VAWA help?

[NH.90 5]

Hello, I don't know if I'm posting this in the right thread. If not, please redirect it where it should be.

I am a 23 year old mexican woman. I'm living in Florida and I don't know what to do.

I married who I thought was the love of my life when I was 21, I came here on a visitor visa, he proposed and we got married the next week, we didn't know that I had to wait in Mexico so he could ask for me on a fiance visa. Well, I stayed here and for a moment we were happy. When we tried fixing my papers, he had some taxes problems and so we couldn't. He told me to get everything fixed myself, that if a lawyer could do it, so could I.

We got married on December of 2012, on February of 2013 he told me a secret that I practically begged out of him since he hadn't been himself lately, and he confessed that he had always wanted to be a girl, that he was transgender. My whole world broke down. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. But nothing could sway his decision, ever since the emotional abuse he has put me through, has been unbearable. The only thing that keeps me going is my baby girl.

I have read about VAWA and I don't know if I am eligible to ask for help. I had a 1-94 permit that expired on april of 2013. So I don't know what my status is, and my husband won't help me fix my papers, saying it;s all my fault.

He does not let me talk to his family, though his mother and sister are very fond of me. He stopped the communication because he is going through his transition and they wouldn't accept him. He has forced me to call him only by female pronouns, screams at me all the time, refuses to take me out, refuses to do grocery shopping (he does it about once every 3 months) the only reason I have been eating is because my dad has a credit card that he pays for me from Mexico. He forbids me to refer to him as ''my husband'', he loses his temper completely if by mistake I call him by his old name. (His male name)

My husband is incredibly mean to me, he has a lot of money that he spends buying make up , and getting laser appoinments, and sometimes refuses to cover my basic needs, but he always bought the stuff I needed for the baby, until yesterday when he said he just didn't feel like buying formula and that he would get it today.

I have been forced to watch the man I love becoming a woman, and I'm not against that if that's what he wants but his treatment of me is, I have no other way to describe it, cruel. He says that I should lose weight and that's why he doesn't buy me groceries. He expects me to fix his taxes and my papers even though I have no idea what I'm suppoused to do, he used to make me cry on a daily basis but I stopped and always put a smile for my daughter who unaware of what is going on, is a very happy and healthy baby.

He always tells me that I should pull my weight and get a job because taking care of the baby is just a vacation and he does not want to pay for me anymore, even though I never ask anything of him but what the baby needs. I haven't slept through the night in 11 months because I am the sole caretaker of our baby. He plays with her sometimes, and absolutely refuses me to teach her the word daddy.

This is heartbreaking for me, but the only reason I have put up with so much is because I cannot live without my daughter. I'm a good mom, she is healthy, and happy, and nurtured, always clean and I have schedules for her.

But he has always said that if I try to leave he will take my daughter from me, and I need her and she needs me, she is everything to me.

I don't have any money, I don't know what my rights are since my papers aren't being processed. All I know is that I need a better future for my daughter and me.

Please help me.

[sco/wen 3]

Is this for real ?

Hire a lawyer now. If you are married and he has a lot money then so do you.

[kzielu 1,147]

And where exactly is that emotional abuse here ?

[NH.90 5]

Is this for real ?

Hire a lawyer now. If you are married and he has a lot money then so do you.

But I'm not an american citizen and I'm afraid what he would do when he finds out I hired a lawyer.

And where exactly is that emotional abuse here ?

Are you serious? Did you read the whole thing?

[kzielu 1,147]

But I'm not an american citizen and I'm afraid what he would do when he finds out I hired a lawyer.

Are you serious? Did you read the whole thing?

Of course, that's why I am asking...

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from Fam.-based AOS to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Similar topics are often discussed at this forum~

[HafsaJawwad 39]

I don't really know what to say about this story on a personal level, but here is some information about filing fro VAWA. I hope you can find the help you are looking for and things will be okay for you and your child.

http://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-parents

[Caryh 5,206]

Find a shelter and get out with your baby.

http://www.fcadv.org/centers/local-centers

Find Catholic relief services also. They can help provide both legal and immigration services in many parts of the country. When you get to the shelter, they should be able to help point the way.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

Join the thread vawa part 5.

Kzielu I advise you to Google about mental abuse,because there is always room to get information ,and Google about being wise,and have compassion as well.

[tuckin14 58]

You haven't given any indication of his financial status. In general, you can file for a legal separation and if the financial circumstances warrant, the court will award temporary alimony and child support.

I'm thinking of the scene in Monty Python's Life of Brian where Eric Idle says "I want to be a woman. From now on I want you to call me Loretta." It's funny when Eric Idle does it. Not so funny in real life.

Obviously leaving and asking for a legal separation and spousal/child support is a significant step, but remember, thousands of spouses do it all the time. I'm going to my lawyer's office tomorrow to sign the divorce filing, which will get served on my (immigrant) wife next week, and it's pretty traumatic even though we've effectively been separated for a year and neither is under financial stress.

If you have good cause, the court will issue a restraining order basically saying that if he comes near you, he will go to jail. However they will probably only do that if there is a history or threats of physical violence.

It's not possible to live with one foot in and one foot out. In a small number of cases, the act of filing for divorce can be a catalyst to open conversation that was closed, but this (wo)man is pretty far gone. I mean, even if (s)he were the most wonderful person in the world, it would be pretty normal to say "I want to be married to a man, not a woman."

You have to initiate the divorce proceedings. Frankly, I think that any immigration officer with the slightest degree of compassion would say (assuming you had some reasonable proof of his gender reassignment) that you have a child, that's enough bona fides for them, I think all you'd have to do is be believable when you say you didn't know about this before you got married and they'd be pretty accommodating to your immigration.

But still, this board isn't a substitute for legal representation in complicated cases. It's fine for people to trade tips and experiences on uncomplicated cases and how to keep them uncomplicated. I don't know what lawyers charge really. My wife's lawyer charges $250 for a consultation (that's what his website says). I worked for a large software company that frequently transferred employees from India to the USA and of course they had top-flight legal talent to represent them. The lawyer I consulted (I'm not the applicant, I don't have a lot at stake) is a storefront lawyer in the smallish town I live in, it's a very poor town, he charges $30 for a consultation. Does the $250 lawyer know 8 times as much as he does? Maybe he knows more, but I doubt 8 times as much. Saying "I can't afford a lawyer" - um - how much is it worth to not have your life turned upside down?

[Sandra G. 5,016]

His gender reassignment is not ground for Vawa, you have to prove that you are being subject to extreme cruelty(mental abuse).Mental abuse is a pattern characterized by control,humiliation,degradation,threat,isolation etc..but to have a Vawa based in extreme cruelty approved you need to have a psychological evaluation done and you should be diagnosed with major depression and or post traumatic disorder. Attending therapy you have to explore the abuse endured, and not his sexuality, since Vawa Unit stated in several Vawa decisions that sexual orientation, and infidelity are not considered abuse.

[Illiria 980]

I usually try and not be heavy handed when writing advice on here but sometimes a post will really get my goat as it were.

Firstly I will address your immigration issues - you have overstayed a visitor visa. By quite a bit. You need a lawyer, one that knows how to deal with your specific immigration issues of overstay.

Now for the relationship stuff - I get that you are upset as it must have been a shock to you especially if you had not seen any evidence of it prior to her coming out.

Whilst I don't agree with the way she is responding to it, with the shouting, you have in effect refused to accept her wish to change gender by trying to impose the male gender back onto her. By trying to teach your child to call her daddy you are in fact causing emotional pain to her. She has responded in kind.

She buys your daughter the stuff she needs and the one time she is too tired and busy to do it right away but says will do it the next day you claim that isn't providing? No that's called not needing to do something at your beck and call, and unless you were out of formula completely then this isn't too bad just a bit inconsiderate. Of course she is going to fight to keep at least partial custody, she has a right as a biological parent. You cannot stop her applying for the right to see her child.

Get a divorce, it is obvious that you do not wish to remain married to this person as they no longer identify as the gender you are attracted to.

[Taureti 12]

Everyone reacts different in the situation like this.

This lady fell in love with the MAN. He was the man. He changes his mind, he forces her say thing she doesn't want to say ( like calling her husband, she). He doesn't buy her food, because she got some extra weight ... come on .. :/

I would lose my mind in the situation like this, because her hands are tied. He is stating he is going to take the baby away. Does she have a lot of choices here ?

Good person would let her go without threatening to take her child away. He is not that good person.

[Illiria 980]

Would you like someone calling you by the wrong name or gender? It sucks no wonder she gets annoyed at the OP. I was constantly being called the wrong name in school and it used to make me so mad, still does actually. When it is a stranger it is one thing but if it is the person you thought loved you no matter what, it must hurt ten times more.

Maybe the OP had threatened to leave the state or country then that could have been why she threatened to go for full custody. Fear of losing ones child can do things to you. I know someone who puts up with the craziest stuff from his ex just so he can continue seeing his kids even though he has a court order that should guarantee it he still has issues with her guilt tripping the kids into spending holidays they should be with him with her instead. He says nothing as he doesn't want her to make the kids lives any more difficult.

It isnt like OP was prevented from leaving the house at all and buying their own food she just wouldn't pay for it, OP says herself that food was paid using family's credit card. Also food can be delivered nowadays so getting to the shop isn't an issue, safeway for instance does online ordering.

I do think her saying OP should get a job as looking after the child is a holiday is a terrible thing to say but is not abuse. Stupid thing to say maybe considering it is illegal if not authorised to work but not abusive.

Yes I get that she fell in love with a man but that person has realised they do not want to be a man and so the OP trying to reinforce a male gender on her is not going to help and wont result in what the OP wants which is a husband again. OP should leave her if that is something they cant accept.

You wouldn't say forcing if they were asking to be called by a new male name so why is it forcing now they have decided to change their name to a female one and a new gender indicator.

The OP should divorce and try and sort out their immigration issues using a lawyer, this is now too complicated to try and do on your own.

Personally I did do all of the immigration stuff myself. I made sure I was never out of status and I did my husbands taxes this year when he asked me to. He has a job and I didn't at the time. I saw it as helping us by helping him as he didnt have the time to do the research for it needed. I took responsibility of my status as I am the one it will affect. My husband and I also have an agreement about childcare as he is always going to be higher paid than me it makes sense for me to be the sole child carer while he establishes his career.

I really do hope the OP can sort this out and come to some sort of peace with this but forcing her spouse back to maleness is not going to happen.

Edited October 9, 2014 by Illiria

[brownbella 13]

Call your local domestic violence shelter and see if they (or your state coalition) have a staff attorney that can help you with VAWA, probably for free. As someone with over a decade of experience in the field, I see red flags all over your post. Emotional and economic abuse are real and absolutely grounds for VAWA. You don't need to get a PTSD diagnosis or listen to anonymous people on here with no experience in the field- get help for your actual situation. Domestic violence can happen in any family relationship, and its about 2 things: POWER and CONTROL. It sounds like your spouse may feel powerless going through this gender transition, so he is decided to control you to assert his power over you in an unhealthy way. Please contact a local DV program because you are worthy of help, deserve a healthy relationship, and will find better, more appropriate help there than on this internet forum.

Red flags:

1) Refusing to let you acquire legal assistance, blaming you for not fixing your status when you don't have the tools and info to do so.

2) Isolation from family (huge controlling red flag). Your family is in Mexico, you get along with your in laws, but he stopped communication against your will, regardless of whether they don't accept him. His poor relationship is not reason to isolate you from your relationships.

3) Isolation from community: You don't have a driver's license, but he won't take you out or help with grocery shopping. Other big red flags that he's controlling you

4) Ignore the victim blaming- "well, if you just called him by the right pronouns, he wouldn't scream at you". He is an adult in control of his behavior, and there's no reason for verbal abuse.

5) This is another common DV red flag- the abuser will manipulate you with children or pets, or try to strike bargains with you, or otherwise control you. "If you do this, then I'll get baby formula, but only if you do this. OH WAIT, you didn't do it, so its your own fault. No baby formula". That's not how relationships are supposed to work!

6) Clear abusive behavior to say you need to lose weight and use that as the excuse/manipulation (see above)

7) You need to fix his taxes/immigration- again, see above

8) Economic control- you can't legally get a job or driver's license, and he's controlling you by preventing you from doing so. But yet, its still your fault. You must be lazy- the problem again becomes you, not him. This is another way to make you doubt yourself and stay with him. (on vacation? Seriously? Who would ever tell a stay at home mom that's she's on vacation?)

I have read about VAWA and I don't know if I am eligible to ask for help. I had a 1-94 permit that expired on april of 2013. So I don't know what my status is, and my husband won't help me fix my papers, saying it;s all my fault.

He does not let me talk to his family, though his mother and sister are very fond of me. He stopped the communication because he is going through his transition and they wouldn't accept him. He has forced me to call him only by female pronouns, screams at me all the time, refuses to take me out, refuses to do grocery shopping (he does it about once every 3 months) the only reason I have been eating is because my dad has a credit card that he pays for me from Mexico. He forbids me to refer to him as ''my husband'', he loses his temper completely if by mistake I call him by his old name. (His male name)

My husband is incredibly mean to me, he has a lot of money that he spends buying make up , and getting laser appoinments, and sometimes refuses to cover my basic needs, but he always bought the stuff I needed for the baby, until yesterday when he said he just didn't feel like buying formula and that he would get it today.

I have been forced to watch the man I love becoming a woman, and I'm not against that if that's what he wants but his treatment of me is, I have no other way to describe it, cruel. He says that I should lose weight and that's why he doesn't buy me groceries. He expects me to fix his taxes and my papers even though I have no idea what I'm suppoused to do, he used to make me cry on a daily basis but I stopped and always put a smile for my daughter who unaware of what is going on, is a very happy and healthy baby.

He always tells me that I should pull my weight and get a job because taking care of the baby is just a vacation and he does not want to pay for me anymore, even though I never ask anything of him but what the baby needs. I haven't slept through the night in 11 months because I am the sole caretaker of our baby. He plays with her sometimes, and absolutely refuses me to teach her the word daddy.