Oh God I need advice

[chloe 1]

I am so sorry to hear of your betrayal. Being alone in a country with no support is extremely difficult for us all.

The fact that your husband was not involving you in his pastimes, is the red light.

Whether people think the exhange of nude photography is cheating or not is irrelevant. He has hurt your feelings and betrayed your trust.

Personally, if I found my husband was doing the same thing, I would bolt, been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

Im not suggesting that this would be right for you, there should always be boundaries in relationships, so that either partner is aware of what is acceptable to the other.

There has been excellent advice given here regarding counselling and I really do extend my best wishes for you.

[Jaseball 0]

There's emotional cheating and physical cheating. Actually kissing or doing more with someone else is physical and I can't condone that behavior. Emailing naked pictures is pretty over the line too. I mean, once your pictures are out there they'll end up on all sorts of websites (gay, dating, etc.) and downloaded to countless computers.

The guy must be pretty careless to leave his account password saved with that sort of evidence in play. It's like he wants to be caught.

Personally I think she should send copies to her own email and print the pictures and letters out.

Then when she is calm, collected, and has a good idea of how she would like to proceed she can sit down with the guy and slide over a folder with the email and pictures and ask him, "What would you do if you were in my position?"

Would it be as bad if the guy was solicitating pictures, but never sent any of his own?

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I haven't talked about this yet so here it goes.

A similar thing happened to me in mid-Sept when my Husband and I joined MySpace accounts. I found correspondence between him and this 16 year old girl. He's not very familiar with MySpace. This was the same girl I asked him to delete from his profile when I had alarms going off about it just after we were married. At the time he did delete her profile from his MySpace.

I noticed the dates on their correspondance was just after we were married. When I asked him about her at the time I remember he said she just added him from some mutual friends site she saw him on. From the emails though it showed he initiated contact. Reading through the emails it went on sporadically till mid-Feb after I had already asked him to delete her profile and he had.

In the emails it was general conversation. In one email she asked him; if he was married why was he still talking with her. To which he explained he is married and loved his wife very much and that I am away at college for the spring semester and that I wouldn't have a problem with their communication because we trusted each other.

Granted we do trust each other but we have had this conversation that these kinds of communications with the opposite sex is not entirely acceptable. He wouldn't like it if I did it and vice versa.

Then in further emails he goes on to flirt with her telling her she is so wise... and that is the extent of flirting in these correspondences.

What got me was after I had already asked him to delete her profile he kept communicating with her and in his last email to her he explains that he is unfamiliar with MySpace and how about they communicate through msgr. This is where my trust was broken because he went against my implied request for him to stop this communication with her.

I had emotional flip flops over this and finally I confronted him about it. He was on the defense at first saying I have friends her same age that are the opposite sex of me and that I talk with over the internet. That wasn't so much the point though ture. I explained that these contacted where already established contacts which he was friends with as well which wasn't the case with me and this female. I made then that the point was he continued communication with her after I asked him to delete her from his profile which was just after we were married and it was communication through a msgr he created specifically for us. Plus the fact he lied about how they met. So yes I was hurt. I couldn't trust my Husband. At the end of the conversation he claimed it was innocent chatter and that they haven't talked for a long time and he'd forgotten about her.

I'm a jealous insecure person at times. I know that about myself. For me this was a big deal. The following two weeks I went into a mad silence and wouldn't talk with him and I was reviewing every single detail about the entire past four years of knowing each other. I reviewed the photos of us together and tried to examine if he was having the face of being in love and happy. I tried to exam his intentions with me if he didn't marry for love. I searched for details that I hadn't paid attention too. It made me bitter and not myself. I tired to remember he had never given me a reason before not to trust him until now.

The day after the confrontation he went into the MySpace and deleted those emails so I couldn't go back to them and print them. That was the first step into helping me forget about it.

My stomach did emotional flip flops and I couldn't talk with anyone about this because it was so sensitive a topic for me. I knew I had to be quiet and sort it out for myself. I believe only the people in the relationship really know what is going on between them. They're the two that invested all the time and energy to be together. They know what is said and done between each other and no outside factor is going to have the inside scoop.

I really had to look at my Husband and ask myself why would he feel it was needed to not tell the truth to me at the time. When I asked him why he contacted her he said because he wanted to know what it was like here. She's in Florida. I said "Common you have all my friends and family added to your MySpace you could have asked any of them." He got defensive and said, "Jesus! It wasn't like you caught me in bed with her!" But he did violate our intimacy with exchanging "our msgr" which is similar to being in bed making love with your wife. I anguished over this.

I thought well if he isn't going to be talking to my friends and family for answers then I might as well delete them from "our myspace". So I made it only his profile again.

I was still faced with: Why didn't he tell me the truth? Was it to avoid conflict and taking a big heat from me? Sometime people tell people what they want to hear to avoid conflict if they know the way a person is going to react to the truth.

It took time.

I had to come to accept I did trust my Husband and I believe him that with this girl it was light flirting which goes with his narrsassitice attitude. Some guys are natural flirts. I believe mostly my Husband is a good and honorable man and it is my jealousy and insecurities I needed to work on more. We always had a strong trust and bond.

While my trust is more delicate now I am feeling better in that I would continue the relationship and see what may come because no one can tell. If something like this happened again that was more severe like in your case I don't know if I could over come it and I told him that.

My question to you is:

Did you print out the email and attachment for proof of the affair later?

What else can you get to provide proof so you don't get a clear denial from him?

I am truely sorry because it does sound very serious but I would give him a chance to explain and try to sort thiings out for yourself of what is the best and right thing to do.

You are the only one that can do that for yourself!

Best Wishes,

Olivia

[pushbrk 12,156]

Thank you all for your advice. I am now wondering if he has actually met this woman, or if I am just imagining the worst. I am not angry, in fact I dont feel anything other than hurt and numb. Have I been such a fool to be conned again by a man? I used to have a rule that I would never get married or involved with another man because of things that happened in my past. Now I am wondering if there is any point in trying to be happy, trying to not be alone. may be I should just not be here anymore.

sorry

Having the same email address for several years, I get a lot of emails like that. It doesn't mean I sent any pictures or even ever heard of the person sending the email. I wouldn't overreact, if I were you. Just show it to your husband. Chances are you'll both end up with a laugh.

[BabyBouncer 0]

Thank you all for your advice. I am now wondering if he has actually met this woman, or if I am just imagining the worst. I am not angry, in fact I dont feel anything other than hurt and numb. Have I been such a fool to be conned again by a man? I used to have a rule that I would never get married or involved with another man because of things that happened in my past. Now I am wondering if there is any point in trying to be happy, trying to not be alone. may be I should just not be here anymore.

sorry

Having the same email address for several years, I get a lot of emails like that. It doesn't mean I sent any pictures or even ever heard of the person sending the email. I wouldn't overreact, if I were you. Just show it to your husband. Chances are you'll both end up with a laugh.

If it had been a simple case of an unsolicited e-mail well we get 100's of them a month, but I dont think a photo of my husband masturbating attached to the reply can be anything other that what it is. even if it had just been that it would not of been too bad, I could have put it down to the shock factor, but when he requested a certain pose she obliged and sent it too him. That in my book make it 100 x worse.

Well I printed out the photos and the emails and when I got home I laid it on the table along with his dinner and told him I had no wish to discuss the contents of the file until he could tell me the truth and come clean about what has been going on. So now I am in the office waiting to see what will happen.

Thank again everyone for your good Ideas and special thanks to OlivianWaleed for sharing your story with me. I know how hard it is to tell anyone stuff like this. That is why I am using a fake user name to post, so I can get the help and advice I need from the good people that I trust here without making it difficult for me to feel comfortable remaining where everyone would know what had happened.

Edited October 12, 2007 by BabyBouncer

[Misty1979 0]

Thank you all for your advice. I am now wondering if he has actually met this woman, or if I am just imagining the worst. I am not angry, in fact I dont feel anything other than hurt and numb. Have I been such a fool to be conned again by a man? I used to have a rule that I would never get married or involved with another man because of things that happened in my past. Now I am wondering if there is any point in trying to be happy, trying to not be alone. may be I should just not be here anymore.

sorry

Having the same email address for several years, I get a lot of emails like that. It doesn't mean I sent any pictures or even ever heard of the person sending the email. I wouldn't overreact, if I were you. Just show it to your husband. Chances are you'll both end up with a laugh.

If it had been a simple case of an unsolicited e-mail well we get 100's of them a month, but I dont think a photo of my husband masturbating attached to the reply can be anything other that what it is. even if it had just been that it would not of been too bad, I could have put it down to the shock factor, but when he requested a certain pose she obliged and sent it too him. That in my book make it 100 x worse.

Well I printed out the photos and the emails and when I got home I laid it on the table along with his dinner and told him I had no wish to discuss the contents of the file until he could tell me the truth and come clean about what has been going on. So now I am in the office waiting to see what will happen.

Thank again everyone for your good Ideas and special thanks to OlivianWaleed for sharing your story with me. I know how hard it is to tell anyone stuff like this. That is why I am using a fake user name to post, so I can get the help and advice I need from the good people that I trust here without making it difficult for me to feel comfortable remaining where everyone would know what had happened.

I think you handled that very well. If I was in your shoes, I would be hurt beyond words as well, and I really don't think I could ever restore the trust I once had with him again. Trust is the center of a relationship, and in my opinion, once that is broken, everything will surely fall apart around it.

I can't honestly see any logical answer he is going to be able to come up with to explain away emailing naked pictures of himself to another woman. He's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and he knows it.

I commend you for your strength in being able to approach him so boldly with what he has done. If you are strong enough to confront him with an issue that painful, you are definetely strong enough to move on and leave him behind if his answers do not satisfy you.

I wish you all the best and hope you find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve

[caybee 21]

Thanks for all for your support... I will need to give it some thought as to how I am going to approch this. I am dreding going home tonight from work as I am not good at hiding my feelings and I dont think I could pretend that nothing has changed. I only wish I had someone here in the US that I could trust to talk things over with, but other than my husbands family I dont know anyone. I do have a councelor at my cancer clinic but I dont know her too well and dont know if she would talk about this sort of stuff, I just dont know how much more I can take, its been a very hard year and I still dont know how many more I have left.

Did I understand this post and especially the last sentence correctly, that you are fighting cancer in addition to all of this? If so, this is a double blow, and I admire the clearheaded way you seem to be dealing with everything. You confronted your husband in the best way possible, in my opinion. I hope he is able to see what he has been doing and that you are able to resolve this soon, regardless of the path you choose.

[archie07 0]

If you want to blow his mind, why not set up an email account in yahoo or hotmail and send him an email saying my friend showed me your member, it really turns me on, Would you like to see me?

[Mephys 2]

If you want to blow his mind, why not set up an email account in yahoo or hotmail and send him an email saying my friend showed me your member, it really turns me on, Would you like to see me?

Is it me or is it just a really an inappropriate comment ???

[*JG* 2]

How did this all play out?

You handled everything extremely well. I am sure I would've been much more explosive in my confrontation....probably while tossing his stuff out on the front lawn.

I consider what he did cheating. It is a direct blow to the issue of trust and respect for the marriage. Yes, you get all kinds of unsolicited e-mails, PM's, whatever on some of those sites. Choosing to ignore and/or block is always an option. Responding to, requesting from, and then participating in that kind of behavior is wrong and he knows that.

[Mags 112]

If you want to blow his mind, why not set up an email account in yahoo or hotmail and send him an email saying my friend showed me your member, it really turns me on, Would you like to see me?

Is it me or is it just a really an inappropriate comment ???

No, I feel it is inappropriate as well.

How did this all play out?

You handled everything extremely well. I am sure I would've been much more explosive in my confrontation....probably while tossing his stuff out on the front lawn.

I agree, it sounds like you were calm and rational and I hope that you were able to get to the bottom of things. Just remember that we are here for you on VJ if/when you need us.

[archie07 0]

If you want to blow his mind, why not set up an email account in yahoo or hotmail and send him an email saying my friend showed me your member, it really turns me on, Would you like to see me?

Is it me or is it just a really an inappropriate comment ???

I knew I would get slammed for that one, but I personally think it's a good idea. If she wants to get to the bottom of this she has two options, either send him her photo or try to set up a place to meet and then she will know if he is for real or just playing around. We already know he will deny any involvement when confronted. This is a delicate issue concerning a marraige and I would want concrete evidence before I jump the gun. As she has stated, she does not know if her husband has intentions of meeting this woman or not. I'm not in any way saying I condone the fact he is displaying his member in an email, which she can address at any time. If he sees her face then he has some serious explaining to do, If he meets her then he is in deap do-do. That's her call on how far she wants to take this.

[Mrs.J06 4]

If you want to blow his mind, why not set up an email account in yahoo or hotmail and send him an email saying my friend showed me your member, it really turns me on, Would you like to see me?

Is it me or is it just a really an inappropriate comment ???

I knew I would get slammed for that one, but I personally think it's a good idea. If she wants to get to the bottom of this she has two options, either send him her photo or try to set up a place to meet and then she will know if he is for real or just playing around. We already know he will deny any involvement when confronted. This is a delicate issue concerning a marraige and I would want concrete evidence before I jump the gun. As she has stated, she does not know if her husband has intentions of meeting this woman or not. I'm not in any way saying I condone the fact he is displaying his member in an email, which she can address at any time. If he sees her face then he has some serious explaining to do, If he meets her then he is in deap do-do. That's her call on how far she wants to take this.

I don't think this is the time for playing games.

The OP handled the issue very maturely and way more quiet and civil than I could have been in her situation. How can he deny anything if she put her evidence in front of him, anyway?

I hope her husband realizes that she deserves honesty now and tells her the complete truth - if he doesn't, well then I guess she's better of without him, hard as it may be.

A situation very similar to yours ended my husband's previous marriage - when he first found out he was very willing to forgive her and forget about it, but had to realize that the pillar of their relationship - trust - was lost and it was over.

I wish you much strength and take care of yourself!

[archie07 0]

If I offended Baby Bouncer or anyone else for that matter, then I apologize, that wasn't my intentions. I don't consider doing a little detective work playing a game, especially when a marraige is at stake. I would want more evidence other than photos and emails.

[chloe 1]

I think you handled yourself very well. Well done!

In your shoes, I would probably be facing a life in prison for how I would have dealt with it.

As for the suggestion of playing games to see if ' he would go through with cheating', IMO its already been proven in the photographs.

Sex, sexual photographs, sex chat, flirtation etc should be only between a husband and his wife, unless you're both mutally involved..

cyber-swinging.....not my cup of tea!

I have had a similiar experience with an ex, and regrettably fell for the lines of..

'It doesnt mean anything', ' Its only a bit of fun', ' you're never there', 'Its harmless', 'everyone does it'

But thats me, once bitten...

Good luck with whatever decision you go with and my heart goes out to you,

Nobody can tell you the right thing to do, it needs to be a decision that you are happy with.

All the best

x