Messaging another woman on facebook

[LoveUnrestricted 4]

Hello all.

I donno if its directly related to the K1 visa but I still need advise. My fiance came to Miami to see me on a tourist visa while we have the K1 processing. So today I borrowed his laptop for class and when i went to facebook, he was still logged in. Since he had read my facebook messages before, i thought I would do the same for fun. To my dismay, I came across a conversation between him and a girl about whom i had already questioned him. He told me that he met her once and that she really wanted to get with him but he never found her attractive. Anyways, I started reading the conversation (which was dated recently and while he was here with me) and the conversation went something like this:

girl: i'm drunk and u are super cute

him: thanks

girl: i really like you (something along those lines)

him: but i though u liked my friend better

girl: no i dont like the #######, i like the sweet guys like u

girl: you have a gf right?

him: yeah

girl: man i have bad luck

him: too bad, i have a big one, u would have enjoyed it.

girl: wow

him: just because i'm a nice guy, doesn't mean i cant satisfy

girl: dude, u have a gf

(mind you, he did not even bother to tell her that he has been engaged for two months now)

and it continued along those lines. I confronted him and told him to delete her from his friends how explained how inappropriate and disrespectful that was. He explained that he sees her as a friend and that they always joke like that with her. I got really mad since he is offering his "you-know-what" to a girl who is drunk and obsessed with him. I did not see it as an apropriate joke between friends. So he got furious with me saying that I'm crazy and over-reacting. Did I over-react, am i really going crazy? i dont even know anymore

My concern also is will these messages have a potential to be seen by the USCIS and would they have an impact on our K1 disicion?

Edited May 30, 2012 by LoveUnrestricted

[Ning 619]

Hello all.

I donno if its directly related to the K1 visa but I still need advise. My fiance came to Miami to see me on a tourist visa while we have the K1 processing. So today I borrowed his laptop for class and when i went to facebook, he was still logged in. Since he had read my facebook messages before, i thought I would do the same for fun. To my dismay, I came across a conversation between him and a girl about whom i had already questioned him. He told me that he met her once and that she really wanted to get with him but he never found her attractive. Anyways, I started reading the conversation (which was dated recently and while he was here with me) and the conversation went something like this:

girl: i'm drunk and u are super cute

him: thanks

girl: i really like you (something along those lines)

him: but i though u liked my friend better

girl: no i dont like the #######, i like the sweet guys like u

girl: you have a gf right?

him: yeah

girl: man i have bad luck

him: too bad, i have a big one, u would have enjoyed it.

girl: wow

him: just because i'm a nice guy, doesn't mean i cant satisfy

girl: dude, u have a gf

(mind you, he did not even bother to tell her that he has been engaged for two months now)

and it continued along those lines. I confronted him and told him to delete her from his friends how explained how inappropriate and disrespectful that was. He explained that he sees her as a friend and that they always joke like that with her. I got really mad since he is offering his "you-know-what" to a girl who is drunk and obsessed with him. I did not see it as an apropriate joke between friends. So he got furious with me saying that I'm crazy and over-reacting. Did I over-react, am i really going crazy? i dont even know anymore

My concern also is will these messages have a potential to be seen by the USCIS and would they have an impact on our K1 disicion?

Related to a K 1 visa? You just have to decide if this type of thing is acceptable to you now or in the future. You may need to develop a new sense of humor to find the humor in this. I suspect it will get a lot funnier later.

Keep in mind this is what you know about. The unknown is a lot harder to deal with & probably lacks the humor he finds in this. Of course you just happened to find this on his facebook.

You dont need to worry about USCIS decision. Make your own based on the facts surrounding your relationship. You have to live with the decision & him.

There are others that will respect you so dont waste your time on a man such as this.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Ning

[Boiler 43,564]

That seems quite the thing, I have seen at least one thread where somebody had been notified of being Dovorced on Facebook.

An interesting article from the Guardian:

Facebook a top cause of relationship trouble, say US lawyers

Social networking site becoming primary source of evidence in divorce proceedings and custody battles, lawyers say

Richard Adams in Washington

guardian.co.uk, Tuesday 8 March 2011 14.26 EST

Photographs taken from social networking sites are a rich source of evidence, divorce lawyers say. Photograph: Chris Jackson/Getty Images

When Facebook gets involved, relationships can quickly fall apart – as Hosni Mubarak and Muammar Gaddafi have discovered. But dictatorships are not the only ties being dissolved by social networking sites: now Facebook is increasingly being blamed for undermining American marriages.

Even though the rate of divorce in the US has remained largely stable in recent years, American divorce lawyers and academics have joined Middle East analysts in picking out Facebook as a leading cause of relationship trouble, with American lawyers now demanding to see their clients' Facebook pages as a matter of course before the start of proceedings.

"We're coming across it more and more. One spouse connects online with someone they knew from school. The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook," said Dr Steven Kimmons, a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor at Loyola University Medical Centre near Chicago.

Yet while the US media has been quick to trumpet any evidence of Facebook as the country's leading marriage-wrecker, the truth is "It's complicated," as the site's relationship status would have it.

A 2010 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that four out of five lawyers reported an increasing number of divorce cases citing evidence derived from social networking sites in the past five years, with Facebook being the market leader.

Two-thirds of the lawyers surveyed said that Facebook was the "primary source" of evidence in divorce proceedings, while MySpace with 15% and Twitter with 5% lagged far behind.

Those statistics included not just evidence of infidelity but other legal battles, such as child custody cases in which parents deny using illicit drugs but boast of smoking marijuana on their Facebook pages.

Photographs harvested from social networking sites – including those posted by friends or colleagues on their own pages – are a particularly rich source of damning evidence, according to divorce lawyers.

"This sort of evidence has gone from nothing to a large percentage of my cases coming in," Linda Lea Vicken, a member of the divorce lawyers' group from South Dakota, told the Associated Press.

Marlene Eskind Moses, president of the AAML, said the openness and sharing of social networking sites left their users' public and private lives more exposed.

"If you publicly post any contradictions to previously made statements and promises, an estranged spouse will certainly be one of the first people to notice and make use of that evidence," said Moses.

Statistics for January from online analysts Nielsen showed 135 million people in the US visiting Facebook during the month – nearly 70% of the country's internet users. On average, users spent more than seven hours a month visiting the site, far longer than the less than half an hour spent on visits to Amazon or the average of two hours and 15 minutes on Google, America's most popular web destination.

The overall rate of divorce, however, appears to be unaffected by the advent of social networking. The most recent published data – from 2009 – shows the overall divorce rate declining, slightly more slowly than the shrinking percentage of Americans who get married every year.

A spokesperson for Facebook said: "It's ridiculous to suggest that Facebook leads to divorce. Whether you're breaking up or just getting together, Facebook is just a way to communicate, like letters, phone calls and emails. Facebook doesn't cause divorces, people do."

But given its popularity, it is little wonder that negotiating "Facebook divorce" status updates has become another unhappy event for failed romances, over when to launch the site's broken-heart icon out into the glare of the world's news feed.

[sabi 148]

I will just say one thing: be careful but this might be really a joke... Guys when they are bored they like chatting like that to kill the time. Its not right but they just have no idea and see nothing wrong in it since they dont do anything, just write... Explain to him how you feel and that it hurt you and see what happens... The fact he writes things like that, doesn't mean that he does things behind your back... But you have to tell him you don't approve and see if he gets it or not... I know it hurts, but if you love him just give him a chance to change that. If he still does it after you talk to him, it's up to you to make a decision if you trust him or not... It's a tough one ...

Edited May 30, 2012 by sabi

[Penny Lane 8,159]

He got furious because he got caught, not because you're being irrational. Which you aren't.

USCIS won't know, and it won't impact your K1, but it should impact how you move ahead with this decision. Is this someone you really want to marry? He doesn't seem to take your feelings or concerns very seriously, based on this little information you've given us. And he doesn't seem to take his committment to you seriously either.

If the kind of behavior that you describe here is acceptable to you, then you don't have any problems.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Evylin

[rocks 494]

I will just say one thing: be careful but this might be really a joke... Guys when they are bored they like chatting like that to kill the time. Its not right but they just have no idea and see nothing wrong in it since they dont do anything, just write... Explain to him how you feel and that it hurt you and see what happens... The fact he writes things like that, doesn't mean that he does things behind your back... But you have to tell him you don't approve and see if he gets it or not... I know it hurts, but if you love him just give him a chance to change that. If he still does it after you talk to him, it's up to you to make a decision if you trust him or not... It's a tough one ...

I agree. To me it sounds like it could be a joke but I can see how this could be upsetting, especially if you haven't been exposed to this kind of "conversation" before. Wait until you are both calm and have a rational discussion about it.

USCIS can't see your facebook chats or private messages, unless you give it to them, so don't worry about that. Just worry about your relationship.

[Peter_Pan 661]

I am guessing he is insecure and using her to boost his ego. Did he date a lot before you? While it is unpleasant, I think the fact that he admitted to being "taken" makes things not as terrible as they could have been.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Peter_Pan

[Penny Lane 8,159]

He admits to being taken, but that doesn't stop him from flirting with the girl or telling her exactly what she's missing out on. When the drunk girl has to back up and say "wow, dude, you have a girlfriend" ... he's probably crossed the line. In my opinion, anyway.

He could have easily been joking, but if that joke is something that seriously bothers the OP, then the guy needs to realize that and cut it out, rather than getting furious with her and telling her how crazy she is to feel the way she feels about it.

Edited May 30, 2012 by Evylin

[kate&javi 26]

Nah, I don't think you overreacted. I would really mad at my fiance if ever found a conversation like that between him and another girl. I would have reacted similar to you, so don't fret.

[Tinchen_ 21]

Girl u def didn't overreact.and a good thing u told him.u have to decide what u want.its clear the girl is interested in him,no female invest personal time to talk to a man with no agenda. If I would u I would make him delete her.u his fiance and future wife so u have a right to make him delete her.that was not a joke conversation. that was really lazy flirting.and crossing the line.why u don't go sit down and have a normal serious conversation with him about it. U two wanna get married maybe u should talk about what u expect from a marriage and what is crossing the line.maybe that helps.hope it all works out for u in a good positive way ... If u need a friend to talk to u can PM me anytime..been in a similar situation before.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

no female invest personal time to talk to a man with no agenda.

I'm curious what this statement means. No females invest personal times to talk to men unless they have an agenda?

[StarGirl 13]

You did absolutely right thing about confronting him and telling him that things of this nature won't be tolerated. Men need boundaries and will treat woman only the way she allows. If he heard you and cares about you, he will stop messing around. If not, well, you are not married just yet and free to leave. As for this conversation affecting k-1 application.. well, even if you think they'll take their time to check your fiancé's messages, which is highly unlikely to be honest, there is an option on FB to delete private messages/chats if that will bring more peace to your mind. Don't worry about immigration, worry about what relationship you are in.

Edited May 30, 2012 by StarGirl

[rocks 494]

I'm curious what this statement means. No females invest personal times to talk to men unless they have an agenda?

I'm not sure but maybe she meant that the facebook girl wouldn't be talking to him for nothing?

[Willho 0]

I don't think you overreacted at all. You confronted someone you plan to spend your entire life with about something that you obviously have a problem with. I agree with Peter Pan in regards to your fiance telling the other girl that he was taken. I don't think anyone's stupid enough to leave Facebook up AND give their significant other their laptop that contains incriminating evidence. With his lack of secrecy and his reaction, it's pretty likely that he really WAS just joking around; however, that DOESN'T mean that YOU should just get used to it. I would definitely sit down and discuss what's appropriate and what's not appropriate between the two of you. He's most likely going to react negatively to some extent, but that's just further proof that he's used to casual flirting, and it's far from a hard habit to break! I don't think this should be a cause for too much alarm.. It's just a little bump on the road. We all have them. Here's wishing the two of you the best.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

I'm not sure but maybe she meant that the facebook girl wouldn't be talking to him for nothing?

But to lump all females into that category doesn't make sense.