True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[*JG* 2]

It sounds like a really tough adjustment period to me. Honestly, while I know your mother was a huge help to you, she isn't helping your wife adjust to life as your wife.

I feel sorry for all of you involved. I hope you figure it out.

[sara..... 371]

oh ho i hope i dont step on any toes with what im gonna say.........

it his hard enough to come into a marraige where there are already children.....but with ur mom there as much as she is a help to u she is also a hindrance......here is why......as much as ur wife wants to bond with the children she prolly feels that she can never as much as she wants because ur children are very bonded to ur mom and this is good cuz she is grandmother......but the place for a grandmother is to step back and allow the new wife and children to bond with each other........the children can feel love for her but they can not completely accept her as their mom with a grand mother that is there watching.....she prolly felt that she might make a mistake if she need help im sure that she could have gone to YOU to get advise about the kids....its also important for u and ur new wife to have ur time together and thats when grandmothers are the most help maybe once a week or so.........ur wife left her home her family and came to a land that everything is different........really it sounds to me like over load of trying to deal with everything and prolly in her heart thought that u didnt want a child from her because u didnt involve urself with fertility......it is normal for any women to want a child from the man she loves......also she felt she had taken second place with u on two levels one from ur childs needs that were not life or death as in schooling funds that could have gone toward what ur wife needed legally to be able to work.....two because ur mom was in ur home so she had really been living is a guest not as a full functional person in ur life.......yes education is important .......but it is the higher education that is going to require both of ur incomes to help get them that education.....public schools are not the best but not the worst.........on the other hand ur wife does not feel useful to u on so many levels........i really hope that u can work this out because it does sound like u love each other......as far as the text goes ur mother should not have done that she could have nicely asked ur wife anytime u dont feel well i can go and get them from the bus stop if YOU dont mind.....going to u behind her back was a slap in her face....i know that fraud does happen and sure everyone needs to becareful but really it sounds to me like not enough credit was given to ur wife and she was not asked she was only expected to know things........also she needed more respect as in asking if it was ok if the grandmother did this or that........when people get upset things slip their mind and small things can become big things.......i will pray for both of u and i really hope things work out for u

sara

[Valsu 1]

oh ho i hope i dont step on any toes with what im gonna say.........

it his hard enough to come into a marraige where there are already children.....but with ur mom there as much as she is a help to u she is also a hindrance......here is why......as much as ur wife wants to bond with the children she prolly feels that she can never as much as she wants because ur children are very bonded to ur mom and this is good cuz she is grandmother......but the place for a grandmother is to step back and allow the new wife and children to bond with each other........the children can feel love for her but they can not completely accept her as their mom with a grand mother that is there watching.....she prolly felt that she might make a mistake if she need help im sure that she could have gone to YOU to get advise about the kids....its also important for u and ur new wife to have ur time together and thats when grandmothers are the most help maybe once a week or so.........ur wife left her home her family and came to a land that everything is different........really it sounds to me like over load of trying to deal with everything and prolly in her heart thought that u didnt want a child from her because u didnt involve urself with fertility......it is normal for any women to want a child from the man she loves......also she felt she had taken second place with u on two levels one from ur childs needs that were not life or death as in schooling funds that could have gone toward what ur wife needed legally to be able to work.....two because ur mom was in ur home so she had really been living is a guest not as a full functional person in ur life.......yes education is important .......but it is the higher education that is going to require both of ur incomes to help get them that education.....public schools are not the best but not the worst.........on the other hand ur wife does not feel useful to u on so many levels........i really hope that u can work this out because it does sound like u love each other......as far as the text goes ur mother should not have done that she could have nicely asked ur wife anytime u dont feel well i can go and get them from the bus stop if YOU dont mind.....going to u behind her back was a slap in her face....i know that fraud does happen and sure everyone needs to becareful but really it sounds to me like not enough credit was given to ur wife and she was not asked she was only expected to know things........also she needed more respect as in asking if it was ok if the grandmother did this or that........when people get upset things slip their mind and small things can become big things.......i will pray for both of u and i really hope things work out for u

sara

Thank you Sara. Trust me, you're not going to step on my toes at this point. I am aware of my follies on so many levels. I appreciate the way ou broke all of that apart. It's very true from every angle, and being in fast-paced work as I hav been, these are things I really did not notice until after the fact.

Thank you so much for your prayers and advice. I just hope she's willing to work things out with me after all of this.

[himher 634]

It was a big leap of trust to trade her life for life with you in the first place, and she probably feels that her needs, future, and basically her whole life is being put off - and each time it erodes her trust and faith in you and her future with you. Tack on a move, losing a baby (which can be TOUGH to come back from), dealing with your mother <btw, I wouldnt want someone in MY house who secretly records my conversations either, but wait, its YOUR house right?> and I'm sorry to say you AND your mommy AND your pastor also come off as a little overbearing as well (you actually know EXACTLY how much cash your wife has? who the hell has the time to keep up with that?) - where does that leave your wife? Stuck waiting in line behind everything else?

She cooks, cleans for your kids and mommy (until she stopped cleaning for mommy as "punishment"?), helps take care of the kids, wants a baby of her own - sounds like she came into this marriage in good faith. Putting her and her life off because "this or that happened to ME or MY kids needed this or MY mommy needed that" essentially made her little more than a servant to the needs of you, your mommy, and your family.

My wife is from south asia as well. I have 2 (they're not exactly bad, just reeeely active) kids. If they need something, I do it or I pay to have it done. It's my responsibility to take care of those kids, not my wife's. Our entire household, when my wife arrived, was centered around driving school, drivers license, EAD, AOS, and getting my wife out into the community as quickly as possible. There is a LOT of value to being able to just drive to the store or bank or get coffee whenever you want to. My wife shared that she felt pretty helpless here at first (no buses, taxis, vijays, lol like at home) and there was some appreciation at making getting her out and independent a priority.

You put your wife in a situation where she felt trapped, and she bolted. Had you tried that with a local girl (stay home all day, no working, no driving, take care of my mom and kids, and i'll get to your needs at some future distant time) then said local girl would have bolted also.

[Ban Hammer 12,842]

all i can say is wow!

[pushbrk 12,119]

all i can say is wow!

Wow indeed. Just for the record, "true love" is not a requirement for bona fide marriage and often takes years of trust and loving interaction to achieve. Many Asian people have a far different view of how to choose a mate than Western society's norms. It's more "How do they treat me?" and "What is the long term potential?" that drives their decisions about mates.

It looks to me like if you get another chance, there will need to be major changes in priorities for you.

[carpe diem 2]

I'm going to add something that may sound kind of heartless. I know you love your children and I'm sure they're wonderful. But as a highly-educated career woman who doesn't particularly relish spending a lot of time with other people's children (as an aside I'm undecided about whether I want to have children of my own although I think -- and many other women who have been in the same situation have confirmed this -- things might be different when they're yours), I would positively go crazy if I moved all the way across the world, only to find that my husband drags his feet getting my work papers in order and expects me to use my first few months here to warm up to his children and take care of them, however little he seems to be asking from his perspective. I'm not saying she shouldn't try to build up a relationship with your children. I'm saying they are YOUR children, not HERS (and her problems with getting pregnant probably make this all the more painful to her) and things might have worked better had she been able to build a relationship with them from a place where she is out of the house most of the day just like you are, having her own things, doing work where she can put her education and intelligence to use or at least where there is some chance of being able to do that down the road, learning about working in the US, and contributing financially. Of course she is exaggerating when she refers to herself as being a "slave" but I can relate somewhat to that feeling as she is basically being pushed in the role of the one who takes care of the children and the home and to her this probably feels like violence to her personality. And you working exceptionally long days makes this role patron worse-- if you're working these kinds of hours YOU haven't been contributing enough to your home and family life.

Your children and your mom are strangers to your wife, from a different culture-- and your mom probably thinks your wife landed the best deal ever with you (because that's how all moms feel about their sons) and I'm sure feels protective of her grandchildren who have gone through a rough time. I don't know how old your children are but in my experience young children perfectly understand it when you're not their parent and it's very difficult for a non-parent to set limits-- and probably more so when you're "daddy's new wife" who needs to build a lasting relationship with the children than when you're a nanny who has a more professional relationship with the family. In sum, the people with whom she spent most of her time were probably the least capable of understanding your wife's adjustment problems. It sounds to me like she was extremely isolated, only spent time with the people who are the closest to you and therefore probably not entirely receptive to her problems, and instead of being able to find her own way in this country by working, meeting other people through her professional life, maybe engaging in a community activity that's something she really loves doing and that allows her to build a bit of a life separate of yours, she was expected to make it a priority to build a relationship with your children and to cook for your church.

You sound like a great guy and you clearly love your wife, but I think you may have underestimated how hard this adjustment has been and how offensive it may have been to her that you didn't make it your first priority to help her get started in this country by applying for EAD and AP right away (especially seeing how you managed to "find" the sums for private school and other emergencies). Yes it's a lot of money but it sounds like you could have made it work if you really wanted to, and once she starts working it's earned back in no time.

I very much hope she will come back to you. If she does, please do everything you can to give her a good "re-start"-- at least help her find work, start looking into another solution for your mom, and do not make it your wife's primary responsibility to take care of your children (you managed before she moved to the US!). Also, and I think this is very important: Try to find someone she can talk to, either a psychologist or a social worker or a religious person, but it has to be someone who has NO ties to you. You're American and probably very sociable (and had your work connections to get you started); even though your town is new to you too, it is clear that you've been able to make connections and build a life for yourself in a pretty short time. It is important for her to be able to talk to someone who is not connected to you, who will not report back to you, to whom she can say how she really feels about her situation, the kids, your family, without fearing that what she says will reach you. As you recognize, sometimes we all need to vent and say things that we don't necessarily mean but just want to get off our chests and it's essential for her to be able to do that without being afraid to complicate her relationship with you and your family.

Best of luck. I hope we'll get to see a happy update one day.

Edited November 20, 2008 by carpe diem

[soon~tobe 0]

I'm going to add something that may sound kind of heartless. I know you love your children and I'm sure they're wonderful. But as a highly-educated career woman who doesn't particularly relish spending a lot of time with other people's children (as an aside I'm undecided about whether I want to have children of my own although I think -- and many other women who have been in the same situation have confirmed this -- things might be different when they're yours), I would positively go crazy if I moved all the way across the world, only to find that my husband drags his feet getting my work papers in order and expects me to use my first few months here to warm up to his children and take care of them, however little he seems to be asking from his perspective. I'm not saying she shouldn't try to build up a relationship with your children. I'm saying they are YOUR children, not HERS (and her problems with getting pregnant probably make this all the more painful to her) and things might have worked better had she been able to build a relationship with them from a place where she is out of the house most of the day just like you are, having her own things, doing work where she can put her education and intelligence to use or at least where there is some chance of being able to do that down the road, learning about working in the US, and contributing financially. Of course she is exaggerating when she refers to herself as being a "slave" but I can relate somewhat to that feeling as she is basically being pushed in the role of the one who takes care of the children and the home and to her this probably feels like violence to her personality. And you working exceptionally long days makes this role patron worse-- if you're working these kinds of hours YOU haven't been contributing enough to your home and family life.

Your children and your mom are strangers to your wife, from a different culture-- and your mom probably thinks your wife landed the best deal ever with you (because that's how all moms feel about their sons) and I'm sure feels protective of her grandchildren who have gone through a rough time. I don't know how old your children are but in my experience young children perfectly understand it when you're not their parent and it's very difficult for a non-parent to set limits-- and probably more so when you're "daddy's new wife" who needs to build a lasting relationship with the children than when you're a nanny who has a more professional relationship with the family. In sum, the people with whom she spent most of her time were probably the least capable of understanding your wife's adjustment problems. It sounds to me like she was extremely isolated, only spent time with the people who are the closest to you and therefore probably not entirely receptive to her problems, and instead of being able to find her own way in this country by working, meeting other people through her professional life, maybe engaging in a community activity that's something she really loves doing and that allows her to build a bit of a life separate of yours, she was expected to make it a priority to build a relationship with your children and to cook for your church.

You sound like a great guy and you clearly love your wife, but I think you may have underestimated how hard this adjustment has been and how offensive it may have been to her that you didn't make it your first priority to help her get started in this country by applying for EAD and AP right away (especially seeing how you managed to "find" the sums for private school and other emergencies). Yes it's a lot of money but it sounds like you could have made it work if you really wanted to, and once she starts working it's earned back in no time.

I very much hope she will come back to you. If she does, please do everything you can to give her a good "re-start"-- at least help her find work, start looking into another solution for your mom, and do not make it your wife's primary responsibility to take care of your children (you managed before she moved to the US!). Also, and I think this is very important: Try to find someone she can talk to, either a psychologist or a social worker or a religious person, but it has to be someone who has NO ties to you. You're American and probably very sociable (and had your work connections to get you started); even though your town is new to you too, it is clear that you've been able to make connections and build a life for yourself in a pretty short time. It is important for her to be able to talk to someone who is not connected to you, who will not report back to you, to whom she can say how she really feels about her situation, the kids, your family, without fearing that what she says will reach you. As you recognize, sometimes we all need to vent and say things that we don't necessarily mean but just want to get off our chests and it's essential for her to be able to do that without being afraid to complicate her relationship with you and your family.

Best of luck. I hope we'll get to see a happy update one day.

I agree with a lot of what you said here. As I was reading the OP I thought the same thing. It is hard for a step-mom to come in even when she is American, I can not imagine how much more difficult it would be not knowing the culture and having diffrent ideas on how children should be raised. I also thinking going from being a singel women with no children to being a monther of 2 with grandma in tow is HARD!!

I am sure she likes your children but for her to love them the way you do will take a lot of time. I am sure she fills like a nanny a lot of the time-stuck taking care of your children.

You do seem like a nice guy, but I think there way a lot being expected of your wife. Culture shock is a difficult thing to go through, add on that taking care of someone elses kids, living with your MIL, and no way to just get away for a bit, or girlfriends to unwind with-all sounds like a very lot to deal with.

I think if she comes back you need to get AOS right away. Help her gain some independance-drivers license, job, hobby. She needs time away from you and your kids (yes we all need a break-and no staying home in "your" house alone durning the day dosn't count).

I also think it is time for mom to move out- you need to help your wife to be able to make your home her home and moving mom out would help a lot.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

If she leaves me, do I look abroad again, or just stop looking at all? So many questions plague my mind and heart.

WOW. You are already thinking about the next wife??? Not very chivalry....

[Cuchita 1]

Well what I want to tell you is please don't let your kids get sick over this. Your wife definetly has a problem beacuse of the miscarriage. That's the first thing the doctors should have told you when it happened.

So tell them everything is going to be just fine and don't let them see you crying anymore that doesn't help. Your kids lifes still have to go on and you don't want to face another problem. They lost one mom now another one, that's tough, so tell them your family is them and you nobody else for now they don't have to worry cause you'll be fine.

I hope God helps her recover and go back home to you. If she does take her to the doc. right away, also call the police whenever she's back.

Only time can tell.

Let us know of the progress.

Take care

[Gemmie 142]

If she leaves me, do I look abroad again, or just stop looking at all? So many questions plague my mind and heart.

WOW. You are already thinking about the next wife??? Not very chivalry....

I think he meant 'do I look for her abroad', not get another wife. He clearly wants her back..

[Chica Yeyé 41]

If she leaves me, do I look abroad again, or just stop looking at all? So many questions plague my mind and heart.

WOW. You are already thinking about the next wife??? Not very chivalry....

I think he meant 'do I look for her abroad', not get another wife. He clearly wants her back..

Oh, ok. Thanks for the clarification, I was going

[Valsu 1]

If she leaves me, do I look abroad again, or just stop looking at all? So many questions plague my mind and heart.

WOW. You are already thinking about the next wife??? Not very chivalry....

I think he meant 'do I look for her abroad', not get another wife. He clearly wants her back..

Correct. If she leaves me, she'll have been out of status long enough to be barred from re-entering the US for 3-10 years. That means I would have to consider looking at moving abroad to be with her, or wait all of that time to get her back.

I don't even want to think about possibilities of finding some other woman. Especially not after this. I love my wife too much, and I want her, and only her.

[thetreble 19]

I don't want to negate all the problems of adjustment and how hard it is for someone to adjust in a new country, but it sounds like your wife didn't really want to be a wife! Please don't take offense to that, but all that arguing and everything can't be healthy and make any one happy. There is a point where you realize it is not going to work out for what ever reasons and you just cut your losses. Why be with someone who consistently picks fights with you?

My husband and I have had our fair share of fights, mostly in my adjustment period, but nothing like what you speak of.

I wish you luck in the future.

[JenT 0]

And I thought I was a prolific writer!!

Hopefully, as in my case, your writing has served as a sort of therapy and a way to uncover the real issues.

I suffered 3 miscarriages before carrying 2 babies to term (with complications) so I am well-aware of the emotional/psychological trauma that is suffered after the physical healing is complete.

I hope that you are able to reconcile after all of this.... and I would take a hard look at the relationship dependencies in your household and decided what's healthy for all concerned.

Jen