Mother vehemently opposed to boyfriend/relationship.

[yakasushii 0]

I am a 27 year old Canadian female. My boyfriend is an American citizen, and we met online in October 2009. We became friends over time, and met in person for the first time this year, and became a couple shortly afterwards.

My boyfriend is 31 years old. He has had a tough life, with addictions, got his GED in his late 20s... and is now in college, with aspirations of being a substance abuse therapist. His BIG DREAM is to eventually establish a business devote to helping me with their own addictions.

My mom, who is Chinese, is vehemently opposed to our relationship. I mention she is Chinese because it seems the Chinese culture is understandably effecting her views on him and our relationship. My boyfriend has a part-time job; my mother would only be happy for me to have a partner who has a high-status, well-paying permanent job.

My boyfriend is coming to visit with his father, and my mother does not have any interest in meeting them, nor does she want any involvement with anything pertaining to the relationship. My dad also does not approve of him. I live with my parents but am not at all close with either of them. We are quite distant as it gets.

After telling her today that they were coming to visit, my mother tells me that she has not told other family members about him to save face. It would humiliate her for others to know about him, that her daughter is with a man who doesn't have a "professional" job. She wants nothing to do with him and says that she suffers because I'm in a relationship with him. That she would rather die than continue to live. That she wished she didn't have me. That she will not be able to sleep tonight, and that her blood pressure will get really high, and that she will probably collapse.

And understandably, this is having quite a strain on my relationship. We do want to get engaged soon, apply for (and hopefully get!) the fiancée visa, get married. I believe he was going to propose during his visit her, but now we think it might not be a good idea. But how long is long enough to wait? My mother says she will never accept him our or relationship. I believe it.

I don't know what to do. I feel so unwelcome here and think it is probably time to move out, and hope that someday, my parents (especially my mother) will not feel ashamed of her daughter.

My mother also did not approve of one of my cousins' partners (then fiance, now husband) a few years ago because he didn't have a high-status, well-paying permanent job, which she thinks any partner of mine should have. They did get married (she refused to attend) and she did not talk to this cousin for a while. They do talk now, and she seems okay with my cousin's husband, although she told me today that she is not over it. Being her daughter, it might be tougher for her to overcome, and I don't know that she ever will. I don't want to hurt her or my family, but I also love my boyfriend deeply...

So maybe moving out is the best way to go... and hope that they'll at least want to stay in touch with me.

Any thoughts or similar stories?

Edited August 9, 2012 by yakasushii

[yakasushii 0]

Apparently I can't edit the post, but wanted to add: Given that they disapprove of what his current life, parents don't know about his past I figured it would not be wise to say anything about it given their present attitude towards him. He has really made a huge transformation over the past couple of years, though!

[elyhim 41]

You have to live your life for you and not your mother. Think about your reasons and feelings. Listen to advice but act for yourself.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Apparently I can't edit the post, but wanted to add: Given that they disapprove of what his current life, parents don't know about his past I figured it would not be wise to say anything about it given their present attitude towards him. He has really made a huge transformation over the past couple of years, though!

To you, being on the inside with your emotions wrapped into it, it has. But to them looking at it from a seasoned viewpoint, he still doesn't measure up.

Frankly I didn't read the whole thesis - started to read like high school drama.

Personally I think folks shouldn't get all wrapped up in getting parental blessings but that requires being upstanding, doing the right things (whatever it is that they are in your family - I have a family friend that if his kids are anything less than a Doctor and married to a Doctor then they are failures).

Good luck. It's your life, make the right choices and live it well.

[Darnell 8,478]

ya, face is a big thing in your family - i recognize it for what it is.

I have a thought, however malformed...

let him stay in USA till he finishes his degree program and subsequent licensing.

you visit to the south, until that happens.

THEN, when he does come up, have him come up during a dragon boat race, and HE sponsers a boat, in the name of your mother's favorite charity or her personal buddhist temple.

After the race, introduce him to your mother .

Good Luck !

Edited August 9, 2012 by Darnell

[Julie y Pat 67]

Did your father have a high status, well paying permanent job when she met him? Even if he did, pretend you are completely unimpressed by it, and tell her she could have done better. Tell her you will have no problem telling the other family members about your fiancee to be. It's not your responsibility to make her happy. I'd move out as soon as possible.

[QueenE 173]

She probably wont come around and its hard but if he is worth it just leave her alone. He can visit you but dont make your mom meet him, she is far from ready.

[Xanax 349]

I understand how you feel, my Grandmother is some what similar.

If you know that by pursuing a relationship with this man your Mother may potentially disown you , make your bed and decide. Remember you may harbor sadness and ill feelings for a long time towards your Mother and possibly even your partner for "putting you in that situation" (even if it wasn't his fault).

As hard as it is if you want to be with this man and you love him then you have to do what is right for you.

[RobNKharen 70]

A bit of reverse psychology might be in order. You know her better than me, so figuring out what might work is up to you. But anyway, here is an example:

Tell her he is visiting for a few days, and even though he would love to meet her sometime, it can't be THIS time because the two of you have many plans meeting friends or whatever. Tell her he sends his apologies and might be able to meet with her on the next visit, if time permits.

The point is to turn it ALL around on her where she is no longer the one in control. She is refusing to meet him, but he is not refusing to meet her.........he is simply too busy. It will drive her nuts because SHE wants to be in control of whether they meet or not, but he has politely declined THIS time without even giving her the chance to decline. Of course if she insists on meeting him THIS time.....you have won and taken back some control.

All the drama queen stuff about rather dying than live knowing the relationship is happening is simply drama. Ignore it.

[Mark + Melissa 49]

Parents always know what emotional heartstrings to pull when they want their way - after all, they built those strings. Try to understand that her panic is out of love and concern for YOU. You need to let your parents know that they are hurting YOU with this attitude. They need to see you for the adult that you are, not the child they raised. It will not be an easy decision. Assure them that you love them, but they have raised you to be a strong, independent woman, and this is the life you choose and you hope that they will accept this decision. The relationship may get more estranged before it gets better. Be prepared for that, but stick to your stance or in my opinion they will continue to try to drive a wedge between you and your fiance.

[TBoneTX 43,081]

1. A highly paid surgeon can develop a tremor in his hand and be unable to perform operations. A prestigious doctor might have his future earnings severely restricted by 0bamacare rather soon. A top attorney could be discredited or disbarred. A high-up corporate executive could be fired (or have the company close down) at any time. A rich business owner may love his business more than his wife. Employment is fluid, and success can be fleeting.

2. Perhaps one of the chief underlying reasons for failure of relationships (and marriages) is that you marry a partner because of what he/she is to the world (= outside status) rather than what he/she is to you (= what emotionally fulfills YOU).

[SweetDelish 38]

She told you she wished she didn't have you? ouch.

my fiance's mother has expressed the opinion that my fiance should not get involved with a foreigner, she hasn't met me yet but hasn't refused to meet me either, I was worried about this, hes told me that he loves and respects his mother, but as a 35 year old man, he can make his own choices, she can choose to like it or not.

some things to think about, since you say you are not that close, how important is it to you that your parents remain a part of your life? I assume you would like them to play a part, but how big? If you had to choose, which could you live without - your parents or your partner?

[Andie 147]

Perhaps one of the chief underlying reasons for failure of relationships (and marriages) is that you marry a partner because of what he/she is to the world (= outside status) rather than what he/she is to you (= what emotionally fulfills YOU).

[notmuch88tosay 21]

Sorry you are going through this.

The people who have replied to your post have given you very intelligent, very good advice. I think you would be wise to heed it.

I cannot add much because so much good advice has already been given.

I would just say, some parents will do anything to control the decisions and outcomes for everything in their childrens lives. They will use guilt, fear, disapproval and whatever else it takes. Your parents probably do not know what will truly make you happy, because most of the time, controlling parents are coming from their own outdated irrational fears and misunderstandings.

Choose what you want, not what your mother or father wants. If they will disown you and never forgive you as a result, that is just another control mechenism in their bag of control tricks... do you want to be controlled by them forever?

Tell your mother you'll forgive her if she disowns you, but you have to do what you know in your heart will make you happy. Ask her if she knows how hard it is to find real love in this day and age. Ask her if she will be able to mend your broken heart, depression and feelings of hopeless dispair if you do what she wants you to do.

Stand up for yourself. Don't let your parents manipulate you and decide your life for you.

Best of luck and stay strong,

notmuch88tosay

[RobNKharen 70]

Sorry you are going through this.

The people who have replied to your post have given you very intelligent, very good advice. I think you would be wise to heed it.

I cannot add much because so much good advice has already been given.

I would just say, some parents will do anything to control the decisions and outcomes for everything in their childrens lives. They will use guilt, fear, disapproval and whatever else it takes. Your parents probably do not know what will truly make you happy, because most of the time, controlling parents are coming from their own outdated irrational fears and misunderstandings.

Choose what you want, not what your mother or father wants. If they will disown you and never forgive you as a result, that is just another control mechenism in their bag of control tricks... do you want to be controlled by them forever?

Tell your mother you'll forgive her if she disowns you, but you have to do what you know in your heart will make you happy. Ask her if she knows how hard it is to find real love in this day and age. Ask her if she will be able to mend your broken heart, depression and feelings of hopeless dispair if you do what she wants you to do.

Stand up for yourself. Don't let your parents manipulate you and decide your life for you.

Best of luck and stay strong,

notmuch88tosay

Uber +1