Visa in hand, but petitioner is unemployed. Please help!

[Limey 550]

From all the stuff you've said, I think you know this has no chance of working out?

He wants you to give up your job and your home, and bring your savings because he can't be bothered to get a job?

He wants you to be a stay at home mum, but he doesn't have a job?

He tells you the process has damaged his feelings for you?

He can't be bothered to learn your language and would rather be playing computer games?

I've just got married on my k1 visa. Being married involves a massive change in your life, and it takes time to work things out and settle into it. Moving to a new country is a stressful too. I would only advise even attempting it if you believe your relationship is perfect. If there are any cracks then its going to get shaken apart in no time. It involves compromise and give and take? So far you seem to be compromising and giving everything, and he's done... well... nothing? My new wife and me did whatever we could to be together - she sponsored me and got all the paperwork she needed, and I did my part, paying the fees and visiting often and getting all my paperwork like police certificates etc... and we worked so well on it together. That's what its all about.

I'm probably older than many here (i'm 43). I've been through a lot in that time - failed relationships, and one bereavement. One lesson I learned a while back was that it hurts to break up with someone, but often it hurts more to stay with them. If things aren't right, learn from it and move on. Staying in a bad relationship will just make you unhappy.

Edited July 20, 2015 by Limey

[aaron2020 11,651]

Trina, good point. Well he has been the center of my world since I gave my heart to him. You see I'm a shy, private person, and once someone is in my heart, it's forever.

Is loving him forever worth a life of misery and abuse? Not only for yourself but also for your children? Is this abuse the environment that you want to see your children witness? Do you want them to live in grandmom's house with their uncles and aunts while he emotionally abuses you in front of them?

[AvaAdore 4]

Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. But please re-read what you've written here and imagine a friend or sister or someone explaining it to you.

He wants you to be a stay at home mom and yet he is unwilling/unable to even support himself. Just *trying* to take the first step in supporting just himself (finding a job) was "too stressful". Can you imagine? That would be the beginning and end of that conversation for me.

From a quick google search, it looks as if there is nothing preventing him from being able to live in France if he were to marry you. He doesn't have to prove any savings, or at least not according to the French consulate in DC: http://www.consulfrance-washington.org/spip.php?article470 He doesn't speak the language? That sounds like a personal problem, to me. There is no requirement that he speak French to live in France (to become a citizen, I bet, but there's other legal status available). Furthermore, that is a very fixable personal problem. He can learn French. Literally billions of people on the planet speak more than one language. And with a little effort on his part he, too, may join their ranks.

"As a woman, it's different". End of conversation for me, too. If he'd feel like a slave as an illegal immigrant unable to work, he needs to understand you'd feel that way too. (PS, see above. He can get legal status). I don't believe in double standards, particularly not on the basis of gender and most especially not if the person talking that kind of nonsense isn't living up to the flip side of that coin (which is "as a man, he should be supporting himself, and not let "stress" keep him from being alpha-male provider". Instead, he's still suckling at Mommy's teet! Big man there). He wants a stay at home mom, sure. FOR HIM. He doesn't want a family to provide for....he wants a mother-wife to always take care of him.

Please. You are much better off living in a country with a job and legal status than you ever will be living illegally with someone who plans to "support you" as a stay at home mom but shows zero effort to actually provide that support.

yes, I know I condone too much, and I realise he may see this as a weakness to exploit.

He gave me several other reasons, such as he doesn't like the people here. The few times I tried to teach him, he would pronounce a word and then just give up. Another thing that is making my head boil is that he never asks how I'm feeling. I had a medical issue not long ago, and he never asks how things are now. I asked why and he said that if I wanted to talk about it, I would talk about it.

Why dd he change so much? sometimes I wonder if he didn't pretend to be someone else, just so I would fall for him. And now I can't remove my feelings.

[Margaret&Beau 4]

Hi Ava,

I know you have received a lot of different and great opinions here so far. My thoughts come from being married previously and learning life lessons.

Personally, I would suggest staying right where you are in France. Let him know gently that you just don't feel comfortable coming at this time since he has no home for the two of you to live in and no way to support you while you look for employment here. This is a big deal; what if you were to get sick when you get here? What if you did get pregnant with no way to support the baby? If he were to become angry with you or upset in any other way that didn't include complete understanding of your choice... well my advice would be to end the relationship and keep looking.

It's quite possible that your fiance is not quite as mature as you are, and doesn't understand the full scope of what you are putting on the line to come here. Find someone who wants to take care of you just as much as you want to take care of them.

[Pennycat 880]

I greatly respect your stress over the situation. Far too many would come and increase the burden upon our system. I think you will have no problem finding a job just as easy if not easier than in France. Unfortunately if he hasn't found some kind of job yet I wouldn't rely on it, our market is good right now. On top of that California is crazy expensive to live in. I wouldn't say don't come, because you can always go back. I wouldn't stress about losing your job unless it is a once in a lifetime job. I would continue to tread with caution. It is odd a parent not supporting their child, that to me is the biggest sign of something not wrong. A strong family is important to me, and that doesn't sound like a strong family to me. Good luck in whatever you decide, California is great so at worst you could have a month or two vacation.

Not if she doesn't have EAD. She can't have EAD unless he makes enough money to sponsor her AOS, or finds a co-sponsor, none of which he appears willing or able to do.

You're right that if he hasn't found a job by now, he won't.

It took her 8 months to find this job, she likes it, and is up for a promotion. She should leave this job to chase after someone who is "too stressed" to find a job and won't be able to get it together enough to make sure she has legal status in the US? And who wants to have a baby right away while taking zero actions to actually support the baby?

Also, OP--- why did his behavior change? Possibly because people change. Also, abusers (I don't mean beating I mean emotional abuse and manipulation) get you to fall in love with them, and then show their true colors. And one of their tricks is withholding their love from you to get you to work harder to "earn" it. And looks like it's working. You're talking about giving up your good life for the nothing that he is offering you, putting yourself at risk (legal status and financially) and he doesn't even treat you nicely, forget treat you equally (being willing to come to you, for example). That didn't happen by accident.

[AvaAdore 4]

I think CatherineA has put it best. If you wouldn't marry this guy right now if he lived down the street due to some of the issues and behaviors, then don't go to the US to marry him. Relationships are hard enough, marriage doesn't make it any easier. And immigration certainly throws some stress into the mix.

It sounds like a lot of typical relationship hurdles independent of the immigration ones. If you want to work and be independent and not be a full time stay at home mom, those are huge differences in what you both have planned for he future.

Postpone or cancel this visa. Work through some of the other major issues. You can always re-apply for the K-1 or apply for a CR-1. But moving to a small town Ina new country with no way to work or travel or be yourself and potentially need to divorce if things don't improve would be much more difficult.

Or book a round-trip for just shy of a month from now. Come on the K-1 and see the situation in person. You'll know after 2-3 weeks if it's what you want..

Thanks Sarah. I don't know why he can't see how many sacrifices I have to make. He never commented on it, or said he appreciates it.

It's so tricky...even if I were to stay for a couple of weeks, maybe he would should me his loving side again in the beginning?

[AvaAdore 4]

He's lazy and has no respect for you or your culture then. Or he's stupid. Sorry. Learning another language simply isn't THAT hard. Boring, maybe. But we all do things for love. Except him, I suppose. Because he's lazy and has no respect for your or your culture or he's stupid. See?

Everyone feels that way about their loves (that giving their heart is forever). It passes. Marriage is a partnership, not a fairy tale. You're not getting a partner. You would be signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery (or at the very least an ugly divorce) if you continue with this unless he makes some very serious changes. Sorry. Good luck.

Yeah..I have been very disappointed, but always gave him (and still do) give him the benefit of the doubt.

What changes should he make? Perhaps I can suggest him that

[Eric & Idalia 56]

Hello Adil & Jeanne. I appreciate your message it means the world to me that so many people care. I am so grateful to you all!

Yes it is hard, but I had to remind him to apply often, and even when I did, he prefered his hobbies as opposed to job-hunting..

Why is it controlling of him? I think I know what you mean, but please elaborate.

Love on my side, I mentioned. On his side, as he shut me down a few times in the past, I send him a photo that had this text "Treat her like you're still trying to win her, and that's how you'll never lose her". To that, he responded "I don't care enough to do so and I don't have the energy to do so. I'd rather play video games or work out. No stress, no complaints".

*sighs*

I have been reading all the comments and this is so sad. You want to have a marriage like that?

Once I read "marriage is not 50% and 50% divorce is. Marriage is 100% and 100%"

It seems you are giving/doing 200% and he 0%. That sounds like a not very nice way to live. Please THINK. Listen to your heart and soul. You want to be happy. You want to be with someone who really loves you and treats you like you deserve. Not being far from home with that human being.

[madtownguy 164]

Thanks Sarah. I don't know why he can't see how many sacrifices I have to make. He never commented on it, or said he appreciates it.

It's so tricky...even if I were to stay for a couple of weeks, maybe he would should me his loving side again in the beginning?

I know everyone is quick to jump on the guy, and I agree to me he sounds like a loser. But people change, life is constantly changing. Some people need someone there pushing them along, and maybe when he has you there doing that things will change. If you really wanted to be married to him, I wouldn't give up with out at least trying it out for a little while. Now if you're making the equivalent to say 100k USD a year then maybe it isn't worth the possible hassles. But if you're just kind of starting out in life career wise, you won't notice losing a job. Or maybe you just go for 2 weeks, make it a vacation type thing that if he wows you, then you stay. The abuse thing in this forum is thrown out on almost every post, he may be insensitive and not show he cares for you the way you want him to, but that doesn't mean he doesn't. Good luck!

[AvaAdore 4]

We can only come here and offer our sincere opinion on this, but as we are not actually going through this, it's important that you take the time to really assess your feelings, hopes and dreams.

Sounds like you're young and yet you're (at least) bilingual and have a good job with a promotion offer on your way. You sure worked hard for it. Are you comfortable on leaving the life you have and worked for behind? Your family and friends?

Love is a powerful emotion that sometimes take our reason away and make us choose poorly. As much difficult as it is, try to reason within you: is loving him enough? Would you be happy being out of status? Living in his mothers house? Not being able to work?

Relationships take a lot of compromise and require that the people involved work together in order to make it work. So far you've done your part, why can't he do his?

I agree with everyone's opinion so far. Don't throw what you have away for someone that's not putting the effort to make this life changing situation comfortable and worth for you. Love and respect yourself, you deserve much better.

Hello, to be honest it terrifies me to live all that behind. But not once has he asked me how I felt about it. he sleeps 12 hours a day, knows how hard I work, and I always have to ask him for Skype chats. It's tearing me apart.

[Margaret&Beau 4]

Yeah..I have been very disappointed, but always gave him (and still do) give him the benefit of the doubt.

What changes should he make? Perhaps I can suggest him that

You shouldn't ever ask a person to change for you. If the person is so flawed that things have to change prior to you ever getting married, end this relationship and keep looking. This guy sounds like, from everything you've said, he's just not that interested in marriage, your arrival in the US, or putting effort forward in anyway. Why on earth would you expect that to change once you got here?

It's understandable that maybe you feel insecure, that you might not find someone to love you like he "did in the beginning", or that you are not prepared to be single. I promise you that your focus in life from this moment on should be on learning how to love yourself only. Figure out how to better yourself, hobbies that you like, what you want to do in life, etc.

Change your phone number, your email or any other method he uses to get ahold of you and move on.

Last - just because you love someone or gave them your heart does not mean they deserve it. I love my exhusband and always will. Doesn't mean I would ever talk to him again.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Hi. I think it varies from person to person, I have had friends that told me it was quite challenging, especially the phonetic.

He says he is attached to his brothers, sister and family and cat. But what about mine? he didn't even ask. And I have a cat, that I love so much..he didn't even suggest me to bring her, but at the same time my mother wants to keep my cat as she believes she wouldn't tolerate the flight, so she wants to keep my cat.

I have several friends who married to Frenchmen and they said the language is quite difficult to learn. The pronunciation is hard let alone masculine and feminine nouns. They have lived there for years. This the experience came from my friends. I also learned French language myself. I am more curious about languages and Le Monde is my first choice if I wanted to read news in French.

Anyhow, I can't judge your relationship with your fiancé or give you any advice more than just K-1 visa thing. Just follow your gut. Love most of times is blind you from the reality world. There are a lot good advices you have got here.

Good luck!

[AvaAdore 4]

No. It's his true colors.

We all behave quite well at the beginning of relationships. We are on our best behavior. After a while, the masks fall off and our true colors shine through.

Could he be why he has no longer any "energy" to be loving and caring? (his words).

I feel shattered.

[Anapr 15]

Hello, to be honest it terrifies me to live all that behind. But not once has he asked me how I felt about it. he sleeps 12 hours a day, knows how hard I work, and I always have to ask him for Skype chats. It's tearing me apart.

I know how you feel. It really break us apart when we're in an unbalanced relationship, where you're giving too much of yourself away and not getting the support and love you want and deserve.

There's a point in life that you need to ask yourself if you want to live like this. You're responsible for your own happiness and have the power to change and go after it.

[Lemonslice 4,553]

I know you're right, I hate to admit it.

Do you reckon he is that harsh on me because he saw I always forgive no matter what? Is it my fault for being too forgiving? He once flirted with a girl online, called her "cute" and wanted to see her. I cried for a week after that and didn't have any appetite. But I forgave. Recently I asked him to never hurt me gain, and he said "if that bothered you that much, you would have left me". (referring to his flirting behind my back).

Do you see how he manipulates you? He didn't behave properly, but in the end he says it's your fault?

Sad to say, but he simply doesn't care about you (doesn't ask how you're doing/feeling; doesn't put any effort in the process or prepare for a good life for you two by getting a job and planning properly...)

You sound like a resourceful and sane person - your heart will heal and you will be ready to meet someone as great as you are. Pour toujours with the wrong one is a long sentence.

Edited July 20, 2015 by Boston~Montreal