reputation

[brandonbeth 2]

excellent point. People my fiance's interest is my priority. I am 1000% sure that when people meet her they will know she is genuine and not like my x. As Ive told Beth a million times I wish I would have met her first and we wouldnt have this to deal with. But fact is I didnt and I live with the shame of my horrible experince everyday ( I dont want to add by having people going behind our backs and saying "he didnt learn the first time blah blah blah"). The most imp people in my life know already the rest will know soon enough.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Just because my ex was an a**hole doesn't mean I didn't tell my family about Tony. Sure you get the odd comment here and there, especially seeing there wasn't a huge gap between my ex and Tony so it was till "fresh" BUT the people that mattered sucked it up.

The thing that bothers me is what exactly the OP's fiance/husband said about his ex after it all ended. My ex was an a**hole because HE was, not because of how we met, or what his race was. One bad egg doesn't mean EVERY woman sucks. Just because she's foreign doesn't mean she's going to be a bad person. I'm wondering if he encouraged or complained about how they met as being the reason she was a bad person.

If he is ashamed of her or how they met they're not ready to get married. If he isn't going to stand up for her and their relationship now they should wait.

There is another VJ member who didn't tell anyone he was married. He isn't talking to his sister now because she (correctly) pointed out that he obviously knew something was wrong with the relationship if he kept it a secret. Read this thread here: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/343461-waiting-waiting/ (it's quite long so you can just look for his pic to read his updates). Be PROUD of your fiancee/wife.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

excellent point. People my fiance's interest is my priority. I am 1000% sure that when people meet her they will know she is genuine and not like my x. As Ive told Beth a million times I wish I would have met her first and we wouldnt have this to deal with. But fact is I didnt and I live with the shame of my horrible experince everyday ( I dont want to add by having people going behind our backs and saying "he didnt learn the first time blah blah blah"). The most imp people in my life know already the rest will know soon enough.

People are STILL going to be talking behind your back. They're going to make judgements whether they meet her when they find out about her, or find out about her first. It is going to be much much worse if you keep her a secret, you're basically telling them you're ashamed of her and have something to be ashamed of (opening her up to ridicule). Give people a chance to "talk it out" before she's here and subject to the gossip. Let them make their assumptions before she gets here and then once you organise your wedding/celebration/meet the friends and family event they can decide to come and meet her or not.

[Austramerican 83]

Posting an inflammatory one sided inaccurate assessment of the private situation they are going through on a public forum was perhaps not the best way to make him aware of her feelings

[brandonbeth 2]

thanks Austra you seem to understand my intention.

[Austramerican 83]

Yeah just talk with her and try to reach a compromise. Try to make her understand that you aren't ashamed of her but she doesn't understand how people can be. Maybe the compromise can be you can get all your friends together and have them talk to her on skype so they can see how she is, and make sure she knows that if she has a problem with something you do to talk to you first. If people want respect they must give it so you both need to find out what things are considered totally disrespectful to each other and which things you require. These are the things that need to be done asap because things don't just magically get easier or better once your married

[Dan & Jenni 457]

thanks Austra you seem to understand my intention.

i understand your intention... just make sure your fiancee does too

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Hmmm... i need to get Jenni a VJ account... it could save hours of skype conversations

. I wish could've one for my fiance. But, he never into the thing like this. Even if my fiance and I have a personal problem like fighting, we would never going to share it on public forum. We always maintain that everything can be solved just by talking to each other. Communication is the key.

[Dan & Jenni 457]

Yeah just talk with her and try to reach a compromise. Try to make her understand that you aren't ashamed of her but she doesn't understand how people can be. Maybe the compromise can be you can get all your friends together and have them talk to her on skype so they can see how she is, and make sure she knows that if she has a problem with something you do to talk to you first. If people want respect they must give it so you both need to find out what things are considered totally disrespectful to each other and which things you require. These are the things that need to be done asap because things don't just magically get easier or better once your married

[VanessaTony 3,567]

thanks Austra you seem to understand my intention.

Yes she does but that doesn't mean it's right. I understand your intention. I understand you think it's best. I'm telling you it doesn't sound good, and I highly doubt it's going to go well. You're not thinking rationally because you're still hurting from your previous relationship. It WILL backfire and you're putting your relationship in the firing line. You're telling people (by not telling them) that you're ashamed of her and your relationship. You REALLY need to re-think this decision.

Perhaps you should talk to your family about it, ask for their support. Perhaps you should speak to a counsellor to ask for their professional opinion (for how this decision will affect you, your fiancee/wife, friends and family).

You also need to understand this doesn't sit well with your fiancee/wife and that's important. She doesn't understand it and doesn't agree with it. Most of the people who commented here agree there's something wrong with it. Even if you don't agree you should at least CONSIDER that you're wrong and consider an alternative. I would suggest putting a notice in the paper. An engagement announcement with a lovely photo of the two of you declaring your happiness.

Edited January 3, 2012 by Vanessa&Tony

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Yeah just talk with her and try to reach a compromise. Try to make her understand that you aren't ashamed of her but she doesn't understand how people can be.

I don't think she's a moron who doesn't understand people. I just don't think she CARES how people can be and instead cares more that her fiance loves her and can't understand why he doesn't want to shout it from the rooftops.

[Austramerican 83]

I don't think she's a moron who doesn't understand people. I just don't think she CARES how people can be and instead cares more that her fiance loves her and can't understand why he doesn't want to shout it from the rooftops.

Well she isn't totally in the right either. I find it disrespectful and would never dream of posting a thread like this about my fiance. Regardless of how 'wrong' he was. You don't badmouth someone publicly or even 'hint' about something you're mad about him with on something public, this is like those people that argue with their spouses on facebook for all to see. Its awkward and embarrassing and is better discussed one on one.

[Ron and Rhea 42]

I think your husband has issues, to put it mildly. Unless its not quite as you have explained it, or unless you mis-understood him, I'd say his behavior is a precursor to future problems.

No self respecting man would think that, and in fact he should be 'proud as a peacock' over you.

Was your husband Military?

[bigdog 376]

It happened, maybe the tread should be closed, let them sort it out.

[hnubno 9]

I think it's a good thing that she wants his family and friends to know about her. Seems like she wants to be involved in his life. Also I do agree that the important people in his life already knows about her so it's a good start. Although I'm hoping he isn't lying out right that there is no one when people are asking about any gf or s/o.

I was being a little bit the same way too in the beginning of our engagement but then I decided that if we are going to marry and everyone will know and meet him anyways then I dont need to keep it a secret. I thought I shouldn't care about the comments and gossip cuz they mean nothing to me, only his happiness means everything to me. Also I thought I should be able to face the gossips and comments alone (when he's not here yet) cuz he will have to face them too when he comes.

I agree don't be afraid or ashamed but that doesn't mean you have to tell the whole world. Just don't lie about if people ask you.

Edited January 3, 2012 by hnubno