negotiating about family visits

[rkk1 34]

Hi guys. I am just wondering how you negotiated with your spouse about bringing family to the US. Before marriage, my husband and I (the US citizen petitioner) agreed that it would be fine if his parents came for 2-3 weeks to visit us. He had asked me back then about how I felt about his family visiting, and I told him I'd be perfectly happy if they came for 2-3 weeks to visit us after he comes here. Now after marriage, he is saying that he wants them to come for 6 months of each year...! I'm not clear if he was just saying this out of emotion, or if he really means it! Being with parents is normal for him as he grew up with extended family around him, as in India adult children live with their parents and grandparents. But for me who grew up with my parents only, and moved away from home for college and currently live alone, this is not something I take lightly. His parents are wonderful people, and the best in-laws I could ask for. It's possible I won't have any issue with them coming over after the first time they visit. They are extremely sweet (though very traditional) and my husband things they'd do nothing but be nice to us, making us yummy food, etc. Even though I agree that them coming would most likely be a positive thing, but I think I deserve to keep my options open and say 'no' to extended (greater than 1 month) visits if I"m not comfortable with it.

Since my husband and I are not yet together, it's possible he's just going through some emotions and will be okay with the 2-3 week visit after he moves here. I just hope it won't turn into a problem for us. Although I don't think I will have any issue with them at all (as they are wonderful), I want my husband and I to be heads of the household in our home, and I feel like if his family comes then they will be the bosses and dictate our lives, as is done in Indian culture. I don't want to be a servant in my own home.... the 'good' daughter-in-law who is always catering to everyone's needs while sacrificing her own needs (for autonomy/independence, privacy, etc). Even now with my husband and I being long-distance, we don't have much privacy, as when we talk on Skype, his family members just come in his room and sit next to him while we talk, so we are limited in what we say. (For example, the other day I was sending him a kiss over Skype and telling him I loved him, and he got really quiet and mumbled to me that his dad was in the room.) Once they live with us, all privacy will be lost. Since they are so traditional, they'd criticize my more 'liberal' ways, even though my husband doesn't have an issue with my lifestyle. I currently have a 1 bedroom apartment, and I know if that if his parents come for 6 months, that would mean that I'd have to sleep on the living room floor for 6 months (as I'd be giving them my room, as is done in Indian culture). Some people (especially those of you growing up in Asia) may call me selfish, but I'm an American and this is how things are done here. I know my husband has a hard time standing up to his family and I think he would have a hard time telling them to come for up to 3 weeks only, as he'd probably want them to come for as long as they want to be here.

I'm just wondering how US citizen spouses have deal with this issue, and if your foreign spouses have been understanding in this matter. I'm hoping it won't be an issue at all, and that we can all get along beautifully, but I just want to know about others' experiences. Thanks!

Edited January 16, 2012 by rkk1

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

Hi guys. I am just wondering how you negotiated with your spouse about bringing family to the US. Before marriage, my husband and I (the US citizen petitioner) agreed that it would be fine if his parents came for 2-3 weeks to visit us. He had asked me back then about how I felt about his family visiting, and I told him I'd be perfectly happy if they came for 2-3 weeks to visit us after he comes here. Now after marriage, he is saying that he wants them to come for 6 months of each year...! I'm not clear if he was just saying this out of emotion, or if he really means it! Being with parents is normal for him as he grew up with extended family around him, as in India adult children live with their parents and grandparents. But for me who grew up with my parents only, and moved away from home for college and currently live alone, this is not something I take lightly. His parents are wonderful people, and the best in-laws I could ask for. It's possible I won't have any issue with them coming over after the first time they visit. They are extremely sweet (though very traditional) and my husband things they'd do nothing but be nice to us, making us yummy food, etc. Even though I agree that them coming would most likely be a positive thing, but I think I deserve to keep my options open and say 'no' to extended (greater than 1 month) visits if I"m not comfortable with it.

Since my husband and I are not yet together, it's possible he's just going through some emotions and will be okay with the 2-3 week visit after he moves here. I just hope it won't turn into a problem for us. Although I don't think I will have any issue with them at all (as they are wonderful), I want my husband and I to be heads of the household in our home, and I feel like if his family comes then they will be the bosses and dictate our lives, as is done in Indian culture. I don't want to be a servant in my own home.... the 'good' daughter-in-law who is always catering to everyone's needs while sacrificing her own needs (for autonomy/independence, privacy, etc). Since they are so traditional, they'd criticize my more 'liberal' ways, even though my husband doesn't have an issue with my lifestyle. I currently have a 1 bedroom apartment, and I know if that if his parents come for 6 months, that would mean that I'd have to sleep on the living room floor for 6 months (as I'd be giving them my room, as is done in Indian culture). Some people (especially those of you growing up in Asia) may call me selfish, but I'm an American and this is how things are done here. I know my husband has a hard time standing up to his family and I think he would have a hard time telling them to come for up to 3 weeks only, as he'd probably want them to come for as long as they want to be here.

I'm just wondering how US citizen spouses have deal with this issue, and if your foreign spouses have been understanding in this matter. I'm hoping it won't be an issue at all, and that we can all get along beautifully, but I just want to know about others' experiences. Thanks!

To me it does sound emotional. Maybe the reality of moving to the U.S. has dawned on him and he is getting nervous about being separated from his family.

It definitely sounds like you would not be comfortable with them staying for half a year so I would be firm but gentle with him. Maybe explain to him that you both will be living in America and if you wanted to have his family present for extended lengths of time then you may have considered settling in India instead.

Maybe you could compromise with him such as allowing his family longer visits when you have children in the future for instance. That way everyone could be happier. He would be happy because his family would be there longer, his parents would be happy because they get to spend time with their grandchildren, and you would be happy because they would not have only you or your husband to focus on.

[rok 3]

Looking at the length of your reply, I can say you are taking it too seriously. Is your husband the only child of his parent? Anyway its highly impossible practically to do that. They will face so many problems like visa, stay etc. My advice is just wait. Indian husband living separately is by compulsion not by choice. So you will have to follow a middle path not to hurt their feelings as well as looking for your FREEDOM(living alone).

[G0ds1ay3r 30]

6 months? wow; I could not deal with 6 weeks if my parents came to live with us.

[rlogan 2,036]

Before marriage, my husband and I (the US citizen petitioner) agreed that it would be fine if his parents came for 2-3 weeks to visit us.

You are not over-reacting. This was an agreement, and there is nothing more important than the word of spouses between one another. It doesn't have much to do with parents visiting. It has to do with changing an agreement you made before you were married. If he is going to change 2-3 weeks into six months, (of every year?!) then what other agreements is he going to simply discard?

Don't take ####### about "compromising" with him in violating agreements. There isn't any point to making agreements in the first place if afterwards you are manipulated into changing them for spurious reasons. Presumambly we are talking about an adult here, not a six-year-old who wasn't capable of thinking through what an agreement means. You don't make cultural excuses for this. The time to have invoked that cultural matter was when you made the agreement in the first place. If he isn't a man of his word, then he isn't a man.

Most likely he made that agreement to satisfy you at the time, (prior to marriage) with the intention of manipulating you into changing the agreement later. If so, you can look forward to that kind of treatment for the rest of your marriage unless you prohibit it. It isn't really relevant whether a visa can be approved for this length of time - what is relevant is whether you can trust this guy.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You need to say no now. You need to make him aware that there is NO changing your mind. It isn't going to happen. Several reasons for this. He's hoping the same as you, that once you're there together you'll discuss it more in length but different to you he's hoping YOU will change YOUR mind and you're of course hoping the opposite. Plus if you don't set this deadline ahead of time are you going to be the one to tell his family they're not welcome? That they have to leave? If this is something you would "prefer" not to happen but if it does oh well, then that's great because it probably will happen. If this is a definite h*ll no then you need to tell him that this is one of the big things, the "I won't laugh this off we will have serious issues if you try and ignore my opinion on this" kind of big deal.

6 months in a 1 b/r apartment I don't care if they're the nicest people on the planet, that will get old quick and damage your relationship (with them or your husband). As you said (more or less) YOU should be the "Queen" of your home and you won't be if they stay for so long. Even in a bigger house it's far too long. Heck my mother isn't super irritating and she entertains herself rather well but I couldn't handle her for 6 months here. At home in Aus I could because I have a car, she has a car, it's my home so it's just normal. Here I would have to entertain her, or feel like I would to make her visit seem worthwhile. More to the point SHE wouldn't want to stay that long. It's incredibly odd that they would want to. They should have their own lives in THEIR country. 6 months in every year sounds like they want to live in the US for half the year, like a holiday home. If this is the case they can rent/buy something themselves.

Tony and I had a friend of his stay for more than 2 months. We have a 2 b/r house and I felt it every day. There was no alone time. I felt like I was invading if I walked into the office and they were talking or whatever. I felt weird cooking dinner for just us (he ate at his parents house). I had to make sure I was "decent" when getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

I also had a close friend visit for 2 weeks. Loved having her here but I was happy to have our house to ourselves again. I couldn't watch whatever TV I wanted (would have been rude so I let her pick). I couldn't sit on my laptop in the living room and surf like I normally did because again, I thought it was rude and instead we would chat.

Friends is entirely different to family, and especially in-laws. HE would love it. He's a man so he wouldn't deal with them the majority of the time (women are usually closer to their parents) and they're his family so there's a certain kind of comfort in that. You will want to be nice and polite to them, you will be walking on eggshells not to upset them because in close quarters being being upset with each other sucks.

No no no. 6 months is ridiculous... even if they were able to visit for that long there is a saying, "House guests are like fish, they are only good for three days". Of course international travellers get a bit more leniency but still...

**Edit - I agree with rlogan on the "it isn't a compromise if you already had an agreement thing". Compromise happens BEFORE the agreement. Sometimes compromise happens after an agreement when circumstances change so it might not be that he's trying to manipulate you, it could just be that he didn't realise how he would miss his family. Could be they have decided now is the time to guilt him. But you reach an agreement you were both happy with, nothing has really changed. I would start with a small visit to see how it goes. I'm willing to bet a month is probably super max for both of you.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[jojolicious 38]

6 months is definitely ridiculous and you are not overreacting. This is something you have to get sorted out before you move in together. It's going to be hard enough to adjust to living with each other after living alone much less for you to have to adjust to living with his parents too. When he gets here that will be your quality time to enjoy each other not entertain long-term guests.

My husband and I both agreed before marriage that neither my family nor his would spend more than 2 weeks at our home. I like my personal space and my husband knows that.

At the same time, you have to understand and respect his culture which is a very traditional and family-oriented one. You don't know if his parents are the ones who came up with this bright idea and he is simply voicing it out of respect to his elders.

I would approach him very sweetly and remind him of the previous 2-3 week agreement and ask him what prompted him to change his mind.

[Nina~ 431]

Trust me, your in-laws would be anxious to leave after visiting for a month or so. Things in the US are not like what they are in India. Your in-laws wont be able to drive themselves to places and will feel cooped up inside the house while you guys are at work. They will get bored very very quickly. And also, cultures & attitudes in America are so different from India.. Relatives & friends dont stop by unexpected for a meal or a chat like in India. They will get bored very very fast. Your in-laws will be begging you to move their return tickets up within a few weeks

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

I think 6 months out of the year is crazy.

But I disagree with the tone of this thread. Just because you had an agreement, doesn't mean that the final word has been spoken. I could never tolerate a relationship like that. Of course, we have agreements and we stick to them, but I am not eternally bound by them. We compromise and change with each other and as our lives change. We are flexible but we consider each other first and foremost in any decisions we make.

If you tell your husband 'No', then he may see that you are controlling the relationship.

So then there is compromise. You can remind him of your agreement and suggest that they could stay in your apartment for that length of time but that you feel really strongly that it would have a negative impact on your relationship if they were to stay of 6 months in your 1br apartment, and you could not properly accommodate your husbands family in that environment. How about they rent their own place nearby?

He may just be homesick, his parents may be making this decision for him, I don't know. They may not qualify for a visa for a 6month stay anyway. You need to find out what had made him change his mind so drastically. Talk to him about it and try to keep your mind open to all possibilities...though I know that would be hard to do if I were in your shoes.

I wish you luck!

Helen

[Darnell 8,478]

I have another POV.

drop a travel trailer in the backyard - that becomes their guest quarters - then they aren't in your business all the time.

IMO, this 'head of family' issue will manifest itself once they are there, and you've really not experienced a h3ll on earth until the father in law attempts to take over.

[Rufus2012 175]

Trust me, your in-laws would be anxious to leave after visiting for a month or so. Things in the US are not like what they are in India. Your in-laws wont be able to drive themselves to places and will feel cooped up inside the house while you guys are at work. They will get bored very very quickly. And also, cultures & attitudes in America are so different from India.. Relatives & friends dont stop by unexpected for a meal or a chat like in India. They will get bored very very fast. Your in-laws will be begging you to move their return tickets up within a few weeks

Bored houseguests sometimes leave, sometimes they become a huge pain. Hoping they'll get bored and get lost on their own isn't how you solve this problem.

[Rufus2012 175]

Agreements between spouses can be renegotiated, but there is a limit to it. It's hard to say based on this particular subject whether he's being unreasonable. Nevertheless, 6 months is a hell of a long time to have a guest, especially in such small quarters.

Honestly, what troubled me most was him talking about his dad being in the room and mumbling after the OP told him she loved him. I can see avoiding explicit conversations, but a simple "I love you?" If he still sees himself as a child to his parents, it's going to be doubly miserable when they're visiting for 6 months.

[rkk1 34]

Thanks so much everyone who has commented on this thread.

First of all staying for months is not all that uncommon in Indian culture. I have an Indian acquaintance in my city, who has a 2 year old son. Her mom and her husband's mom are there at their place year-round (as her mom stays for about 6 months, then leaves when his mom comes in and she stays for the remaining 6 months). For part of those months, their fathers also stay as well (although the fathers have to go back home for work). The mothers are housewives, so they stay as long as the visa allows. Both of them grew up in India where it's normal to live with parents, and they LIKE having childcare everyday for their son. But I don't think I could live like that. On the other hand, they have a 3 bedroom (1,400 sq ft) house, so it's not as bad as staying in a 1 bdr apartment.

As far as them living separately, that's not an option as 1. they don't have that kind of money. They are middle-class by Indian standards, but when you compare that money to American standards, they'd be under the poverty line. In fact, after my husband comes here, he plans to get a job and send at least a few hundred dollars every month to them, and I'm sure he'd pay for tickets as well. That's just common decency in Indian culture, especially as he is currently contributing financially to his family now as he works, and he won't leave them hanging just because he is choosing to live in the US with me. 2. Even if they did have the money (which they don't) living separately would be considered VERY rude. By the parents' perspective, they'd be making a sacrifice to come here (by leaving their home environment) but they'd do so out of duty to their son, as they'd see it as their obligation to make sure he is well settled in his life, and if they could do that by coming over and maintaining order in the home, they'd see that as something constructive (while I might conversely feel challenged with them taking over my autonomy). Thus they'd stay even if they were bored, as they'd be doing it for him. And certainly they'd be happier once we had kids, as they'd be more occupied with playing with our kids. So the idea of me not wanting them to be there for an extended time would be incomprehensible to them, as I'd certainly be viewed as a selfish daughter-in-law.

Anyway, I agree that my husband and I have to discuss this further. He's been more emotional lately as his mom has been really sick, so I don't know if this was said in that context. I'll wait some weeks until his mom has stabilized before bringing this up, when he's more mentally and emotionally open to different topics.

I also knew another Indian couple who I met many years ago, in which the husband's mom was living with them. She was extremely dominating, and the woman told us that she felt a slave in her own home as the mother always sided with her son and criticized her son's wife.... so the woman was at her wits end not knowing what to do. She couldn't ask her mother-in-law to leave, as it would be rude, and her husband didn't want his mom to go. Although my mother in law is not like that at all, I have always been really scared since that time, as I never want to live like that. I don't have a problem with in-laws living close to us (or in a guesthouse as part of our home) when they are much older and need assistance... like 15-20 years from now. That's perfectly fine. By then our home life would have already stabilized and I don't think they'd challenge our home structure. But in this early stage especially, I feel cautious. It's not that I don't WANT them to stay for a few months if we are all getting along happily... it's possible I might be fine with this arrangement in the future, especially if we move into a bigger place. But what I want is the OPTION to be able to tell my husband that it's time for them to leave with him not getting mad at me, and them being okay with it and not considering me a selfish person.

Edited January 16, 2012 by rkk1

[Darnell 8,478]

Well, the cool bit, really, is that it's not so easy to get a tourist visa in India, to come here.

Perhaps that'll work in yer favor, soonish.

[kzielu 1,147]

Maybe they're not going to be given visa and problem will be solved. But seriosly, you need to have you husband take care of it - first step would be for him to understand why it will be bad for both of you (right now he apparently does not), then go talk to his parents.