Personal Plans When You Become Too Old or Infirm

[Ban Hammer 12,829]

I will always be firm - they have a pill for that now.

"If you need Viagra, you're probably with the wrong woman." Donald Trump

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I married a lot younger so she can take care of me when I am old and infirm.

[SuperDuper! 230]

"If you need Viagra, you're probably with the wrong woman." Donald Trump

[Wayne and Claudia 40]

I will always be firm - they have a pill for that now.

and a few choices too

[Wayne and Claudia 40]

1. None

2. Of

3. Your

4. Business

[Ban Hammer 12,829]

a new avatar idea!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

3 to 1 English is not her primary language.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Just random but...

I know several of you are joking about "I married younger so she can deal with it" so I feel the need to divulge a little personal information because it honestly isn't funny ---

I am 27. My father is 91, my mother is 51. They have been married happily for 29 years (as of 24th Nov). I am one of 8 children of my fathers (4 of them mums as well), and not the youngest.

My mother never thought about my dad's age and honestly neither did we... until his health started to fail due to age... not bad living, simply age.

He was 85 or so when he had his very first heart attack. This diagnosed insulin dependent type 2 diabetes. He was never a fan of restricted diet and although he was still quite active, didn't need a walking stick or anything, mum was doing his needles and monitoring his sugar levels.

In 2007 he started to get very sick. At my sisters wedding he was hunching over slightly and she had to support him while he walked her down the aisle. Test after tests later (2 weeks after my sisters wedding while they were honeymooning) we got the news that he had idiopathic myelofibrosis. In short his bone marrow turns to fibrous tissue and he makes less and less red blood cells, meaning occasional blood transfusions. After his first transfusion the change was amazing. He no longer hunched over and he was almost himself again. 3 months later he needed another transfusion, and so on and so forth.

This year, prompting my return to Australia he didn't recognise mum one morning... he did eventually but it took a while. He started going to the bathroom in places not designed for bathroom, he started to get incontinent and the entire family thought he was dying. Doctors kept saying "it's just age". Nothing we said or did would make them look deeper... until my older sister contacted the doctors office and wouldn't take no for an answer. She had to take a week off work to come home and handle it.

It's since been discovered dad has dementia, periods of sundowners making life difficult (we think he had a stroke the change was so sudden, but with the blood disorder they won't risk an MRI). Mum works and so does my brother (who currently lives at home) so when i got home and spent the majority of the day with dad I could tell he should NEVER be left unsupervised. He would leave taps on, the stove on, put paper in the gas heater for no apparent reason. he would eat things without looking at what it was, sneak food out (which is odd because he's never "snuck" food before). We made the decision to put him in respite care while i handled things that needed to be done at home. Not only have I had to remove doors to obtain keys for locks that dad has lost somewhere in his "collection", (if we sell the house.. which we might have to, we need keys) but the entire family had the immense joy of cleaning up 30 years of hoarding in an extremely large shed (at least 12 regular cars would easily fit in it). Dad always said "you can deal with it when I'm dead" and it's only now that we've started it that we've thought more about how selfish that thought was...

He's been in the "home" a month and they had to put a monitor on him because he tries to leave (not realising where he is, he just wants to go for walks). His health has improved dramatically, so has the incontinence and his diabetes is so well under control they lowered his insulin dose. With the proper structure of the home he can now walk long distances again, he has gained back some of the 12kgs he lost when we thought he was dying. It was discovered by a geriatrician (old person doc) that the regular doc gave him tablets that would make him pee a lot. This made him get up at night to get a drink, where he'd eat ... putting his morning sugar up and confusing us.

Why does all this matter? Luckily all the proper paperwork was in place years ago (guardianship, and medical & financial powers of attorney and of course Will). Once you are no longer of sound mind you can't sign those documents (or you can but anyone can try and over turn them). It has never ceased to shock people that all these documents were in place. The home never expected us to have them all but we know how important they are as I (and my sister) used to deal with such legal issues on a daily basis. Some people don't like to think about the worst, but they make the assumption "the worst" is death, when it's not.

The worst is having family members taken advantage of because there's no document in place to protect them. Without a guardianship doc ANYONE can petition to make those decisions for dad (where to live, who can see him etc) and his close family need never know before it's too late and you need to go to court. Then there's the Will. Disgusting people taking advantage of people while they're mentally incapacitated and re-drawing a Will (you can fight that in court but $$$), other people who contest the Will who obviously have no claim but you end up having to pay off because 1. There's no note about WHY they're not eligible in the Will (you should always have something written about who gets nothing and why) 2. it drains the estate fighting the battle so you end up settling just to make them go away.

Death is hard, but dealing with all the legal and financial hassles whilst trying to grieve for a loved one makes it even harder. I'm just lucky, and so is mum, that we are/were protected long ago. Because of that dad's transition has been easier. It still hurts of course and mum deals with feelings of guilt a lot (they never discussed a nursing home) but we are able to make decisions on his behalf without having to see lawyers or attend court to make it happen.

So while you think it's funny to write "I married young, she can deal with it". It's actually quite mean and thoughtless. Not to mention if and when you have kids, it's incredibly hard on us too.

Edited November 1, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[spookyturtle 9,465]

Excellent post.

[luckytxn 2,263]

Just random but...

I know several of you are joking about "I married younger so she can deal with it" so I feel the need to divulge a little personal information because it honestly isn't funny ---

I am 27. My father is 91, my mother is 51. They have been married happily for 29 years (as of 24th Nov). I am one of 8 children of my fathers (4 of them mums as well), and not the youngest.

My mother never thought about my dad's age and honestly neither did we... until his health started to fail due to age... not bad living, simply age.

He was 85 or so when he had his very first heart attack. This diagnosed insulin dependent type 2 diabetes. He was never a fan of restricted diet and although he was still quite active, didn't need a walking stick or anything, mum was doing his needles and monitoring his sugar levels.

In 2007 he started to get very sick. At my sisters wedding he was hunching over slightly and she had to support him while he walked her down the aisle. Test after tests later (2 weeks after my sisters wedding while they were honeymooning) we got the news that he had idiopathic myelofibrosis. In short his bone marrow turns to fibrous tissue and he makes less and less red blood cells, meaning occasional blood transfusions. After his first transfusion the change was amazing. He no longer hunched over and he was almost himself again. 3 months later he needed another transfusion, and so on and so forth.

This year, prompting my return to Australia he didn't recognise mum one morning... he did eventually but it took a while. He started going to the bathroom in places not designed for bathroom, he started to get incontinent and the entire family thought he was dying. Doctors kept saying "it's just age". Nothing we said or did would make them look deeper... until my older sister contacted the doctors office and wouldn't take no for an answer. She had to take a week off work to come home and handle it.

It's since been discovered dad has dementia, periods of sundowners making life difficult (we think he had a stroke the change was so sudden, but with the blood disorder they won't risk an MRI). Mum works and so does my brother (who currently lives at home) so when i got home and spent the majority of the day with dad I could tell he should NEVER be left unsupervised. He would leave taps on, the stove on, put paper in the gas heater for no apparent reason. he would eat things without looking at what it was, sneak food out (which is odd because he's never "snuck" food before). We made the decision to put him in respite care while i handled things that needed to be done at home. Not only have I had to remove doors to obtain keys for locks that dad has lost somewhere in his "collection", (if we sell the house.. which we might have to, we need keys) but the entire family had the immense joy of cleaning up 30 years of hoarding in an extremely large shed (at least 12 regular cars would easily fit in it). Dad always said "you can deal with it when I'm dead" and it's only now that we've started it that we've thought more about how selfish that thought was...

He's been in the "home" a month and they had to put a monitor on him because he tries to leave (not realising where he is, he just wants to go for walks). His health has improved dramatically, so has the incontinence and his diabetes is so well under control they lowered his insulin dose. With the proper structure of the home he can now walk long distances again, he has gained back some of the 12kgs he lost when we thought he was dying. It was discovered by a geriatrician (old person doc) that the regular doc gave him tablets that would make him pee a lot. This made him get up at night to get a drink, where he'd eat ... putting his morning sugar up and confusing us.

Why does all this matter? Luckily all the proper paperwork was in place years ago (guardianship, and medical & financial powers of attorney and of course Will). Once you are no longer of sound mind you can't sign those documents (or you can but anyone can try and over turn them). It has never ceased to shock people that all these documents were in place. The home never expected us to have them all but we know how important they are as I (and my sister) used to deal with such legal issues on a daily basis. Some people don't like to think about the worst, but they make the assumption "the worst" is death, when it's not.

The worst is having family members taken advantage of because there's no document in place to protect them. Without a guardianship doc ANYONE can petition to make those decisions for dad (where to live, who can see him etc) and his close family need never know before it's too late and you need to go to court. Then there's the Will. Disgusting people taking advantage of people while they're mentally incapacitated and re-drawing a Will (you can fight that in court but $$), other people who contest the Will who obviously have no claim but you end up having to pay off because 1. There's no note about WHY they're not eligible in the Will (you should always have something written about who gets nothing and why) 2. it drains the estate fighting the battle so you end up settling just to make them go away.

Death is hard, but dealing with all the legal and financial hassles whilst trying to grieve for a loved one makes it even harder. I'm just lucky, and so is mum, that we are/were protected long ago. Because of that dad's transition has been easier. It still hurts of course and mum deals with feelings of guilt a lot (they never discussed a nursing home) but we are able to make decisions on his behalf without having to see lawyers or attend court to make it happen.

So while you think it's funny to write "I married young, she can deal with it". It's actually quite mean and thoughtless. Not to mention if and when you have kids, it's incredibly hard on us too.

No I really married a young hot babe to care for me when I grow old.

[^_^ 5,021]

1. Do you and your spouse have an Advance Directive? If not, do you know what it is?

2. MPOA (Medical Power of Attorney)? And if so, is it someone other than a family member?

3. If You or your spouse become infirm and can no longer be taken care of at home, will you consider a long term care facility?

4. Have you ever had a family member live at a long term care facility? If so, what was your overall impression of the quality of care?

1 no, yes

2 no

3 i probably can't afford it. I dont have ltc coverage.

4 no

[scandal 951]

4. Have you ever had a family member live at a long term care facility? If so, what was your overall impression of the quality of care?

Yes. My grandmother has been in a LTC for the past 4 years. It's absolutely horrible and I wouldn't wish her fate on anyone. The caretakers are compassionate and care well for her. But it's a degrading, meaningless existence - just waiting for the inevitable end. I pray it comes swiftly for her.

Edited November 1, 2010 by scandal

[justashooter 430]

it starts with a 4 and ends with a 5. right atrium makes it real, and allows for an open casket.

[justashooter 430]

his face says "jeeze, can you imagine what my child support payments are going to be like?"

hers says, "well, at least my boobs got bigger."