Husband went home

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Personally, if i see "GOWON" i fling by those post. Cleary not worthy of reading material!!! Sr. Member or not,.no timeline NOTHING.. all post are rude, arrogant And very disrespectful towards woman. This poster needs to chill out And perhaps learn a lesson in manner And people who are abuse victims..

I salute your willpower, many more should practice as such.

You should research the ignore user function on the site, with it you can banished that GOWON character and his posts into perfect oblivion. It'll be like it never existed.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

So you are saying it was her fault because her husband is insanely jealous, because in your own mind she may have been flirty? Men and women both flirt, and I believe she stated he would go into a rage if she merely said hello to anyone. Saying she deserved this abuse is like saying a woman deserves to be raped merely because she was wearing a short skirt. What century do you live in?

You know you don't have to like me right?

Anyways you missed this part of my post.

You were being very selfish and I say that with no malice intended and you asked for opinions.

Women are naturally flirty and seek attention. There's nothing wrong that per see when you are single but it needs to be adjusted once you get married, IMHO, and especially when the opposing party feels that it's inappropriate. Based on what you wrote, I think you did not do a good enough job, again IMHO. It's also a cultural thing and I'm kind of confused why you did not pick up on that while you lived in his home country and adjusted for that when you arrived back home.

I hope your Husband didn't give up all his opportunities/resoruces to follow you to your country and you basically sent him back - if he has left.

Me personally will seek divorce from you if I were him. You've showed your hand that you cannot be depended on.

All that being said, you should be happy and deserve to be happy and should never be in an unfruitful relationship. I do not fault you for seeking happiness but your execution was unsavory.

Good luck.

[Karee 4,189]

Personally, if i see ”GOWON” i fling by those post. Cleary not worthy of reading material!!! Sr. Member or not,.no timeline NOTHING.. all post are rude, arrogant And very disrespectful towards woman. This poster needs to chill out And perhaps learn a lesson in manner And people who are abuse victims..

Gowon has already been called out as a troll. I suspect Gegel and Gowon are the same person. No timelines etc. No filing status. Membership join dates are very new and very close together. I would just click on that ignore button and move on. Some people are bored.

[TBoneTX 43,018]

OP, you answered your questions yourself in post #7 of this thread, si man.

You hoped to change him. There are certain things that we might change about people -- like weaning someone from a boring addiction to French folk music. There are certain things that we cannot expect to change. One of these is that we cannot expect to reform a South American "macho."

Early in my acquaintanceship with Mrs. T-B.-to-be, she observed this: "Some are more, some are less, but every Ecuatoriano is a macho and will show it at some point."

I couldn't believe it, or refused to, until I observed it myself in multiple circumstances on multiple visits. It was 100% true. I was horrified about it at first, but I realized that it's so pervasive that there's no hope. A lot of perfectly wonderful women are shackled, and sometimes enslaved, by that double standard of behavior.

It may not be your husband's fault personally that he's machista; he was raised in that way and in that culture. However, in no way do you have to put up with such #######.

When Mrs. T-B. suggests to her amigas (Hispanic girlfriends) here in the U.S. that they get together for, say, lunch, they invariably say "I have to get permission from my husband" or "do you have permission from your husband?" They're married to guys from various places south of the U.S., and there's genuine apprehension in their queries. I don't know of many gringas who would put up with this.

I've asked Mrs. T-B. innumerable times, "Why do the chicas in [name your Latin American country] put up with that?" She says, "There, there is no choice." You, conversely, had a choice, made it, and made the correct one in shipping him back, si man. Look ahead now, and -- for your own sake -- be a lot more careful in picking your next partner.

[bigdog 376]

Only you and he can make the decision, better to cut your losses so to speak than wait more years. My best friend says, loose a wife/husband get a better one, either by divorce, death or what ever. Best of Luck to you what ever you do.

[kmarion1968 5]

just seems a bit harsh, and like your trying to get out of your obligations possibly if you are the sponser for him. because even if he stayed in the usa you would be on the hook and if he goes home then you wont ? well until his green card expires your still on the hook, even if he comes back without you knowing it. something to think about...

[Rob & Monika 87]

Personally, this sounds like a typical American type of thing to do. Marriage is a commitment, intended to be for life. Buying him a ticket home is just the last demonstration of your lack of commitment, of course so was him taking the ticket, and it was likely not the first act. There is nothing more poisonous to a relationship than indicating you don't really want to be with the person you are with. He admitted he had a problem with jealousy which is huge, it is the first step to making a change. But change often takes years. People take this "if it works, it works" approach to marriage, instead of putting work into it.

What you did with the ticket is a severe hit on his ego. If you truly want to salvage this relationship, it's going to take a severe act of commitment to do it. Fly out there, and apologize, and reassure your commitment to him (assuming he actually used it). That is of course if you are posting for advice on what to do next and not a pat on the back.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Gowon has already been called out as a troll. I suspect Gegel and Gowon are the same person. No timelines etc. No filing status. Membership join dates are very new and very close together. I would just click on that ignore button and move on. Some people are bored.

Really? Most excellent accolade, thanks.

OP, you answered your questions yourself in post #7 of this thread, si man.

You hoped to change him. There are certain things that we might change about people -- like weaning someone from a boring addiction to French folk music. There are certain things that we cannot expect to change. One of these is that we cannot expect to reform a South American "macho."

Early in my acquaintanceship with Mrs. T-B.-to-be, she observed this: "Some are more, some are less, but every Ecuatoriano is a macho and will show it at some point."

I couldn't believe it, or refused to, until I observed it myself in multiple circumstances on multiple visits. It was 100% true. I was horrified about it at first, but I realized that it's so pervasive that there's no hope. A lot of perfectly wonderful women are shackled, and sometimes enslaved, by that double standard of behavior.

It may not be your husband's fault personally that he's machista; he was raised in that way and in that culture. However, in no way do you have to put up with such #######.

When Mrs. T-B. suggests to her amigas (Hispanic girlfriends) here in the U.S. that they get together for, say, lunch, they invariably say "I have to get permission from my husband" or "do you have permission from your husband?" They're married to guys from various places south of the U.S., and there's genuine apprehension in their queries. I don't know of many gringas who would put up with this.

I've asked Mrs. T-B. innumerable times, "Why do the chicas in [name your Latin American country] put up with that?" She says, "There, there is no choice." You, conversely, had a choice, made it, and made the correct one in shipping him back, si man. Look ahead now, and -- for your own sake -- be a lot more careful in picking your next partner.

I concur.

just seems a bit harsh, and like your trying to get out of your obligations possibly if you are the sponser for him. because even if he stayed in the usa you would be on the hook and if he goes home then you wont ? well until his green card expires your still on the hook, even if he comes back without you knowing it. something to think about...

It is.

Personally, this sounds like a typical American type of thing to do. Marriage is a commitment, intended to be for life. Buying him a ticket home is just the last demonstration of your lack of commitment, of course so was him taking the ticket, and it was likely not the first act. There is nothing more poisonous to a relationship than indicating you don't really want to be with the person you are with. He admitted he had a problem with jealousy which is huge, it is the first step to making a change. But change often takes years. People take this "if it works, it works" approach to marriage, instead of putting work into it.

What you did with the ticket is a severe hit on his ego. If you truly want to salvage this relationship, it's going to take a severe act of commitment to do it. Fly out there, and apologize, and reassure your commitment to him (assuming he actually used it). That is of course if you are posting for advice on what to do next and not a pat on the back.

Well said. There is a thread on here about USCs way of thinking of "sending them back home".

I just get saddened that after going through all the trials and tribulations of the process, that folks give up seemingly so easily. But I'm a troll so what do I know.

Edited July 10, 2012 by Gowon

[LA NEGRA 19]

This is a bad experience and I truly believe that when you get married is a strong commitment, something to really work on and not just give up due to the first issue that comes up neither do i think that asking your husband to leave the house would be the answer but in the other hand I refuse to deal with anybody ABUSE or LACK OF RESPECT......i know that dealing with a different culture requires lots of paitience, love and understanding but RESPECT is an international quality. when i get married it is to be known that I am not looking for a dad, I am grown. A husband ia a friend, a partner in life!! Not a boss or somebody to manupulate me either so with that being said my fiance will either learn to accept my ways and love me or we can cancel our plans and that goes both ways cause neither do I want to change him.

[Karee 4,189]

Personally, if i see ”GOWON” i fling by those post. Cleary not worthy of reading material!!! Sr. Member or not,.no timeline NOTHING.. all post are rude, arrogant And very disrespectful towards woman. This poster needs to chill out And perhaps learn a lesson in manner And people who are abuse victims..

I think you're on to something. Troll comes to mind.

[GoingCrazy2012 16]

I was right behind you at the NVC stage Amanda and it hurts to see you're going through this. Like many have written on previous posts and IMHO there is a huge cultural difference you didn't take into consideration when marrying Elvio and that's something that has come up once again. Marriage is intended to be a life committment and husbands are not "goods you ship back" because you didn't like the "quality of them" or because it didn't meet your expectations. The same way you don't like his machismo, there are things he doesn't like about you.

God Bless You and Good Luck!

[Trishy_N_J 23]

"Latin men are very jealous, you should just get used to it".

I dated a Chileno a few years ago. He was jealous as hell. Made my life a living hell. Heck he picked a fight on a day where I was MOURNING, I broke it off immediately 'Respect the dead a-hole'. I'm of Spanish origin and there's a reason I don't really date hispanics: Because I can't stand the jealous machismo attitude. I don't think we should 'get used to it'. That level of high jealousy is a severe indicator of low self esteem.

All I can say, is that you can't get into a relationship hoping the other person will change. If he's always been like this, you will have to learn to accept it and be with him, or not be with him at all.

People will only change if they want to. The time back home might give him that urge to change, or it might not. The time off will do some good.

I do feel your plane ticket purchase was harsh but I feel you were at the end of your roll with this...

Just keep in touch with him and tell him how you feel. That you miss him if you do. That he's still loved. Just make sure that you don't fold under pressure for something that you consider non-negociable. If it's negociable then changes will have to be done on your end too. Compromising might be the solution, but it all depends on how each of you perceives the relationship and if you believe the sacrifices are worth it.

[rade2rising 205]

I am reading lots of feedback that no woman/man should put up with abusive partner. That is absolutely true. Please consider when marrying someone from different country and culture you have to make some sacrifices and compromises. Its unfair to marry someone and then change them into the person you want them to be. If he is machismo and such maybe its best not to get involve in the first place. Still lots of ppl think they can bring someone to USA and they will change. Its very sad and heart breaking for both parties. Marry the person you see in front of you not the one you are dreaming of turning him/her into.

Its true in some culture if woman wants to go out with her girlfriends she must ask her husband. Just bcoz this is not the norm in USA doesnt mean its abusive.

Hope everything can be resolved asap so you can get closure and move on with your life.

[Caryh 5,206]

Personally, this sounds like a typical American type of thing to do. Marriage is a commitment, intended to be for life. Buying him a ticket home is just the last demonstration of your lack of commitment, of course so was him taking the ticket, and it was likely not the first act. There is nothing more poisonous to a relationship than indicating you don't really want to be with the person you are with. He admitted he had a problem with jealousy which is huge, it is the first step to making a change. But change often takes years. People take this "if it works, it works" approach to marriage, instead of putting work into it.

What you did with the ticket is a severe hit on his ego. If you truly want to salvage this relationship, it's going to take a severe act of commitment to do it. Fly out there, and apologize, and reassure your commitment to him (assuming he actually used it). That is of course if you are posting for advice on what to do next and not a pat on the back.

I can agree with parts of your post, but I'm not so sure on the apology. The real mistake came in thinking she could change him, then followed up with expecting him to change so fast. Then to expect an even bigger change when he was under the stress of adjusting here, there's really just too much going on in a new immigrants head in that short of time. I would say most are going to act out at times rather than acting better until they've adjusted. He may have been able to change, and then again maybe not, I don't know him to even begin to guess if he could. Behaviors ingrained from birth do not change fast, it can take years. If, and thats a big IF, she ever tries to to reestablish their marriage, they are both going to need to apologize to each other and make a serious commitment to change and work on their marriage.

I'm always confused when someone states "verbal abuse" with no example. Did he raise his voice? Did he shout obscenities? I've seen people claim something is verbal abuse, when I've seen that individual do much worse. Arguments happen, voices get raised, feelings get hurt. Sometimes feelings get hurt without a word being said, but rather a closing up and ignoring a person, the so called silent treatment. None of these are good things, but they happen. Which is abuse, and which isn't? I guess it depends on the person receiving it. Much better if people can stay rational a discuss calmly what they are feeling and thinking, but we're all human and make mistakes. I've also heard people say terrible things in a perfectly calm manner, and when one person got upset because of it, the person who was called terrible things gets the label verbally abusive. Only the OP and her husband know what really happened, is saddens me when people don't work out and give up. Sometimes its the only choice, but how often is it that the actions of both parties brought them to that end result, I would guess in most cases this is so. The OP accepted this behavior for long enough to marry him and live with him in his country, its a shame things couldn't be worked on long enough to see if he truly could change.

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I'm so heartbroken, I never thought I would be writing one of these topics. I met my husband in Paraguay almost 2 years ago. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in his town. We got married 8 months ago and I couldn't have been happier. Our petition was fast-tracked through USCIS since I was living abroad and we arrived in the US together in May.

I always knew that he was a jealous person but I guess that was a bit of an understatement. If I so much as looked at another guy he thought I liked him. I would tell him that's not true and that looking at people, even talking and laughing with people in my culture doesn't mean anything. I am a friendly person. I'm not flirty, just friendly. But in his culture, men and women hardly interact so that concept was very difficult for him to accept. Cheating is also extremely common in his culture so he was naturally insecure. He was constantly accusing me of liking other men for absolutely ridiculous reasons and then wouldn't believe when I told him that he was wrong for thinking that. He was sometimes verbally abusive as well but he would always apologize later and say he was trying to change.

I convinced myself that he would change when we got to the US and saw how our culture was. Nothing changed here. He kept going back to how I acted in Paraguay and all the men I supposedly liked there. We went to see a marriage counselor but that didn't help. Finally I just couldn't take his accusations and his lack of trust anymore. I told him he had to leave. He didn't believe that I would actually send him back to Paraguay so I bought him a ticket for the next day (today). At that point he broke down completely and kept saying "What have I done?!" and "This is all my fault." He accepted responsibility but it was too late. I had given him so many opportunities to change. He said he would go back to Paraguay and pay for his mistakes and maybe take some English classes (he speaks Spanish) and that he wanted to come back and start over but I don't know if that was all a show to get me to take him back or if he was being genuine. I want to believe him so badly and I truly believe that he wanted to change but that his head was not in the right place. I don't want to rush into divorce if there is a possibility of working it out. I also know that he shouldn't stay out of the US for a long time or he risks not being able to re-enter.

I guess I just wanted to get all my thoughts out and see if anyone had any thoughts or advice to offer. I'm just hurting right now, I miss my husband and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.

Here is my advice on this subject:

I have read all of the posts and I agree that marriage is a commitment that some folks take for granted, we treat people like cars, once we don't want to pay for or deal with issues we get rid of them and start over. But after reading this post from the beginning, I think you had enough of his jealousy and took steps to deal with it. If my wife was constantly calling my fidelity into question, I don't think I could work through that, esp when I haven't done anything to earn that type of enimity. We don't know exactly what you went through so I won't call you out for sending him back the way you did.

You miss him and you are trying to figure out your next move. Here is a suggestion, take a good hard look at the whole picture to see where things have been going and where they could possibly end up. Since I have been on this site, the male machoism from Latin Countries is well documented, and it's something that you might not want to spend the rest of your life trying to "adjust to".

Just a side note, when people come here for advice we are supposed to give that and maybe some support if needed. Instead of bashing them, try to help in a positive manner, you don't have to be rude to get your point across.