Oh God I need advice

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

If it had been a simple case of an unsolicited e-mail well we get 100's of them a month, but I dont think a photo of my husband masturbating attached to the reply can be anything other that what it is. even if it had just been that it would not of been too bad, I could have put it down to the shock factor, but when he requested a certain pose she obliged and sent it too him. That in my book make it 100 x worse.

Well I printed out the photos and the emails and when I got home I laid it on the table along with his dinner and told him I had no wish to discuss the contents of the file until he could tell me the truth and come clean about what has been going on. So now I am in the office waiting to see what will happen.

Thank again everyone for your good Ideas and special thanks to OlivianWaleed for sharing your story with me. I know how hard it is to tell anyone stuff like this. That is why I am using a fake user name to post, so I can get the help and advice I need from the good people that I trust here without making it difficult for me to feel comfortable remaining where everyone would know what had happened.

It's worse than I thought. I am very sympathetic indeed.

Without Trust how can there be Love? It is essential to building love.

Let us know how it goes. We are here for you.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

The guy must be pretty careless to leave his account password saved with that sort of evidence in play. It's like he wants to be caught.

I've read that when a cheater over comes their inital guilt they become comfortable with their actions and belief in that thier SO trusts them completely and that they are in oblivion to the cheating even though there are signs. It ofter takes a direct slap in the face for the SO to know. When the cheater becomes comfortable they do become careless because their belief is they won't get caught.

I don't believe it was his intention to get caught if it has progressed this far.

Now that he has been caught he is in a world of real hurt. He's faced with the severe consequences of his actions. Not only does he have to deal with the shame and guilt resurfacing, but the lose of his wife and his marriage, the lose of his citizenship and everything they have built over the past several years.

[Peggy 1]

I would not be able to trust him ever again, but that is just MO.

[BabyBouncer 0]

Well here what happened. after I left the file on the table I went to the office and for the next 2 hours I sat at my computer and tidied up my hard drives (job I hate doing), I could hear him moving about downstairs but he never came near the office. I was just thinking about going to bed to see if I could sleep when he appeared in the doorway. He said he was ready to talk if I still wanted to. I told him to sid down as I had a few things to say to him before he said one word. I told him that the outcome of our marriage depended on what he was about to tell me and if I thought for one second that he was being anything but 100% truthful then our marriage was over from that moment.

He started by saying that he was sorry even though he know that sorry was not good enough. He told me that he is a fool and allowed his sexual ego to rule his head and he wishes he could turn the clock back. He said he was very flattered when a young woman appeared to be very interested in him and he had not intended for it to get this far, and he had convinced himself that as long as there was no physical contact then it was not really cheating! At this point I almost lost it. I yelled at him that to get sexually aroused and to share that with another woman whether she was in the same room or 1000 miles away made no diffrence to me it is cheating.. He said he could see my point. I then asked him what he would do if it had been me that had done what he has done, he said he would be very hurt and angry. He addmitted that he has no excusses to give me and he knows that he has destroyed the trust I once had for him and he only had himself to blame for the whole mess.

He Asked me if I wanted a divorce or did I want to have some time alone or what did I want him to do? he offered to go to his mothers to live for a while if that was what I wanted. I told him that none of those things would sort the problem out. I had given up so much to be here with him and that the emotional cost had been high, was I ready to walk away from everything I had built up over the last 3 years? only time would tell. I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me and he said that he does. So where do we go from here?

Well I told him that for a start he was to delete his myspace account, his facebook account and his e-mail account and while he was at it he was to delete all the porn that he has on his PC and delete his membership to all the yahoo groups he belonged too and his IM account. He has to call around and find us a counselor to go to and he will need to explain why we are needing their services. He is not to assume that I want or need his attention at this time and he has to understand that I no longer have any trust in him. If I find one scrap of fresh evidence that he has rejoined any of those places on the internet or had any contact with any women then our marriage is over and I will file for divorce and he will have to leave our home.

At that point I left the office and went into the guest room and locked the door. I was shaking so hard I thought I was going to faint. Well I did not sleep at all and I lay and listened to my husband sobbing his heart out in the other room, I so wanted to go and comfort him but I knew that this needed to happen. I dont know what the future hold for us, time will tell, I dont know if I will ever be able to trust him like I did before, but I do know that if I had walked away last night I would have ended my life before the night was over.

Thank you all again for your support the next few days are not going to be easy but with the support that I have got from my friends here I know I will be ok.

Thanks

[*JG* 2]

If you want to blow his mind, why not set up an email account in yahoo or hotmail and send him an email saying my friend showed me your member, it really turns me on, Would you like to see me?

Is it me or is it just a really an inappropriate comment ???

The whole situation is inappropriate in my opinion. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I think this suggestion was not overly rude.

[*JG* 2]

I'm sorry, girl. You are a strong woman and I think you did the right thing. I've always taken the "speak your mind" approach so that he can never say he didn't understand my intentions.

I hope it all works out for you. Be strong.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

You are stronger than I am. My goes out to you.

[maya62 7]

Well I told him that for a start he was to delete his myspace account, his facebook account and his e-mail account and while he was at it he was to delete all the porn that he has on his PC and delete his membership to all the yahoo groups he belonged too and his IM account. He has to call around and find us a counselor to go to and he will need to explain why we are needing their services. He is not to assume that I want or need his attention at this time and he has to understand that I no longer have any trust in him. If I find one scrap of fresh evidence that he has rejoined any of those places on the internet or had any contact with any women then our marriage is over and I will file for divorce and he will have to leave our home.

Wow. You have my utmost admiration. I think your first steps above are more reasonable and fair than I would have the capacity to be, were I in your shoes. You are right imho.... only time will tell. I hope you are able to work this out together. I wish you strength either way.

Maya

PS Regarding the idea of responding to her own husband online, as a stranger, to test his intent: Considering that (although I certainly hope not) this may end up in divorce court, I think the OP would be unwise to participate in this sort of reprehensible behaviour herself. That could be easily twisted into something else by a divorce attorney. In fact, I believe a similar situation was just a topic in OT recently...

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I don't even know you, BB, but I just had to share my HUGE admiration for everything you've done so far to deal with this situation... you have shown incredible grace, and strength, and wisdom, and compassion (which, even when undeserved, is still a wonderful trait), and I don't think anyone could fault your actions at all

I'm glad your husband cried... I hope he's discovering real remorse, for what he's done to YOU, not just what's happened to him... I think there is a future in your marriage, if you want there to be, but above all I hope you find what's best for you, and you can feel satisfied with the situation, however it turns out

massive hugs and all sorts of thumbs up and whatever else I can think of to show my admiration and support... may you find strength to continue in the way you have chosen

[Mrs.J06 4]

He Asked me if I wanted a divorce or did I want to have some time alone or what did I want him to do? he offered to go to his mothers to live for a while if that was what I wanted. I told him that none of those things would sort the problem out. I had given up so much to be here with him and that the emotional cost had been high, was I ready to walk away from everything I had built up over the last 3 years? only time would tell. I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me and he said that he does. So where do we go from here?

First of all, Kudos to you, I admire the way you are handling this.

It sounds like your husband took what you said seriously - like you said, only time will tell if you can regain the trust.

On a side note - hearing about certain situations between spouses here I have often wondered - would we react the same way if we were in our home countries with spouses of the same nationality? Would we be willing to put up with less? In my country with a compatriot of mine this situation would be a find-your-stuff-in-the-front-yard-have-a-nice-life scenario. I know it should make no difference, and yet it does - at least for me.

Goodluck to whatever you decide!

[sarah and hicham 3]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this. To me even him deleting everything on the internet wouldn't be enough. He could still make fake accounts so you wouldn't know about them. Good luck.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Well I told him that for a start he was to delete his myspace account, his facebook account and his e-mail account and while he was at it he was to delete all the porn that he has on his PC and delete his membership to all the yahoo groups he belonged too and his IM account. He has to call around and find us a counselor to go to and he will need to explain why we are needing their services. He is not to assume that I want or need his attention at this time and he has to understand that I no longer have any trust in him. If I find one scrap of fresh evidence that he has rejoined any of those places on the internet or had any contact with any women then our marriage is over and I will file for divorce and he will have to leave our home.

In addition to all that, he needs individual counseling, IMO.

[Jaseball 0]

Not going to defend the guy, but to the OP. You have to take the time and be honest with yourself in how you view your husband.

If you truly view his actions as cheating, then you'll never forget the event and could possibly never forgive as well. If you can't forgive or you feel the relation and trust is so crippled or he has some severe problem and is going to eventually cheat physically, then you should forget the counseling and just get divorced.

Not saying you decide now, but in a few weeks or months you'll know where you stand and can make the right move for your situation.

I personally can't picture myself doing what this guy did, however I've had ex's take similar actions and give ultimatums like the ones listed here. I've learned once a woman goes that route, especially for minor, insecure, or over reacting BS it's better for me to save both our time and break up and walk.

Also, I don't buy the ####### about it is ok to cry in front of your woman, except in situations like death, severe illness, maybe weddings, and in a situation like this where she doesn't know if he is crying for their relationship, for her, or because he feels sorry for himself the woman is going to lose respect.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

You did well, but i'm so sorry you had this to deal with. Best wishes to you!

[Caladan 19]

Not going to defend the guy, but to the OP. You have to take the time and be honest with yourself in how you view your husband.

If you truly view his actions as cheating, then you'll never forget the event and could possibly never forgive as well. If you can't forgive or you feel the relation and trust is so crippled or he has some severe problem and is going to eventually cheat physically, then you should forget the counseling and just get divorced.

Not saying you decide now, but in a few weeks or months you'll know where you stand and can make the right move for your situation.

I personally can't picture myself doing what this guy did, however I've had ex's take similar actions and give ultimatums like the ones listed here. I've learned once a woman goes that route, especially for minor, insecure, or over reacting BS it's better for me to save both our time and break up and walk.

Also, I don't buy the ####### about it is ok to cry in front of your woman, except in situations like death, severe illness, maybe weddings, and in a situation like this where she doesn't know if he is crying for their relationship, for her, or because he feels sorry for himself the woman is going to lose respect.

Because you are not capable of forgiving doesn't mean that she isn't. You seem to generalize a lot about divorce and women and men; we're really not all interchangeable.

BabyBouncer, you are doing exactly the right things. The ball is in his court, and if he wants to win your trust back, he will have to work his little behind off. Best of luck, and so sorry you had to deal with this, but you are demonstrating how strong you are.