Spouses of immigrants--help!

[BoiseGirl 0]

Hi all,

I am wondering if there is a discussion board or any already-started topic where US citizens can discuss what it's like having an unemployed, newly immigrated spouse? I knew it would be hard but honestly I didn't think about it when we were getting his K-1 visa because I was so in love with him and cared only about being wit him.

But now that he's been here 7 months, unemployed and moody, I am not having fun any more! I know this might change when he gets a job, but honestly he doesn't seem to be happy here! I love him, but I see friends almost never because he's always home alone and I feel guilty about having alone time without him. I miss my old self and am not sure how long I can keep this up.

please help!

[YuAndDan 153]

See Duplicate... http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/294383-spouses-of-immigrants-please-help/

[Kathryn41 3,205]

duplicate thread removed - it is not necessary to post the same question in different forums.

[Wayne and Claudia 40]

duplicate thread removed - it is not necessary to post the same question in different forums.

Where was it originally posted? I can't find it and the above move link doesn't work. Nevermind, I found it..

Edited February 8, 2011 by Wayne and Claudia

[Wayne and Claudia 40]

Hi all,

I am wondering if there is a discussion board or any already-started topic where US citizens can discuss what it's like having an unemployed, newly immigrated spouse? I knew it would be hard but honestly I didn't think about it when we were getting his K-1 visa because I was so in love with him and cared only about being wit him.

But now that he's been here 7 months, unemployed and moody, I am not having fun any more! I know this might change when he gets a job, but honestly he doesn't seem to be happy here! I love him, but I see friends almost never because he's always home alone and I feel guilty about having alone time without him. I miss my old self and am not sure how long I can keep this up.

please help!

I feel for you Boise. I would kick him in the rear and tell him it's time to be a husband. I would not adjust status unless he show's serious signs of wanting to be a husband. I don't care that I have two engineering degrees...I have been unemployed and I have worked at McDonald's and mowed yards at times (though it's been a long time) when I did not have a job. I was proud, as a man, to be working. Love is great, but maybe you should question his love, not yours? Sorry to be so blunt but love isn't all that is required to be a family. God be with you and bless both of you.

[trillium13 84]

Has he been looking for a job and unsuccessful? Or not looking? Big difference.

My husband looked for quite some time before deciding to go back to school. He had no US work or educational experience and no one was interested in someone without either/both of those things. I'm supporting us both on a measly salary but we know we're moving forward. We both felt much better when he enrolled in school, because at least we're working towards something.

Moving to a whole other country, away from everything you know, can be a huge adjustment. I moved across the country and that was a culture shock to me. I can't imagine what it would be like to move to another country. It will take a long time for him to feel comfortable, but he also has to put himself out there and make some efforts.

Have you talked to him about this? Communication is HUGE.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I am wondering if there is a discussion board or any already-started topic where US citizens can discuss what it's like having an unemployed, newly immigrated spouse? I knew it would be hard but honestly I didn't think about it when we were getting his K-1 visa because I was so in love with him and cared only about being wit him.

But now that he's been here 7 months, unemployed and moody, I am not having fun any more! I know this might change when he gets a job, but honestly he doesn't seem to be happy here! I love him, but I see friends almost never because he's always home alone and I feel guilty about having alone time without him. I miss my old self and am not sure how long I can keep this up.

please help!

I feel bad for your hubby but there's obviously a relationship issue.. not just unemployment. Please I'm not trying to be rude so I'll use Tony and I as an example.

It's not been easy for me. When I first moved to the US we were in Houston because Tony was studying. His home state is Iowa and that's where we are now but while in Houston from Sept 09 - end March 2010 I was unable to drive because Tony only had one of his cars in Houston, the others were in Iowa. I was basically stuck at our apartment while Tony was at school and work.. some days he was gone at 5am and home at 11pm (school and work full-time). It really sucked. It was hard on him too for the same reason you mentioned.. he feels bad leaving me "home alone"... and you know he still does BUT the difference between your (described) situation and mine is he vocalised that concern to me and we talked about it... the line of communication have been open. I told him that if I had issues being home alone a certain day I'd tell him but that i WANT him to still spend time with his friends without me. I don't want people thinking badly of him and thinking he's whipped or something (though if you knew him you'd never think that).

I am not a clingy or needy person and it's been VERY hard on me to feel like suddenly I am. Not only do I have the emotional feelings of loneliness and missing all that is familiar, I have my brain telling me that I'm turning into someone I try very hard not to be so there's the "distress" of fighting that. I literally left all my friends and family to come here for him. He is my support and my entertainment and that puts so much pressure on him. He NEEDS time away from me, and not just work. He needs time out with his friends to stay the wonderful person he is.

You didn't really go into too much detail about your situation so I don't know what you've already tried so please ignore if you have.

Have you:

1. asked him whether he's happy? It's important to open the communication.

2. talked to him about going out with friends just yourself? How did he react? If he says no then he's pretty selfish.

3. talked to him about going out WITH you and your friends? Is he okay with that? Does he get along with your friends?

4. asked him if there's any sports or activities he would like to do? I know this isn't something I want to do but I enjoy my computer so not just "sporting" ideas for things to entertain him.

It does take a lot of strength on the part of the USC to stay strong when your immigrant is going through so much. Some immigrants don't handle it well. Some relationships simply can't handle the stress and it's not a reflection on you, it's just a VERY trying situation for both of you. He's dealing with a great loss, a loss of self just like you feel you are. It's important you try and work together. You'll never be the same person you were, but you need to find yourself as part of a couple.

[rlogan 2,036]

I echo Vanessa&Tony on a couple of things -

There wasn't a lot of information but it hinted at relationship issues with "honestly he doesn't seem to be happy here"...

The communication though, that is central. You guys really need to talk this out thoroughly. Resentments build and misunderstandings multiply without clear communication.

There isn't much to work with here on understanding the employment situation - whether he is trying hard or not to get a job, whether there is a language issue, etc. It matters.

Idaho is far enough North to where Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) could be playing a role. It's really bad up here near the Arctic Circle.

Even if you are unemployed too a person can sit down and list things to accomplish instead of drifting along in a depression. Just accomplishing things on a list makes a person feel better by having direction and purpose. Fix the place up. Hobby. Whatever.

But this is a discussion board and the topic is germane right here so go ahead and give us more and many will be happy to talk it over with you. A Boise girl. He should be thanking his lucky stars, but that's my opinion...

[BoiseGirl 0]

Hi y'all!

Thanks for your responses--it's just nice to know I'm not alone! No one warns you about this stuff!

And...Mateo JUST got a job this morning!!!! after about a dozen interviews. I feel so relieved!!!

I did talk to him about how lonely I felt, not hanging out with friends out of fear of leaving him alone. And even though he told me a dozen times that he WANTS me to go out with them (and he gets along great with them when I bring him along), I always end up feeling bad about leaving him alone either way! Especially since he moved abroad to be with me. I think him being at a job will take care of some of this but not 100% since he's obviously still adjusting.

I guess that's my own issue though--do any of you think men are better at having that boundary and not feeling guilty in this kind of situation? any tips on how to not feel guilty about leaving the new immigrant alone??

Edited February 8, 2011 by BoiseGirl

[BoiseGirl 0]

And another thing I don't understand (and maybe the Latino responders can speak to this) is that he refused to take a job at a place like McDonald's or whatever, because doing so in Colombia has such a bad social stigma attached to it (I know in Colombia there is a lot more socio-economic stratification). He looked even more depressed on the few days he went to talk to stores and restaurants like that, and with all his other cultural adjustments, I decided not to push that one. I wish I had though, because being the only live person he talked to EVERY DAY--as much as I love him--was pretty crappy. Lesson learned!

[Mononoke28 134]

I know that when people make the decision to be together and file their application, the thought of them having a hard time adjusting is not even a possibility. On top of that, add the cultural adjustment AND life together as husband and wife, which is not as romantic as people think it should be.

I firmly believe that it has a lot to do with how both people involved look at the situation. One, he has to put more effort. That nonsense about not wanting to work at McDonald's because it's beneath him does not apply here in the US. One because the economy does not give us the luxury to be so picky and two because he needs to stay busy and not complaint about it. Good thing he found a job though.

Secondly, you also have to help him out. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but from the moment you filed that application for his visa you had to think about all the sacrifices you had to do for him, or it doesn't work. That includes supporting him emotionally and financially, helping him adapt to a new culture, helping him adapt to a new life in a new country away from his family and friends and that means not holding on so tightly to your own friends. This relationship is different from all others because when they get here, they're just like a brand new baby. You have to show them the way and help them figure things out until they adjust. At the same time they have to help themselves. It's a team effort.

I was there, trust me, but we BOTH pitched in and we're in a much better place now. So it's not just him, it's also you.

Good luck!

Diana

[TBoneTX 43,041]

In general and in the U.S. right now, any job is a good job. Attitude is everything (well, with performance added in), and anyone who tackles even the most "menial" job with spirit and gusto will be noticed positively, and gain more opportunities as a result.

"Menial" versus "satisfying" is the difference between what a job purportedly is to "society" and what is is to YOU.

Same thing with partners. What's more important: what he or she is to the world, or what he or she is to YOU?

[rlogan 2,036]

any tips on how to not feel guilty about leaving the new immigrant alone??

Leave him with your younger sister.

[uniquecouple 0]

Leave him with your younger sister.

This one and your previous posts just makes me think... this guy is an absolute lun***!

Feel sorry for you dude!!!

[luckytxn 2,263]

And another thing I don't understand (and maybe the Latino responders can speak to this) is that he refused to take a job at a place like McDonald's or whatever, because doing so in Colombia has such a bad social stigma attached to it (I know in Colombia there is a lot more socio-economic stratification). He looked even more depressed on the few days he went to talk to stores and restaurants like that, and with all his other cultural adjustments, I decided not to push that one. I wish I had though, because being the only live person he talked to EVERY DAY--as much as I love him--was pretty crappy. Lesson learned!

I know some people that are like that and my brother feels some jobs are beneath him. He was laid off and would only send out resumes and not go get menial jobs at all to even help out. I have done many other type work and when I was younger and making a lot less I used to do menial jobs to have extra income. I have delivered pizza (which I loved) to cleaning crew to manual labor. I never feel that any job is beneath me and for some reason enjoy any job I had. I looked at them as a positive though as I do everything in life. A couple of times I was noticed and offered a job with more money and that made me feel good. It is all attitude and what we make of things.