stress in relationship?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

One comment that hasn't been made yet about your post is that it seems to be all about you. You are upset that she is making you upset. You don't want to lose her. You are scared because she is 'withholding her love from you'. You are trying to be very patient - well, you get the idea. You didn't do something that you promised to do. You apologized - but you still haven't done what you said you would do - and now you are complaining that she is upsetting you by being upset? None of this is about the woman you supposedly love - it all seems to be about you. If it were about her, you would have not just apologized - you would already have sent her cards, letters, flowers - all sorts of things that she could actually hold in her hands as evidence of your love. You would have shown by your 'deeds' that she mattered, rather than just by words that have proved themselves to be empty.

One of the first things anyone in a relationship needs to appreciate is that it isn't all about 'you' - it is about 'us' - and you have left out the 'us'. You are still leaving out the 'us'.

You say you have told her you love her a gadzillion times, but are you sure you are not perhaps more in love with the idea of being in love, or with the idea of having a relationship with a foreign woman? You are not doing what is necessary to allow a fantasy relationship to develop into a real relationship that will thrive and mature - and complaining that the fantasy can't continue on your terms. From your fiancee's perspective, it seems like she is the only one who is involved in a 'real' relationship - one where the other person matters more than themselves. Now that you have shown her you do not share this view of the relationship, she is drawing back to prevent herself from being hurt more.

The fact that you are still complaining about your feeling hurt and misunderstood instead of doing the simple action that would resolve the situation makes me wonder if you are really interested in taking the relationship to a more permanent level. Your fiancee seems to be wondering the same thing and from what you have posted, it may be that she is right to be concerned. Stop making this all about you and start making it all about her - and maybe it might have a chance to survive.

[Shenzhen 34]

i have known hanhua for going on 8 months. 2 visits to china. 1 to 2 hour chats daily in yahoo. less time now because of usa time change.

however, we have hit a problem. the basic is for the last 2 months or so, she has been asking me for a letter in the regular mail? i kept saying sure, no problem, but never sent one. then during feruary festival and her birthsday, i still not had sent a card or letter. she was very hurt by this. she sees it that i dont love her if i can not do such a simple thing she has asked and i have not done. now,realise,i have told her i love ra gazillion times! in cam, in emails, in chats, etc.

many happy birthday emails and chat.

but now she says i love you is just words? if i really loved her i would have sent letter and card? i have never told a woman i love her nearly as much as i have told her.my love for her flows like a river directly from my heart. but noiw if i say it she says thigns like: thank you or it is good to know this?showing me she is still hurt. i am trying tom think of it as a cultural thing, and i am trying to be very patient about it all because i love her so.but is scares me very mjuch her with holding love from me. i apologized a gazillion times but still with holds love? is it cultural? i findally have found the woman i have been searching for all these years and she says my i love yous are only words? it broke my heart when she told me this.

please advise. i need some guidence about the culture. i know woman are different, but am i making too much out of it???please help as i am scared....todd

Umm hand write something and get it to her right away. Send it next day air or overnight it will cost you but that's minimal in the long run. I hope it works out. Good luck! All women are different, but they think the same.

[oceanshark 2]

First, you said "sure" you would send a card but you didn’t. It is wrong. Never make a promise which you would not do to a lady, actually to anybody. If your Liu said "sure" to you for something, but she did not do it, what would you think?

Second, it is not associated with "face" stuff in the Chinese culture. I do not think your Liu wants to show something in front of her girlfriends or families. I think she wants something in hands which she can touch for herself!!! A letter, a card or anything which she can hold in her hands to read and watch as much as she can especially when she misses you! For example, what would you like more as a birthday gift from her to keep momery? Money, email, a birthday card or...! Also, what she asked is a letter not something expensive like jewelry. I think she is really thoughtful for you.

Third, change your position to take her position (especially when you are dating!!). Think of what you would do if you were her.

Some thoughts as a lady! Hope you two go well!!

P.S. I have all stuff which I can keep including cards from my husband :-))

Thank you all for your thoughts. i really appreciate the respnses:-)....todd

[oceanshark 2]

One comment that hasn't been made yet about your post is that it seems to be all about you. You are upset that she is making you upset. You don't want to lose her. You are scared because she is 'withholding her love from you'. You are trying to be very patient - well, you get the idea. You didn't do something that you promised to do. You apologized - but you still haven't done what you said you would do - and now you are complaining that she is upsetting you by being upset? None of this is about the woman you supposedly love - it all seems to be about you. If it were about her, you would have not just apologized - you would already have sent her cards, letters, flowers - all sorts of things that she could actually hold in her hands as evidence of your love. You would have shown by your 'deeds' that she mattered, rather than just by words that have proved themselves to be empty.

One of the first things anyone in a relationship needs to appreciate is that it isn't all about 'you' - it is about 'us' - and you have left out the 'us'. You are still leaving out the 'us'.

You say you have told her you love her a gadzillion times, but are you sure you are not perhaps more in love with the idea of being in love, or with the idea of having a relationship with a foreign woman? You are not doing what is necessary to allow a fantasy relationship to develop into a real relationship that will thrive and mature - and complaining that the fantasy can't continue on your terms. From your fiancee's perspective, it seems like she is the only one who is involved in a 'real' relationship - one where the other person matters more than themselves. Now that you have shown her you do not share this view of the relationship, she is drawing back to prevent herself from being hurt more.

The fact that you are still complaining about your feeling hurt and misunderstood instead of doing the simple action that would resolve the situation makes me wonder if you are really interested in taking the relationship to a more permanent level. Your fiancee seems to be wondering the same thing and from what you have posted, it may be that she is right to be concerned. Stop making this all about you and start making it all about her - and maybe it might have a chance to survive.

i IMMEDIATLY sent about 15 cards and letters! and have cotninued to do so/ she wont get the first Batch until a week from today! but you are right, all you know is what ui told. it is too involved to tell all the thigns i ha=ve doen andkept my word on. once i knes it, i have been sending them. and she has yuet to receive one of them! i do understand your point of it being about me. i have told her i am sendint dcardds and a BIG surprise! so, yes it is a charged issue

thanks for your input though..todd

[Sam and Fen 41]

i IMMEDIATLY sent about 15 cards and letters! and have cotninued to do so/ she wont get the first Batch until a week from today! but you are right, all you know is what ui told. it is too involved to tell all the thigns i ha=ve doen andkept my word on. once i knes it, i have been sending them. and she has yuet to receive one of them! i do understand your point of it being about me. i have told her i am sendint dcardds and a BIG surprise! so, yes it is a charged issue

thanks for your input though..todd

The Chinese mail is really S L O W.

I sent something express mail and it took a month to get there.

Send her some flowers using a Chinese florist and she will get them in less then 24 hours.

[garfield529 47]

The Chinese mail is really S L O W.

I sent something express mail and it took a month to get there.

Send her some flowers using a Chinese florist and she will get them in less then 24 hours.

Sam is DAMN right...use this link and send her something NOW: http://www.cnflowernet.com/

With the lag time of the mail service, she has to continue to wait for you to do what you said originally. From my experience, nothing works better that to have sent her a package or a letter WITHOUT having told her. The distance of the relationship can be stressful, but relationships are works-in-progress. Remember, this girl is going to give up her whole world in China for you...so make sure that she is confident that she is making the right decision, okay? :thumbs:

Good luck!

[justashooter 430]

warn her that she is getting mail. most chinese do not have postal delivery. they have to go to the post office and see if something is there waiting for them.

write her phone number on the ontside of the envelope as part of the address and the post office will call her to notify that they have mail for her.

then, remember that she has told everyone she knows that she is marrying a rich american guy who will give her everything, so now you have to, or she will boogie. keeping a lid on the definition of "everything" over the next 5 years is a challenge i hope you are up to. marrying a repugnant foreigner is her end of the bargain. don't think for a minute that chinese do not find us vile at first glance. they have been indocrtinated to see us as the root of all evil for decades, and have been isolated from the rest of the world for milenia. maybe you will be able to overcome her prejudice. maybe not.

[LGC 2]

i think she just want some as memory and when she missed you, she can have something to look at.

if you know someone in china can help you send some flowers over with a card. 11 roses will be nice, it means you love her forever.

i dont think if she loves you, she will hold this against you forever, but for awhile she might.

dont fall for the "i dont need anything this birthday or any special date". sometime just send a card or some flowers to her, as a surprise. if you dont know someone, see if any her friends are trustworthy send her some money, so she/he can help you buy/delievery some surprise to her when you wanted to.

[Channah&Aaron 51]

; This is all about a post card???

I mean, there are worser things in the World than not sending a post card

Like, ok, he messed up and he did apologize for a thousands of times.

If this is going to be a problem already, then be prepared for the future because every couple worry about bigger problems than over a card.

She should accept your apologize, and just send her "I'M SORRY" post card and make sure it won't happen again. PROBLEM SOLVED!

People do make mistakes, nobody is perfect, and it's all about forgiveness.. If he would mess up for 10 times in a row, than it would be a different ball game!!!!

Edited February 21, 2011 by Channah&Aaron

[Azzudiin 26]

You know you can send her flowers easier then a card. The biggest hit I ever had with my wife and her family was contacting a Chinese florist, having them pick up a big teddy bear and delivering flowers and the bear to her. The stupid bear is always in full view in her house now everytime someone comes over.

Saying the words I love you means almost nothing to most Chinese women, but showing them how much you love them goes a mile. Another helpful hint, most Chinese are all about the immediate family. Want to get back in her good graces, send her mother and father a card and inside the card include a letter translated into Chinese telling them how much their daughter means to you, and how grateful you are to them for supporting you and your fiance in your relationship.

When her mother calls to tell her about the card and letter you sent, you will instantly be her hero.

[oceanshark 2]

Sam is DAMN right...use this link and send her something NOW: http://www.cnflowernet.com/

With the lag time of the mail service, she has to continue to wait for you to do what you said originally. From my experience, nothing works better that to have sent her a package or a letter WITHOUT having told her. The distance of the relationship can be stressful, but relationships are works-in-progress. Remember, this girl is going to give up her whole world in China for you...so make sure that she is confident that she is making the right decision, okay? :thumbs:

Good luck!

AWESOME LINK!i just sent some things for hanhua and her beautiful daughter, yuxian:-) i cant say wht they are becase hanhua reads these posts:-)...thanks again....todd

[zachm611 3]

If anythiing I would send her some flowers there are many websites that are specifically for sending flowers overseas I am not at home now, using cell phone but if you like I can give you a website when I get home evenb just half dozen roses and a small simple card saying I love you and I'm sorry I hope you understand how much you mean to me etc something along those lines I'm sure will make her day...btw its not just chinese girls its not about race its about females lol good luck!

[oceanshark 2]

Sam is DAMN right...use this link and send her something NOW: http://www.cnflowernet.com/

With the lag time of the mail service, she has to continue to wait for you to do what you said originally. From my experience, nothing works better that to have sent her a package or a letter WITHOUT having told her. The distance of the relationship can be stressful, but relationships are works-in-progress. Remember, this girl is going to give up her whole world in China for you...so make sure that she is confident that she is making the right decision, okay? :thumbs:

Good luck!

CNflowernet was awesome!!!!!!!!! not only did she get it with in 2 days, the bears were 3X the size i thought they would be! they are HUGE! i seanr winne the pooh bear, as my last name is winne and a fluffy, white bear for yer daughter yuixan, wiht a red scarf!!!!! as well as a dozen roses! it was awesome to se my honey so happy:-) i recommend the site 1,000 percent!!!!!ty...todd

[pushbrk 12,092]

CNflowernet was awesome!!!!!!!!! not only did she get it with in 2 days, the bears were 3X the size i thought they would be! they are HUGE! i seanr winne the pooh bear, as my last name is winne and a fluffy, white bear for yer daughter yuixan, wiht a red scarf!!!!! as well as a dozen roses! it was awesome to se my honey so happy:-) i recommend the site 1,000 percent!!!!!ty...todd

Great. Now, next time you SAY you WILL DO something, follow through and actually DO it. Otherwise in a Chinese woman's eyes, you're just a liar. That's one of the main things she's looking for in a foreign man. Believe it and live it.

If you had refused to send a card or letter, you would have been a selfish, stingy jerk. Saying you would and then not doing it, made you a lying, selfish, stingy, jerk. Sending flowers and a teddy bear will be forgotten the second you break another promise. Count on it.

Edited February 26, 2011 by pushbrk