True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[Valsu 1]

himher, I get what you are saying, but sometimes people genuinely cannot afford to file AOS immediately. In our case, we couldn't for 5 months, so I was stuck at home, out of status and doing the housework. I couldn't get a DL until I'd been stuck at home for 9 months. Yes, it sucked. Does that mean my husband was abusing me? No, we just had no money, though circumstances entirely not the fault of my husband. Unfortunately some people don't have the luxury of being able to do it right away. If I had been offered a trade like clean at my stepkid's school to save money to pay for AOS, I would've jumped at it. From my impression of the OP, if he had had the money, they would've filed already and probably avoided many of their problems. There is a difference between being unwilling to pay and unable to pay.

Precisely. I thought she would "jump" at the idea also, just due to how bored she claimed she was. So of course I took the natural heart and assumed at the time she was being unreasonable by showing disinterest. The truth was she was afraid that physical work was going to cause her to have another miscarriage, and she did not want to risk that a second time after the first one. I really wish she'd told me the truth of how she felt, but I'm guessing she didn't think I would understand. That is how I failed her--I must not have been approachable, and I hope never to put her in that position again.

Edited November 26, 2008 by Valsu

[Valsu 1]

I've payed attention to what you've written and it boils down to "I didn't forcer her..." and "I neglected...." amount, in straight talk to excuses and abuse. If it makes you feel better to rationalize this way, that's up to you. If you want to "get better" (you...and your relationship if given the opportunity) you'll dump the rationalization and man up.

You didn't force her but you didn't provide an alternative. She felt obligated to chose. The result of your "neglect" was an abused person. Your wife was provided a life far different from what she had any reason to expect. I wish you good fortune and hope you'll do the smart things to take advantage of any good fortune that comes your way in this regard.

Now this I will agree with. Early on I explained that it became apparent to me that I was being rational and logical about everything, rather than meeting her emotional and psychological needs. I just didn't think about things like when not taking the time to focus on them, and now that she's taken space away, I've been able to stop and analyze the things I was missing.

I've already chose to dump the rational and logical, and re-prioritize everything--beyond last week. I've said it a dozen times, and have already done so in person on my end. Now, the ball is in her court, and it's a waiting game to see the outcome.

Thank you for the good wishes.

[DARUMA07 25]

At this point, it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong.... The mistakes have been made..... I wish the best for you and your family. Hopefully time will heal this situation.

[pushbrk 12,119]

I've payed attention to what you've written and it boils down to "I didn't forcer her..." and "I neglected...." amount, in straight talk to excuses and abuse. If it makes you feel better to rationalize this way, that's up to you. If you want to "get better" (you...and your relationship if given the opportunity) you'll dump the rationalization and man up.

You didn't force her but you didn't provide an alternative. She felt obligated to chose. The result of your "neglect" was an abused person. Your wife was provided a life far different from what she had any reason to expect. I wish you good fortune and hope you'll do the smart things to take advantage of any good fortune that comes your way in this regard.

Now this I will agree with. Early on I explained that it became apparent to me that I was being rational and logical about everything, rather than meeting her emotional and psychological needs. I just didn't think about things like when not taking the time to focus on them, and now that she's taken space away, I've been able to stop and analyze the things I was missing.

I've already chose to dump the rational and logical, and re-prioritize everything--beyond last week. I've said it a dozen times, and have already done so in person on my end. Now, the ball is in her court, and it's a waiting game to see the outcome.

Thank you for the good wishes.

Yet, today in the post to which I was responding I read your words, "I didn't force her...etc." That was my point. That's an excuse. You didn't give her an alternative so she felt obligated to do what you say you didn't force her to do. The combination of your actions resulted in an abused wife. So, stop with the "I didn't force her" and "I neglected" and replace them with things like, "I behaved like an idiot." etc.

If you're smart, you'll get those AOS papers completed along with all the supporting documentation and the check, mark them for her signature and drop them off for her with a letter of apology that includes words, like "I'm sorry I behaved like an idiot" etc. Forget about not having the money. Find a way, just like you found a way to get her to your home to cook, clean, care for your kids, care for your mother and the congugal stuff. Get it?

Edited November 26, 2008 by pushbrk

[daboyz 36]

I've payed attention to what you've written and it boils down to "I didn't forcer her..." and "I neglected...." amount, in straight talk to excuses and abuse. If it makes you feel better to rationalize this way, that's up to you. If you want to "get better" (you...and your relationship if given the opportunity) you'll dump the rationalization and man up.

You didn't force her but you didn't provide an alternative. She felt obligated to chose. The result of your "neglect" was an abused person. Your wife was provided a life far different from what she had any reason to expect. I wish you good fortune and hope you'll do the smart things to take advantage of any good fortune that comes your way in this regard.

Now this I will agree with. Early on I explained that it became apparent to me that I was being rational and logical about everything, rather than meeting her emotional and psychological needs. I just didn't think about things like when not taking the time to focus on them, and now that she's taken space away, I've been able to stop and analyze the things I was missing.

I've already chose to dump the rational and logical, and re-prioritize everything--beyond last week. I've said it a dozen times, and have already done so in person on my end. Now, the ball is in her court, and it's a waiting game to see the outcome.

Thank you for the good wishes.

Yet, today in the post to which I was responding I read your words, "I didn't force her...etc." That was my point. That's an excuse. You didn't give her an alternative so she felt obligated to do what you say you didn't force her to do. The combination of your actions resulted in an abused wife. So, stop with the "I didn't force her" and "I neglected" and replace them with things like, "I behaved like an idiot." etc.

If you're smart, you'll get those AOS papers completed along with all the supporting documentation and the check, mark them for her signature and drop them off for her with a letter of apology that includes words, like "I'm sorry I behaved like an idiot" etc. Forget about not having the money. Find a way, just like you found a way to get her to your home to cook, clean, care for your kids, care for your mother and the congugal stuff. Get it?

[mommymeow 0]

I've payed attention to what you've written and it boils down to "I didn't forcer her..." and "I neglected...." amount, in straight talk to excuses and abuse. If it makes you feel better to rationalize this way, that's up to you. If you want to "get better" (you...and your relationship if given the opportunity) you'll dump the rationalization and man up.

You didn't force her but you didn't provide an alternative. She felt obligated to chose. The result of your "neglect" was an abused person. Your wife was provided a life far different from what she had any reason to expect. I wish you good fortune and hope you'll do the smart things to take advantage of any good fortune that comes your way in this regard.

Now this I will agree with. Early on I explained that it became apparent to me that I was being rational and logical about everything, rather than meeting her emotional and psychological needs. I just didn't think about things like when not taking the time to focus on them, and now that she's taken space away, I've been able to stop and analyze the things I was missing.

I've already chose to dump the rational and logical, and re-prioritize everything--beyond last week. I've said it a dozen times, and have already done so in person on my end. Now, the ball is in her court, and it's a waiting game to see the outcome.

Thank you for the good wishes.

Yet, today in the post to which I was responding I read your words, "I didn't force her...etc." That was my point. That's an excuse. You didn't give her an alternative so she felt obligated to do what you say you didn't force her to do. The combination of your actions resulted in an abused wife. So, stop with the "I didn't force her" and "I neglected" and replace them with things like, "I behaved like an idiot." etc.

If you're smart, you'll get those AOS papers completed along with all the supporting documentation and the check, mark them for her signature and drop them off for her with a letter of apology that includes words, like "I'm sorry I behaved like an idiot" etc. Forget about not having the money. Find a way, just like you found a way to get her to your home to cook, clean, care for your kids, care for your mother and the congugal stuff. Get it?

Very well said

[nycgirl 13]

I didn't misquote anything, I just didn't bother writing the whole chapter. I only pulled out the verses that were dealing with that one situation. The principle of leaving father and mother did not apply to us, as that was initially a joint decision between both of us, and was primarily her idea. I wasn't lavishing on the money I spent on her. People asked me and challenged me, so I just broke it down for informative purposes. I don't care about that money, and if I did, I wouldn't have spent it. I trusted and believed that she would start a career once she got here--that was her goal--and that's why I took the financial risks. Perhaps silly on my part for someone I only knew a couple years, but love will cause you to do silly things.

As for my spending in the Philippines, she's the one who made our travel plans, hotel arrangements, and everything. I always kept her aware of my limitations. She had access to my bank accounts quite early on, and knew our budget and finances. I never hid anything from her financially.

As for the miscarriage and infertility, I see that as the primary problem altogether. Thankfully, with VJ members and their bright intuitivenesses, we've been able to uncover most of the mysteries underlying her thoughts and internal sufferings. I appreciate everyone's responses. I hope to report a happy ending to this cycle, and a new begining soon.

You thought she would start a career?? Using just her good looks? Ummmmmm, she didn't have her papers, remember?? Dude, your story is really getting unbelievable.

Honestly, as entertaining as it is, I think that this thread has run its course of usefulness for you. All you do is come on here and defend your crazy actions. There's not really any useful information coming your way. By why do you keep coming back? To defend your actions and prove that you are right. You are obsessive (goes hand in hand with your stalker-ish manipulative controlling personality). Or you LOVE the drama. Can this thread seriously be helping you?

[Valsu 1]

Yet, today in the post to which I was responding I read your words, "I didn't force her...etc." That was my point. That's an excuse. You didn't give her an alternative so she felt obligated to do what you say you didn't force her to do. The combination of your actions resulted in an abused wife. So, stop with the "I didn't force her" and "I neglected" and replace them with things like, "I behaved like an idiot." etc.

If you're smart, you'll get those AOS papers completed along with all the supporting documentation and the check, mark them for her signature and drop them off for her with a letter of apology that includes words, like "I'm sorry I behaved like an idiot" etc. Forget about not having the money. Find a way, just like you found a way to get her to your home to cook, clean, care for your kids, care for your mother and the congugal stuff. Get it?

Look, taking bits and pieces of what I write out of context doesn't prove or achieve any purpose, nor does it give you liberty to just brand me as an "idiot"--as justified as you may feel you are.

Incapability and oversights are not idiocies (stupidities). I don't mind criticism or opinions, but call it what it is at least. I know I was wrong about a lot of things, and I've beaten myself up pretty well over everything--of course I'm sorry for the whole situation. I've already taken every step to correct myself. That doesn't change the fact that the next step is in the hands of my wife.

Of course, you will say, "I didn't call you an idiot; I said you behaved like one." Nonetheless, it's no different than the indirect "abuse" you keep categorizing that I "forcebly" issued against my wife. According to you, indirect insinuations are direct perpetrations.

As I said days ago, the AOS/EAD is already done. Just awaits her signature. SO, why do you keep bringing that up? You're only repeating things that have been previously discussed and resolved already.

[Romabell 6]

Yet, today in the post to which I was responding I read your words, "I didn't force her...etc." That was my point. That's an excuse. You didn't give her an alternative so she felt obligated to do what you say you didn't force her to do. The combination of your actions resulted in an abused wife. So, stop with the "I didn't force her" and "I neglected" and replace them with things like, "I behaved like an idiot." etc.

If you're smart, you'll get those AOS papers completed along with all the supporting documentation and the check, mark them for her signature and drop them off for her with a letter of apology that includes words, like "I'm sorry I behaved like an idiot" etc. Forget about not having the money. Find a way, just like you found a way to get her to your home to cook, clean, care for your kids, care for your mother and the congugal stuff. Get it?

About the AOS papers.........I think he is afraid of I-864.

[William33 110]

Yet, today in the post to which I was responding I read your words, "I didn't force her...etc." That was my point. That's an excuse. You didn't give her an alternative so she felt obligated to do what you say you didn't force her to do. The combination of your actions resulted in an abused wife. So, stop with the "I didn't force her" and "I neglected" and replace them with things like, "I behaved like an idiot." etc.

If you're smart, you'll get those AOS papers completed along with all the supporting documentation and the check, mark them for her signature and drop them off for her with a letter of apology that includes words, like "I'm sorry I behaved like an idiot" etc. Forget about not having the money. Find a way, just like you found a way to get her to your home to cook, clean, care for your kids, care for your mother and the congugal stuff. Get it?

Look, taking bits and pieces of what I write out of context doesn't prove or achieve any purpose, nor does it give you liberty to just brand me as an "idiot"--as justified as you may feel you are.

Incapability and oversights are not idiocies (stupidities). I don't mind criticism or opinions, but call it what it is at least. I know I was wrong about a lot of things, and I've beaten myself up pretty well over everything--of course I'm sorry for the whole situation. I've already taken every step to correct myself. That doesn't change the fact that the next step is in the hands of my wife.

Of course, you will say, "I didn't call you an idiot; I said you behaved like one." Nonetheless, it's no different than the indirect "abuse" you keep categorizing that I "forcebly" issued against my wife. According to you, indirect insinuations are direct perpetrations.

As I said days ago, the AOS/EAD is already done. Just awaits her signature. SO, why do you keep bringing that up? You're only repeating things that have been previously discussed and resolved already.

Enough said here. In my opinion as a Moderator, this thread has reached it's useful end. OP (original poster), are you willing to let this thread be closed, or are there more objectives you need resolved?

Please advise. A PM to the Mod team will expedite your intentions. Regards.

[Valsu 1]

You thought she would start a career?? Using just her good looks? Ummmmmm, she didn't have her papers, remember?? Dude, your story is really getting unbelievable.

Yes, of course. That was the goal, and a lot of things stood in our way and hindered the process. When you're broke, you're broke. If I could have afforded her papers, I would have gotten them right away so she could go to work. Do you honestly think I would be against another household income? You're entitled to believe anything you want to believe.

Honestly, as entertaining as it is, I think that this thread has run its course of usefulness for you. All you do is come on here and defend your crazy actions. There's not really any useful information coming your way. By why do you keep coming back? To defend your actions and prove that you are right. You are obsessive (goes hand in hand with your stalker-ish manipulative controlling personality). Or you LOVE the drama. Can this thread seriously be helping you?

Answering people's questions and responding as honestly as possible to every reply is not defending my actions, or proving who is right or wrong. I even threw my actions on the table and openly expressed how wrong they were. Don't worry, I'm not here to make anyone happy. I'm here for advice, and I have indeed received it thanks to some amazing VJers.

Also, there has been plenty of useful information coming my way, and I make it a point to respond to each person. If they cared enough to take the time to respond to this thread, they deserve my feedback.

Are you seriously refering to someone posting on the forums as obsessive, stalking, controlling and manipulative? What is the difference in others posting once in 25 different topics, and me posting in just one topic 25 times? It's because right now this is the only topic I care about. If I wasn't concerned about this, I would just be on my main account posting in other topics like normal.

I will agree with William, and just recommend this thread close down, and I will start a new one if and when my wife returns home.

My questions have all been answered, and I thank each and every VJer who made a strong analysis of our challenging situation, and has offered constructive criticism and advice throughout the course of the past couple of weeks.

I hope and pray that I can deliver good news to you all in the nearest future!

Pray for us, and may God bless each of you.

(Further communication may continue in Private Messages. Thanks.)

Edited November 26, 2008 by Valsu

[William33 110]

Closed at the request of the OP, Valsu.