step children, picky eater

[inlovesalem 17]

So moving here has been hard to adjust to. I have two older girls (15 and 19) who opted to stay in Canada as they both have jobs and well didn't want to leave their friends/bfs...

Hubby has two young girls (4 and 10) and Ive been having a real hard time adjusting. First I feel like I'm "cheating my girls" by parenting his, and secondly, tbh, there is a lot of pieces to pick up with hubby's girls due to lack of parenting on their mother's part. We have them half the time, well we actually have them MORE than half the time because their mother travels often for weeks at a time, yet he pays her child support and double what the medien is here.

Anyhow, besides the move and leaving everything behind to be with the man that I love and building a family with the girls I've grown to adore, I just can't seem to adjust to their way of thinking. Their mother feeds them bread and butter or bagel bites for meals....The oldest is EXTREMELY picky about what she eats to the point she is iron deficient, the youngest I was able to start eating what we eat, so yay for me!

It's been like banging my head against the wall EVERY meal they are here. It's gotten to the point I feel like just giving up and letting the child eat chicken nuggets every night (her palate is limited to nuggets, cheese pizza and mac and cheese). I am wholeheartedly against children eating this way, especially with this deficiency!! I have been able to get her to eat steak and pulled pork as long as I use MY sauce on them, but besides that it's a fight every meal, she's even gotten to the point she's crying over eating foods she likes (I know this is all a control issue on her part, I'm not stupid).

Step parents, am I in the wrong to try and have the child eat better as her stepmom?? Do I just allow her to eat like ####### because her mother doesnt enforce it and hubby is scared if we push she won't want to come over anymore...?

Do I stand my ground?? standing my ground so far has only resulted in arguments with the hubs. I know this isn't just people adjusting status or moving to another country that have to deal with this, but am hoping on some input here, anything!!

Thanks a bunch!!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Your house your rules, within reason.

What does Dad have to say?

[Ontarkie 13,995]

Well if you keep pushing till she is in tears then yes you're wrong. It is your husbands job to enforce the rules not yours if he won't step up then she will she you as the evil stepmother and will fight even harder.Forget how her mother feeds her it will drive you nuts and it's not your business. What happens in her house is hers and yours is yours.

What you can do is start making meals tell her you will not fight with her but you are not making anything else. Do not fight with her at 10 she will only fight back harder. I have one of the worlds pickiest eaters (me) trust me if she really hates something she wont change. If she wants something other than what you serve she can eat a sandwich. She's had 10yrs of eating this way you are not going to change anything without her wanting too and not over night. Find out what else she likes I'm sure if she helps out you will start finding out new foods she will try. Even have her give you ideas for shopping. Make the foods she does like but healthier versions, make chicken nuggets with chicken breast etc. The worse part is if her father won't back you then you are fighting a losing battle. Stop stressing yourself out try to do something that works for you without it making you nuts.

I know it's hard for all, blending families is hard even harder in your situation as your girls are not with you. Another thing i just thought about is has she seen a dentist recently? My cousin found out at 18yrs old why she always hated meat. Her molars didn't line up right so made chewing steak, pork you know real meat almost impossible. Something to think about.

[christeen 966]

Take her on a special shopping trip and have her pick some things out... Cut any veggies really small... Make versions of what she likes (I made a chicken nugget lasagna once ). But make her a part of the process not just subject of it, it might help address some of the control issues...

[Shiobhan 235]

Growing up in my teens 13 + my parents would force me to eat pears, melon carrots, pineapples

cucumbers that I hated, I would say if the girls are respectful with no more major issues,

let them eat what they haave been used to, and talk to them about them eating a proper

meal U prepare on Sundays, try to change kids as a step-parent will only let them push U

away, of course house rules have to be followed but we cannot dictate other palettes.

The nuclear family situation is not easy, didn't U know some of this going in? I am

not blaming U but don't sweat the small things, it will cause U blood-pressure, also

remember U cannot replace mom & they will play U...standing your ground will only cause

U hurt. let the eat nuggets and have a family meeting agreeing to proper Sunday meals

PS: I still eat NONE of that mess above ..my kids does and I am ok

Edited November 13, 2013 by Jihana

[inlovesalem 17]

We (I) don't bring her to tears, she's in tears as soon as she sits down to eat..We never make her eat it, but the problem is she won't even try it.

Potatoes for example, she'll eat if fries at a restaurant (which we put a stop to and now she has to get corn), but if I make them at home, she refuses to even try them.

Basically she will eat more variety if at a restaurant, but if I try to mimic it, she won't even TRY to eat it, she just starts crying.

I had been concerned about her health since I got here (same with the youngest as her belly pertrudes like malnourished, and it's gone down a lot since I got her to eat with us), as for the oldest, her hair was dry and dull and huge purple circles under eyes, and all her clothes were starting to fall off her, I asked hubby to have her bloodwork done and they found iron deficiency. The doctor told the mother she has to have the child eat better that supplements just won't be enough, though of course that is all the mother went and did, and refuses to take the time to co operate with us on getting her eating better...I would understand if she tried things and didn't like them, but she won't even try anything that looks new...I hide the meat in something she normally eats and I also blend veggies into anything I can, but she detects it right away and stops eating, thought I got the steak past her and had her try it alone and was shocked she did, and liked it!!

Besides that she just refuses to try anything, I'm more upset that her father has also given up on her... I feel like I am the only one that cares enough to do something about it. But you are right it really isn't my place to enforce something her own parents won't.

I was cooking two suppers, and put a stop to it..ridiculous! I wouldn't even do that for my own kids!! Anyhow thanks for the advice, I guess I will just back down and will not be a part of destructing the kids health, that will be on her parents shoulders

Yes, we've tried the her helping to shop, I'll pick up what she asks for within reason, then when I make it, she won't eat it..I know it's all a control issue and yes she does know how to play hubby and I against one another, she's a pro at it!!!
I've tried having her help prepare the meal, again won't eat it once it's done. Promises she will every time but never does...only time she will is if it's my baking, again, I've not baked in so long because if I did she'd just live off the baking...

Edited November 13, 2013 by inlovesalem

[inlovesalem 17]

Sorry, thank you all for the great input, I'll take it all

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I have a picky eater and as someone who grew up with step parents and now has a blended family, I can tell you that you can and should parent as a step parent. You are married to her father and you are now her parent, maybe not her biological one, but trust me that part does in fact matter least of all.

As to getting her to eat, I have a rule that you eat what is served for dinner or you are given two healthy options. You don't want any of it, you can go in your room and come out when you are ready to eat. Otherwise trying to get her to eat something will just result in hours of screaming and crying.

You might also want to try non-traditional food items. My daughter won't eat most fruits or vegetables or even a lot of cuts of meat, but she will eat shrimp, salmon, calamari, goat brie, provolone, pureed green beans and peas (but would never eat them in their regular form), etc.

I wouldn't let her eat what she wants necessarily for dinner ... but I would present the main dinner and she doesn't want that then she has to eat a fruit plate or a vegetable instead.

[Ontarkie 13,995]

It really is the worse when her father is letting her get way. Work on the younger one as it is less of a fight. You can only do so much. Hiding the veggies never worked for me either. I can really taste some things the second it touches my tongue. Some foods if things are cooked together the flavour transfers and will completely ruin the meal for me. With her it sounds more like a battle she wants to keep up to cause issues. Let it be it's not worth it when you don't have the back up you need.

[MIDUVIL 34]

I have a picky eater son (almost 4), so i can understand, it has never been easy and is still not.

He loves pasta, bread, bagel, french fries...
Today, I mixed pasta-tuna salad-mixed vegetables. He was screaming (as always) because he saw the mixed vegetables in his pasta.

Your husband needs to be involved, and if the mother travels often maybe she doesn't have anywhere else to leave the children, in this case they will more likely to stay with you. Even if they don't like it or not.

What I'm trying to do with my son it's to add little by little more vegetable in his food, he is young so i can play with him, hide some vegetables. At 10, you will more likely need another apporach, like she helps you to buy or prepare the food. It can be one day, her turn to cook (under supervision) for all the family- with vegetable. She can help you make chicken fingers. She can do all the preparation, and you cook them. It's easy.

I recently did some (twice). My picky eater son liked them (ate them the second time, not the first time- and because his dad buys sometimes chicken wings).

I'm doing also a lot of smoothies, my son helped me one time (I don't remember that he liked his smoothie much more than mine), but I have to be perseverant. But in a way, that will help her to be involved in what she is eating.

If you have time, you can do some researches with her, on the importance of the different food, nutrients...

and little by little remove the chicken nuggets out of your house.

-The things is that she is playing with you. When i think that my son is able to drink a tablespoon of cod liver oil with my husband, and me I have to wrestle 1 hour with him for him to eat a sweet pea, I'm furious against some dads.

And with my nephews it's the same, my sister have 2 picky eaters, but they are able to eat garlic if their dad asks them to do it.

I wish you my best luck.

It's great that somebody is caring about the health of those children. I'm so shocked when I see that the only dream of american it's to feed their children with cupcakes, donut's....

[inlovesalem 17]

AHA! just figured how to quote several at a time *shocker the multiquote button* Buahhaaa

It really is the worse when her father is letting her get way. Work on the younger one as it is less of a fight. You can only do so much. Hiding the veggies never worked for me either. I can really taste some things the second it touches my tongue. Some foods if things are cooked together the flavour transfers and will completely ruin the meal for me. With her it sounds more like a battle she wants to keep up to cause issues. Let it be it's not worth it when you don't have the back up you need.

This is the biggest issue of all, I have NO backup anymore. I can understand he is worried his kids won't want to come over anymore if pushed to much (though I don't think that will ever be the case as their mother makes no time for them, and when she does occasionally have them she leaves with her parents) She is a lazy parent if you even want to call her a parent....he gave in to her, letting her have cereals for supper instead of even TRYING what I make...soo damn frustrating...

I have a picky eater son (almost 4), so i can understand, it has never been easy and is still not.

He loves pasta, bread, bagel, french fries...
Today, I mixed pasta-tuna salad-mixed vegetables. He was screaming (as always) because he saw the mixed vegetables in his pasta.

Your husband needs to be involved, and if the mother travels often maybe she doesn't have anywhere else to leave the children, in this case they will more likely to stay with you. Even if they don't like it or not.

What I'm trying to do with my son it's to add little by little more vegetable in his food, he is young so i can play with him, hide some vegetables. At 10, you will more likely need another apporach, like she helps you to buy or prepare the food. It can be one day, her turn to cook (under supervision) for all the family- with vegetable. She can help you make chicken fingers. She can do all the preparation, and you cook them. It's easy.

I recently did some (twice). My picky eater son liked them (ate them the second time, not the first time- and because his dad buys sometimes chicken wings).

I'm doing also a lot of smoothies, my son helped me one time (I don't remember that he liked his smoothie much more than mine), but I have to be perseverant. But in a way, that will help her to be involved in what she is eating.

If you have time, you can do some researches with her, on the importance of the different food, nutrients...

and little by little remove the chicken nuggets out of your house.

-The things is that she is playing with you. When i think that my son is able to drink a tablespoon of cod liver oil with my husband, and me I have to wrestle 1 hour with him for him to eat a sweet pea, I'm furious against some dads.

And with my nephews it's the same, my sister have 2 picky eaters, but they are able to eat garlic if their dad asks them to do it.

I wish you my best luck.

It's great that somebody is caring about the health of those children. I'm so shocked when I see that the only dream of american it's to feed their children with cupcakes, donut's....

Thank you for your story..I think the thing is, if they were MINE biologically, it would be a whole other story. I have to walk on eggshells around the girls with him, so basically as soon as they walk in the door, my stress levels goes up and there's an immediate tension. If mine well they wouldnt have a choice and I'd be able to discipline accordingly...he wants me to "parent" yet argues with me in front of them when I speak up about something. And I'm just not the type to back down about something I am set against..this isn't about being a mean step mom, it's about being the only damn person that can see she is controlling the mood around the dinner table and that is willing to take on the "fight" about having her eat better...not only do I know it has to be done, her dr has told the parents to MAKE HER EAT BETTER or else!!! but they've giving up...but I'm the bad guy??

I have a picky eater and as someone who grew up with step parents and now has a blended family, I can tell you that you can and should parent as a step parent. You are married to her father and you are now her parent, maybe not her biological one, but trust me that part does in fact matter least of all.

As to getting her to eat, I have a rule that you eat what is served for dinner or you are given two healthy options. You don't want any of it, you can go in your room and come out when you are ready to eat. Otherwise trying to get her to eat something will just result in hours of screaming and crying.

You might also want to try non-traditional food items. My daughter won't eat most fruits or vegetables or even a lot of cuts of meat, but she will eat shrimp, salmon, calamari, goat brie, provolone, pureed green beans and peas (but would never eat them in their regular form), etc.

I wouldn't let her eat what she wants necessarily for dinner ... but I would present the main dinner and she doesn't want that then she has to eat a fruit plate or a vegetable instead.

That is what I thought as well....that it was MY responsibilty while under MY care to make sure she is well taken care of in all aspects. But apparently I've overstepped my boundaries by being persistent and giving them structure they never had...They've started picking up after themselves (again the youngest does a better job then the oldest), started bathing regularly (thought EVERY time they come back from their mothers for a long weekend the oldest has a rats next in her hair), eating better to an extent and not sitting in front of the TV ALL DAY on weekends, and oldest if finally starting to get her homework done at nights since I've stepped in...yet, even after everything I have done for these girls I get crapped on for my efforts..I'm seriously stressed right out about this... :/ (BTW, the mother is an Exec, making double hubby makes, so it's not like we should have to be dealing with someone who's on drugs or something)...

[inlovesalem 17]

Ugh, I'm just not used to dealing with this. I've been a "2nd mom" before not through marriage, and the kids loved me. And I was strict with them as well (I don't believe in children running the house), so getting this feedback from hubby that I am overstepping and pushing them away hurts. I love them all and know one day it will get better, I am just over emotional about the whole thing because it's been like a slap in the face today.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Ugh, I'm just not used to dealing with this. I've been a "2nd mom" before not through marriage, and the kids loved me. And I was strict with them as well (I don't believe in children running the house), so getting this feedback from hubby that I am overstepping and pushing them away hurts. I love them all and know one day it will get better, I am just over emotional about the whole thing because it's been like a slap in the face today.

I think this is the problem really, you need to be a united front. I know that the Dane and I try very much to be a united front with everything and I certainly get the death stare if I try and contradict the parenting decision he has just made and of course I feel really stupid for saying she could do something he just said she couldn't! He's obviously her step-father, but we've been living together 14 months now and I think that he feels very much as though he is her father.

I do believe that perhaps you need to sit down when the kids aren't around and really hash this out. Part of love is setting boundaries and making sure kids are healthy and well taken care of despite their protests to the contrary. I do not envy your situation and I hope that the two of you can work it out.

[apple21 953]

I have one rule on picky eating and I have implemented this on my own children from the time they were toddlers.

Whenever they have the picky tantrums, I just let them be. I don't force them to eat. Once they feel the hunger and their stomach growling they will eat whatever food I put on the table. Make sure they don't have access to other stuff like cookies or chips. Give them milk or fruit juice until they decide to eat.

[inlovesalem 17]

I have one rule on picky eating and I have implemented this on my own children from the time they were toddlers.

Whenever they have the picky tantrums, I just let them be. I don't force them to eat. Once they feel the hunger and their stomach growling they will eat whatever food I put on the table. Make sure they don't have access to other stuff like cookies or chips. Give them milk or fruit juice until they decide to eat.

She actually welcomes and has asked to just be sent to room. I'm not kidding when I say it's all about controlling the situation with her. We cannot win in this situation, she's like an old woman set in her ways. His family sees and appreciates what I have done for the girls, and commend me on my efforts, and his sister is even like me when it comes to meal times if she is here, she is not afraid to set the girls straight about whining at the table..but when I do, I'm the b*tch...

I think this is the problem really, you need to be a united front. I know that the Dane and I try very much to be a united front with everything and I certainly get the death stare if I try and contradict the parenting decision he has just made and of course I feel really stupid for saying she could do something he just said she couldn't! He's obviously her step-father, but we've been living together 14 months now and I think that he feels very much as though he is her father.

I do believe that perhaps you need to sit down when the kids aren't around and really hash this out. Part of love is setting boundaries and making sure kids are healthy and well taken care of despite their protests to the contrary. I do not envy your situation and I hope that the two of you can work it out.

I know this..we done well for awhile. We were united and we backed one another up.. she's notorious for asking for something I just said no to seconds before if I leave the room, knowing he will say yes, so we fight. Thing is, if you ever met the kid, you'd never know, she's sweet as pie and very soft spoken, not what you'd picture as a trouble child. Though she's definitely troubled. her mother pines her against us, because she hates hearing about things I do with them, and it took hubby 8 yrs of dating to marry her....LOL...anyhow, she hates us, and I know is in her daughters ear..

Anyhow we were united, until hubby lost his temper at the table with her, she cried to mother, and the mother warned him she'd take him back to court, so since then the daughter has refused to eat ANYTHING I make.....ANYTHING. (hubby yelled at her which he doesn't normally do)..so she knows mother has her back on this...it's gotten ridiculous really...so to answer previous question, yea I knew the child had bad eating habits before I married him, but I didn't know he would give up on the efforts because of his wife's threat which are BOLOGNA, she wouldnt as if she did, she'd lose custody and her child support, as we've already spoken to attorney about some of the things we've witnessed by her and it is actually regarded as criminal neglect some of it. But he won't listen to me...