husbands attitude

[phopho06 0]

hello guys

i really need advice regarding with the attitude of my husband and my condition..we got married and things is working out good and now we are 6 months married my 2yrs green card is coming.. and his attitude is showing now. when my friend invite me to come over there house he dont want me to go considering i already have a license and i know the directions where to go and he said now so i didnt insists it and my friend called back and they will just go to my house to bring me food and he dont want them to come, i feel like his controlling me. and whne my friends call me he gets mad if you are talking our language and not english.i dont understand him. and he always said F*** words. the only happiness i have is the phone coz the tv has one channel only and i cant use internet always coz i scared we might over the limit. and he gets mad with it i live in the country.. and no neighbors at all what should i do plzz. help some times i feeel like getting out of the marriage.. and is that possible if ever i will get 2 yrs green card?(just in case) and by the way age gap is 39yrs

thanks need advice plz help

[phopho06 0]

hello guys

i really need advice regarding with the attitude of my husband and my condition..we got married and things is working out good and now we are 6 months married my 2yrs green card is coming.. and his attitude is showing now. when my friend invite me to come over there house he dont want me to go considering i already have a license and i know the directions where to go and he said now so i didnt insists it and my friend called back and they will just go to my house to bring me food and he dont want them to come, i feel like his controlling me. and whne my friends call me he gets mad if you are talking our language and not english.i dont understand him. and he always said F*** words. the only happiness i have is the phone coz the tv has one channel only and i cant use internet always coz i scared we might over the limit. and he gets mad with it i live in the country.. and no neighbors at all what should i do plzz. help some times i feeel like getting out of the marriage.. and is that possible if ever i will get 2 yrs green card?(just in case) and by the way age gap is 39yrs

thanks need advice plz help

i need advice plzzzzzzzzzz. help me

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Not sure what your looking for.

Either you two need marriage counseling (the 39 year age gap is huge), or you need to re-consider your marriage and perhaps going back home after the divorce.

If you get the green card, you could file for divorce, and attempt to remove conditions yourself.

You will have to make that decision.

Edited December 24, 2009 by Bobby_Umit

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

He's trying to control you because he's old and he thinks you will find a good looking young guy and leave him.

[justashooter 430]

hello guys

i really need advice regarding with the attitude of my husband and my condition..we got married and things is working out good and now we are 6 months married my 2yrs green card is coming.. and his attitude is showing now. when my friend invite me to come over there house he dont want me to go considering i already have a license and i know the directions where to go and he said now so i didnt insists it and my friend called back and they will just go to my house to bring me food and he dont want them to come, i feel like his controlling me. and whne my friends call me he gets mad if you are talking our language and not english.i dont understand him. and he always said F*** words. the only happiness i have is the phone coz the tv has one channel only and i cant use internet always coz i scared we might over the limit. and he gets mad with it i live in the country.. and no neighbors at all what should i do plzz. help some times i feeel like getting out of the marriage.. and is that possible if ever i will get 2 yrs green card?(just in case) and by the way age gap is 39yrs

thanks need advice plz help

living in the country and being on a limited bandwith internet is tough on any new immigrant. having a husband who is not comfortable with your native language or people from your country is even worse. my wife has a chinese friend with a husband similar to yours, so we hear this often.

you need to change your situation enuf to make it liveable, or you need to get out of it. start by writing your husband a letter, explaining to him the things you need to do to keep your sanity. explain to him that you have not yet adjusted to America, and that it might take you a few years to do so. write that you need to keep a part of your PI personality alive while developing a new American persona. put it on paper, as logically as you can.

if this doesn't work, suggest marriage counseling. tell your husband you are very unhappy and that you need to involve a 3rd party negotiator to help him understand how you feel. if he won't agree to this, tell him you are considering divorce. if he still won't agree, then you are in a difficult corner, and should be ready to move over to a girlfriend's house to show that you are serious.

whatever you do, respect your husband and remember that he has gone to a lot of trouble to bring you here. respect him for his accomplishment, not only at present, but also in the past. tell him you admire him and the things that he has been able to acheive, but that you need to be who you are while you are busy developing who you can be.

try to avoid divorce, but don't kill yourself to remain married. if he is worth his salt he will man up and accept you, and will make room in his life for your needs. remember that this is a difficult time for him, as well. he has given up his independence to be with you, and might be jealous or feel left out when you are talking to friends in a language he can't understand (try talking to them in english when he is around and see if it makes thigns different).

if your friends do come to your house be sure to remind them to use english when your husband is around, and to express some interest in him, engaging him in conversation. he is prolly used to being alone, and may feel like his home is "invaded" if there is nothing in the interaction for him. he needs time to get used to the change, too.

i have been with a chinese for 5 years, and remember that it was a leap of faith to listen to her talk in a local dialect i could'nt understand. it was a bizarre thing to accept so many "strangers" with strange faces into my life, even though i had lived there for some time. prior to meeting my wife, i had always been able to close the door and shut out china. once she moved in with me i had to accept it entirely.

give your husband time to adjust, but don't die doing it. if you kill yourself to be with him, it will poison the relationship.

[SunShineFL1012 0]

have you tried talking to your husband about what you feel? tell him upfront that you would like to have filipino friends and assure him that you wouldn't stray from your marriage. be true to your words.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

hello guys

i really need advice regarding with the attitude of my husband and my condition..we got married and things is working out good and now we are 6 months married my 2yrs green card is coming.. and his attitude is showing now. when my friend invite me to come over there house he dont want me to go considering i already have a license and i know the directions where to go and he said now so i didnt insists it and my friend called back and they will just go to my house to bring me food and he dont want them to come, i feel like his controlling me. and whne my friends call me he gets mad if you are talking our language and not english.i dont understand him. and he always said F*** words. the only happiness i have is the phone coz the tv has one channel only and i cant use internet always coz i scared we might over the limit. and he gets mad with it i live in the country.. and no neighbors at all what should i do plzz. help some times i feeel like getting out of the marriage.. and is that possible if ever i will get 2 yrs green card?(just in case) and by the way age gap is 39yrs

thanks need advice plz help

He is 40 years older and doesn't trust you. He is sure you will find a younger guy. He cannot deal with it. You need marriage counseling or to get out of the relationship

[Jasman0717 8]

have you tried talking to your husband about what you feel? tell him upfront that you would like to have filipino friends and assure him that you wouldn't stray from your marriage. be true to your words.

Always a good idea, try to communicate. If you are being abused, emotionally or physically, you need to get to a solution whether it is sitting down and talking to him or getting out. I kind of get short tempered with Claudeth from time to time becuase of our cultural differences and certainly need to work at trying better to understand her.

For your husband to stifle your contacts with friends isn't a very good sign. You really need to try and talk this through with him. If he refuses then you have some hard decisions to make.

Is your husband considerably older than you? That is another problem with us, by the end of the day I am pretty tired so sometimes I don't want to go out but I also can't punish my wife because I am tired. She seems to have the ability to wrap me around her little finger though so usually gets her way.

Does your husband take you anywhere for entertainment? That is important, especially if you are home alot. I used to take Claudeth karaoking but she doesn't seem to want to do that any more.

I hope, for your sake, you are able to work through these issues and have a happy and fruitful life.

Merry Christmas!

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Moved from AOS forum to "Moving Here and Your New Life in America" forum as more appropriate location.

Moderator hat off now:

You are still newlyweds. Every marriage is an exercise in compromise. Each partner has to learn how to live with another person - often a very different person - in their lives. The first year of marriage is almost always the hardest because both individuals are still learning about each other and having to make major adjustments in both their expectations and the reality of the new life. Literally, you are building a new life together - and that is not an easy thing to do, no matter what any one else may say to the contrary.

Your husband is older and he has become accustomed to his life in his way. You have moved 'into' his existing life, so the changes are going to be harder for him to make. Change is also harder to do as you get older. While you are feeling he is being inconsiderate and lacking in understanding, he is seeing you as trying to build a life separate from him. You have friends he doesn't know, speak a language together he doesn't speak, and want to go out and have fun without him. He probably sees these things as very threatening. He doesn't seem willing to make some of the adjustments you need him to make, either, though, so both of you need to be more understanding of the problems the other is facing. His frustration seems to be showing by his swearing and his resistance to making any changes.

Quite honestly, I think both of you would benefit from having some sort of marriage counselling. You are both dealing with a new marriage, an age difference, a cultural difference, a language difference and all of the resulting differences in expectations. You need to talk about these and learn more about how to live together as a couple - and what adjustments both of you need to make and are willing or able to make. If some of these necessary adjustments are not possible, then that is when the two of you need to look at if this marriage is able to survive or not.

Good luck to you both.

[marklovetina 52]

hello guys

i really need advice regarding with the attitude of my husband and my condition..we got married and things is working out good and now we are 6 months married my 2yrs green card is coming.. and his attitude is showing now. when my friend invite me to come over there house he dont want me to go considering i already have a license and i know the directions where to go and he said now so i didnt insists it and my friend called back and they will just go to my house to bring me food and he dont want them to come, i feel like his controlling me. and whne my friends call me he gets mad if you are talking our language and not english.i dont understand him. and he always said F*** words. the only happiness i have is the phone coz the tv has one channel only and i cant use internet always coz i scared we might over the limit. and he gets mad with it i live in the country.. and no neighbors at all what should i do plzz. help some times i feeel like getting out of the marriage.. and is that possible if ever i will get 2 yrs green card?(just in case) and by the way age gap is 39yrs

thanks need advice plz help

HELLO SIS!!!, oh i didnt know that ur having a problem there in ur hubz, but anyways, i want to greet u a merry x-mas and wish u and ur hubz a bountiful new year... pho.... i understand what u feel... u love ur hubz right..? and think he loves u too.. remember ur age gap is 39 yrs.. if there is a thing that u cant be deal with talk to him and give the best of u to understand ur situation... he loves u and when a man loves a woman then he will understand what ever it is... yeah right 39 yrs. is really a big age gap sis... lots of things between a young and an old man is difficult to understand... both of u should communicate well... and yes not proper if u talk in filipino when ur hubz is around, u can do it if he is not around hehehe.. remember he can't understand filipno, but u can teach him, i do that to my hubz hehehe, and think it works good.... u can try it too sis.... when u get ur GC filing a divorce is an only option if he is really bad to u... but i think u can solve it if u both really want it... just a simple problem... tell to ur hubz that u want a filipino friends, as u said no neighbors at ur place right... and having filipino friends will ease ur boredom there and will give u happiness too.... and tell hubz also u need to use internet, oh why the internet is not unlimited...?, u just arrived there in USA, and u need to talk and see ur family always here in the Phil. and pls. give each other time to adjust!!!!

goodluck to u sis!!, i know u can do it baby!!!

Edited December 24, 2009 by godsgift

[phopho06 0]

living in the country and being on a limited bandwith internet is tough on any new immigrant. having a husband who is not comfortable with your native language or people from your country is even worse. my wife has a chinese friend with a husband similar to yours, so we hear this often.

you need to change your situation enuf to make it liveable, or you need to get out of it. start by writing your husband a letter, explaining to him the things you need to do to keep your sanity. explain to him that you have not yet adjusted to America, and that it might take you a few years to do so. write that you need to keep a part of your PI personality alive while developing a new American persona. put it on paper, as logically as you can.

if this doesn't work, suggest marriage counseling. tell your husband you are very unhappy and that you need to involve a 3rd party negotiator to help him understand how you feel. if he won't agree to this, tell him you are considering divorce. if he still won't agree, then you are in a difficult corner, and should be ready to move over to a girlfriend's house to show that you are serious.

whatever you do, respect your husband and remember that he has gone to a lot of trouble to bring you here. respect him for his accomplishment, not only at present, but also in the past. tell him you admire him and the things that he has been able to acheive, but that you need to be who you are while you are busy developing who you can be.

try to avoid divorce, but don't kill yourself to remain married. if he is worth his salt he will man up and accept you, and will make room in his life for your needs. remember that this is a difficult time for him, as well. he has given up his independence to be with you, and might be jealous or feel left out when you are talking to friends in a language he can't understand (try talking to them in english when he is around and see if it makes thigns different).

if your friends do come to your house be sure to remind them to use english when your husband is around, and to express some interest in him, engaging him in conversation. he is prolly used to being alone, and may feel like his home is "invaded" if there is nothing in the interaction for him. he needs time to get used to the change, too.

i have been with a chinese for 5 years, and remember that it was a leap of faith to listen to her talk in a local dialect i could'nt understand. it was a bizarre thing to accept so many "strangers" with strange faces into my life, even though i had lived there for some time. prior to meeting my wife, i had always been able to close the door and shut out china. once she moved in with me i had to accept it entirely.

give your husband time to adjust, but don't die doing it. if you kill yourself to be with him, it will poison the relationship.

thanks so much for that i will try your advice

[phopho06 0]

have you tried talking to your husband about what you feel? tell him upfront that you would like to have filipino friends and assure him that you wouldn't stray from your marriage. be true to your words.

yeah i didi but he doesnt understand the first time i came here it fine with him for me to have friends and now his changing .. i feel he doesnt like them even if they are very nice invite him for dinner and give him Christmas gift . and they welcome him in there home.. but i dont know with them i really dont understand.

[phopho06 0]

HELLO SIS!!!, oh i didnt know that ur having a problem there in ur hubz, but anyways, i want to greet u a merry x-mas and wish u and ur hubz a bountiful new year... pho.... i understand what u feel... u love ur hubz right..? and think he loves u too.. remember ur age gap is 39 yrs.. if there is a thing that u cant be deal with talk to him and give the best of u to understand ur situation... he loves u and when a man loves a woman then he will understand what ever it is... yeah right 39 yrs. is really a big age gap sis... lots of things between a young and an old man is difficult to understand... both of u should communicate well... and yes not proper if u talk in filipino when ur hubz is around, u can do it if he is not around hehehe.. remember he can't understand filipno, but u can teach him, i do that to my hubz hehehe, and think it works good.... u can try it too sis.... when u get ur GC filing a divorce is an only option if he is really bad to u... but i think u can solve it if u both really want it... just a simple problem... tell to ur hubz that u want a filipino friends, as u said no neighbors at ur place right... and having filipino friends will ease ur boredom there and will give u happiness too.... and tell hubz also u need to use internet, oh why the internet is not unlimited...?, u just arrived there in USA, and u need to talk and see ur family always here in the Phil. and pls. give each other time to adjust!!!!

goodluck to u sis!!, i know u can do it baby!!!

hello sis.. uu sis im having them problem im trying my veyr best to explain to him thing but i tihnk hes not open minded enough and some times i feel like a prisoner in there jungle world.. it makes me really sad.. even if i try to understand him.. ad some times i just want to cry.. coz every time i try to tell him its like my tears just want to jump out of my eyes.. i really fell sooo sad..

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I don't mean to be rude but here is my opinion:

The main thing I see is you're trying to find excuses to get out now you've "put up with him" for 2 years. It honestly reads like you got into this relationship for the greencard.

Also, speaking in a foreign language with someone who doesn't speak it around you is EXTREMELY rude, like EXTREMELY rude. I personally would feel like you're trying to keep secrets and laughing about him behind his back.

a 40 year age gap IS huge but my parents have been happily married for almost 30 years with a 40 year age gap so this is not an excuse. This is the people, not the relationship or age-gap.

As for the internet "limit".. if you were in Australia I would understand that as we have a limit, but in the US 99.9% of internet plans are unlimited.

I think a lot of people saying that it's fear of losing you are correct. You constantly on the phone, talking in another language with him around.. these would worry him that you're plotting leaving. There's obviously a lack of trust here and I truly hope that you can sit down and talk to him about it and sort it out.

Good luck.

[phopho06 0]

Moved from AOS forum to "Moving Here and Your New Life in America" forum as more appropriate location.

Moderator hat off now:

You are still newlyweds. Every marriage is an exercise in compromise. Each partner has to learn how to live with another person - often a very different person - in their lives. The first year of marriage is almost always the hardest because both individuals are still learning about each other and having to make major adjustments in both their expectations and the reality of the new life. Literally, you are building a new life together - and that is not an easy thing to do, no matter what any one else may say to the contrary.

Your husband is older and he has become accustomed to his life in his way. You have moved 'into' his existing life, so the changes are going to be harder for him to make. Change is also harder to do as you get older. While you are feeling he is being inconsiderate and lacking in understanding, he is seeing you as trying to build a life separate from him. You have friends he doesn't know, speak a language together he doesn't speak, and want to go out and have fun without him. He probably sees these things as very threatening. He doesn't seem willing to make some of the adjustments you need him to make, either, though, so both of you need to be more understanding of the problems the other is facing. His frustration seems to be showing by his swearing and his resistance to making any changes.

Quite honestly, I think both of you would benefit from having some sort of marriage counselling. You are both dealing with a new marriage, an age difference, a cultural difference, a language difference and all of the resulting differences in expectations. You need to talk about these and learn more about how to live together as a couple - and what adjustments both of you need to make and are willing or able to make. If some of these necessary adjustments are not possible, then that is when the two of you need to look at if this marriage is able to survive or not.

Good luck to you both.

when i go ut i ask him to come but because of his work some times he doesnt my friends always invite me in there home and him to but i relaly dont know why he doent like them but when he first met them his was ncie with them but now his not..i really dont know.. and one of my problem to if i want to buy some grocery he doenst like the thing i want to eat he always thing its expensive..