She's Afraid of the USA...

[Vivi6 12]

Yes, I am dependable. I have a nice home, I own my own company (not rich). I do ok. She speaks great english. She is not very close with her mother, but very close to her two younger brothers. She is not poor by any means. and has a great job there. So she is giving up so much to be with me, and I almost feel like I'm not worth it... Just a regular guy... But we are so in love, and we always say that it doesn't matter where we live, as long as we are together.

I gave up a great job in Milan, and I am an only child...I broke my mother's heart (not very close to my dad) when I decided to leave. She still has not come around, but I know she will. Sometimes you have to make a decision and accept the consequences. I know I am far from my family, I know whatever happens I am 14 hours away, I know I miss my mom and friends like crazy everyday, but my husband knows all of this as well and we have accepted it. He will be at my side through thick and thin, and this is what marriage is about. Our K1 journey was rocky at times, we both had our good share of doubts but one thing we knew was that we could not be apart. We started the biggest adventure of our life when we got married, and as of today, despite the sacrifice , I think it was the best decision I have ever made.

The fact the she knows English means one less obstacle:) She'll have no problems at meeting new people and at job interviews. She will be able to watch movies and TV and I think that is a plus when you are waiting for work authorization! Depending on where you live there might be a Russian/Ukrainian community, and maybe cultural centers. I know there is an Italian Cultural Center here in San Diego and they organize meetings, classes, and all kinds of events.

I hope this helps a little...good luck!

[IndigoSkies 168]

To the OP, if you're in love and she's scared of coming to America, why don't you move to Ukraine?

[kennym 275]

Landlord

I think there are many relationships that have gone through the same questions. I for one have dealt with the same issues. My Fiancee is very close to all her family. In addition, the news they hear about the US is scarry for someone who's never been to the US. I often laugh (or sometimes cry) when my friends tell me that the only thing the foriegn fiancee wants is a greencard.. Bullsh!7.. If you've been fortunate enough to visit many foriegn countries, most will agree, the life outside the US can be rich and filled with ideals long forgotten by americans such as family and knowing how to seperate the stress of work, the economy, and finances from being able to relax with loved ones. Leaving the culture of some of the countries and comming to the US which has a whole diferent set of priorities, and culture isn't really something that most foreigners look forward to. In fact, if I was independantly wealthy, and didn't need to work, I am certain my Fiancee and I would love to stay in her home country.

My fiancee and I have spent a lot of time to develop confidence in each-other to ensure that we would work together to get through the hard transition. I agree 100% that there needs to be a sort of peace knowing that home is a plane ride away and that option is always open. Whether it is an emergency or simply a promise that there will be planned trips home on some sort of regular bases, once or twice a year, is something that will make them feel that they're not so far from the people back in their hometown. I beleive in time, home will eventually be wherever you are for both of you. But a foriegn country brings a lot of unknowns to many especially if they're not accustomed to travel.

I count my blessing everyday. for one; is having the courage to seek and develope a relationship thousands of mile away, but second; to have found someone as wonderful as my fiancee.. I am willing to make the sacrifices needed to ensure she maintains the family life she's know all her life..

Just make her feel you understand her feelings and her needs, and that you will be there for her, to encourage her and help her through the adjustment. and if at anytime, she cannot find the strength to stay, she always has the option to return.. The Key is to make sure you make her feel as comfortable as possible and help her to adjust to her new life, and I'm certain she'll want to stay..

Kenny

[Brad and Vika 129]

Be completey open and honest about the long adjustment period she will need. Above all, BE PATIENT with her. The process, or journey won't really get started until she arrives - even though it feels like it has been going on forever. Vika and her friends all say that it takes about three years (we are at about 1.5) to be comfortable. The first year, she will miss Ukraine terribly, and all that impies. The second year, she will feel torn in two, with heart and home in both places. It isn't until year three that she feels calm inside. Personally i think Vika is moving along a bit faster than this, but the principle is the same.

Vika is here watching me write this, and is commenting on how terrible the first few months can be. She reminded me just now that even though she had been here before, and we met here in America, when the reality that she was leaving home forever set in it was the most difficult thing she ever faced. We are happy, and she doesn't regret anything - but that doesn't change the facts. She says that it is important for you to bear with your SO during all the hesitation, panic, and maybe tears early on. You won't regret it.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

The suggestion above that your fiancee might wish to join VJ and 'meet' some of the other members in the RUB community here is a good one as well. If she doesn't wish to do that, then perhaps there are some of the Ukrainian spouses of VJ members who have already taken this big step and who are here now who might be willing to start an email exchange with your fiancee. She would be able to ask them questions from a Ukrainian perspective that you might not fully appreciate but they would, and she can find some additional reassurances that way. As well, it would give her some 'friends' here in the US even if they are not in the same State. Having that sort of continuity and support can go a long way to making it easier to face the fears that arise. Good luck.

[Dana-Mića 51]

This is such a great topic. I got married on March 27th of this year and am planing to start the visa process for my husband at the end of august. I am all ready depressed over the fact that I am not next to him or him next to me but am praying that I can go over there in October and stay till he gets his visa. He also doesn't want to come here in fact he says it is his worse night mare but I made a deal with him that he has to come here for a few years and if he doesn't like it than we can go back to Serbia. We'll see how it goes once the time comes.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Be completey open and honest about the long adjustment period she will need. Above all, BE PATIENT with her. The process, or journey won't really get started until she arrives - even though it feels like it has been going on forever. Vika and her friends all say that it takes about three years (we are at about 1.5) to be comfortable. The first year, she will miss Ukraine terribly, and all that impies. The second year, she will feel torn in two, with heart and home in both places. It isn't until year three that she feels calm inside. Personally i think Vika is moving along a bit faster than this, but the principle is the same.

Vika is here watching me write this, and is commenting on how terrible the first few months can be. She reminded me just now that even though she had been here before, and we met here in America, when the reality that she was leaving home forever set in it was the most difficult thing she ever faced. We are happy, and she doesn't regret anything - but that doesn't change the facts. She says that it is important for you to bear with your SO during all the hesitation, panic, and maybe tears early on. You won't regret it.

Good advice Brad (and Vika...Zdrastvootye Vika! Kak Dela?) If I forgot to mention PATIENCE it was a huge oversight. HUGE. You are going to need the patience of a saint and more but in addition, you will have SO much fun and so many laughs, it is worth it.

[achswife 0]

My hubby is going threw it a bit too, it's normal 100% GOOD LUCK!

[Darnell 8,478]

The suggestion above that your fiancee might wish to join VJ and 'meet' some of the other members in the RUB community here is a good one as well. If she doesn't wish to do that, then perhaps there are some of the Ukrainian spouses of VJ members who have already taken this big step and who are here now who might be willing to start an email exchange with your fiancee. She would be able to ask them questions from a Ukrainian perspective that you might not fully appreciate but they would, and she can find some additional reassurances that way. As well, it would give her some 'friends' here in the US even if they are not in the same State. Having that sort of continuity and support can go a long way to making it easier to face the fears that arise. Good luck.

Aren't the majority of the RUB community USC Spouses? With a slight bent on guns and pie ? (Just asking, not trying to throw flame bait or incite to riot )

[Brad and Vika 129]

The suggestion above that your fiancee might wish to join VJ and 'meet' some of the other members in the RUB community here is a good one as well. If she doesn't wish to do that, then perhaps there are some of the Ukrainian spouses of VJ members who have already taken this big step and who are here now who might be willing to start an email exchange with your fiancee. She would be able to ask them questions from a Ukrainian perspective that you might not fully appreciate but they would, and she can find some additional reassurances that way. As well, it would give her some 'friends' here in the US even if they are not in the same State. Having that sort of continuity and support can go a long way to making it easier to face the fears that arise. Good luck.

I am sure Vika would communicate with her if the OP wants. She has spoken with several VJ non-USC spouses. Also, there are forums in cyrillic for wives and fiance's leaving the FSU. I think one is called Russian wives or something. Be aware that some of the advice there might scare her even more. Lots of horror stories circulated, but also lots of posts from Ukrainians and Russians that made the jump successfully. Vika reads this stuff, and gets mad enough to post when she sees posts like "the food in America is so bad" etc.

[Casper&Diana 0]

I think we all agree anxiety is just a part of this process (as are so many other emotions!) I like the comment that your fiancee meet, or get to know through the myriad of electronic means we have available these days, with your family and friends before coming. I think that makes the 'fear of the unknown' less intense.

In our case we were fortunate that we could meet 4 times before moving to US. (Interview in 2 weeks!) The first time I went to her in Ukraine alone. That told me she was "The One" but my two daughters made we swear I wouldn't marry someone they hadn't met! So, for Thanksgiving last year I brought my daughters (and my sister and her boyfriend) to Mexico and also flew Diana and Denys (her son) there as well. We all got along famously and I proposed on Thanksgiving Day with all the children (hers and mine)in attendance.

Later I had a conference in Dubai and she came down to meet me there, do some shopping, and even helped me worked my company's booth in the tradeshow. After that we got to make another vacation in February to St. Pete (RU), the Baltic States, and Finland. (Note to self--do NOT make holidays in the Baltics and Finland in February again!). She got to meet some more of my family and friends on that trip as well.

All that goes to say that she has had a chance to meet me multiple times under multiple circumstances as well as my girls and other family members. As a mother she is very concerned for the welfare of her son (more than her own) and since the son and I and my daughters get along so well I think that has gone a long way to calm her fears of the unknown since there are a lot fewer "unknowns" now.

Everybody's experience is different. This was mine. Hope that helps.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I am sure Vika would communicate with her if the OP wants. She has spoken with several VJ non-USC spouses. Also, there are forums in cyrillic for wives and fiance's leaving the FSU. I think one is called Russian wives or something. Be aware that some of the advice there might scare her even more. Lots of horror stories circulated, but also lots of posts from Ukrainians and Russians that made the jump successfully. Vika reads this stuff, and gets mad enough to post when she sees posts like "the food in America is so bad" etc.

Who's doing the cooking? I can just imagine Alla telling her mother... "the food here is bad"

Darnell, I think that Kathryn meant for his fiancee to communicate with our wives/fiancees, not US. Although we aren't so bad and guns and pie are good American things to learn about.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I think we all agree anxiety is just a part of this process (as are so many other emotions!) I like the comment that your fiancee meet, or get to know through the myriad of electronic means we have available these days, with your family and friends before coming. I think that makes the 'fear of the unknown' less intense.

In our case we were fortunate that we could meet 4 times before moving to US. (Interview in 2 weeks!) The first time I went to her in Ukraine alone. That told me she was "The One" but my two daughters made we swear I wouldn't marry someone they hadn't met! So, for Thanksgiving last year I brought my daughters (and my sister and her boyfriend) to Mexico and also flew Diana and Denys (her son) there as well. We all got along famously and I proposed on Thanksgiving Day with all the children (hers and mine)in attendance.

Later I had a conference in Dubai and she came down to meet me there, do some shopping, and even helped me worked my company's booth in the tradeshow. After that we got to make another vacation in February to St. Pete (RU), the Baltic States, and Finland. (Note to self--do NOT make holidays in the Baltics and Finland in February again!). She got to meet some more of my family and friends on that trip as well.

All that goes to say that she has had a chance to meet me multiple times under multiple circumstances as well as my girls and other family members. As a mother she is very concerned for the welfare of her son (more than her own) and since the son and I and my daughters get along so well I think that has gone a long way to calm her fears of the unknown since there are a lot fewer "unknowns" now.

Everybody's experience is different. This was mine. Hope that helps.

Sounds like you got it under control, Casper. All you can do is all you can do.

Ah, St Petersburg in February....

[LA80 3]

Sorry, This is off the subject of K-1 Visa procedures, But I don't know where else to post this. We are just beginning our visa Journey, and she is starting to become scared. Scared of leaving her wonderful city (Lviv) And all her friends and family. She will have no one here but me. Not to mention the USA isn't the greatest place to live these days... It's not like she wants to leave her home either. But we are just so in love... What can I tell her to make her feel more comfortable about coming here?

You will have to convince her that you will be there for her and will not let the things that she is afraid of happen. I was afraid of moving to the USA when I met my husband, so he came to my country where we married and lived for 3 years. We came here in November 2008, and I must tell you that all the things that I was afraid of have already happened. Absolutely no one, except my dear husband, helped me adjust and assimilate. He was shocked too. It actually seems to me that his family only made things worse. I will be able to apply for citizenship in 2011, but I seriously wonder if that would be a smart move. The good thing is that my husband and I have a great relationship. I also tease him sometimes that he is my little girlfriend. However, I wish I had friends and family here because he is under lots of pressure and cannot play all those roles. Make sure that your girl does not feel isolated and that she feels comfortable in the new society because her new home will be there.

[1American1 0]

Yes, thank you all. She feels a little better now, after I talked with her. But I really do believe that she will not like the USA. It is so much different than what she is used to. Like for example, I just went to our farmers market to find out if I could purchase "fresh" milk, straight from a cow. The lady at the dairy said "no, it is illegal in VA to sell milk that way" OMG! Really? I know it seems minor, but that's just one example she will hate. Especially when USA is supposed to be the "country of freedom". We are forced to cut our grass, or we will be fined... Stuff like that is just bad. And there is so many "little" things like that- that will drive her crazy. I only hope her love for me will be enough to keep her here.

P.S. If I could afford to live there, and speak the language, I would move there in a second!