Delhi for inquiring about the PCC. While he was there, he happened to see an African-American women who was wearing really skimpy clothing. It was a double whammy for him... firstly, seeing a black person (as that was only the second African American person he'd seen in his life, the first being someone we saw in a restaurant in Delhi while we were together), and secondly it was a big shock for him because the woman's chest was hanging out, which is never seen in his small city (as women are always covered up. You might see skimpy clothing on tv or in large metropolitan Indian cities, but never in small cities or towns). After this happened, we were talking on the phone and he was totally incredulous, talking about how this black girl was there and how her breasts which were spilling out from her top were "so so black". I felt uncomfortable and asked him "Why do you say weird things like this? Obviously her breasts would be black, because she's black. It's not like they would be magenta."

I know fairness is something prized by the culture, but I'm not too keen about this. In India, many people buy fairness creams (though in all honest, I did buy a fairness cream once while I was in India, thinking it would help heal my sunburn faster). My husband loves being 'fair' to the point where he won't go outside in the sun and is suffering a huge vitamin D deficiency (to where his bones were hurting, and I got him on supplements). He thinks I am beautiful because I am fair, although I love getting some sunlight and think he's odd for not wanting to get some fresh air and sun.

My husband is 27 years old, and I am still hopeful that his perspective would widen after being here. Overall, he does not seem all that set in his ways, likely due to his age. At least I hope he will stop making off-color comments. The stories about give me a bit of hope.

I also understand that he is speaking out without having the same social conditioning that we do. For instance, I remember seeing an openly gay couple for the first time during my first year of college. I was probably a bit incredulous too, and know I probably stared too much (as it was a new thing for me seeing two people of the same sex holding each other in a romantic non-platonic way). I probably looked at them in the same way as I would if they were sprouting a neon pink mohaks and had 20 piercings. However, since that time, I have met many gay couples (some even as friends), so now it is no big deal. But it took me a while to get conditioned to where I am now. I am hoping that with exposure, my husband can also get to a similar place when it comes to people of different races or different lifestyles. I suppose I will just have to endure some cringe-worthy comments from him until that time where he at least knows what is PC to say or not. I agree that he was saying this to me only, and I hope he can be more tactful in not saying weird stuff like this in front of anyone.