Being a step-parent after immigration of fiance

[uapilot 60]

We're on the precipice of getting our K-1 visa and being able to move to the United States. This has finally given me some mental space to start considering the logistics of life back in the US, including the fact that I will be a step-parent after our marriage.

 

My would-be stepdaughter is 4 years old. Her father is alive and well, has some interest in the child, and has given us his blessing to move to the US (including giving us formal permission to leave their native country, which is required when the child is leaving the country with one parent).

 

My question is, how does it work in the States (Virginia specifically, but we'll be moving elsewhere most likely)? Let's say my fiance is incapacitated. Does a social worker come for my step-daughter? Does my fiance have to be at every one of her doctor's appointments?

 

In terms of getting some rights to the child, what are my options (assuming the father agrees)? I'd be willing to adopt, but I'm sure it's not something that's tenable, at least not yet. I know legal guardianship exists, but based on what I'm reading, it's only for those cases where both natural parents rescind their parental rights. Is there something that would work for my situation? Something that would give me some authority over the child's well being, and in cases of emergency, prevent her from just simply being taken from me just because it's hospital protocol or something.

 

And if there is something (and this is the part that is immigration related), how do we go about proving the father's permission? Do we get a notarized statement with an apostille?

 

Hopefully, these weren't stupid questions. Internet searches haven't given me a lot of answers, so I'm thinking, people around here may have some experience in this area.

[JeanneAdil 6,244]

social workers only get involved when they get a report of abuse or some kind of misuse 

and as step father you will have rights to attend dr appointments,  school functions including sporting events and recitals and teacher meetings

if for any reason the mother is incapciatated,  it will depend on so many factors like for how long,   laws where u live,   age of child as if old enough she may choose to return to father,  and so many other things

 

if father is still out of the country ,  you will have the wife's permission here in US not the father 

and when considering adoption,   you would have to have father's permission  but consider the cost as adoption is expensive even when all parties are in the US

[uapilot 60]

1 hour ago, JeanneAdil said:

social workers only get involved when they get a report of abuse or some kind of misuse 

and as step father you will have rights to attend dr appointments,  school functions including sporting events and recitals and teacher meetings

if for any reason the mother is incapciatated,  it will depend on so many factors like for how long,   laws where u live,   age of child as if old enough she may choose to return to father,  and so many other things

 

if father is still out of the country ,  you will have the wife's permission here in US not the father 

and when considering adoption,   you would have to have father's permission  but consider the cost as adoption is expensive even when all parties are in the US

What do you mean about me having my wife's permission if the father isn't in the US? Does that mean my wife could grant me some rights without consent from the father since he doesn't live in the US?

 

As for adoption, I'm aware of the costs, and I could certainly see a future in which the father would allow it. But at the moment, I'm just looking for practical alternatives that we could implement for the near future.

[Ontarkie 13,957]

~~MOved to Moving Here and Your New Life, from General Immigration Discussion.~~

 

 

 

Mod hat off

The mother will have to list you as someone who has permission to see the child's medical reports/talk to the doctors/pay the bill (yes it's crazy)  and she will have to list you at the school as contact and pick up.

As a step -parent you really have no rights at all. Does not matter if the father is in the country or not. Your rights end with divorce/death. There is no gray area here. 

If something happens to the mother, the father is to be notified and she is returned to him. If someone  deicides to hide the fact from the father and he finds out a world of trouble can happen.

You cannot adopt her without him giving up his parental rights, so if he wants to still be her father even from far then no adoption. 

 

Permission to move is a notarized letter or court order. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by Ontarkie

[uapilot 60]

48 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

~~MOved to Moving Here and Your New Life, from General Immigration Discussion.~~

 

 

 

Mod hat off

The mother will have to list you as someone who has permission to see the child's medical reports/talk to the doctors/pay the bill (yes it's crazy)  and she will have to list you at the school as contact and pick up.

As a step -parent you really have no rights at all. Does not matter if the father is in the country or not. Your rights end with divorce/death. There is no gray area here. 

If something happens to the mother, the father is to be notified and she is returned to him. If someone  deicides to hide the fact from the father and he finds out a world of trouble can happen.

You cannot adopt her without him giving up his parental rights, so if he wants to still be her father even from far then no adoption. 

 

Permission to move is a notarized letter or court order. 

The part about adoption I'm well aware of. I'm just suggesting him wanting to be a parent is not a permanent thing.

Assuming he does, though, and something happens to the mother but he is fine with my step-daughter continuing to live in my family, is there a vehicle other than adoption that would allow for that?

Edited March 18, 2021 by uapilot

[aaron2020 11,651]

Adoption would CUT OFF THE FATHER'S RIGHT TO HIS DAUGHTER.

 

As the stepparent, you will have some rights - this will be specific according to Virginia state law.  The mother can sign legal paperwork to give you certain rights; including guardianship if she is incapacitated.  

If something happens to the mother, the father can give you guardianship of his daughter.  

YOU NEED TO TALK TO A FAMILY LAWYER IN VIRGINIA.  You are asking questions that NO ONE HERE IS QUALIFIED TO ANSWER since EVERYTHING WILL BE CONTROLLED BY STATE LAW.  CAN NOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH.

[RamonGomez 259]

I have a wonderful stepdaughter here in the US. I have known her for a long time, and her biological father has been MIA since she was 2 years old.

 

It's been shockingly easy and schools, doctors, government offices etc. have never given me any grief for not being her "legal" father. I don't even think I was ever asked. We are, however, looking into legal options in the event something happens to my wife (e.g. adoption, guardianship, etc.) One option we're leaning towards is specifying me as the legal guardian in her will, since my wife has sole custody. In theory, we could also make the argument in court that since her biological dad is "unfit" and she has no other immediate relatives in the US, it's in the child's best interest to stay with me, her stepfather. 

 

But I agree, pay for an hour to talk to a good family-law attorney, ideally one that has experience involving immigrants. There are also state-by-state differences.

Edited March 19, 2021 by RamonGomez

[uapilot 60]

10 hours ago, RamonGomez said:

I have a wonderful stepdaughter here in the US. I have known her for a long time, and her biological father has been MIA since she was 2 years old.

 

It's been shockingly easy and schools, doctors, government offices etc. have never given me any grief for not being her "legal" father. I don't even think I was ever asked. We are, however, looking into legal options in the event something happens to my wife (e.g. adoption, guardianship, etc.) One option we're leaning towards is specifying me as the legal guardian in her will, since my wife has sole custody. In theory, we could also make the argument in court that since her biological dad is "unfit" and she has no other immediate relatives in the US, it's in the child's best interest to stay with me, her stepfather. 

 

But I agree, pay for an hour to talk to a good family-law attorney, ideally one that has experience involving immigrants. There are also state-by-state differences.

Thank you, this is great info. I'll gladly talk to one, but I haven't been back in the states in over a year. We'll likely first choose a state to live in and then get around to it.

[Ontarkie 13,957]

On 3/18/2021 at 3:53 PM, uapilot said:

The part about adoption I'm well aware of. I'm just suggesting him wanting to be a parent is not a permanent thing.

Assuming he does, though, and something happens to the mother but he is fine with my step-daughter continuing to live in my family, is there a vehicle other than adoption that would allow for that?

Sorry been off line a lot lately. 

 

 What does the mother's custody say regarding hers and his rights? If it's something like Canada - pretty much next to impossible to have the father's rights terminated or  is it something like the PI if the mother was never married she has sole and complete custody then that makes a huge difference. 

 

This is my experience after talking to several lawyers in the US and Canada. So for me my older 4 kids, I have sole custody, but sole custody in Canada does not mean their father had no rights. We had to still follow the custody agreement that was originally made. The US courts would not modify a foreign custody agreement as one parent could file suite that they were not be able to be inside the US and properly fight the case. Second the birth country has jurisdiction and does not have to honour anything changed in a US court.  So Canadian law for me would always apply. If I wanted something modified I had to pay a lawyer in Canada to represent me and fight whatever in court there.  

 

I was worried that if something did happen to me the kids would be stuck going back to a very bad situation. (Yup bad all around and still couldn't strip him of his rights. Child services was even involved)  SO I researched the heck out of it. Made back up plans that if the kids went back their Aunt would step in and take them. 

 

Luckily for us nothing happened and their Aunt didn't need to step in. They are all adults now so no more worry about that. Just new stuff. lol 

 

The father if he chose to give you guardianship that could allow her to stay in the US with you without adopting.  I didn't actually look into guardianship so I don't know if the birth country needs to file or if it can be done state side. That is something to look into also. 

 

I understand the fears of - what if. I hated it. 

 

Most of the time schools and doctors are no big deal as like anything when you register them your info gets added to the forms. You don't actually need to special form to add you. 

[uapilot 60]

12 hours ago, Ontarkie said:

What does the mother's custody say regarding hers and his rights? If it's something like Canada - pretty much next to impossible to have the father's rights terminated or  is it something like the PI if the mother was never married she has sole and complete custody then that makes a huge difference. 

They were never married, but he's listed on the birth certificate, so according to Ukrainian law, they both have equal rights and responsibilities.

[debbiedoo 2,339]

I know I am resurrecting an old thread, sorry. Hopefully OP has things figured out a bit and spoke to an attorney, which is really what should be done. I can only give my situation (here in virginia, as is OP)

 

My situation though is a LOT different, as my ex (my sons father) is deceased, and my son is much older (15 years old now, 12 when we married). Neither my son nor husband have ever expressed any interest in adoption, though they like each other and get along quite well. that is something between them, and I dont care either way. it seems they do not care either LOL

 

In my Will, I have my husband provided for as his legal guardian, with a back up as my best friend and her husband (if for some bizarre reason my husband can not or if something had happened to him and the will had not been updated yet). He is also obviously, on all his school and doctor records, etc. That is easy to do.

 

as a step parent... you really have no rights if the legal parent you are married to passes away or even if they become incapacitated (that may be a grey area, im not sure) and the other parent is still alive and especially if they are involved in the childs life. The kid would go to their biological parent in the event of death, no questions asked, you would not have ANY rights legally to them. you are just the spouse of the parent (now, if you have a good relationship with the ex, the two of you may come to an arrangement but that would be purely voluntary on their part and nothing that is legally required). you can not adopt, not without consent of the bio parent, as the bio parent has to legally give up all of their parental rights.

 

really, a consultation with an attorney and discussion with the other parent is in order if it has not been done, i might wait a couple of years, until after ROC (assuming you are coming on a K1/CR1, i didnt look to see what process you are going through) to let things settle and get into a routine and establish relationships.

[TBoneTX 43,417]

A recent post has been split from this thread and moved to the US Citizenship main forum.  The split post was not on the precise topic of this thread, and the Moderation team thought that it would attract better answers as a stand-alone thread.

 

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