VAWA help?

[Illiria 980]

Considering the OP hasn't been on here since just after she posted this thread I debated responding to this direct attack on my advice. But I feel that my point needs to be clarified as it has led to a post that has misrepresented my character and portrayed me as someone who would say that the victim is to blame, as a victim of abuse myself I would never do that. It is a ridiculous statement used to manipulate the victim into not going to the police.

I was trying to help the OP understand the underlying issues her spouse is having to deal with, in fact multiple times in my posts I pointed out what a (insert banned expletive here) the OP's spouse was being.

SandraNJ is a valuable expert on these things and has helped many people on this forum involved in VAWA and other legal issues.

Yes not buying food so you have to rely on someone else's credit card, not helping with the forms when she is incapable of doing the research on-line and saying completely inappropriate and inaccurate things about the effort required to raise a child are the hallmarks of a terrible spouse.

But the case is that on other posts where the same issues have been raised it has been repeatedly pointed out that not filing is not abuse, some of those OP's were male though and I have witnessed a terrifying discrepancy between the advice female vawa victims have been given compared with their male counterparts but that is a debate for another post.

4) Ignore the victim blaming- "well, if you just called him by the right pronouns, he wouldn't scream at you". He is an adult in control of his behaviour, and there's no reason for verbal abuse.

The OP multiple times stated that her spouse has asked her not to call her spouse by their male name and not to teach the child 'daddy'. Yes OP spouse should act like an adult and not yell, but also the OP should act like an adult and do what has been requested. The argument goes both ways.

1: "He has forced me to call him only by female pronouns"

2: "I have been forced to watch the man I love becoming a woman"

3: "He forbids me to refer to him as ''my husband'', he loses his temper completely if by mistake I call him by his old name. (His male name)"

4: "absolutely refuses me to teach her the word daddy."

Clearly, and understandably, the OP is hurt and confused by her spouses realization that they are female. Not complying with their wish to be referred to as female and will lead to arguments just as calling a man a girl would or implying a woman is not feminine.

The OP should leave, file for divorce, file a police report if they wish including a restraining order should they feel scared, then contact a lawyer about getting their immigration sorted. Order can be modified as necessary.

As I said in my last post I truly hope that the OP can find peace and sort their immigration issues out, then find someone they are truly happy with as everyone deserves to be happy and no-one ever, ever deserves abuse.

[NH.90 5]

His gender reassignment is not ground for Vawa, you have to prove that you are being subject to extreme cruelty(mental abuse).Mental abuse is a pattern characterized by control,humiliation,degradation,threat,isolation etc..but to have a Vawa based in extreme cruelty approved you need to have a psychological evaluation done and you should be diagnosed with major depression and or post traumatic disorder. Attending therapy you have to explore the abuse endured, and not his sexuality, since Vawa Unit stated in several Vawa decisions that sexual orientation, and infidelity are not considered abuse.

I would never use his gender reassignment as the grounds for the divorce, it's the abuse that kills me. I have texts of him being abusive. This is not about his sexual orientation, is about the emotional torture.

[NH.90 5]

Considering the OP hasn't been on here since just after she posted this thread I debated responding to this direct attack on my advice. But I feel that my point needs to be clarified as it has led to a post that has misrepresented my character and portrayed me as someone who would say that the victim is to blame, as a victim of abuse myself I would never do that. It is a ridiculous statement used to manipulate the victim into not going to the police.

I was trying to help the OP understand the underlying issues her spouse is having to deal with, in fact multiple times in my posts I pointed out what a (insert banned expletive here) the OP's spouse was being.

SandraNJ is a valuable expert on these things and has helped many people on this forum involved in VAWA and other legal issues.

Yes not buying food so you have to rely on someone else's credit card, not helping with the forms when she is incapable of doing the research on-line and saying completely inappropriate and inaccurate things about the effort required to raise a child are the hallmarks of a terrible spouse.

But the case is that on other posts where the same issues have been raised it has been repeatedly pointed out that not filing is not abuse, some of those OP's were male though and I have witnessed a terrifying discrepancy between the advice female vawa victims have been given compared with their male counterparts but that is a debate for another post.

The OP multiple times stated that her spouse has asked her not to call her spouse by their male name and not to teach the child 'daddy'. Yes OP spouse should act like an adult and not yell, but also the OP should act like an adult and do what has been requested. The argument goes both ways.

1: "He has forced me to call him only by female pronouns"

2: "I have been forced to watch the man I love becoming a woman"

3: "He forbids me to refer to him as ''my husband'', he loses his temper completely if by mistake I call him by his old name. (His male name)"

4: "absolutely refuses me to teach her the word daddy."

Clearly, and understandably, the OP is hurt and confused by her spouses realization that they are female. Not complying with their wish to be referred to as female and will lead to arguments just as calling a man a girl would or implying a woman is not feminine.

The OP should leave, file for divorce, file a police report if they wish including a restraining order should they feel scared, then contact a lawyer about getting their immigration sorted. Order can be modified as necessary.

As I said in my last post I truly hope that the OP can find peace and sort their immigration issues out, then find someone they are truly happy with as everyone deserves to be happy and no-one ever, ever deserves abuse.

I felt the need to clarify all these points, because you do not know who I am, or the facts which is because I haven't given them all.

I was the only person who supported him when he told me about his gender issues, even when it broke my heart to do so. I always wanted him to be happy.

I DID NOT attempt at all to teach my daughter the word Daddy, we were watching a TV show and someone was teaching a baby and he suddenly turned to look at me very angry and told me ''DON;T YOU DARE TO TEACH MY DAUGHTER THAT WORD''

He laughs at me and tells me that the man I fell in love with was a lie, that he never existed. Laughing while saying something like this, is CRUEL.

You are speaking of me as if I haven't researched anything about his transgender issues, you do not know how far I've gone to help him deal, to be there for him. I am only using male pronouns here to not confuse people, but I respect who he wants to become. I am not a close-minded brat, like you are making me feel. I have endured the worst of treatments, every morning I wake up (after having been awoken by baby 2 times at night) and I make him breakfast (when we have food in the fridge,which at the moment we don't) , I have the clothes ready and his make up on place and everything that he might need to get ready and he still is mad at me every morning and always finds something to yell at me for.

I am sorry that he had the parents he had, because they never left him express himself, I am not against what he is doing, is his treatment of me, that you might not consider abusive, but believe me, having lived like this for as long as I have, is not easy.

[NH.90 5]

Call your local domestic violence shelter and see if they (or your state coalition) have a staff attorney that can help you with VAWA, probably for free. As someone with over a decade of experience in the field, I see red flags all over your post. Emotional and economic abuse are real and absolutely grounds for VAWA. You don't need to get a PTSD diagnosis or listen to anonymous people on here with no experience in the field- get help for your actual situation. Domestic violence can happen in any family relationship, and its about 2 things: POWER and CONTROL. It sounds like your spouse may feel powerless going through this gender transition, so he is decided to control you to assert his power over you in an unhealthy way. Please contact a local DV program because you are worthy of help, deserve a healthy relationship, and will find better, more appropriate help there than on this internet forum.

Red flags:

1) Refusing to let you acquire legal assistance, blaming you for not fixing your status when you don't have the tools and info to do so.

2) Isolation from family (huge controlling red flag). Your family is in Mexico, you get along with your in laws, but he stopped communication against your will, regardless of whether they don't accept him. His poor relationship is not reason to isolate you from your relationships.

3) Isolation from community: You don't have a driver's license, but he won't take you out or help with grocery shopping. Other big red flags that he's controlling you

4) Ignore the victim blaming- "well, if you just called him by the right pronouns, he wouldn't scream at you". He is an adult in control of his behavior, and there's no reason for verbal abuse.

5) This is another common DV red flag- the abuser will manipulate you with children or pets, or try to strike bargains with you, or otherwise control you. "If you do this, then I'll get baby formula, but only if you do this. OH WAIT, you didn't do it, so its your own fault. No baby formula". That's not how relationships are supposed to work!

6) Clear abusive behavior to say you need to lose weight and use that as the excuse/manipulation (see above)

7) You need to fix his taxes/immigration- again, see above

8) Economic control- you can't legally get a job or driver's license, and he's controlling you by preventing you from doing so. But yet, its still your fault. You must be lazy- the problem again becomes you, not him. This is another way to make you doubt yourself and stay with him. (on vacation? Seriously? Who would ever tell a stay at home mom that's she's on vacation?)

THANK YOU !

[Illiria 980]

NH.90 thank you for clarifying your original post.

You should leave, the shelters listed by the other posters are a good place to start for support, file for divorce, file a police report (including a restraining order should you feel afraid of your spouses reaction), and contact a lawyer about getting your immigration issues sorted. Order these are done in can be modified as necessary.

As I said in my last two posts I truly hope that you can find peace and sort the immigration issues out, then find someone you are truly happy with as everyone deserves to be happy and no-one ever, ever deserves abuse.

[Villanelle 4,121]

This topic is all over the place and its quite sad- posters arguing and taking offense to things that no one called them out on. Random advice correcting other advice that wasnt even given.

It just needs to stop.

So wiping the slate clean-

Brownbella- Its wonderful to have new voices in this area of the forum. You say you have experience in the DV field and that is wonderful and can provide a dynamic perspective here. However it does not seem as if you (personally) are intimately familiar with VAWA as your post indicated the OP should contact a staff attny. Which I take it to mean you are not a staff attny. But you are familiar with general DV assistance.

What you need to realize is that USCIS has strict guidelines about VAWA- what qualifies for the burden of proof to get approved and what does not. These can differ greatly from what a shelter or other run state programs require to provide assistance.

If you are apply for VAWA under emotional abuse you need to demonstrate that the abuse has changed you from the person you were prior. You need a diagnosis of ptsd, severe anxiety or depression etc. You need a dr report showing treatment and possibly medication. This is the criteria VAWA uses. Vawa also states that adultery, sexual orientation etc are not grounds to file under even if they caused severe emotional distress. Not filing AOS, while many consider abuse- VAWA says NO. That does not count as abuse in their eyes. Sure that may be enough to get you into a shelter or help from other programs but an approved VAWA - no way.

So when people say 'abuse' here and that it doesnt count or its 'not abuse' its not meant in the literal sense. In the context of where we are (an immigration forum) and the topic the are posting in (a do I qualify for VAWA type thread) the answers given are blunt and based on immigration law. Immigration law says that is not going to be enough to prove abuse. That is not abuse by THEIR definition.

----------------------

Do we really need to have a disclaimer on here?

There are far too many 'auto correctors' posting on here lately- picking apart a word here or there and blowing it into a huge issue. If you follow the topic and the context then the words are just relevant to whats around it. Does it have to be that politically correct that when the word abuse comes up it must have a disclaimer that its only refering to abuse as defined by USCIS? If you are reading here you should know that. When someone posts can I get back in with EAD and the answer is sure theres no reason not to, theres also no reason why some auto corrector has to come along and say thats WRONG. there are many reasons they wont let you back in!!! and cause a scene about how the original respondent provided false info by not disclosing to them they can be denied if they took up arms against the US or were a suspected terrorist. Its just ridiculous.

People come here because they are looking for plain English advice as reading the manuals can be like reading a foreign language sometimes.

It doesnt matter if the advice comes from someone anon like me or someone who will give you her business card like Sandra. If the advice is legitimate and can be backed up by a 3rd party source like the USCIS manuals or a state website then its legitimate.

--

on a side note to Illiria, I dont know when you were a victim or what kind of help you received afterwards. But honestly your post still does has underlying tones of victim blaming. Saying, Im trying to help her understand the issues the 'husband' is dealing with.Pointing out that her non compliance is causing issues and exasperating the situation leading to arguments. Well... that is the definition of victim blaming. You might as well say- if you just behaved the way he wants you to, everything would be fine! (honestly with an abuser no matter what she did she would still be wrong and subject to the abuse; its not about using the wrong name, or the dinner being cold or not enough salt. Its about power and control and ANY reason is a reason for the abuser to use)

Couples can have fights and disagreements and one spouse can certainly be non compliant to what the other spouse wants. Its called free will. But how your spouse responds to it- thats what determines mistreatment and abuse.

You should really explore with a therapist your views on such. You may still be dealing with a lot of guilt from your situation and the solution is not to be a people pleaser and keep everything running smoothly with no conflicts. You have the right to be non compliant and the right to not be beaten or mistreated because of it.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

Brownbella she must have a diagnosis of anxiety, and/or major depression and/or post traumatic disorder to file VAWA based in extreme cruelty

For the record I am an attorney since 1989, a DV advocate over 20 years ,and filed over 6.000 Vawa cases, ALL CASES APPROVED. I helped over 500 members from visa journey filing Vawa,without any charge ,all cases were approved .I am a visa journey member almost 10 years, believe me I know about Vawa Law very well.

[Caryh 5,206]

Brownbella she must have a diagnosis of anxiety, and/or major depression and/or post traumatic disorder to file VAWA based in extreme cruelty

For the record I am an attorney since 1989, a DV advocate over 20 years ,and filed over 6.000 Vawa cases, ALL CASES APPROVED. I helped over 500 members from visa journey filing Vawa,without any charge ,all cases were approved .I am a visa journey member almost 10 years, believe me I know about Vawa Law very well.

I've got to say your record is impressive sandraj. And I'm always impressed with how many people you help here. But I have to ask, of your 6000 cases filed and all approved, what percentage do you think were faking it? Or do you not accept cases where you think the client is trying to use VAWA not for the purpose intended, but to stay when the marriage failed but there was no real abuse? I see you often say someone doesn't have a VAWA case, I guess what I'm really asking is, do you say the same to clients walking in your door and send them away?

[Sandra G. 5,016]

Carih I don't help anyone If I believe the person has a fake case,at least 2/3 cases per week I say "NOPE I can't help you, I don't believe in your story". Even with an amazing psychological evaluation If I don't believe what the person is telling me then I do not help at all. I believe scammers don't know how to draft an affidavit . I recognize a fake case as soon I read the affidavit.

Some scammers are approved cause they show "fake" police report/restraining.order,but I talk to each one of them through the phone.I am a former prosecutor and I learned to identify lies and liars,lol

I am using my phone probably I misspelled some words .

[Sandra G. 5,016]

carih during the day I work at Morgan Stanley (attorney), at night and weekends I volunteer to the United NAtion helping to file Vawa(DV advocate).

[Caryh 5,206]

Carih I don't help anyone If I believe the person has a fake case,at least 2/3 cases per week I say "NOPE I can't help you, I don't believe in your story". Even with an amazing psychological evaluation If I don't believe what the person is telling me then I do not help at all. I believe scammers don't know how to draft an affidavit . I recognize a fake case as soon I read the affidavit.

Some scammers are approved cause they show "fake" police report/restraining.order,but I talk to each one of them through the phone.I am a former prosecutor and I learned to identify lies and liars,lol

I am using my phone probably I misspelled some words .

You always seem like a pretty straight shooter here, so I was thinking that had to be the way you had so many cases and all approved. We all know there are those that would like to do anything to stay, so I guessed you had to see a lot of them. But I wouldn't have guessed 2/3's were trying to make a case using VAWA without really having one. I admire you for all the effort you put forth.

[verysadguy 170]

Find a shelter and get out with your baby.

Find Catholic relief services also. They can help provide both legal and immigration services in many parts of the country. When you get to the shelter, they should be able to help point the way.

Caryh is absolutely right, and if you haven't done this yet then you are lagging. Get going for your emotional safety and that of your child.

Yes, sandranj is the real deal folks. NH needs to apply for VAWA with her proof of abuse, affidavits from her acquaintances and supporters, and from a licensed psychologist about her PTSD and depression.

As sandranj said there are a lot of scammers, and this story although far-fetched, does seem real. Get to the Catholic charities now NH and good luck. As much as I hate to say it they helped my ex who was completely fraudulent. The point being they have the expertise and services often to help you prevail through a stressful situation.

[brownbella 13]

This topic is all over the place and its quite sad- posters arguing and taking offense to things that no one called them out on. Random advice correcting other advice that wasnt even given.

It just needs to stop.

So wiping the slate clean-

Brownbella- Its wonderful to have new voices in this area of the forum. You say you have experience in the DV field and that is wonderful and can provide a dynamic perspective here. However it does not seem as if you (personally) are intimately familiar with VAWA as your post indicated the OP should contact a staff attny. Which I take it to mean you are not a staff attny. But you are familiar with general DV assistance.

Just as their are jailhouse lawyers, there are also many Internet forum lawyers or legal "experts". I would always recommend for anyone to contact an attorney to evaluate the facts of their specific case and explore options. I specifically recommended a staff attorney at a nonprofit because these are the folks who do these cases. Gender based claims are very specific, and most immigration attorneys do not have experience in this area.

My responses to the OP were primarily intended to validate her in the face of many critics (internet lawyers) saying she has experienced no abuse and therefore is "faking it" so to speak, not to discuss whether the abuse arises to the level of VAWA eligibility. I have worked with folks who had multiple eligibilities for VAWA, U or T visa, and only a licensed attorney (with experience-probably a staff attorney at a nonprofit) can evaluate her case. We do not know the facts of her case. The OP should contact a staff attorney, who can probably take her case for little or no cost, not seek help on a DIY internet forum. This is not a DIY case.

[brownbella 13]

For the record I am an attorney since 1989, a DV advocate over 20 years ,and filed over 6.000 Vawa cases, ALL CASES APPROVED. I helped over 500 members from visa journey filing Vawa,without any charge ,all cases were approved .I am a visa journey member almost 10 years, believe me I know about Vawa Law very well.

If you've been the attorney of record for over 500 members of this forum, then I truly commend you. How exciting to have had a 100% success rate, too.

[Boiler 43,430]

I have seen many waiver lawyers same the same, all about pre selecting cases you know will fly.