How do you deal with controlling people?

[J&N* 68]

We all know at least one person, a friend or a relative who is a control freak and always middles in other people's business, uninvited and not wisely. How do you deal with such people? I know it's my life and all that, but how do you deal with their behavior? My in laws decide everything for us and butt in with everything, even what to eat, and we live miles away from them!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

We all know at least one person, a friend or a relative who is a control freak and always middles in other people's business, uninvited and not wisely. How do you deal with such people? I know it's my life and all that, but how do you deal with their behavior? My in laws decide everything for us and butt in with everything, even what to eat, and we live miles away from them!

I don't. My husband and I no longer talk to his mother. I do not talk to his maternal grandmother. He hasn't spoken to her either but he's not NOT talking to her, I am NOT talking to her.. if that makes sense.

My sister I ignore as well any time she does that. Or if it's particularly annoying I tell her how i feel about it.

When its your own family it's easy, when it's his it's harder because you don't want to cause trouble or be hated. I read here: www.motherinlawstories.com and I've come to see most women say it's best to not do anything and let HIM deal with his family, and you deal with yours.

[Ban Hammer 12,848]

We all know at least one person, a friend or a relative who is a control freak and always middles in other people's business, uninvited and not wisely. How do you deal with such people? I know it's my life and all that, but how do you deal with their behavior? My in laws decide everything for us and butt in with everything, even what to eat, and we live miles away from them!

how do they do all of that when you live miles away from them?

[MyLittlePony 340]

I had friends once who just bad mouth other people and talk about how much money they have and what they spend.

[J&N* 68]

For example, they were pressuring us to have kids like a month after we got married, pressured us into staying in Florida when we wanted to move to Illinois for a great job offer my husband got, and now pressure us not to buy a house when the market is a buyers market and interest is going down, my dad offered to give us the down payment, and they want us to reject it, I guess they're hoping that we hate the winter in IL and move back to Florida were jobs and housing suck? We live in a one bedroom apartment and have no car cause it costs $200/month to park it in our building.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Nermeen&Joe

[awkwardsoul 20]

Pretty much just set boundaries/lay it down. To be basic, "We are doing stuff like this, as we are happy/stuff is working out/this is who we are. If you don't like it, well too bad. If what we wanna do doesn't work out, well, we need to learn it on our own."

Or turn it around and figure out why they are pestering ya, maybe there's a deeper issue there.

That or ignore them, but that's on the ruder side.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

For example, they were pressuring us to have kids like a month after we got married, pressured us into staying in Florida when we wanted to move to Illinois for a great job offer my husband got, and now pressure us not to buy a house when the market is a buyers market and interest is going down, my dad offered to give us the down payment, and they want us to reject it, I guess they're hoping that we hate the winter in IL and move back to Florida were jobs and housing suck? We live in a one bedroom apartment and have no car cause it costs $200/month to park it in our building.

Ignore them. Do what you want. Announce your decision to them, do not discuss the decision with them...announce the decision to them.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Pretty much just set boundaries/lay it down. To be basic, "We are doing stuff like this, as we are happy/stuff is working out/this is who we are. If you don't like it, well too bad. If what we wanna do doesn't work out, well, we need to learn it on our own."

Or turn it around and figure out why they are pestering ya, maybe there's a deeper issue there.

That or ignore them, but that's on the ruder side.

You do not have to discuss anything with them or tell them anything. You are adults. Act like it. "We have a great opportunity to move to Illinois and so we are going to move there in November"

But, but , but...

"Mmmmmmmmmm, what did you cook? smells delicious!"

[Kathryn41 3,205]

One of the hardest parts about growing up and becoming independent - is trying to become independent. We are raised trying to meet the expectations of our parents, our teachers, our friends. It becomes a habit so ingrained that even when we are adults we are still imprinted with this 'need' to meet the expectations of those important to us. This truly is the 'testing ground' of adulthood.

The best way to deal with controlling people is to listen to what they have to say - and if you agree with what they suggest, then do it because you agree with it - and if you don't agree with it, then don't. In other words, you need to find out what is right for 'you'. It sounds like they are really thinking of themselves and their benefits of having your husband and you close, and are not thinking about you and your well-being at all. This might make it easier for you to say 'thank you for your suggestions but we feel that this is the best for us right now. We will have children when we are ready, we will move away to take this great job opportunity because it will give us a chance to get to the lifestyle we want before we have children, and we like the house the way it is." Since this is your life and you are the ones living it, you need to live it and not try to live their lives or let them live yours.

They may try all sorts of manipulative means - and probably are this way because they have been using them successfully for years - but your job as an adult is to say, 'Thank you, but no" and then quietly and firmly do what is right for you. Decide if you would be happier letting them live your lives by you trying to meet their expectations, or happier living your own lives being true to yourselves, even if it means disappointing them and making them unhappy. You can't please everyone all of the time so the sooner you let go of the need to try, the happier - and freer - your lives will be. Decide what is right for you and then stick with it.

Good luck - I know it isn't going to be easy but you can do it.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Kathryn41

[spookyturtle 9,465]

I have a tough time dealing with the mods here. They try to control what I post and won't let me bait or insult other members. Very unfair, IMHO. :devil:

[VanessaTony 3,567]

For example, they were pressuring us to have kids like a month after we got married, pressured us into staying in Florida when we wanted to move to Illinois for a great job offer my husband got, and now pressure us not to buy a house when the market is a buyers market and interest is going down, my dad offered to give us the down payment, and they want us to reject it, I guess they're hoping that we hate the winter in IL and move back to Florida were jobs and housing suck? We live in a one bedroom apartment and have no car cause it costs $200/month to park it in our building.

Buying a house is a really smart decision in my opinion. It's SO much cheaper for us to buy than rent. We have two dogs and didn't need to ask permission! We didn't pay a "pet deposit", we fix stuff when it breaks, we can paint walls, we're planning on putting a fence up for the dogs and we can do whatever WE want because its OUR house.

Do what you want or need to make both of you happy. They aren't the ones paying the bills. They aren't the ones living your life. They don't know what you want or need. They can have opinions but you're adults and they need to cut the cord.

It's not easy though. Hopefully your husband is on your side as well!

[J&N* 68]

Thanks so much for all the great advice! His mom plays the victim and starts crying and freaking out, he gets mad at his parents but at the same time he tries not to upset him, again, they play on the emotional aspect. My dad offered to pay for our down payment, it's incredibly generous and we will never be able to save for a down payment on our own, not any time soon (his parents don't offer us any financial help, just useless advice). It's silly how they want us to have a baby in a one bedroom apartment, and without a car? We were going to buy a house in Florida but the housing there were really of poor quality, tons of foreclosures and short sales, houses here in Illinois in the suburbs of Chicago are much better and we'd probably get a good deal if we buy soon.

[MyLittlePony 340]

I take people with a grain of salt they dont like what i do well there is the door.

[Ban Hammer 12,848]

Thanks so much for all the great advice! His mom plays the victim and starts crying and freaking out, he gets mad at his parents but at the same time he tries not to upset him, again, they play on the emotional aspect. My dad offered to pay for our down payment, it's incredibly generous and we will never be able to save for a down payment on our own, not any time soon (his parents don't offer us any financial help, just useless advice). It's silly how they want us to have a baby in a one bedroom apartment, and without a car? We were going to buy a house in Florida but the housing there were really of poor quality, tons of foreclosures and short sales, houses here in Illinois in the suburbs of Chicago are much better and we'd probably get a good deal if we buy soon.

play this in the background while on the phone with them...

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

One of the hardest parts about growing up and becoming independent - is trying to become independent. We are raised trying to meet the expectations of our parents, our teachers, our friends. It becomes a habit so ingrained that even when we are adults we are still imprinted with this 'need' to meet the expectations of those important to us. This truly is the 'testing ground' of adulthood.

The best way to deal with controlling people is to listen to what they have to say - and if you agree with what they suggest, then do it because you agree with it - and if you don't agree with it, then don't. In other words, you need to find out what is right for 'you'. It sounds like they are really thinking of themselves and their benefits of having your husband and you close, and are not thinking about you and your well-being at all. This might make it easier for you to say 'thank you for your suggestions but we feel that this is the best for us right now. We will have children when we are ready, we will move away to take this great job opportunity because it will give us a chance to get to the lifestyle we want before we have children, and we like the house the way it is." Since this is your life and you are the ones living it, you need to live it and not try to live their lives or let them live yours.

They may try all sorts of manipulative means - and probably are this way because they have been using them successfully for years - but your job as an adult is to say, 'Thank you, but no" and then quietly and firmly do what is right for you. Decide if you would be happier letting them live your lives by you trying to meet their expectations, or happier living your own lives being true to yourselves, even if it means disappointing them and making them unhappy. You can't please everyone all of the time so the sooner you let go of the need to try, the happier - and freer - your lives will be. Decide what is right for you and then stick with it.

Good luck - I know it isn't going to be easy but you can do it.

I do not know about your life, but my parents, teachers and friends always expected me to be ...independent.

If the parents are anything but PROUD of their children, they have a problem. Let them deal with it.