what to expect when partner arrives

[Marc & Solika 1]

Americans sure do slam car doors.

haha, I am American (US parents), but born in England...... please don't slam my car door!!!

[tom&tata 2]

here's a question- has anyone lived in the US for a few months and returned on a K1 visa? would that make transitioning less painful? my SO lived here for 3 months when we met. he seemed fairly comfortable and eager to learn. i'm hoping this will make the move a little easier on both of us.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help. It's much much more than being familiar with the area. It's the whole process of re-establishing yourself by dealing with the next phases of the immigration process, trying to figure out how things are done here..... obtaining your driver's license, SSN, bank/credit issues.... and on and on and on.... all the while dealing with the separation from everything and everyone you knew and loved. It's very traumatic, really.

I moved to live abroad before - but it was temporary (school & then job). It is not the same adjustment as I knew the previous move was not permanent. I did not make the effort to re-establish life for the previous move as I did not plan to settle down in that country - buying a house - that sort of thing. On top of that, the immigration process for previous move was done by the school/the company. All I had to do was show up at the appointment.

[Marc & Solika 1]

Excellent post and excellent advice. I will add that the first year is the hardest as you learn to adapt to each other and living with someone else in your/their space, but that every year afterwards it gets easier. We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary this year and I would say each year has been better than the one before at defining/finding our level of comfort with each other. While marriage is a partnership, it is not always an equal partnership - sometimes you require more from your partner and sometimes they require more from you. If each of you is willing to give 75% or more to the relationship all the time - or to the best of your ability at the times when you are the one in need, you will always have an overlap of giving to each other that will go a long way to sustaining you through the difficult times that do come.

Well said. I like your 75% rule

[jpcanon 0]

It's been almost six months since my husband (then fiance) arrived here. I want to share some of our experience in the hopes that it helps those of you who are still waiting for Day Number One.

First, when you are waiting, it seems like everything is going to be so great when your partner arrives. It will be, but be prepared to weather some storms too. It's hard for your friends and family to understand some of the things we go through, and sometimes they make snap judgements or misunderstand your spouse or relationship. Knowing this in advance, you need to be able to filter out the non-supportive words from even your closest pals. You don't have to dump those friends, just don't go sharing everything for a while.

There were a lot of things I never considered before my husband arrived in the US, and same for him. It will likely be the same for you. No amount of preparation can cover it all, so give yourself a break when you feel overwhelmed or wonder what in the world were you thinking. You may have some friends/family who had misgivings beforehand, and told you, and you brushed it off. Don't sweat it, and if they are not a good listener or supporter right now, just give them space.

If you have friends/family who immigrated here, they can be really understanding and a great help. You can cry on their shoulder, and they are probably waiting to help or listen if you need it. When I was struggling the most, my Salvadorean friend, who's like an Auntie, listened to my guilty confession of "it's so hard!" without surprise or judgment. She said, the first six months are the hardest, for everyone. Dont worry! It will get better! Give it six months. These words carried me through some hard times, and maybe they can help you too.

Keep in touch with some of your friends from VJ. You may reach a point when everything seems bad but you think you can't tell anyone, cause it seems like everyone else is happy. Wrong!!!! Actually, they may be relieved to share similar experiences. It really really helps to talk to others who have a foreign spouse, regardless of the country, because you start to realize who profound the cultural differences are. What you subconsciously or consciously thought your spouse was an idiot/jackass/scardeycat/goofball/etc etc for doing, after talking with others you may come to realize there is a cultural gap that needs to be bridged. You bridge it by talking to your spouse, in a gentle, non blaming, explanatory way.

Realize that it's normal for your spouse to not trust your explanation of some things, and don't be offended. It may take a while for them to americanize on certain things. Give them some leeway, and try to put yourself in their shoes: its not just a location change, moving here involves changing a lot of long-held beliefs too. For example, my hubby won't use a debit card b/c "plastic is only for savings", thinks sun tea is very unhealthy b/c "the water sat in the sun", and believes firmly that when offered a sample at the farmer's market, you must make a purchase, or it's extremely rude. However, after chiding me for months for "slamming" the car door, he now admits that "all americans seem to slam the car doors." Ah, the little successes! And the more other americans that your partner is exposed to, the faster these little successes seem to come, so don't let them hole up too much if they seem fearful or resistant.

Remember that before your partner's arrival here, they may have been primed with all kinds of bad information about INS and our police arresting illegals and so forth. Don't think that once they arrive they will forget- their friends and family back home will continue to feed them with awful stories and rumors. They may not even tell you they fear harrassment or arrest, and they may refuse to believe that because you or a lawyer did all their paperwork, they are safe. They may feel profoundly unsafe, and not tell you. Even if their legal status doesnt trouble them, they may undergo a personality change due to the stress of all the changes in their life, for example, from confident and outgoing to timid and shy. This may lead you to wonder, what the hell was i thinking, and who is this person? Try not to belittle them or be angry that they have "irrational" fears like this. Don't worry! Back to the six month rule! Your partner will gradually feel more and more comfortable and things will really get better when they get their green card. (FYI, that's what the AOS application is for.)

At the six month mark, my husband and I have a long way to go to fully adjust him to the US, me to his customs and beliefs, and each other to marriage. It seems like things will really smooth out with another six months of patience and understanding. We have both come a long way. Remember to celebrate your little successes, and show your love and appreciation for their efforts! You are building the foundation of your lives together. Best wishes to you both. Remember the six month rule!

Very well written and heartfelt- nice post!

Joe

[Imua 0]

Just make sure your thumb isn't in that car door - happened to me when I was a kid...and the car was one of those tank-like Lincoln Continentals so you really had to slam the door HARD..... I still have the scar....

And I would agree give it a year - it took me that long just to adjust to being in NYC from Hawaii.

My biggest worry is... what is he going to DO while I am at work, if he doesn't have any work leads to follow up on, etc.? We don't have any kids or pets(want to get a bird or two, maybe a dog), live in a small apartment(with a roommate...for now, until we have 2 incomes) so it's not like there's yardwork, etc. for him to do... He is used to being with his mom and dad and 3 sisters at home...used to help his dad a lot with his business... at least my roommate has met my husband before in Nepal and they enjoyed hanging out together so he won't be alone all the time.

[jm&mcs 1]

My husband's first job was to get started learning English and getting settled. When it was time for him to go to work, the economy had tanked and so had his job. I told him not not to worry, but he had issues with his wife supporting him. I said concentrate on your English and I found a place for him to volunteer on a regular basis. He likes his voluteer job very much. The people like his work and will be a reference for him. And his English is excellent for being here 8 months. His teacher is amazed how fast he is learning. I don't know if your husband is fluent in English, but if not, classes are great and there are free ones!!

[rebeccajo 14]

Bottom line.......it's marriage (which ain't always easy even with the 'locals') plus it's got those extra layers of mixed cultures and romance from the LDR.

Would I ever do it again? Not in a million years.

Am I glad I did it once?

With this man.......................yes.

[milimelo 4,236]

here's a question- has anyone lived in the US for a few months and returned on a K1 visa? would that make transitioning less painful? my SO lived here for 3 months when we met. he seemed fairly comfortable and eager to learn. i'm hoping this will make the move a little easier on both of us.

And just to add, yes I would agree with the 6 month rule. My wife has been here 7 months and it seems the last, maybe 2 months, has been really smooth and "normal". So for us, maybe 5 months...we were lucky. And it helped my wife spoke good English before arriving. Some of it also is for two people, single for quite a while, to adjust to each other and a life with a spouse...no different than any other married couple, but with the added stress of a new country.

this is my main concern--i've been single and have lived alone for 2 years....it's going to be quite the change!

I have studied in the US for a year, then went home for 5 years before I met my husband and then we moved to the States. In some ways, it was easier for me since I knew what to expect and where to go to to get things done and my USC husband was "learning" from me that yes, you can contact your representatives if you need assistance, yes you do this and that even though I was the foreigner here. Could be our age difference - I am 3 yrs older but only when I moved here did he find out the workings of the government and where to go - we had easy DCF and I filled everything all he had to do is get the letter from his commander.

For me, as a foreigner, it was not very difficult either getting a job or adjusting to life here - of course, still miss my family but that's never going to change until we move back to Europe :-)

[annieob 0]

here's a question- has anyone lived in the US for a few months and returned on a K1 visa? would that make transitioning less painful? my SO lived here for 3 months when we met. he seemed fairly comfortable and eager to learn. i'm hoping this will make the move a little easier on both of us.

I lived in the US for 13 months, returned home to finish uni and then moved back on a K1. While I'm sure it made some things easier for me (I knew some people here already, it wasn't so much of a culture shock), I still found it difficult. It is hard for me to feel totally dependant on someone, and I still felt lonely and homesick. I have been here 10months and still feel that way sometimes.

Luckily I have a great husband who is understanding and patient and has really helped the transition.

[Sandrila 1]

Keep in touch with some of your friends from VJ. You may reach a point when everything seems bad but you think you can't tell anyone, cause it seems like everyone else is happy. Wrong!!!! Actually, they may be relieved to share similar experiences.

This is great advice and a nice post all around

[SM&LP 0]

We had to go for a hard first year. I wanted to work and employees were playing games with my engineering degree not equivalent to a U.S. one. Hard for me to believe that I had never struggle employment in my home country and here I was getting ridiculous offers, if any. And of course I cried a lot and my poor husband had to be with me, i was in 50% or less, he was the rest of the partnership.

The good thing is that I started volunteering at the Catholic Charities, and I do really appreciate what they did to me. They on the first place put me in contact with people from Ecuador. The volunteering helped us a lot in our relation, I started to know some people and tell them that I was looking for a job...

For those arriving, that are not asking for an advice but will read anyway:

Put attention where you are going, start driving or taking the bus.

Find places to volunteer to know some people, to learn about technics, it may come handy.

Never forget your friends and family, but look for more.

And by the way, I did not have a car in Ecuador and boy that I slam the door! I should check my husband!

[trillium13 84]

This is a great thread, glad to see it back at the top. Every couple goes through a huge adjustment when they get married, even if they've always lived around the block from one another. Marrying someone from another country, and going through the whole immigration process adds a whole new dimension. It takes not only love, but a strong commitment to be able to support each other through this process. We've all read posts where this whole thing breaks down, and couples fail. Those of us who get through it come out much stronger at the end. I hated every second of waiting that we went through, but I wouldn't change anything one bit-it's only proved to me how much we love each other and are committed to supporting one another though everything, 100 percent.

It is easy to feel like you're alone in this process, that everyone else is doing great and you're not. It's nice to feel like you're not the only one who's had those feelings, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can say that now with confidence.

Thanks for the great thread!

Edited June 2, 2009 by trillium13

[Mrs.J06 4]

Excellent post, Chamy and Gatita. But I agree with Kathryn that the adjustment phase is closer to 1+ years than six months.

here's a question- has anyone lived in the US for a few months and returned on a K1 visa? would that make transitioning less painful? my SO lived here for 3 months when we met. he seemed fairly comfortable and eager to learn. i'm hoping this will make the move a little easier on both of us.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help. It's much much more than being familiar with the area. It's the whole process of re-establishing yourself by dealing with the next phases of the immigration process, trying to figure out how things are done here..... obtaining your driver's license, SSN, bank/credit issues.... and on and on and on.... all the while dealing with the separation from everything and everyone you knew and loved. It's very traumatic, really.

I have spent three months here before - and for me it did not help much with the adjustment.

It's a whole different feeling too if you know you will NOT go back after a certain time and you HAVE TO make this place home now. Not always bad, but completely different.

Also, the first 6 months should be exciting, everything is new and interesting etc. For me the hardest time was after about a year and a half and lasted about a year.

[tallcoolone 102]

Me and my wife have hit it off from the day she arrived

She has been here 8 months and we are fully adjusted.

We dated for 2 years before she came to US, maybe that is why we have seen no issues or problems.

[HWANG0926 0]

My fiance's lives in Korea for 30 years... well, as for my self, i am Chinese-American. Its definitely going to be a stage of adjustment for him. Especially when you turn it the opposite way around. For a guy... not to have income and do anything... especially in the Korean cultures, guys are suppose to be the bread winner and woman are suppose to be more submissive =)

I think in the beginning, i just have to very supportive and patient with him. And of course hopefully we will receive the green card ASAP... i think he's really worried that the time frame was take a long time & he would feel a bit worthless.

I think its important that 2 of you..... share a similar dream and goal in life ..... or else its definitely going to be difficult !

I'm glad i live in LA... there is a huge asian community out here, makes making friends a lot easier!