Husband's First Trip Back to Home Country Since Moving to U.S.

[MrsAmera 41]

I get what you're saying completely and I've often felt the same way. That being said my husband has been here a little over 3 years and has gone home every year for between 3weeks - a month. It's expensive, Idon't really like it but he really misses his family. We save and shop for the trip all year....that being said its still a huge financial burden IMO>

[Flames9_RN 358]

You feel the way you feel and that's ok. Feelings don't have to be rational. Accepting them and talking about them is a good thing. It helps you to calm down enough to make the right choice about what to do about them.

He'll go home for a few weeks. He'll reconnect with his family and friends. He'll say things that start with "Back home..." and be talking about your home together. He'll find himself talking about all the positive things in your life. Those things can be hard to remember while he's missing his family.

So tell him you're having a hard time with him going. But also tell him that you love him enough to let him go anyway. You've gotten some great advice on what to do with your alone time.

I really like that. One great thing about our relationship is that my husband and I can talk to each other about these sorts of things--you know, me about hating his leaving, and him about being unhappy and missing his family. We know how we feel, and neither of us are trying to change that.

Some of the people who responded had said that I was "guilt-tripping" my husband about going, or being selfish, etc. That's actually true of part of the situation--this thread is sort of part 2 of my story here. I think the "guilt-tripping" occurred in part 1. I guess you really need to hear the full story to understand the situation and what is ultimately my assessment of it.

To recap very shortly, part 1 is this:

My then-fiance moved down here, we got married and everything was fine. Six months later and completely out of the blue, my husband (very mild-mannered, normally) exclaims that he's very homesick and is thinking about moving back to Canada permanently and ending our marriage because he misses home too much. Rather than sit down with him and try to understand what's really going on, I went into full-throttle b!tch mode. Hence, the guilt-tripping. But after a lot of very helpful advice from my VJ buddies, I sort of realized that I should take a new approach to the situation and get rid of my old, angry attitude and try to see exactly what it is that my husband needs. We talked, and what we agreed on is that he would take a trip back to Canada once he got his green card (which happened a few days after our argument).

When that happened, my husband announced, "I'm going back to Canada for three weeks. I looked at fares and want to book." I told him, shouldn't he have talked to me first before making this unilateral decision about something that affect us both? He didn't want to listen and just ended up being really mean. I tried explaining that there's a difference between asserting your independence and being a complete jerk to the people who love you, but he didn't want to listen. It was an argument that was going nowhere, so I just kind of gave up and said, "OK, fine, let's do this." The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been so upset if he had just approached me differently and taken my feelings into consideration: "I would like to take my visit back to Canada for three weeks. Will you be OK here by yourself?" I would have said, "Yes, that's fine."

After all that nastiness, I tried to keep my complete and utter contempt of his trip back to Canada to myself because I wanted to show him that I could be understanding of his homesickness and wanting to go back. But then a few days ago, I just lost it and broke down and told him everything. How much I hated his leaving, how I'd tried not to tell him for so long, and how I didn't want him to feel terrible while he was up visiting family. He told me that he completely understood where I was coming from and was actually really appreciative that I was trying so hard to be supportive. We had a really long talk, and although nothing that was said changes the fact that he misses his family, and nothing changes the fact that I hate his leaving, we understand and accept that about each other. I can't change him, nor can he change me. He gets that I hate that he's leaving, but he's still got to go. I get that he needs to go, but I still hate it. With that understanding, everything is fine between us.

My final assessment of the situation is that things were mishandled at every step. My husband should have told me that he was feeling as homesick as he was before threatening to leave our marriage. I shouldn't have flown off the handle in response, but instead tried to see the situation for what it really was. He shouldn't have painted me out to be the enemy when it came time to book his flight back to Canada. And I shouldn't have pretended not to hate it for as long as I did.

With this knowledge and our understanding of one another, I don't see this situation and all its ugliness repeating itself in the future.

And here comes my little rant:

I have learned a lesson--never again will I post "be honest" at the end of a post because some take it as a free pass to be rude or display better-than-thou attitudes. It's not that it hurts my feelings to read those things--it's a waste of my time to have to search through all that for any truly helpful advice.

Well you are new to VJ,and many of the posts can be a bit rude, thats why many of don't venture outside the CDN forum,lol Glad you got your situation fixed.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Could there also be some tiny bit of resentment that you're working and unable to afford the price of the trip for yourself, but your husband isn't working and he can afford to go? I could see that being a tiny factor, even if he gave up his home and family to come to you, he shouldn't be using that as some type of leverage to make you feel bad either.

Good luck. Every couple and every situation is different so I don't think anyone here should be judging.

Well put. Yes, it sucks that he gets to go and have a good time and that all these people are vying for his attention. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here working and all my friends had weekend plans when I called them up. *grumble, grumble*

It's not really that I can't afford to fly up to Canada myself and spend time with him there. I just don't think it's a good idea for me to do so. Finance-wise, I'm trying to save money (and vacation time) so that my husband and I can take a trip up in December together and host a wedding "reception" for all his friends and family who weren't able to make it down here to our wedding last August. Personality-wise, I'm not incredibly fond of a lot of his friends, most of whom think I am the devil incarnate because I happen to be born in America.

I know, I'm being a major, inconsolable whiner right now. I just miss my husband. Even after all the times (6 years worth) we've had to say goodbye to each other, I still don't really know how to deal with it. I'm not really a very emotional or unstable person, but when you take my husband away from me, it's like taking away my anchor.

[BermyCat 1]

((((((( Captain Ruby Heart )))))))

I feel lost when Phil gets dragged away for work too. I also find myself checking the locks several times before bed.

Whine away if it helps you.

~ Catherine

[jundp 191]

I know, I'm being a major, inconsolable whiner right now. I just miss my husband. Even after all the times (6 years worth) we've had to say goodbye to each other, I still don't really know how to deal with it. I'm not really a very emotional or unstable person, but when you take my husband away from me, it's like taking away my anchor.

I think a little whining is allowed

[kcoyclay1 98]

Tomorrow morning, my husband is leaving to go back to see his family in Canada for three weeks. This will be the first time he's gone back since he first moved down here. I never really liked the idea of his going back to Canada for what I consider to be a sort of long period of time, but I've tried to just sort of deal with it. My head knows that it's the right thing for him--he misses his family a ton--but my heart doesn't agree with his decision to be there so freaking long. I would have loved to go with him, but I have work obligations that prevent me from doing so.

When he first mentioned the idea of going back up to Canada, I thought it would only be for a week, maybe two weeks. When he told me it would be three weeks, I was really surprised and told him I thought it was too long a time and reminded him that in his absence, it's now up to me to single-handedly run our household and work full time. Long story short--he refused to budge on the time period, and I ultimately just backed off (it was a losing battle).

Like I mentioned, I've tried to just sort of deal with it--and I've done a pretty good job for a while, I think--but I just lost it today. I spent most of the day bawling. My husband gets that I'm upset, but he really wants to be with his family. And I don't want to put a huge guilt cloud over his head while he's up in Canada.

Still, I can't help but feel really bitter about this. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. We're married and are supposed to be equal partners, but as his departure to Canada gets closer, the feelings of getting desparingly lonely while he's gone, not to mention, having all the household responsibility "dumped" on me while he goes off and has a grand old time for three weeks, is getting more and more tactile. I DON'T want to resent my husband, I understand that he really needs to see his family, and there's no way I'd tell him to cancel his trip or cut it short. I'm just going to have to deal with it, try to stay positive, and do my absolute best to come to terms with it so as not hold it against him when he gets back.

Sorry for the length of this post. I guess I just needed to vent. Has anyone been in my shoes? Is it normal to feel this way, or am I being a total you-know-what? You can be honest; I have a thick skin (after all, I am an editor)!

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Oh CaptainRubyHeart,

I understand that you do not want to be separated for three weeks but guess what it won't be very long before you will be the one going away on your own. There is nothing wrong with wanting him to be with you all the time but sweetie the three weeks will run off so quickly and then you will be "re-acquainting" yourselves with each other .

Now allow him to go and visit his family and let him know that you will miss him but don't hold it against him nor resent him for it. He might take it the wrong way and feel that you are trying to control his movements. Have some alone time when he is gone and do not think about the household responsibilities being "dumped" on you. Remember that even though you are his wife, he has family members that misses him as well. As long as he is not going to be hopping off every other month for a visit then allow him to enjoy your in-laws.

I have been in the position before where my SO had to be away up to six weeks at a time because he was an entertainer and had world tours to do. Sometimes I would see him for two weeks and then he is off again. Did I like it? NOPE and to make it worst at one time I was pregnant and even had our child at seven months of being pregnant. I had to just look forward to his return and anticipate all the calls I will received. Another time it was a one year separation and we were half the world away so I understand the feeling at first, It usually happens but after day three you tend to be looking forward to his return and the phone calls than at being upset and feeling "abandoned"

Don't worry, your man will be back soon. Don't hug the need for him to change his mind too tightly or you might suffocate him okay?

Edited April 27, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[tom&tata 2]

Could there also be some tiny bit of resentment that you're working and unable to afford the price of the trip for yourself, but your husband isn't working and he can afford to go? I could see that being a tiny factor, even if he gave up his home and family to come to you, he shouldn't be using that as some type of leverage to make you feel bad either.

Good luck. Every couple and every situation is different so I don't think anyone here should be judging.

Well put. Yes, it sucks that he gets to go and have a good time and that all these people are vying for his attention. Meanwhile, I'm stuck here working and all my friends had weekend plans when I called them up. *grumble, grumble*

It's not really that I can't afford to fly up to Canada myself and spend time with him there. I just don't think it's a good idea for me to do so. Finance-wise, I'm trying to save money (and vacation time) so that my husband and I can take a trip up in December together and host a wedding "reception" for all his friends and family who weren't able to make it down here to our wedding last August. Personality-wise, I'm not incredibly fond of a lot of his friends, most of whom think I am the devil incarnate because I happen to be born in America.

I know, I'm being a major, inconsolable whiner right now. I just miss my husband. Even after all the times (6 years worth) we've had to say goodbye to each other, I still don't really know how to deal with it. I'm not really a very emotional or unstable person, but when you take my husband away from me, it's like taking away my anchor.

So far I have never went back on my own. Last year we went back together (and made it our vacation too) for 2 weeks. Yes, I spent a lot of times (and I mean A LOT) with my friends but we had 4 days in Bali together. My husband (USC) kinda feel left behind initially but since it was my first time coming back, he finally understood. This year, we are coming back together again but we are going 3 weeks no. I know I will spend more time with him than our previous trip. I was feeling the first trip was for me.....now I have to be less selfish too.

I never thought that our first trip was going to be a bit hard but it was. For my husband, we was felt left behind eventhough he was there with me. My family thought I was there too short & I was actually super busy on my vacation trying to catch up with everybody.

[Mrs.J06 4]

I have never been back for more than one week at a time, but I'd love to. I wish I had had a chance to do it before I was working, now I can't do it anymore and it's always a rush, rush thing to see everybody since my family is somewhat spread out in Germany and Switzerland.

I always end up coming back feeling guilty about having had so little time to spend with my family and friends. It's great for your husband to be able to spend so much time. Let him enjoy it.

I understand it's hard for you, especially after the creepy experience you had with the intruder, but try not to spoil this trip for him. It's very important.

My husband is always incouraging when I want to go to Germany, always feels bad for me when I come back and am homesick for a little while 'till everything is back to normal, and I appreciate that so much - it makes him the great, generous person he is and I love him for that! I'm sure your husband will feel the same.

My husband travels a lot for work and adds some fun and vacation days in between and "dumps" the household, his dog and work on me too, that's part of the deal for me. Why make him feel guilty for it?

Use the time for yourself, go to the spa, get your nails done, read a good book and enjoy having the remote for yourself and watch all the girly stuff - the time will pass quickly and he will appreciate your understanding, I'm sure!

[trailmix 77]

When he first mentioned the idea of going back up to Canada, I thought it would only be for a week, maybe two weeks. When he told me it would be three weeks, I was really surprised and told him I thought it was too long a time and reminded him that in his absence, it's now up to me to single-handedly run our household and work full time. Long story short--he refused to budge on the time period, and I ultimately just backed off (it was a losing battle).

CaptainRuby,

The part that stood out for me, from your original post was the highlighted part.

He refused to budge. There was no conversation. I understand that you two have now talked it through - but I do understand your being upset about, what appears to be, him totally ignorning your view point and feelings on the matter.

[Sandrila 1]

It is to be expected that you would miss him and that there may be some resentment for him

taking too much time off of work (i.e. losing income) and you having to hold the fort down.

If it were me, I would be upset for a while but I would try to enjoy that "me" time.

I mean I would miss him but at times I miss being by myself too.

I know WE are going back to his country in a year.

I can only stay maximum 2 weeks, he plans to stay a month.

I will let you know how I feel about that when I cross that bridge later

Edited May 4, 2009 by sandrila

[broma25 2]

I think my wife likes it when I travel back home. It allows her to sleep tightly in a ball and not snore. Once I return home, it's back to the starfish position and log sawing.

She says we share the mattress 50%.....I say her half is the top half. I get the half of the mattress that's under the bed.

hilarious....this is my hubby and me too, I get the underneath bit!

[betazed 0]

CaptainRubyHeart, thanks for sharing the story of that attempted assault. It opened my eyes as to a very good reason why you're worried about him being gone. that's a traumatic experience for anyone. Prior to reading that post, all I could think of was how I would be livid if my husband had a problem with me visiting home. But the story of the assault was the balance I needed to sympathize with you. Perhaps you can talk to him still about shortening his visit? Especially since the assault happened rather recently.

[baron555 934]

This thread just points out that anyone involved with an international relatonship where one of the partners leaves their country for the other's places tremendous stress on both people of the relationship.

It should be expected and budgeted that trips back to the other country must be planned.

Added to all this is the two people are now living together for the first time and that is very stressfull fot both.

And added on top of all this is that it is usual that one of the folks will not be working or contributing as much as the other. That is more stress.

Summing it all up, it is very stressful for both parties.

What we all here are trying to do takes great courage and conviction. Most folks would not be able to do it.

And don't be swayed by the negative comments. Your posting I am sure has raised some eyebrows in some other VJers and given some advice to others who may be and may find themself in a similar situation. I thank you for that.

What also is shown is that you two are talking to each other. That is a key for any successful relationship.

He's only going to be gone for three weeks. You will live. You should be happy for him because now a part of him will be happy.

If he comes back to you, you will know where his priorities are. That will be you.

[msdelila 1]

Tomorrow morning, my husband is leaving to go back to see his family in Canada for three weeks. This will be the first time he's gone back since he first moved down here. I never really liked the idea of his going back to Canada for what I consider to be a sort of long period of time, but I've tried to just sort of deal with it. My head knows that it's the right thing for him--he misses his family a ton--but my heart doesn't agree with his decision to be there so freaking long. I would have loved to go with him, but I have work obligations that prevent me from doing so.

When he first mentioned the idea of going back up to Canada, I thought it would only be for a week, maybe two weeks. When he told me it would be three weeks, I was really surprised and told him I thought it was too long a time and reminded him that in his absence, it's now up to me to single-handedly run our household and work full time. Long story short--he refused to budge on the time period, and I ultimately just backed off (it was a losing battle).

Like I mentioned, I've tried to just sort of deal with it--and I've done a pretty good job for a while, I think--but I just lost it today. I spent most of the day bawling. My husband gets that I'm upset, but he really wants to be with his family. And I don't want to put a huge guilt cloud over his head while he's up in Canada.

Still, I can't help but feel really bitter about this. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. We're married and are supposed to be equal partners, but as his departure to Canada gets closer, the feelings of getting desparingly lonely while he's gone, not to mention, having all the household responsibility "dumped" on me while he goes off and has a grand old time for three weeks, is getting more and more tactile. I DON'T want to resent my husband, I understand that he really needs to see his family, and there's no way I'd tell him to cancel his trip or cut it short. I'm just going to have to deal with it, try to stay positive, and do my absolute best to come to terms with it so as not hold it against him when he gets back.

Sorry for the length of this post. I guess I just needed to vent. Has anyone been in my shoes? Is it normal to feel this way, or am I being a total you-know-what? You can be honest; I have a thick skin (after all, I am an editor)!

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Hi, I think you are being unreasonable, needy, insecure, etc. 3 weeks is NOT a long time, 3 months is. You didn't say how long he's been in the States without seeing his family. He is seeing family and he misses them. I believe he is entitled to see them. You should get over it. Ok, it may not be fun to be alone for 3 weeks, but you are an independent American woman, and I'm sure you can handle it. Anyways, I'm sure after 1.5 weeks your husband will start to miss you and regret that he went for 3 weeks. Just wait and see. If you don't trust him while he's out there, that's another issue. Could this be in the back of your mind, a tiny bit?

This is coming from a woman.

[trailmix 77]

Hi, I think you are being unreasonable, needy, insecure, etc. 3 weeks is NOT a long time, 3 months is. You didn't say how long he's been in the States without seeing his family. He is seeing family and he misses them. I believe he is entitled to see them. You should get over it. Ok, it may not be fun to be alone for 3 weeks, but you are an independent American woman, and I'm sure you can handle it. Anyways, I'm sure after 1.5 weeks your husband will start to miss you and regret that he went for 3 weeks. Just wait and see. If you don't trust him while he's out there, that's another issue. Could this be in the back of your mind, a tiny bit?

This is coming from a woman.

Have you ever heard the expression 'reading between the lines'?

You are way off base.