True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[STEPHnRIA 2]

She wants to have a baby with the US Citizen husband. She is willing to go through fertility testing. She wants a family...and she is a suspect of fraud. Wow! Think again...

Having children is seriously not an exemption to fraud. I honestly do NOT think she is a fraud, but I still must be precautious after the way she went about leaving so abruptly.

I know very many cases where kids were involved with fraudulent marriages.

There was one guy I knew personally, and actually babysitted his two beautiful filipino-american children a few times back when I was in college. His wife actually married him, had two kids with him, and then left him and her own kids behind without a word of why. Later, he found out that she actually had a boyfriend from the Philippines who she was waiting for to enter the country and get his greencard. He married a US woman, fraudulently used her, and moved here also. Once both the filipinos had their greendcards, they both abandoned their spouses, and moved together to Florida--leaving both American spouses and a total of 5 children behind. Never even contacting their own children since, and leaving their former spouses holding the bags. Fraud from the begining.

Another situation is a guy who had his own child coming into a relationship, and then had one child with a german lady. She waited for him to file the AOS, and once he did, she provoked him, and then punched him in the neck. When he verbally defended himself, the police were called, and he was arrested for DV 5th degree. He lost his job, his home, his car, and both of his children (including the one from a previous marriage), and became a criminal with a record overnight. She managed to self-apply for AOS using VAWA while living in his home, and sued him for child support for both children--pretty much took him for everything. He was forced to turn over his car, soley in his name, to her--which didn't even have a driver's license.

Sure, you say those are rare occasions, but you cannot be naive and suspect such things cannot happen to you. While I do not believe my wife is doing this at all, I still must be precautious for the sakes of my children, home, and career I've worked ever so diligently to obtain.

When someone just abandons you, for any reason, it brings you to question their sincerity.

I know, however, with the miscarriage, she's just not thinking straight right now, and hopefully she comes around soon.

I know there were stories like that and I still ask why there are mothers who abandon their children. But she won't be this emotional if this child is for "greencard purpose" only. I just want to answer the question that I don't think she married you for greencard. She loves you and reading from your post, I know you are a good man and you love her. So I hope she comes back to you so you will have the chance to save your marriage.

About the fertility, you don't go through intensive fetility test right away. I went through fertility procedures after a year of not getting pregnant. First, the doctor requested for transvaginal ultrasound, I have polycystic ovaries. But before recommending any procedures, the doctor also had to check the husband, which is sperm count. But anyway, there are different stages and not all fertility procedures mean the expensive one like "invitro". Your wife probably wanted to start with the fertility procedures right away because sometimes even if you have the money, the problem is the age of the woman. So its also important to know right away before its too late.

And another thing, I had a miscarriage before. I was supposed to have twins but the other twin died on the fourth week. I thought I was going crazy. I cried for a long time, I think for like 3 months. It was so hard, I can't even find the right words to explain it. It was a good thing my parents and my sisters were there. But that time, I hated and resented my ex husband because I felt like he didn't care. I know how your wife felt but what made it worse was her parents or her own family were not there. She relied on you but you were working long hours. She had the reasons to feel alone. So fighting and provoking you was her way to get your attention.

Edited November 20, 2008 by STEPHnRIA

[jom 4]

Your and your wife's story moved me to tears. My heart goes out to her who is my countrywoman , to you who has not given up despite the odds and to your children who are once again broken hearted because of her absence.

A lot of the responses make sense, especially the after effects of having a miscarriage. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through especially that she wanted that baby so much. I am 39 years old my husband 46 but I have accepted the fact that I may or may not have a child of our own although I pray everyday that I will get pregnant soon. You can call me desperate but for us, having children of our own is very important.

As what you said, she is a professional and had a job before she left the Philippines. Leaving that job and not able to work here is also very frustrating especially for her who is a known worker. I can relate to her in connection with wanting to work and not just stay at home. I have also worked all my life and leaving my job to relocate was a hard decision. My husband doesn't mind me working but we made an agreement that I won't work until after a year of our marriage so we can truly spend time together 24/7 for a year. I am better situated though because I travel with my husband so I am not left at home by myself. I have been attending school the last 3 weeks for a refresher course so travelling with him was no longer an option but I have school to think about and in a way I am not bored at home. Not being able to be with him 24/7 was a complete change but we are adjusting well with the new situation and I am looking forward to work by the start of next year.

I believe all her " issues" just came down bearing on her at one time so she took off. No AOS/EAD for her to find work, issues with your mother , taking care of the children and most especially her being alone in the house because you were busy at work. Believe me, a lot of my friends who just stay home waiting for their husbands to arrive from work don't have much things to do after cleaning the house. Most household chores are finished even before lunch and after that, there is nothing to do. TV and browsing the internet can also be boring after sometime. If she is working, she will feel more important and not useless. I can only imagine how she felt. . . with two masters degree and working, suddenly she is turned into a plain housewife and her only way out to the working world again is filing that AOS but you WONT. She is not working, all alone by herself in the house, her "job" is to take care of you, the kids and the house. . .it may be a life for some women but to your wife its not and this is driving her crazy. . plus she lost her baby.

Dont give up on her because she is not a fraud. Help her bring back her identity. When she returns, file that AOS, find a way to finance it and maybe, just maybe she will feel better knowing that she will be able to do things she is used to and that is working and not just be at home taking care of everybody. You married a professional woman who is used to working and not stay home. This must be very difficult for her.

I pray she will return to you very soon. Yes, you will have to make some changes and priorities. You love her very much I can tell but you have to look deeper and also fulfill her other needs.

Goodluck

[pcana 0]

Your and your wife's story moved me to tears. My heart goes out to her who is my countrywoman , to you who has not given up despite the odds and to your children who are once again broken hearted because of her absence.

A lot of the responses make sense, especially the after effects of having a miscarriage. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through especially that she wanted that baby so much. I am 39 years old my husband 46 but I have accepted the fact that I may or may not have a child of our own although I pray everyday that I will get pregnant soon. You can call me desperate but for us, having children of our own is very important.

As what you said, she is a professional and had a job before she left the Philippines. Leaving that job and not able to work here is also very frustrating especially for her who is a known worker. I can relate to her in connection with wanting to work and not just stay at home. I have also worked all my life and leaving my job to relocate was a hard decision. My husband doesn't mind me working but we made an agreement that I won't work until after a year of our marriage so we can truly spend time together 24/7 for a year. I am better situated though because I travel with my husband so I am not left at home by myself. I have been attending school the last 3 weeks for a refresher course so travelling with him was no longer an option but I have school to think about and in a way I am not bored at home. Not being able to be with him 24/7 was a complete change but we are adjusting well with the new situation and I am looking forward to work by the start of next year.

I believe all her " issues" just came down bearing on her at one time so she took off. No AOS/EAD for her to find work, issues with your mother , taking care of the children and most especially her being alone in the house because you were busy at work. Believe me, a lot of my friends who just stay home waiting for their husbands to arrive from work don't have much things to do after cleaning the house. Most household chores are finished even before lunch and after that, there is nothing to do. TV and browsing the internet can also be boring after sometime. If she is working, she will feel more important and not useless. I can only imagine how she felt. . . with two masters degree and working, suddenly she is turned into a plain housewife and her only way out to the working world again is filing that AOS but you WONT. She is not working, all alone by herself in the house, her "job" is to take care of you, the kids and the house. . .it may be a life for some women but to your wife its not and this is driving her crazy. . plus she lost her baby.

Dont give up on her because she is not a fraud. Help her bring back her identity. When she returns, file that AOS, find a way to finance it and maybe, just maybe she will feel better knowing that she will be able to do things she is used to and that is working and not just be at home taking care of everybody. You married a professional woman who is used to working and not stay home. This must be very difficult for her.

I pray she will return to you very soon. Yes, you will have to make some changes and priorities. You love her very much I can tell but you have to look deeper and also fulfill her other needs.

Goodluck

Wonderful post!!!!

[Old Dominion 26]

What a sad, sad story. Your wife did not have fraud in mind, it is clear to me. Sad to say, your story suggests also that you did not have in mind the full responsibility of a Christian marriage partnership. Nothing happens in that marriage except when it is your will. Whoever heard of taping conversations except as a way to control people? What spouse knows how much cash the other carries at any given time? You may be a micromanager at work (perhaps for good reason) but you can't micromanage a marriage. A slave expects to be micromanaged, treated like a robot, and I suppose that's why she used that word.

Now you seem to understand the emotional side of a miscarriage, but where was your mother/advisor when that happened? Private school tuition versus the fee for a fertility test? You've invested in a local business already? Marrying immediately was a great idea, for then it would be possible to get going with the EAD and AOS. Why didn't the applications get submitted right away, as in first things first?

The whole act of hunting down your wife is also questionable, and one more evidence of your wish to be in control of everything around you.

As someone else observed, you need to get your priorities straight for the sake of your kids, your wife, and your own well-being. No doubt your pastor would agree.

[JayJay 4]

Oh boy...she sounds very...very...very...very depressed. I think the way you write and the language you use is very useful actually because it makes the entire situation quite a lot easier to analyze.

Depression is designed not to make any sense to anyone! So is grief. Depression and grief combined can be a maddening combination, and I think even more maddening when you are from a different country and perhaps not quite as articulate in English as you or I. That would make your feelings that much more difficult to express, and keeping them inside would more than likely result in just the type of explosive situation you describe.

Now I do have some comments on the child loss front, from a female point of view. Now, we recently lost our full term daughter Josie to a devastating and life threatening (for me - she was gone already) placental abruption before birth. Putting all the physically destructive after effects aside, the emotional aftermath of losing that life force - be it a full term baby or just the spark of life or what you thought was life can be just overwhelming. Comparing a stillbirth to a miscarriage might be a stretch for some, but I can totally see it.

You wife thought she had life in her. For a woman, that is an incredibly powerful feeling kind of like having the sun rise inside your soul - enormous and wonderful. She felt like a goddess - full of creation. I felt like that - it didn't take long - just a few days, for that feeling to set in for real and then, for most, pregnancy is just incredible. It's indescribable and deeply touching on a psychological level just being pregnant.

Then, suddenly, it's gone. The life has been snuffed out - be it big or little. Now your wife is not only dealing with a the fact that the life has been extinguished, but also told that it never had been and therefore she had no real reason to grieve. Wow - headspin! So, what's being told to her is that essentially, she is useless and unable to produce life even while pregnant That'd send her into total hatred at herself (and an easy vehicle she is then, for depression) and lead her to totally mistrust her body. How could you love her - she would say - if she couldn't even produce life? So trying to get you to throw her out would be symptomatic of a depression and desperate mistrust in herself - she wanted you to validate her hatred of herself and say "Yes! I agree you're useless - leave now!" Though - it's very hard to get that, if she looks physically healthy. you wouldn't have known soon enough to be able to help her figure out what she was feeling.

Of course, she's not useless - she's perfectly capable of making life and lovely (though she minght also be worried if she's in her 30's and wants to have kids soon). She is however confused, depressed and probably really lonely. The MIL situation was difficult for her for two reasons I'd guess: not only was she there and in many ways in the way of your relationship as a couple (that is inevitable no matter how well you get along, many times), but also you MIL wouldn't let her be depressed. As a depressed person, I would say she only had enough energy to sit and do nothing (hence the long times in the restroom or bedroom) and be boring! Mentally, both normal grief (over her miscarriage) and depression are terribly mentally draining. You get mental fatigue very quickly. You can't cope with much of anything. If nobody is recognizing what it is you're going through, they will assume you are not pulling your weight...not so.

There's so much more to this - I have to make some tea now but I think perhaps I'll come back a little later as well. Hope the above made sense. Personally after the death of Josie I was absolutely determined to not be depressed, and I am not - but I have been before, and it was awful. That's why I knew I did not want depression in my life as a result of our stillbirth. But, grief has many of the same symptoms too, and we've been grieving for sure.

You sound like a really nice guy. I do hope you can come to understand more about how she might be feeling - because she sounds like a really nice lady, and I am so sad she's feeling so sad. I hope she does come back and that you can hold her, because if I were in your shoes, I know that's what I'd be wanting to do at this stage. (F)

[Tsup2 0]

If I were in your shoes:

1. Prepare the AOS paperwork and have it ready for her to sign when she comes home. File it immediately upon her return. If you would take a bullet for her then why not file for the AOS.

2. Find your mother another place to live. You give good reasons for her to be there but your spouse will never really feel like it's her home as long as your Mother is living there.

3. Take the lead in caring for your children.

4. Allow her time to heal.

From what I have read in your post, this is not visa fraud in my opinion. She is getting bad advise from well intentioned people who are only getting one side of the story.

I hope it all works out for you.

[himher 634]

I would also plan to back off a bit. The situation you describe might be interpreted as very close to servitude and your post-fallout actions fall very close to the definition of stalking, in spite of your elequent excuses and rationalizations for doing so. This is just from perusing YOUR side which does not take your wife's feelings into account at all. I have sympathy for both of you but at the same time I do not think a reasonable person would interpret your decision making in the train of events you described as being in the best interests of a shared marriage.

Fraud goes (2) ways, if you represented yourself and your life together as something different than your wife's actual experience could that be a form of fraud? ARRIVING here is only a fraction of the immigration process, and it sounds like, from what YOU say, she did her part and more. Assuring your wife a minimum quality of life once she got here is still your responsibility and in that she has been let down hard and badly.

IF this were my sister or one of my daughters I think I would expect you to honor her wishes and leave her alone if she wanted to be left alone. If you were still stalking her I think you would be encouraged (with prejudice) to give her time to get herself together. Sorry dude for your loss it sounds like the signs were all there and there were a few chances to stop, back away, and regroup along the path. Lots of guys lose someone they care about because they are controlling, insensitive, and can't cut their umbilical cord (not pointing fingers or judging just musing that things like that can happen).

[andrew&evelyn 6]

And when ever she came back. Forgive and forget everything that is bad. And have a fresh new start

[DanielParul 50]

No offense here but Filipinas are very family oriented and care for families and familes mean everything to them then why is everyone telling him to get his mother out of the house instead of working around it. Thats not the same advice those Filipinas give when its their family in question..

I know I am probably going to be hammered for this one

Edited November 20, 2008 by DanielParul

[msu17 0]

So after reading your whole post, I'm being lazy and not reading 3 pages of comments so I hope I'm not repeating or anything.

My opinion as a professional woman who is very much looking forward to having children (though I'm the USC, so not quite your wife's position) is that she's suffering from some sort of breakdown, but not fraud. You said she NEEDS to work and not be at home with kids. I'm the same way. I could do stuff around the house for so long, but if after 10 months I still hadn't even FILED for my work permit, I would consider not doing anything even without all the other stuff going on. I would expect my husband (if the situation was flipped) to do ANYTHING to get me my AOS started ASAP. Yes, life does get in the way, but sometimes some things just need to come first and I think she started to feel like you weren't doing this for her, especially if you were away a lot and couldn't reassure her. Add on top of all this that she also lost a baby and clearly is having a very tough time (as has already been brought up) I think she was ripe for something to break.

In addition if she's started talking with a group that could be encouraging her to leave or telling her that there is no reason for you not having filed the AOS except to keep her as a slave, she could start getting a skewed view of what's going on. Because let's face it, some women do come here and their spouse never files for their work permit or allow them to work. These people she's become chummy with have probably seen that happen and their brains automatically goes to that possibility. I think this was just a perfect storm of too many factors combining.

Regardless of what happens, at some point you will get the chance to talk to her face-to-face. Be prepared. In addition, I would leave messages with anyone I could to convince her of what you've realized and are ready to change. Tell her sister, her family, your pastor, anyone she might contact. Leave messages giving exact details and dates on her e-mail, yahoo etc. You need a specific plan, not just "oh, I'll change". After that though, I'd leave it. The ball is in her court now and doing too much is over-kill.

I do think meeting with the lawyer is a good idea. Regardless of what you put in, you don't know where her head is at and she may not be willing to come back to the marriage. You need to be prepared to protect you and your children. Keep all evidence that there was no abuse at hand. I hope and pray that this period in your life will come to an end soon and give all of you peace. Let's hope it comes to an end by your wife coming home! Good luck!!!

Edited November 20, 2008 by msu17

[msu17 0]

Your and your wife's story moved me to tears. My heart goes out to her who is my countrywoman , to you who has not given up despite the odds and to your children who are once again broken hearted because of her absence.

A lot of the responses make sense, especially the after effects of having a miscarriage. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through especially that she wanted that baby so much. I am 39 years old my husband 46 but I have accepted the fact that I may or may not have a child of our own although I pray everyday that I will get pregnant soon. You can call me desperate but for us, having children of our own is very important.

As what you said, she is a professional and had a job before she left the Philippines. Leaving that job and not able to work here is also very frustrating especially for her who is a known worker. I can relate to her in connection with wanting to work and not just stay at home. I have also worked all my life and leaving my job to relocate was a hard decision. My husband doesn't mind me working but we made an agreement that I won't work until after a year of our marriage so we can truly spend time together 24/7 for a year. I am better situated though because I travel with my husband so I am not left at home by myself. I have been attending school the last 3 weeks for a refresher course so travelling with him was no longer an option but I have school to think about and in a way I am not bored at home. Not being able to be with him 24/7 was a complete change but we are adjusting well with the new situation and I am looking forward to work by the start of next year.

I believe all her " issues" just came down bearing on her at one time so she took off. No AOS/EAD for her to find work, issues with your mother , taking care of the children and most especially her being alone in the house because you were busy at work. Believe me, a lot of my friends who just stay home waiting for their husbands to arrive from work don't have much things to do after cleaning the house. Most household chores are finished even before lunch and after that, there is nothing to do. TV and browsing the internet can also be boring after sometime. If she is working, she will feel more important and not useless. I can only imagine how she felt. . . with two masters degree and working, suddenly she is turned into a plain housewife and her only way out to the working world again is filing that AOS but you WONT. She is not working, all alone by herself in the house, her "job" is to take care of you, the kids and the house. . .it may be a life for some women but to your wife its not and this is driving her crazy. . plus she lost her baby.

Dont give up on her because she is not a fraud. Help her bring back her identity. When she returns, file that AOS, find a way to finance it and maybe, just maybe she will feel better knowing that she will be able to do things she is used to and that is working and not just be at home taking care of everybody. You married a professional woman who is used to working and not stay home. This must be very difficult for her.

I pray she will return to you very soon. Yes, you will have to make some changes and priorities. You love her very much I can tell but you have to look deeper and also fulfill her other needs.

Goodluck

You said that so much better than I. Exactly what I was thinking!

[Valsu 1]

It was a big leap of trust to trade her life for life with you in the first place, and she probably feels that her needs, future, and basically her whole life is being put off - and each time it erodes her trust and faith in you and her future with you. Tack on a move, losing a baby (which can be TOUGH to come back from), dealing with your mother <btw, I wouldnt want someone in MY house who secretly records my conversations either, but wait, its YOUR house right?> and I'm sorry to say you AND your mommy AND your pastor also come off as a little overbearing as well (you actually know EXACTLY how much cash your wife has? who the hell has the time to keep up with that?) - where does that leave your wife? Stuck waiting in line behind everything else?

She cooks, cleans for your kids and mommy (until she stopped cleaning for mommy as "punishment"?), helps take care of the kids, wants a baby of her own - sounds like she came into this marriage in good faith. Putting her and her life off because "this or that happened to ME or MY kids needed this or MY mommy needed that" essentially made her little more than a servant to the needs of you, your mommy, and your family.

My wife is from south asia as well. I have 2 (they're not exactly bad, just reeeely active) kids. If they need something, I do it or I pay to have it done. It's my responsibility to take care of those kids, not my wife's. Our entire household, when my wife arrived, was centered around driving school, drivers license, EAD, AOS, and getting my wife out into the community as quickly as possible. There is a LOT of value to being able to just drive to the store or bank or get coffee whenever you want to. My wife shared that she felt pretty helpless here at first (no buses, taxis, vijays, lol like at home) and there was some appreciation at making getting her out and independent a priority.

You put your wife in a situation where she felt trapped, and she bolted. Had you tried that with a local girl (stay home all day, no working, no driving, take care of my mom and kids, and i'll get to your needs at some future distant time) then said local girl would have bolted also.

I agree, and that is why I am here. I have realized a majority of these things through this experience. In my mother's defense, though, she only recorded my wife that one time because of how she was repeatedly being treated. I was constantly after my mother because my wife kept complaining on her. The recording showed that my wife was not telling the truth about the situations she kept bringing to me. As for my pastor, he hasn't had any bearing in this situation. He's only been trying to show me support and offer advice once all of these things took place

I only know how much cash my wife had, because she showed me the inside of her purse right before she left. Why is that relevant at all? She has access to all of our finances since she's on our checking account and all cards. That's certainly not a big deal.

Nonetheless, I agree with your points, and I wish I was as good a husband as you are.

[Valsu 1]

I'm going to add something that may sound kind of heartless. I know you love your children and I'm sure they're wonderful. But as a highly-educated career woman who doesn't particularly relish spending a lot of time with other people's children (as an aside I'm undecided about whether I want to have children of my own although I think -- and many other women who have been in the same situation have confirmed this -- things might be different when they're yours), I would positively go crazy if I moved all the way across the world, only to find that my husband drags his feet getting my work papers in order and expects me to use my first few months here to warm up to his children and take care of them, however little he seems to be asking from his perspective. I'm not saying she shouldn't try to build up a relationship with your children. I'm saying they are YOUR children, not HERS (and her problems with getting pregnant probably make this all the more painful to her) and things might have worked better had she been able to build a relationship with them from a place where she is out of the house most of the day just like you are, having her own things, doing work where she can put her education and intelligence to use or at least where there is some chance of being able to do that down the road, learning about working in the US, and contributing financially. Of course she is exaggerating when she refers to herself as being a "slave" but I can relate somewhat to that feeling as she is basically being pushed in the role of the one who takes care of the children and the home and to her this probably feels like violence to her personality. And you working exceptionally long days makes this role patron worse-- if you're working these kinds of hours YOU haven't been contributing enough to your home and family life.

Your children and your mom are strangers to your wife, from a different culture-- and your mom probably thinks your wife landed the best deal ever with you (because that's how all moms feel about their sons) and I'm sure feels protective of her grandchildren who have gone through a rough time. I don't know how old your children are but in my experience young children perfectly understand it when you're not their parent and it's very difficult for a non-parent to set limits-- and probably more so when you're "daddy's new wife" who needs to build a lasting relationship with the children than when you're a nanny who has a more professional relationship with the family. In sum, the people with whom she spent most of her time were probably the least capable of understanding your wife's adjustment problems. It sounds to me like she was extremely isolated, only spent time with the people who are the closest to you and therefore probably not entirely receptive to her problems, and instead of being able to find her own way in this country by working, meeting other people through her professional life, maybe engaging in a community activity that's something she really loves doing and that allows her to build a bit of a life separate of yours, she was expected to make it a priority to build a relationship with your children and to cook for your church.

You sound like a great guy and you clearly love your wife, but I think you may have underestimated how hard this adjustment has been and how offensive it may have been to her that you didn't make it your first priority to help her get started in this country by applying for EAD and AP right away (especially seeing how you managed to "find" the sums for private school and other emergencies). Yes it's a lot of money but it sounds like you could have made it work if you really wanted to, and once she starts working it's earned back in no time.

I very much hope she will come back to you. If she does, please do everything you can to give her a good "re-start"-- at least help her find work, start looking into another solution for your mom, and do not make it your wife's primary responsibility to take care of your children (you managed before she moved to the US!). Also, and I think this is very important: Try to find someone she can talk to, either a psychologist or a social worker or a religious person, but it has to be someone who has NO ties to you. You're American and probably very sociable (and had your work connections to get you started); even though your town is new to you too, it is clear that you've been able to make connections and build a life for yourself in a pretty short time. It is important for her to be able to talk to someone who is not connected to you, who will not report back to you, to whom she can say how she really feels about her situation, the kids, your family, without fearing that what she says will reach you. As you recognize, sometimes we all need to vent and say things that we don't necessarily mean but just want to get off our chests and it's essential for her to be able to do that without being afraid to complicate her relationship with you and your family.

Best of luck. I hope we'll get to see a happy update one day.

Wow, I found this advice astonishing. Thank you so much for this post. I will be incorporating many of these ideas into our marriage. I feel thoroughly enlightened about many things I never even thought of previously.

I'm so thankful for all of you!

[Valsu 1]

I know there were stories like that and I still ask why there are mothers who abandon their children. But she won't be this emotional if this child is for "greencard purpose" only. I just want to answer the question that I don't think she married you for greencard. She loves you and reading from your post, I know you are a good man and you love her. So I hope she comes back to you so you will have the chance to save your marriage.

About the fertility, you don't go through intensive fetility test right away. I went through fertility procedures after a year of not getting pregnant. First, the doctor requested for transvaginal ultrasound, I have polycystic ovaries. But before recommending any procedures, the doctor also had to check the husband, which is sperm count. But anyway, there are different stages and not all fertility procedures mean the expensive one like "invitro". Your wife probably wanted to start with the fertility procedures right away because sometimes even if you have the money, the problem is the age of the woman. So its also important to know right away before its too late.

And another thing, I had a miscarriage before. I was supposed to have twins but the other twin died on the fourth week. I thought I was going crazy. I cried for a long time, I think for like 3 months. It was so hard, I can't even find the right words to explain it. It was a good thing my parents and my sisters were there. But that time, I hated and resented my ex husband because I felt like he didn't care. I know how your wife felt but what made it worse was her parents or her own family were not there. She relied on you but you were working long hours. She had the reasons to feel alone. So fighting and provoking you was her way to get your attention.

Yes, I have concluded that she's not trying to commit fraud. After listening to everyone here, I've been made aware of other issues involved that I never even thought about prior.

I didn't know much about fertility, so I just assumed it would cost more thousands of dollars that we don't have--prolonging other things even further.

Nonethless, I have my priorities straight now, and I just want her home so I can show her that.

[Valsu 1]

Your and your wife's story moved me to tears. My heart goes out to her who is my countrywoman , to you who has not given up despite the odds and to your children who are once again broken hearted because of her absence.

A lot of the responses make sense, especially the after effects of having a miscarriage. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through especially that she wanted that baby so much. I am 39 years old my husband 46 but I have accepted the fact that I may or may not have a child of our own although I pray everyday that I will get pregnant soon. You can call me desperate but for us, having children of our own is very important.

As what you said, she is a professional and had a job before she left the Philippines. Leaving that job and not able to work here is also very frustrating especially for her who is a known worker. I can relate to her in connection with wanting to work and not just stay at home. I have also worked all my life and leaving my job to relocate was a hard decision. My husband doesn't mind me working but we made an agreement that I won't work until after a year of our marriage so we can truly spend time together 24/7 for a year. I am better situated though because I travel with my husband so I am not left at home by myself. I have been attending school the last 3 weeks for a refresher course so travelling with him was no longer an option but I have school to think about and in a way I am not bored at home. Not being able to be with him 24/7 was a complete change but we are adjusting well with the new situation and I am looking forward to work by the start of next year.

I believe all her " issues" just came down bearing on her at one time so she took off. No AOS/EAD for her to find work, issues with your mother , taking care of the children and most especially her being alone in the house because you were busy at work. Believe me, a lot of my friends who just stay home waiting for their husbands to arrive from work don't have much things to do after cleaning the house. Most household chores are finished even before lunch and after that, there is nothing to do. TV and browsing the internet can also be boring after sometime. If she is working, she will feel more important and not useless. I can only imagine how she felt. . . with two masters degree and working, suddenly she is turned into a plain housewife and her only way out to the working world again is filing that AOS but you WONT. She is not working, all alone by herself in the house, her "job" is to take care of you, the kids and the house. . .it may be a life for some women but to your wife its not and this is driving her crazy. . plus she lost her baby.

Dont give up on her because she is not a fraud. Help her bring back her identity. When she returns, file that AOS, find a way to finance it and maybe, just maybe she will feel better knowing that she will be able to do things she is used to and that is working and not just be at home taking care of everybody. You married a professional woman who is used to working and not stay home. This must be very difficult for her.

I pray she will return to you very soon. Yes, you will have to make some changes and priorities. You love her very much I can tell but you have to look deeper and also fulfill her other needs.

Goodluck

Thank you for the insight. Everything really makes sense once it is laid out by different people. I really appreciate the time each of you are taking to clearly represent how she might be feeling.

I was very confused before, but now things are so much more clear.