Is two years a good enough try?

[kiwibelcanto 3]

I've been living in the U.S. for two years now and I'm still homesick. I've just lost my job (the third one I've had in 18 months) and I'm not sure how we're going to pay the mortgage or have medical insurance, seeing as it takes me months to find something in this small town and he doesn't get benefits at his job. I'm originally from New Zealand and I used to be a legal secretary for about 6 years at inner city law firms, and they were nowhere near as cut-throat as the American workplace is. The best jobs I can get without a degree is customer service, which is awful because people around here are rude and miserable. And most of those jobs require you to be bilingual. I've only made a few close friends but I'm fairly independent, I have my own car and love driving around (though you only have to drive 15 mins max to get anywhere). My husband doesn't really understand because this is his hometown and this is all he's ever known. I really do love how cheap everything is here, and the only hobby I've developed that makes me genuinely happy is a shoe addiction, lol. But the lifestyle, the attitude, the mentality of this place (a desert in the middle of nowhere) is so close-minded and different to that of New Zealand and I still just can't seem to fit in, no matter how much I try to convince myself that this is my home now. It makes me really anxious to picture myself living here permanently (oh, the horror!) but I feel like I'm stuck here because my husband refuses to move to NZ, even though I moved halfway around the world for him, and he's the only reason I'm still here. There's no other Kiwis or Australians or Brits around this area, which is a shame because I think it would really help me to have a friend I can relate to. All of my friends and family in NZ want me back home and it is SO tempting to just jump on a plane and go. We're going for a visit in September (for only two weeks, why do Americans think that's an eternity?!) and I'm hoping that he'll take a shine to it and agree to try it for as long as I did here. Is it unusual to still feel this depressed (of course losing my job didn't help much) after such a long time?

[Laure&Colin 279]

Maybe not NZ, but what about moving to another place in the USA? It's a big and diverse country! Maybe you'll be more comfortable on the West coast, with a more relaxed vibe and more job opportunities in a big city?

You moved to a different continent to be with your husband, I think he could consider moving States to help you adjust!

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Would he consider moving to a bigger city, like Seattle?

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I would say the adjustment period takes at least 2 years but I think there might be other issues here.

What about moving to another area, or a more metropolitan city? Living in a small town in the desert is not for everybody, even a lot of Americans.

[kiwibelcanto 3]

Thanks you guys, I've tried talking to my friends about this but I thought the best place to get some insight would be on here. I've suggested a bigger city like Seattle to him (we live on the eastern side of Washington - vast, desolate, conservative place that isn't like the western side at all), because Seattle really reminds me of Auckland and I feel happy there when I've visited. I'm just worried the job market would be even more cut-throat than it is here! I'm just not that career-obsessed, corporate-ladder climbing employee that most Americans are desperate to be, for some reason I don't find that appealing. I like to work, but I like to enjoy my job and my colleagues, not try to stab them in the back to get to the top. Anyway, my husband brought up a valid point in which he said that we would both be without the friends and family in both places, and I guess he's right because it would be pretty scary to move to a big city without any support network there. I like to travel and go new places, but I can literally count on one hand the times we've left this town since I moved here. I think if I gave him an ultimatum he would choose to come with me to New Zealand, albeit reluctantly. But any kind of moving away would mean I'd have to face the wrath of my mother-in-law, which is terrifying! So yeah, I really do feel stuck

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Seattle would also offer more opportunities than where you currently are, and it would probably be easier to find a work environment you are happy with.

Your husband's point is a valid one, but you aren't moving halfway around the world - just a few hours away.

[MDM24 1]

I admire the sacrifice you decided to make when you came; however, now you know that it's not easy adjusting; as far as giving your husband an ultimatum, It would probably be the same for your husband trying to adjust in NZ and he would be the one desperate to move back.

I guess, he's right about the support system; however another city (bigger city) close to his hometown could allow you guys to go back and visit family and friends, right?

(just my humble opinion)

[LlamaInvasion 76]

I've been here five and a half years now, and I feel pretty much exactly the same you do, but thankfully my husband was willing (quite eager, in fact) to relocate to a bigger city that would help me cope (we're moving this spring, yay!), and he fully understands that sometimes, yes I DO in fact need to spend $1000 on Norwegian food online, thank you very much, and doesn't complain about it. Once I asked him if he'd be willing to move to a different state for me, and while it's certainly not ideal (I quite like his family, and like you, moving would mean that we'd both be starting from scratch), he said pretty much exactly what was posted above: I was willing to move across the globe for him, if necessary he'd certainly manage a cross-country move.

Your mother-in-law is not part of your marriage, so take her out of the equation right away. I've faced a fair amount of pressure from my own family to move back home, but honestly, every time my mom brings it up, it makes me want to tell her we're never coming home, period, because it annoys me so much that she thinks she has any say in what's best for us - me and my husband - and our family.

For us, our main motivation for staying here in the US is largely financial (minor reasons include my seasonal depression, which gets tough during Norwegian winters, language, etc), because we want to provide for our son, and going to Norway means my husband would likely be stuck flipping burgers (or the equivalent thereof) for quite a few years. I would pretty much trample puppies if it meant we could move to Norway - but for the time being, staying here is far more advantageous for us, financially and otherwise. If financial prospects in Norway change for my husband, we're reconsidering. Has he visited NZ with you before? I'm curious as to his reasons for being so reluctant to move there.

[kiwibelcanto 3]

Seattle would also offer more opportunities than where you currently are, and it would probably be easier to find a work environment you are happy with.

Your husband's point is a valid one, but you aren't moving halfway around the world - just a few hours away.

That's what I'm thinking, and Seattle is so diverse as well that finding some other Commonwealth people to hang with probably wouldn't be hard at all. I guess we could rent out our house and try finding something in Seattle, or just outside of it. Maybe that would make him finally understand what it's like to move somewhere where you have no roots, in a safe and familiar American environment lol. Then we could be in it together, rather than one person having an advantage over the other, and I could get my fix of big city excitement that I've been craving!

[GnBnL 50]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! its so hard to make such a big life change. Too bad you can't move to Canada (west coast) we've got lots of all of the above people you mentioned! lol! In all seriousness, I hope you can convince him to at least move to a different city where you'll BOTH be new so that you don't feel so alone in your struggle to find your place. Good luck to you! I hope life turns for the better soon.

[beejay 123]

If you are used to a city you may never like living in an isolated small town and I think 2 years is about the point when you know whether you like living someplace or not. Seattle sounds like it would be a good compromise - close to his family but still offers some of the diversity that you say you want. You've already said you like it when you visit there. Talk to your husband again and maybe say you're going to start your job search by looking at what's available in Seattle.

I hope you are able to find a happy medium where you aren't the only one making compromises. If you don't like where you live it can really affect your mood and outlook. Best of luck.

edit:

When my husband and I moved to the US we started in my homestate. I told my husband if he didn't like it we could look at other places in the US but to at least give it 2 years. He did that and thankfully he has ended up appreciating and liking where we settled. We both grew up in cities and live in a city now and I'm sure that has made a difference.

Edited March 6, 2012 by beejay

[kiwibelcanto 3]

@ LlamaInvasion - Thanks so much, it's nice to know I'm not the only one I'd feel so bad about taking him away from his friends and family, but then I think to myself, hang on, didn't I do that for him?! It's mostly my friends that encourage me to come home if I'm not happy. My mum is very understanding but she doesn't give me any opinions on it, just listens when I need to vent. I know she'd love for me to come home but is also a big fan of "giving it another go and see what happens".

In a way I'd be pretty nervous to move back to New Zealand, figuring out how to drive on the left again, trying to catch up on everything that went on while I was away. I worry about feeling like a foreigner in my own motherland. It does make more sense financially for us to stay in the U.S., our house was soooo cheap and we'd never be able to afford a house in Auckland. I'm just glad we don't have any kids yet because I would be extremely conflicted about what to do and where to live, etc. It kind of feels like I'm going to be stuck flipping burgers for the rest of my life here, it was so silly of me to think that I could just waltz on into any old law firm and have them welcome me with open arms.

Yes, my husband's been to New Zealand a few times, and he loves to visit, but wouldn't like to live there. He doesn't like the way our government is run, with the universal healthcare and whatnot. I admit it's pretty socialist but that's the way I grew up and that's what makes me a Kiwi. The sales tax and income tax is enough to make you faint but the quality of life is totally worth it in my eyes.

[HelenBradley 28]

Thanks you guys, I've tried talking to my friends about this but I thought the best place to get some insight would be on here. I've suggested a bigger city like Seattle to him

...

Anyway, my husband brought up a valid point in which he said that we would both be without the friends and family in both places, and I guess he's right because it would be pretty scary to move to a big city without any support network there. I like to travel and go new places, but I can literally count on one hand the times we've left this town since I moved here. I think if I gave him an ultimatum he would choose to come with me to New Zealand, albeit reluctantly. But any kind of moving away would mean I'd have to face the wrath of my mother-in-law, which is terrifying! So yeah, I really do feel stuck

This is actually a plus point of moving to a new place together.

You'd both get to make friends and both get to decide what your life looks like.

My husband and I met in Scotland and then came here together and moved to a new state. I can't imagine trying to fit into his life here...rather than making our own life together, I think that'd be difficult. Can you suggest something less intimidating...like trying a year in Seattle?

Also, you mentioned you don't have a degree. Can you start one? Or even start some classes? There are a lot of really great programs for funding education here. And perhaps you'd feel more committed if you were working toward something big, rather than just working a job you don't enjoy.

Best of luck. I've been here almost 2 years and it is tough. It takes time to make good friends.

Helen

[kiwibelcanto 3]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! its so hard to make such a big life change. Too bad you can't move to Canada (west coast) we've got lots of all of the above people you mentioned! lol! In all seriousness, I hope you can convince him to at least move to a different city where you'll BOTH be new so that you don't feel so alone in your struggle to find your place. Good luck to you! I hope life turns for the better soon.

Thanks, I feel so much better now I would totally move to B.C. or something in a heartbeat! I think a lot of my homesickness is, in a funny way, the lack of trees over this side of Washington. I don't know why but I need a lot of water and trees to feel happy lol. Is it possible that my environment could be making me depressed? It really is an awful landscape! I definitely think a bigger city with more interesting surroundings and access to other ex-pats would really improve my outlook on life, without having to resort to an extreme move like New Zealand.

To everyone that has replied, thank you for being so kind! You've all been a huge help and I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

[Enigma11561 336]

My wife came here from a VERY different culture. One run by a dictator. Brought up under a soviet era mindset. She hardly spoke English. Everything here was different, and I mean everything. It took her almost two months to just unpack her suitcase. She never had a car. Still cannot master driving. She had a decent job as an accountant. Now she cannot even find a job as a clerk in a grocery store. It has not been easy. The best thing for her was we live within walking distance from the beach, which she loves. A town with an actual main street where you can find most anything, and of course, a big city, New York, about an hour away by train/car. She has been here almost 2 years and has adjusted fairly well, all things considered. The main thing is that we love each other.

My job is closing down and now we NEED to re-locate because this area is just too expensive, So we are looking at Florida. A huge move for both of us. We spoke about this and her reply was 1. as long as I am with you and 2. can we please be near an ocean. My whole point here, finally, is that sometimes life takes you into strange directions. And the journey can be as exciting and interesting as you want to make it. Moving a few hours away from his family is nothing. And you husband needs to overcome his fear of a transition, just as you did. But for him it should be cake. You traveled half way around the world.

I have one brother in Seattle and another in Denver, but mom is in New York. That is what phones are for. And the occasional trip. Maybe the two of you can take a week and visit the Seattle area. Ask a real estate agent to show you some places to live, as if you were actually moving. Drive around a bit. It may just turn out to be the best thing for both of you.