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oceanshark

stress in relationship?

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i have known hanhua for going on 8 months. 2 visits to china. 1 to 2 hour chats daily in yahoo. less time now because of usa time change.

however, we have hit a problem. the basic is for the last 2 months or so, she has been asking me for a letter in the regular mail? i kept saying sure, no problem, but never sent one. then during feruary festival and her birthsday, i still not had sent a card or letter. she was very hurt by this. she sees it that i dont love her if i can not do such a simple thing she has asked and i have not done. now,realise,i have told her i love ra gazillion times! in cam, in emails, in chats, etc.

many happy birthday emails and chat.

but now she says i love you is just words? if i really loved her i would have sent letter and card? i have never told a woman i love her nearly as much as i have told her.my love for her flows like a river directly from my heart. but noiw if i say it she says thigns like: thank you or it is good to know this?showing me she is still hurt. i am trying tom think of it as a cultural thing, and i am trying to be very patient about it all because i love her so.but is scares me very mjuch her with holding love from me. i apologized a gazillion times but still with holds love? is it cultural? i findally have found the woman i have been searching for all these years and she says my i love yous are only words? it broke my heart when she told me this.

please advise. i need some guidence about the culture. i know woman are different, but am i making too much out of it???please help as i am scared....todd


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it was a test. you failed.

she wanted to report back to her girlfriends that you passed the test, but now she can't do that,

and she's losing much face about it.


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I think the bigger issue is why you would say "sure", and not send the card. That would upset my wife today, and would have upset her as my fiancee more. Every holiday and occasion she would send me cards through the snail mail even though it was expensive for her. A long distance relationship is tough and totally dependant on trust. Don't say you are going to do something and not follow through. My wife would tell all her friends and family that I would send cards and little gifts. If I hadn't done it she would have been embarassed. Not a pleasant thing in most oriental cultures.

Were I you, I would be begging for forgiveness and making lots of trips to the post office. Little things are important.

Really hope you make it work

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Long disatnce relationships rely on trust much more than normal ones. The require implicit trust.

I don;t now much about Chinese culture or losing face or any of that, but I know if I TOLD Alla I would send a card or letter and I DIDN'T send a card or letter, the fact I had not done what I said would be the issue


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To a Chinese woman (and I can not take credit for this statement this came from someone else on another site)

"Words are nothing, Love is doing"

I do not understand why you could not comply with her simple request. If you love her as much as you say that you do, you would consider her culture and ask yourself why she is asking for this. Then you would understand and happily send her a ton of things in the mail.

In her eyes (and in the eyes of everyone she has told about you) you are not a man of your word. You have no honor and you have made her lose face.

Sorry to seem abrupt but this is the way it is.

You really need to understand her culture more.

Edited by sichuan red

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if u love someone then you have to love the way they are and the way they want.

first of all u r making a committment by saying SURE means that you will do it but u never did. you kinda make promise with her by saying sure and u didnt keep promise. although it was a small promise but if u cant keep ur small promises u cant be trustworthy anymore.

if you knew that u cant do it then y did u say that SURE?

you r saying that u love her but cant do this little thing for her. u need to ask your self first DO I REALLY LOVE HER ?

sometimes ppl just get attached with some one by spending too much time with them or they just get use to of their company because they like them but its not love always.

if u think that its not a big issue for you but she is getting mad for nothing then i think you should not continue this relationship because in long distance realationship you will have to do all these little things in order to keep the relationship going with love.

Good luck

Edited by madeel85

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I don't think that this is totally a cultural thing. First thing, you said you would do something and you didn't, which is not acceptable in any culture-especially for the one you love. She wants to know you think of her, even when you aren't talking to her. Also, and I know this is true for me as well. I like to have something that I can look at such as a note or a card, that I can take to work, keep in my purse, or next to my bed to read when I missed my husband. There is something about holding the actual paper that he touched and took the time to write on that is more tangible than the spoken word.


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Not just an Asian thing but a simple girl thing. You said that you would do something and you didn't. That is just not on. It also seems kind of rude and lazy. However, Asian culture does place a higher emphasis on the idea of 'face' so as mentioned above, she may feel that she has lost 'face' with her friends and family because she has not received any kind of physical mail from you. They can't be there every time you say that you love her in a conversation.

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I am from Philippines, my fiancee never failed to send me a cards (christmas & valentines) even we chat on YM everyday.Even his parents sent me a Christmas card and some stuffs :) ... Receiving cards/ letters is a good thing cuz when you are feelin' sad or lonely you have s0me thing to read over and over again...while he is asleep...and they also serves as a proof of relationship...they say snail mails are better than emails... Just exert a lil effort ... :)

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I don't think this is cultural at all. She's just like any girl who loves her man and misses him and starts to wonder if he loves her too as much as he says he does...

1. You said you would do something and you didn't. So you don't do what you say you will and "your word" means nothing. How can she trust that you love her when you lie about sending a simple card?

2. It's a CARD, not a novel.. it's not like she's asking for something that will take much time or expense.

3. Hand-writing a letter takes time. It means taking the time to sit down and think about them. Emailing is simple and impersonal, hand-writing requires more effort. You apparently can't be bothered (that's how it looks to her).

For Tony and I, he hates hand-writing stuff and he hates writing long email but he DID them for me. I emailed him and sent him hand-written letters. It wasn't all the time, just for special events like anniversaries, or birthdays, or christmas but they were long. I wrote them over several days (as did he) which means I know he thought about me more than a fleeting email, or while checking his FB so he shoots me a quick email. The letter was just for me, it interrupted his time from the "regular" every day events and made me a part of his days. If Tony told me he was going to do something and didn't, I would trust him less. If he did it multiple times I'd start to question his word.. he never made me question it. If I asked for a letter, or a longer email, or something he did it.

You need to write her a letter. You need to start putting more effort into your relationship. That means doing what you can to make her happy, and writing a letter isn't exactly hard... it's a pretty simple way to make her happy.

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Major FAIL!!! :bonk: :bonk: :bonk: :bonk: :bonk:

Even though we text every day, video chat 3-4 times a week and talk on the phone at least once a week we still find the time to send cards for all the card related occasions, e.g. birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, just because day, I miss you so much day, etc, etc. When you love someone you can never have too much conversation of any kind. The written word expresses your thoughts and feelings so much differently than the spoken word. Use it, enjoy it, embrace it. Just do it!

John

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OMG! I'am GUILTY of this too. I bought a Card last Valentines Day (2 years Ago) Whoops, I still have it. I have Envelopes with her address on them and never wrote a letter. (Did it Again).. I'm not good at writing letters but now I see my MISTAKE! Thanks for the Post..

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Moved from K-1 forum to Regional forums as not related to a K-1 visa specific issue


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First, you said "sure" you would send a card but you didn’t. It is wrong. Never make a promise which you would not do to a lady, actually to anybody. If your Liu said "sure" to you for something, but she did not do it, what would you think?

Second, it is not associated with "face" stuff in the Chinese culture. I do not think your Liu wants to show something in front of her girlfriends or families. I think she wants something in hands which she can touch for herself!!! A letter, a card or anything which she can hold in her hands to read and watch as much as she can especially when she misses you! For example, what would you like more as a birthday gift from her to keep momery? Money, email, a birthday card or...! Also, what she asked is a letter not something expensive like jewelry. I think she is really thoughtful for you.

Third, change your position to take her position (especially when you are dating!!). Think of what you would do if you were her.

Some thoughts as a lady! Hope you two go well!!

P.S. I have all stuff which I can keep including cards from my husband :-))

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