Another heartbreak

[jhwh303 10]

First off. I never in a million years thought I'd be posting a topic in this part of the forum.

But I guess bad things can happen to anyone. I need help figuring out what to do, and I need this forum to vent and get some advice.

I am an active member on this forum, and I apologize that I’m not posting under my regular username, but quite frankly, I’m too embarrassed and humiliated to. I’ve made many great friends on this forum, some I’ve even met in person. Most of you would recognize me if I posted under my regular username, and many of you will likely figure out who I am from the timelines of this post. But for right now, I want to remain anonymous, and I hope that you all will all respect that. You can PM me if you know who I am.

I apologize in advance if this post becomes repetitive or incoherent. I just need to vent..

Here's the gist of what has happened..

We met 4 years ago, began dating 3.5 years ago. We're 2 months short of our 2 year wedding anniversary. We got married in the US, but did not file for AOS. Instead, she came with me back to my country and stayed. After 10 months, we finally decided that overall, it would be best if we settled in the US. This decision was based on her not speaking the language, me speaking fluent English. Her knowing nothing about my country’s lifestyle, while I had my entire education in the US. And quite frankly, she didn’t like my country, I love this country. We met while I was on an F-1, and got married after I graduated. While we were still young, the decision to get married was taken in part due to her family being skeptical of us living together without being married, in part due to us both knowing that we wouldn't be able to live together, neither in my country nor the US unless we were married, and most of all, because we knew we wanted to spend our lives together. We filed the I-130 11 months after our wedding. (She was "living" in my country as a tourist) - And when we finally decided on a country to file in, she was on her 80th day of 90 allowed in my country. She went back to the US and filed the I-130 immediately. Since then, I visited her on the VWP a couple of times, and she visited me once.

10 months after initial filing, I finally arrived in the US on a CR-1 visa 6 weeks ago.

The distance killed us. It was tough. It was hard. Even though we were lucky enough to see each other for a few weeks with 3 month intervals, it was excruciating. Most members here know what I'm talking about. However, we made it work.

Anyway. I arrived here 6 weeks ago. Things were great. Aside from the normal issues like not knowing anyone here, and having to start from scratch with a job, things were great. I loved it here (still do to an extent). Until this week. I found something I shouldn't have.....

In a nut shell. She had an affair.

Sigh.. It makes me sick to my stomach to even talk about this. I already knew of an "incident" a few years ago where she admitted that she had previously kissed another guy, felt horrible and came clean to me. We fought about it, made up, and forgot about it. This time, it's way more serious. I confronted her about what I found. She got stumped, and she basically said "Does it really matter now?" and literally said "If I confirm this.. What are you going to do?" - I immediately yelled "You just did confirm it!" and broke down. Her first reaction was to apologize while I was crying. When I got mad, her reaction turned defensive arguing that it was only because of the distance, and it wouldn't have happened if I was here. She also tried to blame me for it, because I hadn't done enough sweet things for her during the time apart, and this guy did. Hello!!! You MARRIED ME!!! I must have done something right! This happened during the summer, before she came on a vacation with me and my family. I haven't probed too much into it, I can't for my own sanity's sake, and she keeps telling me "don't ask, it'll only make it worse" but I know enough to know that this wasn't a one time thing either. It was a fling. She has assured me that she doesn't speak to the guy anymore, and that he does not even live in this city. Apparently, this guy was a temporary "step-in" for me. But here's another shocker. The guy, as I came to find out, is married also.

She slept at a coworker's house last night. I've gotten about 6 hours worth of sleep in the last couple of nights combined. I made her breakfast this morning and went to her work to give it to her.. It was slightly awkward, we didn't really speak. I have no idea what to do really..

I love her. I love her to death. I'd take a bullet for this woman. I brought her into my family. I was warmly welcomed into hers. I can't even imagine what her mother would do if she found out. I don't want anyone to find out. This is just so humiliating, embarrassing and painful. I want to work things out, but I just don't trust her. I have no idea if this was a one time thing, or if it has happened before too during other times of separation. There is no reason for me to believe that it hasn't happened before, other than her word. Which I don't trust one bit. And that’s my problem. I love her enough to forgive a mistake. I love her enough to forgive practically anything. But I also love her enough that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. And that scares me, because that is not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

This is an extremely difficult situation. I love her so much, and I meant what I said when I told her "I do." This is fairly fresh in my head, and not something I was mentally prepared for at all. I still have to pinch myself in the arm to remember that this is real. That it isn't a nightmare.

I have no money. While I at least have a job here (I started working part-time recently), it isn't a great income. All my financial resources have been spent on this process, moving, and on visits and vacations during the process. I even paid the deposit and rent on her old apartment which I never got to live in.. But that she apparently had a guy visit quite frequently.. I feel like barfing just at the mere thought of this. Seriously, I feel physically ill. I quit my job back home back in August, thinking the interview was at most a month away (turned out to be 3 months away and another month to receive the visa). I have nowhere to go. I don't know anyone in this state, other than my wife and our roommate. I can't face my parents. I can't even face my friends. I struggle to look at her even. In essence, I have nothing for me here, except a wife who.. Yea.. I have nothing to go back to in my country either, except my parents' house.

So far I've only told one member on here in private, and one of my good friends from college back on the west coast. He has offered me a place to at least sleep - But that's thousands of miles away, on the west coast.

I'm really not in a position to be thinking about immigration related matters right now. At this point I don't want to stay. At least not in this city/state. But I know that if I leave, it's over for good. And I'm not ready to make that decision at this time. I want to be firm. But I’m not thinking rationally now. I don’t want to make huge mistakes while I’m in a state of shock. To top this off, I had a job interview last week for a very good job here in this city, full-time and with excellent compensation. They called me back yesterday and I had no idea what to really say to them. One of the things they pushed me on was longevity. “We want to make sure you’re not going to quit anytime soon.” – To which my response was “I’m not going anywhere.” Luckily, I’m only hired on the condition of passing a background check – which I find out the result of in a week or so.. Gives me more time to think..

For now, my options are these:

1. Stay here, try to work things out. (Not sure if I can, though I want to)

2. Stay here, separate, see where time and distance takes me/us. (Not sure if I can stay here without her. This place is tainted to me)

3. Leave, crash at a friend's/aunt's/cousin's house in a different state and see where time and distance takes me/us.

4. Leave, go back home.

If I went home, got a divorce and abandoned my green card, how difficult would it be to come back to visit or for graduate school?

If I chose to stay and work things out, how difficult would it be to file a joint I-751 with a period of separation in the middle?

If I chose to stay in the country, and get a divorce, how difficult would it be to file an I-751 divorce waiver?

I'm shaking right now.. Can't believe I'm posting this..

[Houstontx 1]

The choice is yours to stay or go. I amsorry t hear about this. I hope you take it one day at a time and think about if the pain and dis trust worth fighting for this relationship.

God bless you man.

[Newbie608 103]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. At the end of the day, the decision is yours. There's a lot of thing you have to take into consideration so I would suggest take time in thinking this through.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

First off, my sincere condolences. My marriage went t!ts up due to infidelity 11 months after we entered the US, despite having lived together abroad for a couple of years before we made the move. He and I tried to reconcile for almost a year while living separately, and did six months of marital therapy. Ultimately, though, you both have to be committed to counselling to make it work, and he wasn't. (In retrospect, although the break-up was cataclysmic, I've come out the other end happier and healthier than I've ever been as an adult.)

You need to step back from all of this for a while, even though it is all you can think about (and will be for some time). What is the outcome you desire most of all? Is that outcome realistic? Does it involve her? Does she want to be involved?

There are many on here who will say once a cheater, always a cheater. Personally, I don't agree that this is always the case. But you do need to look at your wife's history in this matter, and determine whether you can trust her. I don't know about you, but what was most painful to me was that he lied to me. Not being with another woman, but all the lies. He still lies to me about what happened, even though he and I have grown to be friends again. When you marry someone, you open yourself to them completely, bring them yourself and trust them with your heart and soul and body. Breaking that trust can be fatal. Only you and she know whether the trust can be rebuilt.

My best advice would be not to do anything rash right now, when you are at your most vulnerable and most raw. It feels surreal, like you're walking in a dream, I know. If you can stay with friends now, do. Talk to your friends and family. They know you best. There are people on here who will tell you to go home, you have nothing invested here. Only you know how much you have invested here, in terms of life and relationship.

It is your decision. Be strong, and take courage.

[samename 28]

I am really sorry about your situation.Since this just came to light,i say what you need now is some time to sort out your feelings.Please,take the time to talk it out with her and keep talking ,until you figure out what is best for you both.I will say this,The human spirit can endure more that we give ourselves credit for. At this moment you feel you will never be able to forgive her and move forward with the relationship.I would ask you to think (just think) about opening up the lines of communication with her and envision that there are other options in your case that involve her and a possible reconciliation.

Btw there is NOTHING to feel embarassed about.If you need another ear to listen email me.I'll be praying for you.

[Sandra G. 5,016]

I can feel your pain. In my opinion once a cheater always a cheater.I am sorry but I don't believe in the bs of couples counseling to overcome cheating.Some people will be capable of forgiving an unfaithful partner, but I wouldn't forgive and forget,period!. The relationship will never be the same and life is way too short to spend it in bad relationships.Cheating in a marriage can be similar to mourning the death of a loved one, because of that take your time to vent,to cry etc, but do not take any decision right now. Give to yourself a few days,maybe 1/2 weeks to think about what your relationship with her.But keep in mind respect comes before love, and she failed big time.

I, Sandra, I if I were in your shoes I'd accept the job offer, in case they offer you the job,file for divorced based in adultery, to prove to USCIS that you left her because she cheated on you, to prove you entered into a bona fide marriage and she screw up, and not that you just left her after entering in the USA. Once you prove you entered into a bona fide marriage you will be ok, but I don't see how can you prove that without a divorce decree based in adultery.Good luck.

Edited January 11, 2013 by sandranj

[Villanelle 4,121]

Simple answers:

If I went home, got a divorce and abandoned my green card, how difficult would it be to come back to visit or for graduate school?

Since I dont know who you are- Depending on where youre from (what passport you hold) traveling to the US can be difficult or hard. How hard was it before to travel to the US? If youre from Europe, typically you can travel to the US easily and stay for up to 90 days. Student visas are also pretty easy to get. You can search for specific info on google.

If I chose to stay and work things out, how difficult would it be to file a joint I-751 with a period of separation in the middle?

Depends on what you mean when you say period of separation. Are you familiar with the evidence needed for ROC? If not take a look. If by period of separation you mean youre going to go stay with a friend or family member for a few weeks, then thats not a problem. As long as you and your spouse maintain the same joint residence, keep the same IDs with the same addresses listed, continue to have bills with the same addresses on it, etc, your proof for ROC wont show any interruptions. However if by period of separation you mean- you intend to leave the joint residence and move into a separate residence-- then that will negatively impact your ROC. You no longer have a bonafide marriage, which is what you need to prove to successfully remove conditions.

If I chose to stay in the country, and get a divorce, how difficult would it be to file an I-751 divorce waiver?

Theres many threads on how to file for ROC after divorce. You simply submit evidence that you entered the marriage in god faith. It would include things like proof you and your spouse resided together during the marriage and co-mingled finances and assets. You would also include the divorce decree.

[jhwh303 10]

Thank you all for your responses so far. I've had a few days to think since this happened, but haven't gotten myself to post about this until today..

Capri, I am from a western European country, and have traveled to the US frequently with no problems. Both before and after getting married.

If we were to separate, I would stay temporarily with some family members or friends in a different state. Until we could maybe hopefully reconcile. I don't want to leave, but it's also very difficult to stay in this apartment with her. With all her stuff here. All of our stuff.

As far as evidence for a possible ROC waiver I don't have much. I've only been here for 6 weeks.. I'm listed as her husband as emergency contact on her ID, we have a joint bank account, both our names on the car insurance, family cell phone plan, and some utility bills, not in both names, but the electric and water are in her name, cable is in mine - both for the same address. I'm not listed on the apartment lease as her and our roommate signed it a few months before I arrived. We are about to add me on the car though.. We have 3.5 years worth of photos together, both with friends, family and on vacation in different countries. I suppose I could get tons of affidavits from friends and her family too. Maybe even her depending on what happens. And.. We did leave the US immediately after our wedding (I was in valid F-1 status) and didn't file the I-130 til 11 months after the wedding when we finally decided to move.. Plus, I received my visa only 3 months before the 2 year wedding anniversary..

Sandranj and the maven - That's exactly why I'm so worried.. I feel like I won't be able to look at her the same way again. I won't say never, but I just don't want to sit here in 2, 3, 10 years and still look at my wife as the woman who betrayed me. It's not so much about the lying, believe it or not.. She never lied directly to my face as far as I know. She just didn't tell me. Or in her words.. "You never asked." What really hurt aside from the mere thought of her with another man, is the fact that she got defensive and partially blamed me..

[jhwh303 10]

First off, my sincere condolences. My marriage went t!ts up due to infidelity 11 months after we entered the US, despite having lived together abroad for a couple of years before we made the move. He and I tried to reconcile for almost a year while living separately, and did six months of marital therapy. Ultimately, though, you both have to be committed to counselling to make it work, and he wasn't. (In retrospect, although the break-up was cataclysmic, I've come out the other end happier and healthier than I've ever been as an adult.)You need to step back from all of this for a while, even though it is all you can think about (and will be for some time). What is the outcome you desire most of all? Is that outcome realistic? Does it involve her? Does she want to be involved? There are many on here who will say once a cheater, always a cheater. Personally, I don't agree that this is always the case. But you do need to look at your wife's history in this matter, and determine whether you can trust her. I don't know about you, but what was most painful to me was that he lied to me. Not being with another woman, but all the lies. He still lies to me about what happened, even though he and I have grown to be friends again. When you marry someone, you open yourself to them completely, bring them yourself and trust them with your heart and soul and body. Breaking that trust can be fatal. Only you and she know whether the trust can be rebuilt.My best advice would be not to do anything rash right now, when you are at your most vulnerable and most raw. It feels surreal, like you're walking in a dream, I know. If you can stay with friends now, do. Talk to your friends and family. They know you best. There are people on here who will tell you to go home, you have nothing invested here. Only you know how much you have invested here, in terms of life and relationship.It is your decision. Be strong, and take courage.

Thank you..

I can stay with friends. I have friends here in the US from my college days, but I have none in this city. The closest friend I have is a $200 airfare away.. One-way. But that's not a trip I can make with no job security.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this.. Did you end up staying or going back home?

I am really sorry about your situation.Since this just came to light,i say what you need now is some time to sort out your feelings.Please,take the time to talk it out with her and keep talking ,until you figure out what is best for you both.I will say this,The human spirit can endure more that we give ourselves credit for. At this moment you feel you will never be able to forgive her and move forward with the relationship.I would ask you to think (just think) about opening up the lines of communication with her and envision that there are other options in your case that involve her and a possible reconciliation.Btw there is NOTHING to feel embarassed about.If you need another ear to listen email me.I'll be praying for you.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

At the moment I'm just thinking a million different things. None are very rational. I spoke to another good friend of mine and fellow member of this forum who advised me to just sit down and think about what I want to do.. Make a plan B, a plan C, and a plan D and so forth.

Edited January 11, 2013 by jhwh303

[Christi and Ian 24]

I am so sorry to hear this, I can only imagine how much your heart hurts right now. There are a lot of stories of marriages that have survived infidelity, and they have a few things in common; the one who cheated accepts responsibility for their actions, the one who cheated accepts that their partner is going to be extremely hurt and mistrustful for a while, and they understand and accept the consequences of that, and they talk about what they are missing in their marriage and take steps to remedy that.

For you, this is happening right now, in real time. For her, this happened a while ago. She may not understand that to you it feels like she is cheating on you right now, when she thinks it's over, it's no longer happening, problem solved. It doesn't bode weel that rather than taking all of the responsibility, she chose to blame you for not being sweet enough to her during your separation. She is being defensive, and trying to push some of the blame on you so that she doesn't have to feel as guilty. Her reaction is immature.

That said, you have an enormous investment in her, and she really is so lucky to have someone who loves her so much. You are not going to get over this soon. You might never get ove it. Only time will tell. I agree with The Maven in that you should not make any rash decisions. You need time to heal a bit before you can even discuss her infidelity with a bit less emotion, it could take a week, a month, or longer. When you come to that point, then talk to her. If she still tries to push off the blame, then perhaps counseling is in order, depending on how invested you both are in staying together.

Is she regretful? Is she tearful? Does she want to resolve this as much as you do, or is she quick to say, "I'm going to spend the night somewhere else"?

Only time will heal the wounds, unfortunately, and the deeper the wound, the more time it takes to heal. My suggestion is to take the job offer, move out if you must, even if it's just into a guest room, and work on the friendship, respect and love you felt for each other at the beginning. If it works out, you two can survive anything. If it doesn't, you will be in a much better place emotionally and financially to make the decision about where you want to be.

I really, honestly hope it all works out for you. She is so lucky to have someone that loves her so much. The key will be whether or not she realizes just how lucky she is, and is willing to do the work necessary to repair the damage done.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Glad to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this.. Did you end up staying or going back home?

He was the immigrant -- I'd been living in the UK for 12 years, and we decided to get married so we could move back to the States. (I also figured out that we'd been in the States nearly two years, not 11 months before we separated -- amazing what time will do to your recollection of even the worst of events!) He decided to stay, because he had made friends and had work here, and he wasn't keen on moving home given the state of the economy there.

We tried and tried and tried, though I tried more than he did. I will tell you, he now seriously regrets not trying harder, and for continuing to see the other woman on the sly for a while. He realises he threw away everything -- the respect of some of his friends, his mum and dad, the love he had for me, the deep connection we had together -- for a woman who had nothing to offer him in the end. He had some terrible (and thankfully now former) associates who convinced him that cheating was okay, because he wasn't happy with me. It turned out by his own admission that it was himself he wasn't happy with. He has to live every single day with the guilt of what he put me through. I do not envy him.

You sound like you want to try to at least explore the idea of reconciliation. If your wife is amenable and you trust she is not only contrite, but willing to put in the legwork, think about it. But not now. You need some time, and not just a few days, or a week. You need as long as it takes to make this decision -- do not rush it.

I know how you feel about being at "the scene of the crime." I found out that she had been there with him when I was away on a business trip. It killed me. And in the months that followed, even though we were living apart, most of his stuff was still in the house. I felt like it was haunted by his ghost, and the ghosts of our past happiness. It drove me bananas. I took a six month hiatus from VJ starting the day I discovered the affair. I couldn't stand to read about happy couples. I couldn't face my friends on here. I was consumed by what happened and ultimately it broke me down because I allowed myself to be obsessed with thinking about what happened. I lost a ton of weight. I lost consultancy contracts. I lost a lot of self-respect.

What set me free was accepting what happened, trying to learn from the mistakes, and taking a LOT of time to heal. I now have a new career and the happiest and healthiest relationship I have ever had. It took me two years to get there, but I did it.

The one thing that kept reminding myself, even in the rawest moments, is that whatever he did, he would have to live with, and whatever I did, I would have to live with. That meant nothing I could be ashamed of in years to come. You can be strong and assert yourself without being vindictive. This is the best decision I made, because looking back, I behaved with dignity throughout. It's a thought to keep you going.

If you ever want to drop me a PM, please do.

[Villanelle 4,121]

Im very sorry for what youre going through, and Im really hesitant to offer any kind of personal advice as I dont know you or your spouse and this is a hugely personal situation. A lot of the posters here have already offered some very good points to consider.

Some of the things you have posted though do give me pause for concern. Putting your feelings aside- look at the facts of the situation.

-there was an "incident" a few years ago where she admitted that she had previously kissed another guy and now an affair- not a one night stand, a more then one occasion affair with a married man. There is currently a lack of trust in your relationship. As others have posted w/o trust your relationship will not succeed. In order to rebuild it both parties need to be committed to it. You need to decide for yourself if the relationship is worth saving and evaluate if your spouse is equally committed.

And as for your statement to Sandra of "She never lied directly to my face as far as I know. She just didn't tell me." Im sorry, I strongly disagree with that. Lying by omission is a lie. Or are you suppose to ask your spouse every day- Hi how are you, did you commit adultery today?

As for a possible ROC filing you may want to start a new thread in the ROC forum (snipping a bit of this post explaining youre a CR1 and may be filing due to adultery, have been here 6 weeks this is your evidence is it enough) posting it there would get more attention by more knowledgeable people. Im not a ROC expert but I believe if you do as Sandra suggested and have the divorce granted on grounds of adultery thats a big +. It would explain why you separated after only being in the US for such a short period of time and offset any appearance of 'gc fraud'.

[Jahwaree 83]

Yow bro, theres a saying never eat rice when its hot, You are not going to make a good decision if its rush,

as a marrieed man myself I cant even begin to imagine going thru that, I myself have never stepped out on the wife and lord

knows many temptations have came my way but I just cant be that kind of chink, and I dont expect that from her either, now u

say you love your wife...it may be hard but consider counseling, I know many here will tell you walk away while they have

cheated too due to seperations, this longing and nurturing causes some to falter which is no excuse. Dude dont punish yourself

with details... if you love her try starting to 4give, life is short and if a person wants forgiveness you can try to, god

forgives us everyday and we still keep doing wrongs, this she did with a married man, so maybe she was not looking a relationship

just stupid comfort, hang in there , you both speak to an expert, do not get bitter..............this too will passed ..peace out ma man.

[SteveKarlaMayer 21]

I can feel your pain and I'm sorry you guys are messed up in this situation.

I pray you come up with the right decision.

God bless you.

[Grant PDX 183]

I have been in a similar situation. Not the same, but in the same zipcode at least. My thought after the cheating was whether this was a one time (or at least a short term) thing or if it was a pattern. If it is a pattern of behavior I don't think it will stop. If it's a one time mistake I think a person can learn and realize it's not ok to do it again.

That's the way I looked at it. I don't really have any advice on the personal side other than agreeing with those above who said take your time, don't make a hasty decision. I usually say if you have a long term problem, don't make a short term decision. Meaning if you are talking about marriage, generally a long term situation, don't make a short term decision, give it time.

Best of luck.

Edit: Ultimately that relationship ended but not without a lot of pain. After it was over I was introduced to my current fiancee as I finally decided that the trust couldn't be rebuilt in a satisfactory way, and I feel trust is the number one more important part of a relationship. My relationship now has a solid foundation of trust and I am very happy with my situation.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Grant PDX