Dealing with negative people

[WickedGriffin 1]

Hi all.

I am the beneficiary moving to the US, Arizona, on a K1 Visa. I need and I seriously feel the need to vent here as I have dealt with too many NEGATIVE people.

Okay, lets start with my own friends here in Germany: As soon as they knew I am going through a K1 Visa process with my Fiance, they changed their behavior. 2 people broke up contact with me. Ive never heard of them again. They were, at the beginning, so "supportive and interested" in my relationship to a US Citizen. But behind our backs, they were insulting and attacking us. I am from Germany - Bavaria - traditional country.

They have called me a traitor, betrayer (betraying them for going to the US), they have called me stupid, dumb, etc. Behind our backs on of these persons started to spread BS about "America" and "Americans" as a whole. That America is such a bad horrible country. At fault for all the misery going on in the whole world. That americans are.... you name it!

Okay, my family?

My Mother and my Dad are making MONEY BETS that "our marriage is not going to work out", because they think that "I ll never make it in the US, life is too hard, homeless people everywhere, masshootings". Thats how they picture America. I have no one to support me over here.

My friends in Bavaria turned their backs on me! Hardly anyone is talking to me anymore! I am serious!! Maybe 2 - 3 people, the rest seems always to "know it all better", to tell me "that I must stay in Germany, because USA is so horrible, bad", they make it all look bad, they also make ME and my Fiance look bad. Ive had phone calls where I pick up the phone and the other guys are just insulting me for moving to the US. Well, basiscally saying: Are you ###### up or stupid, man?! ...

I dont know if its the german, especially Bavarian Mentality. But everyone is bitching about the USA, complaining, that me moving there is horrible, that I will suffer in the States, that life there is extremely nasty and bad, that I am not going to make it, etc. etc. etc!

I know a few americans also, of course, besides my Fiance and her family. And them? Well, lets put it that way: They are SO FULL of conspiracy theories that its HARD to talk to them about America and LIFE in America without stuff like "the cops are ###### everyone up!!!" "its all the governments fault!!!" "yes they are turning it all against us".

They make ME also feel as if moving to the States is like spending time in Prison together with my Fiance ! Ive heard stuff, nasty stuff, my god people, yall would be either angry or embarrassed, too.

Short: My "Social Environment" is not supporting me mentally or emotionally. At all. Not a tiny little bit. The amount of negativity that people throw at me is overwhelming. Even the americans in my life seem to , driven my FEAR and more FEAR, sorry guys, but the conspiarcy theory bullshit that Ive heard from them over the time is unbelieveable...

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING WRONG, People ?!?!

What am I supposed to do?

I feel like not talking to anyone anymore. I am so fed up, seriously. Did you go throug similiar things?

[sandra68 10]

Hang in there! if you feel that you are doing the right thing, that is the right thing.

True friends do not judge you and will respect any decision you make.

Throughout the years I have lived in different countries and the few friends and family members that did not judge me, supported me and came to see me.

It is a hard time, confusing time when the 'big step'is in sight, but it will be worth it. We are leaving within a few months, and although our house is waiting for us, my young boys are already us citizens, and I have been there numerous times, it still gives me a scary feeling sometimes.

It goes with the process, we are making a major step!

good luck! :-)

[Emanettes 11]

Remember that they are not the people you are going to marry. It is your fiance.. You and him should stick together. So what if people talk behind your back, if they left you, if they are betting, or whatever. DO NOT MIND THEM. Live your life and be happy with the guy you love.

I experienced the same things. I just ignore them.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Emanettes

[Lilay 87]

I'm very sorry that people are inconsiderate and close minded... I can understand how you feel, because I have those kind of people around me, too. As I'm from an Islamic country, most of my friends, family and other people around tell me the same things. "Are you crazy??" "You're going to go to hell for this, marrying a Christian is not what a Muslim should do" etc. Some say because of the cultural difference, our marriage will fail. My grandfather told me he does not accept me anymore because of this.

My parents are supportive, but even their friends put pressure on them by saying "how do you let your daughter to this? You should stop her from doing this!"..

But hearing these from others just makes me love my fiance even more, because I see how ignorant and mean others are, and how they value nationality, religion etc more than personality. To me, my fiance is worth leaving all those people behind. People don't see that love is not something you choose considering their religion, culture, nationality... I think love is about the other person's personality.

I love him the way he is and would never change anything about him. I respect him. And I want people around me to respect him and our desicion. If they don't, then they can continue living their life in their own little dark box without me. I don't need them and they obviously don't need me.

Stop letting others make you sad. Because they always will if you let them. If you think what you're doing is right, go for it

[WickedGriffin 1]

I nearly lost all "friends" here in bavaria due to the visa process and leaving germany. they are a) full of conspiracy theories or b) they really tend to "know it all better", telling me, that i am stupid, an idiot, ending up homeless cause life there is so miserable.

and the number of americans I know, I dont know: "So how is life in the States?" "how do I apply for a job?" - the usual answer ? some conspiracy theory about the government. I dont need a stupid Jesse Ventura Conspiracy Theory Handbook. No immigrant needs that #######. Its inconsiderate as hell. Whats going wrong with these people ?

"They are all after us !!!" "taking all our rights and freedoms away !!!! "they ll and they can invade your home anytime without any reason!!", the typical conspiracy stuff, making life in the states look very bad. is this a commong thing amongst americans ?

I am an immigrant, I need serious advice and of course some positive outlook on my new life in the states would be very fine aswell. but instead I get that bullshit. I dont need any sugercoated stuff, but COME ON, you wanna tell me that that ####### is not exaggaration ? Where is the "I Love the USA" spirit? Where is the optimism and positivity?

Nobody over here believes in me or my relationship. And it really hurts. It makes that whole process so much worse and painful.

[sandra68 10]

The optimism and positivity has to come from you, look around you, and try different outlooks, a glass is half empty, a glass is half full.

There is always people who believe that life is one big conspiracy, maybe it is, maybe it is not.

Sometime we will find out, till then it is about doing what we believe is the right thing to do.

Try to be openminded on your move, try not to compare!

There are good things in Germany, there are good things in the USA. As everywhere, if you want to find a job, you will, may not be your dream job straigth away, but it will be a start, and it will be with your dream person next to you!

Things can always be better, but they can also be a lot worse!

good luck!

[WickedGriffin 1]

Thank you very much!

[twofors 30]

We have had the same experience in terms of negativity. As the USC trying to bring my fiancé to the USA I was shocked! Most people reacted so badly that I felt as those they felt I was committing some heinous crime. I know my fiancé has gone through similar issues with his friends and family. I have known my fiancé almost 8 years. It was a challenge for us in many ways. But we simply made a commitment to each other and decided to move on with our lives together. We are in the interview stage at the US Embassy waiting for an appointment date. And at this point found the support of new friends and changed the minds of some of the others. Fortunately my family has met my fiancé and truly likes him. They feel much more confident in our relationship and are comfortable talking to him through messaging, Skype, and phone conversations. I feel that people are now less concerned for our decision to be together then they are about the government process. They worry for My fiancé as he is getting ready for the interview and hope the Embassy grants the Visa. Some people will always be negative and will always find reasons for you not to come. This decision is not for the faint of heart as the process is terribly slow and agonizing. But if you truly love your fiancée then who cares what others think? Be matter of fact and start forming alliances with supportive people.

[Tuscadero 6]

People fear what they do not know. That's true in Bavaria, or in Arizona, maybe especially in Arizona! My fiancé is from the UK, and there are a few people in my life who think it's ok to make jokes, "if he was from Mexico you wouldn't have to go through all this, he could just walk over the border like the rest of them." Hey, guess what? My engagement is not an opportunity for you to proudly display your ignorance!

Perhaps now would be a good time for you to learn a little "Southern grace," U.S. style. The next time someone says something hurtful or stupid, you just smile as sweetly as you know how, and say, "well, bless your heart," (or the German equivalent.) In Savannah, GA, where I went to school, that's Southern for "go $* yourself," and when done properly, it can make you feel a whole lot better. Best of luck!

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I can't speak to the Bavarians, but I would not be friends with people who want to talk about conspiracy theories all day. There is an undercurrent of this in the US, but it is not common. It might be more common in Arizona; the politics there are pretty messed up lately, imo. If you want to talk about the US in a more positive light, there are plenty on here, me included, with ideas and advice. Feel free to PM.

[kehills 217]

My husband experienced similar. People started sending him all the stories about shootings, etc, trying to make him promise not to move to the US, talk him into having me move to Australia, and other charming things. Many of his friends were exceedingly negative about our relationship, as well, and some members of his family were so unsupportive, we only invited his father to our wedding.

For some people, the idea of someone leaving home and moving away from friends/family is just anathema to their idea of life.

[michela21413 7]

When you wake and sleep you have something called free will, I pray you accept the fact of these people that once was there for you fast and try to overcome it because you have a future that YOU PLANNED . Your parents can't deter you from the chances you want to take.... I rather you say I DID, than WHAT IF I DID?

GOOD LUCK???????

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

I'm sorry that your friends and family acted like that, with friends like that who needs enemies?! It may well be jealousy at your relationship success and new life in a foreign country.

It's worth noting that a lot of people who have never visited the US have a lot of preconceptions about it, and some of them are funny, strange or even offensive. I had people (not friends luckily) tell me I'd be obese within a year because "everyone is fat", that I'd get shot if I opened my mouth because of my liberal views and that every woman would want to sleep with me because of my British accent. It's all BS and you should take it with a pinch of salt, especially if the person the views are emanating from has never left their own country.

As for the people in the US with the conspiracy theories, it's probably best not to associate with them too much! As others have said it might be an Arizona thing, I believe they have some crazy sheriffs and politicians. Most Americans are not like that!

If you want some positive vibes about life in the US from someone who has been to the country a lot and has just moved there then feel free to PM me, don't let poisonous people scare you out of being with the person you love.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Hotter Otter

[Dave&Roza 748]

TRUE friends stick by you thru thick and thin. They may state their objections to a decision you make, but allow you to explain yourself and understand why you are making that decision. Unfortunately you do not get to choose your family. My Mother even asked, "Why can't you find a good American Woman?" Of course this is the same woman that did not like any of the women I dated. At least she accepted my wife "as long as I am happy."

I have three TRUE friends and would not trade them for anything. All others are just friends. I have had those that are interested and think it is neat that I have a foreign wife to those that think I am totally crazy. I bet it is the same no matter who I married. I am sorry I cannot give you the foreign spouse's take on this, but know that the USC also has to deal with the same ignorance of people and I think that is what it is--ignorance or maybe jealousy.

Keep the good friends and throw the others back into the "sea" and do not let it bother you too much.

Good luck and hang in there,

Dave

[sachin1 42]

Many years back I heard same story many time over.

Let me tell you. USA is best country in earth to live.

I love it here and will not want to go back.