Oh God I need advice

[Jaseball 0]

Because you are not capable of forgiving doesn't mean that she isn't. You seem to generalize a lot about divorce and women and men; we're really not all interchangeable.

Never said she is incapable. Said she needs to take time and let the wave of emotions settle and honestly ask herself if she is able to forgive and re-forge the marriage relationship.

Also she needs to remember few things in life feel as awful as something like this and that regardless of which way she decides to go she'll probably end up happier in the end.

[Jaseball 0]

I dont know if I will ever be able to trust him like I did before, but I do know that if I had walked away last night I would have ended my life before the night was over.

Also, please, please don't think about drastic stuff like this. If thoughts like this cross your mind you need to purge them. Call family, friends, or support lines, but never think that a relationship problem, even a hard one like this, is worth tossing away your life.

[JJWashington 0]

Agreed

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

Also, I don't buy the ####### about it is ok to cry in front of your woman, except in situations like death, severe illness, maybe weddings, and in a situation like this where she doesn't know if he is crying for their relationship, for her, or because he feels sorry for himself the woman is going to lose respect.

Well I think you are wrong about this. But if you prefer hiding your feelings in front of your woman, it´s your choice.

Girl you have dealt with the bad situation so well. Fingers crossed for you I hope your future will bring you lotsa happyness again. Your husband lost it but from what I read looks like he is genuinely sorry and will work his butt off to gain your trust and respect back. Sometimes it´s really worth saving a relationship, sometimes it´s not. But that´s for you to know. I can´t give you an advice since I don´t know you two. I can give you support though and wish you good luck with everything. And...it´s never worth giving your life up.

[Ta Ta 1]

I agree with Scott and Marta, there is nothing wrong with a man crying and it shows remorse.

Sounds like he regrets his actions and still loves you. Now he has to realize that trust is not regained overnight and do the right thing.

Best wishes !

[Kathryn41 3,205]

You have behaved admirably during all of this. Your husband sounds like he is honestly contrite and indeed does want to stay married to you. People do make mistakes - it sounds like he has realized just how big of a mistake this is and how expensive it could become. He knows how much you mean to him. If it were me I would be willing to try and learn to trust him again, to let him earn my trust back. If people were unable to learn from their mistakes we would all of us be the same people all the time, without growth, without change, without maturity. There would be no hope - ever. But people do learn, they do grow and they do mature. So, hold on to the hope.

I have two very good friends who went through something like this early on in their marriage. She let him re-earn her trust. He never forgot her compassion. Their marriage is one of the strongest and happiest I have ever known. He knows the full value of her worth and adores her completely. There is no way he would ever put any of that at risk again. I hope your husband and you will find yourself in this same sort of rock-solid marriage. There is a good saying - that which does not break us, makes us stronger. Good luck.

Edited October 13, 2007 by Kathryn41

[rika60607 215]

It is "her conditions" removal, not his.

Brave girl!!! Well done!

Not only does he have to deal with the shame and guilt resurfacing, but the lose of his wife and his marriage, the lose of his citizenship and everything they have built over the past several years.

[BabyBouncer 0]

First of all a Big thanks and hugs to you all for helping me find the strength to deal with this situation.

Now an update.

Well I am still sleeping in the guest room (my choice) as I feel I just need a bit of space from a place that was so special for me.

We went to see the councilor tonight, my husband had set it all up and had explained why he wanted to attend. The lady we met with was very nice and very reassuring. We met with her together to begin with and I let my husband tell her what had happened to bring us to see her. she listened but did not comment until he had finished telling her. She then asked to speak to me alone, I could see my husband was a bit alarmed at that but she told him she needed to find out from me how I felt and exactly how I was copping with the situation. so he left to wait in the waiting room.

She asked me to tell her what I had discovered and when and then the sequence of events from then. so I told her what I found and that I had gone to work and spent the day thinking about what I wanted to do. I also told her about VJ and that I had posted here asking for advice. we talked a bit about the visa journey that I have made and how things are working out for me in my new country. we also spent some time talking about finding out I had cancer and how we as a couple have coped with that and knowing that we do not know how long I have left to live. all we know is that everything is dormant right now. but it will return.

I told her about the file I made with the emails and the photos and that all I did was lay it in front of him unopened and said I would like him to explain the contents to me. she said that I had handled the situation very well and had not started out with anger and rage.

She than asked my husband to return to us. she told him what we had talked about and said that she wanted to talk to him alone so I left and went to the waiting room. When I was called back in I could see that my husband was upset and had been crying. She told me that they had talked about the contents of the file I had left for him to look at, and one of the things that he had expected was for me to shout and yell at him. that he knew that because I was so calm and quite he had really hurt me. he felt if I had been angry and upset then he could have been angry and he would have felt he had the right to defend what he had done. but knowing how hurt I was made him realize he was at real risk of loosing me.

She ended our meeting there and we are to continue next time. she has also given my husband so work to do at home, she wants him to list the feelings he got from talking to this woman on the internet and what did he tell himself to make him think that it was ok to behave like this.

Again thanks for being there when I needed someone.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

First of all a Big thanks and hugs to you all for helping me find the strength to deal with this situation.

Now an update.

Well I am still sleeping in the guest room (my choice) as I feel I just need a bit of space from a place that was so special for me.

We went to see the councilor tonight, my husband had set it all up and had explained why he wanted to attend. The lady we met with was very nice and very reassuring. We met with her together to begin with and I let my husband tell her what had happened to bring us to see her. she listened but did not comment until he had finished telling her. She then asked to speak to me alone, I could see my husband was a bit alarmed at that but she told him she needed to find out from me how I felt and exactly how I was copping with the situation. so he left to wait in the waiting room.

She asked me to tell her what I had discovered and when and then the sequence of events from then. so I told her what I found and that I had gone to work and spent the day thinking about what I wanted to do. I also told her about VJ and that I had posted here asking for advice. we talked a bit about the visa journey that I have made and how things are working out for me in my new country. we also spent some time talking about finding out I had cancer and how we as a couple have coped with that and knowing that we do not know how long I have left to live. all we know is that everything is dormant right now. but it will return.

I told her about the file I made with the emails and the photos and that all I did was lay it in front of him unopened and said I would like him to explain the contents to me. she said that I had handled the situation very well and had not started out with anger and rage.

She than asked my husband to return to us. she told him what we had talked about and said that she wanted to talk to him alone so I left and went to the waiting room. When I was called back in I could see that my husband was upset and had been crying. She told me that they had talked about the contents of the file I had left for him to look at, and one of the things that he had expected was for me to shout and yell at him. that he knew that because I was so calm and quite he had really hurt me. he felt if I had been angry and upset then he could have been angry and he would have felt he had the right to defend what he had done. but knowing how hurt I was made him realize he was at real risk of loosing me.

She ended our meeting there and we are to continue next time. she has also given my husband so work to do at home, she wants him to list the feelings he got from talking to this woman on the internet and what did he tell himself to make him think that it was ok to behave like this.

Again thanks for being there when I needed someone.

Thinking of you I'm sure this is a painful process but I commend you for trying to slowly work through the pain. You obviously love your husband very much and I'm sure he loves you, let's hope he can slowly begin to earn back your trust and figure out why he did the things he did.

Best of luck.

[Jaseball 0]

Best wishes to whatever you decide to do. It is your life and I am happy to hear you are seeking outside advice and counseling. You'll know in your heart what you truly want and regardless of which direction you pursue it will be the right one for your particular situation.

[sara535 15]

You are being very mature and brave, I admire you for it. whatever happens down the road I think counseling is a great step, whether it leads you to working it out or it leads you to ending the relationship its a very healthy way to go about it.

good luck and stay strong.

[BabyBouncer 0]

Thank you all... I know it is early days and we still have a long way to go. but I am hoping with time and effort on both our parts we will be able to put this all behind us.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Good luck to the both of you - from the sounds of it here, I think you will have the strength and commitment to make it. It also sounds like you have a sensible and sensitive counsellor who will do your marriage a lot of good. We're rooting for you!

[TheATeam 0]

Good luck! I admire you SO much. I know that there are many couples who would just call it quits after something like this and not even try to make it work. It's clear that you love your husband very much and that he loves you too. I wish you both all the best!

[amrssnowangel 0]

I havent read every post...but...

To me exchanging ANYTHING with a member of the opposite sex that should stay within a marriage is infidelity. Be it secrets shared, sexual talk, flirting, nude photos. Anything that would HURT your other half is infidelity to the relationship. What you must do is decide if you love him enough to learn to trust him again. Once you've decided that..you need to lay down your boundaries.

1. Explain what will happen if this ever happens again

2. Get rid of all individual net accounts and create ONLY joint ones with shared passwords

3. Learn how to track his movement online

3. Agree to surf the web ONLY together

4. Get rid of net all together

5. Find out why he felt he was lacking to make him want to do this

These are just suggestions. My SO and I have agreed to limited net, with ONE account..Skype ..for him to call home. Once together, we have no need for messengers, my space, email accounts. We share our passwords now. Not that we'd invade privacy, but it does give a feeling of accountability.

I truely hope you and him feel this marriage is worth the time and investment to save. Sexual indescretions are serious, and painful. But they dont need to be the end either. Something made him do this.

Good luck.