Oh God I need advice

[BabyBouncer 0]

Well I am here under an assumed ident. I need to ask fo some advice, here the situation.

Some friends of my husband and I asked us to make and print the some change of address cards. They e-mailed the new address to my husband and he was ment to do them yesterday but forgot. I am meeting them for lunch today so this morning I went into my husbands e-mail account to get the information needed to make and print the cards... I saw an e-mail with the title Nude Photo's well I know I should not have looked at it but I did. Well it was from some woman my husband has been talking with on the internet... he had requested she send some nude photos of herself and he included some nude photos of himself for her. I am devistated, I feel like he has cheated on me, I drove to work in tears and I just dont know what to do? I have not spoken to my husband as he was still asleep when this happened and I left before he was awake... I so just wanted to go into the bedroom and yell at him, punch him, hurt him. Like he has hurt me. We are waiting on the removal of my conditions and yeh like all married couple we have had our fights but we still got through them. I dont know how to handle this I dont know what to say to him. I no longer know if I trust him. I just dont know what to do.

Please someone help me work this out.

[maya62 7]

Wow, that seems to me to be a major betrayal. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I think I would do...

As soon as possible, but when both are somewhat calm and do not have a time limit, talk about it. He has broken trust and needs to earn it back. Ask him to think about how he plans to do that. He'll need to think about it`, so don't expect a coherent (or satisfactory) answer immediately. If, ultimately, you don't get a satisfactory answer, and substantial follow-through, I'd seek the help of a trusted third party (counselor, NOT family member or friend). I'd go even if he didn't. Get help looking at the situation objectively, and what it means for your marriage. Then decide what you want to do from there.

Just $.02...

Maya

PS I did this in my marriage, but for a different reason, and we ended divorcing. The counselor helped me see that was what I wanted. In retrospect, it was an excellent decision, though very hard at the time. The counselor did not push us in either direction, just encouraged us to talk about things that were very difficult, and asked some questions that we probably would never have asked of each other, but were important. I'm not telling you this because I think you will or should get a divorce, just that it really helps to have someone else help you see things from a different perspective.

[Jasman0717 8]

Wow, that seems to me to be a major betrayal.

I agree

[Mags 112]

As soon as possible, but when both are somewhat calm and do not have a time limit, talk about it.

Absolutely. Make sure you are calm and, if it helps, write down the points that you wish to make. When we get caught up in emotional conversations we often forget what we want to say, so writing down the key points you wish to bring up can often help.

I wish you luck and am so sorry to hear about this.

[BabyBouncer 0]

Thank you all for your advice. I am now wondering if he has actually met this woman, or if I am just imagining the worst. I am not angry, in fact I dont feel anything other than hurt and numb. Have I been such a fool to be conned again by a man? I used to have a rule that I would never get married or involved with another man because of things that happened in my past. Now I am wondering if there is any point in trying to be happy, trying to not be alone. may be I should just not be here anymore.

sorry

[ramos96 1]

You need to look at the date of the email and see if it was even recent before you go off half-cocked on him, it could have been an old message.

I agree you need to be calm and have a frank discussion with him.

Exchange of photos is not cheating but pretty close to the line, different people have a different views, you may have just found out a new layer about him.

What you decide to do with this information and how you plan to proceed considering what you both want to happen in the future is quite important, don't lose sight of that.

Sincerely,

Ramos

[BabyBouncer 0]

The first e-mail that I could find to this woman was from April 2007. The last one from her with the photos was recieved yesterday. I do not feel that exchanging naked photos is not cheeting, how can you say its not when my husband is engaging in sexual photography so he can share it with another woman... do you think I am wrong in my thinking? oh I am so confused.

[ramos96 1]

The first e-mail that I could find to this woman was from April 2007. The last one from her with the photos was recieved yesterday. I do not feel that exchanging naked photos is not cheeting, how can you say its not when my husband is engaging in sexual photography so he can share it with another woman... do you think I am wrong in my thinking? oh I am so confused.

Since this is all recent, I agree you need to have a frank discussion with him and discuss your feelings with him. Together you both will figure out whaty is the best course of action, if his decision to continue in his actions are not acceptable you need to for yourself decide what you will do. there is nothing confusing about this.

1. Either you are ok with him not being honest with you or you are not.

2. Either you are ok with him exchanging sexual photgraphy or not.

You should sit down and write out what you don't like and what is not acceptable and discuss it with him. If he is not willing to do this or discuss things with you, I am sorry to say as I'm sure others will also then you will need to make some hard decisions in regards to your situation with him and then plan what you will do next.

Sincerely,

Ramos

[diadromous mermaid 36]

The first e-mail that I could find to this woman was from April 2007. The last one from her with the photos was recieved yesterday. I do not feel that exchanging naked photos is not cheeting, how can you say its not when my husband is engaging in sexual photography so he can share it with another woman... do you think I am wrong in my thinking? oh I am so confused.

Whether you or anyone would consider the exchange of communications and illicit photos as cheating or not, is really not the point. Clandestine behaviour of this or any sort, that if it became known or was uncovered would hurt a partner is not a demonstration of respect for another. I get a sense that in short order you will discover the person you're married to is onion-like. Once you peel away a layer, there's another and another underneath. I'm sorry you are hurting. Whatever you decide to do, be aware and beware.

Edited October 11, 2007 by diadromous mermaid

[sara535 15]

The first e-mail that I could find to this woman was from April 2007. The last one from her with the photos was recieved yesterday. I do not feel that exchanging naked photos is not cheeting, how can you say its not when my husband is engaging in sexual photography so he can share it with another woman... do you think I am wrong in my thinking? oh I am so confused.

I consider it cheating and I would be freaking out too. I dont have much to add except I am really sorry you are faced with this and I wish you strength and wisdom to get through it however you see best....

take care.

[BabyBouncer 0]

Thanks for all for your support... I will need to give it some thought as to how I am going to approch this. I am dreding going home tonight from work as I am not good at hiding my feelings and I dont think I could pretend that nothing has changed. I only wish I had someone here in the US that I could trust to talk things over with, but other than my husbands family I dont know anyone. I do have a councelor at my cancer clinic but I dont know her too well and dont know if she would talk about this sort of stuff, I just dont know how much more I can take, its been a very hard year and I still dont know how many more I have left.

[Mel and Syl 0]

Good Lord i am so sorry to hear about this! I can understand that you are hurt, thats just normal but please try to be calm while talking to your husband. Yelling at each ohter wont help the situation.

I wish you much strengh and all the best.

May God be with you!

[Mel and Syl 0]

Good Lord i am so sorry to hear about this! I can understand that you are hurt, thats just normal but please try to be calm while talking to your husband. Yelling at each ohter wont help the situation.

I wish you much strengh and all the best.

May God be with you!

Good Lord i am so sorry to hear about this! I can understand that you are hurt, thats just normal but please try to be calm while talking to your husband. Yelling at each ohter wont help the situation.

I wish you much strengh and all the best.

May God be with you!

Oops, sorry my computer is messing up

[ramos96 1]

Thanks for all for your support... I will need to give it some thought as to how I am going to approch this. I am dreding going home tonight from work as I am not good at hiding my feelings and I dont think I could pretend that nothing has changed. I only wish I had someone here in the US that I could trust to talk things over with, but other than my husbands family I dont know anyone. I do have a councelor at my cancer clinic but I dont know her too well and dont know if she would talk about this sort of stuff, I just dont know how much more I can take, its been a very hard year and I still dont know how many more I have left.

I hope for the best for you. I really hope this guy understand the special gem that he has, you sound like your a good person that is trying to make a life for the both of you. Remember to breath and go slow, but most importantly don't waiver from what you believe, things must be fair and equal for the both of you.

My thoughts are with you, please don't forget you are not alone, you have many caring people here on VJ.

Humbly,

Ramos

[Mags 112]

Thank you all for your advice. I am now wondering if he has actually met this woman, or if I am just imagining the worst. I am not angry, in fact I dont feel anything other than hurt and numb. Have I been such a fool to be conned again by a man? I used to have a rule that I would never get married or involved with another man because of things that happened in my past. Now I am wondering if there is any point in trying to be happy, trying to not be alone. may be I should just not be here anymore.

sorry

Speculating is something we all do but won't help you in the long run. You will only get the answers you need by asking him. Hopefully he will have the decency to answer you truthfully.