Pregnant... Should I Continue K1 Process

[LIFE'SJOURNEY 970]

Unless you are Jamaican, you definitely won't understand the give me my child to raise. This conversation needs to be had with the Jamaican VJ crew on facebook. Contact JPrincess, she will put you in contact with them. I will not have this conversation with you on VJ.

[TBoneTX 43,160]

If a woman is not from a machismo culture, has never lived in a machismo culture, and does not want to live in a machismo culture, then "learning about the culture" is not going to help - the more she learns about the culture, the less she is going to like it. The education process has already been a major shock to her, and it has barely begun. [etc.]

Where's the +100 button on this poster's birthday?

OP, you will not CHANGE a macho, and if you stay with him you'll NEVER BE FREE from machista behavior. Machista = abuse. For example, I'd like to strangle 99.44% of the males in Ecuador because of how they treat their women. The women HATE it. If you decide to be a codependent masochist and are willing to submit your baby to that kind of abuse, you'll live to regret it.

And to hell with "you have to understand Jamaican men" in terms of making this relationship "work." If any of them behave this way, they're no better FOR YOU than the Ecuatorianos who behave this way. Understand them all you want to, but stay the hell away from them.

Edited August 14, 2012 by TBoneTX

[aaydrian 479]

My 0.02¢

1) GatorS go with your gut feeling/instincts.

2) Look in retrospect if you are the one shouting and he's not. Even if you are or he is at fault or the both of you are guilty this problem needs to be corrected because whether or not your relationship continues, you both share a child and you need to communicate well if he is to be in the baby's life.

Because some people may be confused, Jamaica/the Caribbean is not in Africa or anywhere near. The men may have SOME similarities to those from Africa but an African (from this perspective) shouldn't give a Caribbean person advice and visa versa as differences exist in both cultures.

3) GatorS no one knows if your fiance will or won't kidnap/hurt your child. Be the judge of that based on his behaviour and your gut will make the decision easier.

4) Jamaican men love MAKING children but a good number of them have very little interest in raising their kids or giving financial support. I will say it is possible that if you should loose your senses and give your baby to your fiance he may be the one to solely raise that child but the probability is that the grandma, aunt or girlfriend will have the child rearing responsibility.

[GatorShae 36]

I have a very simple question: in total, how many days have you spent together face to face?

Before I found out I was pregnant we saw each other for a couple of days once or twice a month. In March he went on vacation and I went to visit him in Jamaica and meet his family. This is the timeframe when our child was conceived. He came back in May from vacation and since then I have seen him twice, the last time being the beginning of July. July is when we started to have a lot of disagreements and I felt that he wasn't being supportive nor was he making time for me. His ship is in the U.S. every other day, so I can only talk to him when he has cell service in the U.S., and there are days where I may only talk to him for 15-20 minutes because he's "sleeping." Anyway, I haven't been down to see him because I told him that I felt like he wasn't prioritizing me or our relationship and that since it was a priority for him to call me to see how I'm doing or the baby is doing. It wasn't a priority for me to drive down there and waste my time or money to see him. I understand there isn't much that he can contribute right now, since he's on the ship, but at the very least he can make time to call me on the phone every other day.

[tberta.brooks 3]

I have a very simple question: in total, how many days have you spent together face to face?

I totally second this . . .

First I want to say that this is jamaican culture. I would suggest that maybe doing a little bit of research, read some articles about the Jamaican Man . . U can read my personal story in my contents on my profile and look at my pictures. . but I actually "lived" with my guy for 2 months as his "wife" in the mountains of jamaica. Far, far away from the beaches and the tourist areas. Then given whatever else makes up his personality . .

I am not saying leave him or stay . that is not my place but what I am saying is know the culture and remember his is NOT an american . . . and therefore, react differently. (for me this is a challenge but also refreshing). As far as children . . my experience has been they LOVE their children and will care for them . . .

Good Luck.

P.S. you can also message me privately if you want . . . I will be happy to share what I know.

[naplesguy 25]

When someone post a difficult situation here most of the responses assume that there is not another side to the story. Well folks, I hate to break this to you but usually there is two sides to a story so when you dole out your advice so freely you may be doing someone a disservice.

Maybe just a pat on the back and a word of encouragement would be nice but to give advice based on a unilateral tale of woe does not seem very wise. How many of us have been in a situation where our actions and character were relayed in an inacrurate manner or a way that lacked true perspective?

[AmeriPole 7]

No offense to you but that man sounds crazy. There is no way this is just a "stress" response. This is a rough time for both of you, sure. However, if his response to that stress is to take your child and ship you off then that's a pretty good indicator that maybe he's not the right man for you. Also, refusing to speak to someone during an argument should be a big red flag. Yes, sometimes in the heat of an argument people may yell but so long as this is controlled there is no reason to completely shut out the other person. This is a power tactic, and it seems he uses a lot of these (based on what you've said). As someone earlier had said, these things only get worse, not better.

Also in response to the victim blaming trend. Regardless of a culture and how it acts this person is coming from a different culture. Accepting one another for who they are and finding a compromise is the best solution. NOT totally changing who you are to be a better woman and "know your place."

[CoreyB 7]

RUN!!!!!!

[Penny Lane 8,159]

First I am not spoiled or needy. As I have told him I don't need him for anything. When I began a relationship with him it was because I loved the person he was and wanted to be with him.Second in regards to time, actually I'm pretty busy as I work go to school full time, work part time, and participate in several professional organizations which require me to travel frequently and get involved in the community on a constant basis. So in actuality I really don't have that much time, if I were to show you my calendar it would probably make you blush that you even dared question me. Lastly, due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time on my hands to sit around and do nothing. I value the time that I do have and I prioritize the things that are important to me. And if you think I'm spoiled, needy, and unappreciative for asking the man that I supposed to spend the rest of my life with and who is the father of my unborn child for more than 15-20 minutes every 48 hours than you have life real messed up, not me. Lastly, I never said anything in regards to him not working hard on his ship. I simply stated that he has 12 hours on and 12 hours off. How he chooses to spend the 12 hours off of work, let's me know where his priorities lie.

As far as my "attitude"... You can call it what you want, but at least I know my self worth and I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. Nor will I tolerate any form of abuse whether it's physical, verbal, or emotional.

Also to address those who have made statements about being loud. I don't know too many people who get into an argument or heated discussion with someone ad their tone or voice doesn't raise.

I'm sorry that you have to defend yourself. This happens whenever there is a case on VJ where people ask for relationship advice. Most people are supportive, given the little background information they have. Then there are others who try to make it the fault of the person who wrote the post.

I think deep down you know what the right thing to do is and in the end, you don't have to answer to anyone here. You have to answer to yourself and to your child.

[AmyWrites 593]

Leave this guy. Screw the whole "it's his culture" #######, you need to think about your child first, this guy at best doesn't love you.

[sanyata 16]

As far as my "attitude"... You can call it what you want, but at least I know my self worth and I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. Nor will I tolerate any form of abuse whether it's physical, verbal, or emotional.

There's your answer...............

[QueenE 173]

When cultures collide. From the sounds of it, it seems like he did like you and wants to be a father, but your behavior ( not saying its bad) is something he can't handle or is accustomed to. My fiance is pretty mellow and I yell when we get into arguments which he finds disrespectful and annoying. He has hung up on twice to make it stop. Which I found to be annoying. We are from the same culture but from his own point of view how else do you make someone stop yelling at you. Luckily I get away with it often cause I get to play the pregnancy card. I also don't think he will hurt you child since his only demand is to have the baby. He doesnt even care to come anymore. I think when you lower your attitude you guys may make it work, I know this is politely incorrect but its usually women that have to compromise. So maybe you guys should spend some more face to face together if that is possible, and see from there. Also remind him that hormones doesn't always make pregnant women the most rational of creatures at times. Trust me I have cried laughed screamed all in a 10 minute conversation with my fiance. He laughs when he steps back and realize I'm just being hormonal. Good luck

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I'm sorry that you have to defend yourself. This happens whenever there is a case on VJ where people ask for relationship advice. Most people are supportive, given the little background information they have. Then there are others who try to make it the fault of the person who wrote the post.

I think deep down you know what the right thing to do is and in the end, you don't have to answer to anyone here. You have to answer to yourself and to your child.

+1 for this post, it's sad to see someone attack a person who comes on here for help. I agree, if you have to question it to this degree, you already know the answer.

[JE06 54]

There's your answer...............

[Marlon&Fallon 13]

Before I found out I was pregnant we saw each other for a couple of days once or twice a month. In March he went on vacation and I went to visit him in Jamaica and meet his family. This is the timeframe when our child was conceived. He came back in May from vacation and since then I have seen him twice, the last time being the beginning of July. July is when we started to have a lot of disagreements and I felt that he wasn't being supportive nor was he making time for me. His ship is in the U.S. every other day, so I can only talk to him when he has cell service in the U.S., and there are days where I may only talk to him for 15-20 minutes because he's "sleeping." Anyway, I haven't been down to see him because I told him that I felt like he wasn't prioritizing me or our relationship and that since it was a priority for him to call me to see how I'm doing or the baby is doing. It wasn't a priority for me to drive down there and waste my time or money to see him. I understand there isn't much that he can contribute right now, since he's on the ship, but at the very least he can make time to call me on the phone every other day.

Perhaps the biggest issue here is the distance and not getting to communicate with him more often. I can imagine how hard it is to maintain a close relationship with someone who works on a ship, and possibly works 12hrs per day with limited means to contact the outside world.

Well, only you alone know the full extent of the situation and what you're able to put up with, so I won't make any suggestion on what I think you should do. However, I would suggest not to make any decisions until you had time to thoroughly think things through.