Husband's First Trip Back to Home Country Since Moving to U.S.

[Slightly Bonkers 0]

I'm curious to know why your spouse is traveling alone?

The only time I would leave my husband behind is if there were a family emergency and I had to leave on short notice and he couldn't get time off work. Otherwise we always plan trips & travel together & have been back to my home country (not Australia) together numerous times.. I wouldn't ever think of going by myself & leaving him behind - where's the fun in that!

I work full time and there isn't anyone at my workplace who could take over my work. Not to mention, I don't have $2,000+ to drop on airfare. Plus, there are bills to pay--some of which can't be paid online (e.g, water). There's no way I can abandon my house for three whole weeks.

You're very lucky not have these kinds of things to worry about.

I agree that you're lucky not to have to deal with these things. And I don't imagine there's many people with that flexibility.

My husband and I are in a good financial position but if I want to go home twice a year, if he were to come with me, it would cost us almost 3,500 a year. Not to mention time off (particularly while I was not working). Thats not even taking into consideration when we have children. He'd love to come with me but it's just not possible. We'd also prefer to save his vacation time for 'real' vacations together.

[Texanadian 10]

I think my wife likes it when I travel back home. It allows her to sleep tightly in a ball and not snore. Once I return home, it's back to the starfish position and log sawing.

She says we share the mattress 50%.....I say her half is the top half. I get the half of the mattress that's under the bed.

[wowswift 3]

I think my wife likes it when I travel back home. It allows her to sleep tightly in a ball and not snore. Once I return home, it's back to the starfish position and log sawing.

She says we share the mattress 50%.....I say her half is the top half. I get the half of the mattress that's under the bed.

lololol

[Ellie-and-David 38]

I have to say, your traumatic experience no doubt feeds in to the anxiousness you feel.

HOWEVER.

I leave england in 11 weeks to move to america with my fiance and I have to say, I would be very disappointed with him if he kicked up a fuss about me going home for 3 weeks. VERY disappointed.

After all, your husband has given up being with his family and friends to be with you. The very least you can do is give him three weeks, without guilt tripping him about how long his vacation is.

I think you need to sit back, give this some real thought and try and put yourself in his shoes. If you did do that, you would not begrudge him this time with his loved ones.

As an aside. At least whilst he is there, you will have your friends and VJ family to have a moan too.....

[Sanam143 0]

Wow, just reading this made me feel bad for your husband. (no offense intended, just personal opinion.) I think it's really unfair for your husband. You are in America and everything and everyone is around. You're husband left his entire family to be with you, and now he wants to go see his family for 3 weeks, after years, and thats a problem because? had you been in his shoes maybe you would understand. What if you had to leave everything behind specially your family and move to Canada to be w/your husband and after years you wanted to come visit your family for a few days and he had issues. I understand he is your husband and all, but you cannot put time on family. His family is the one that made him who he is today. They raised him from little to big. Not you. If I were you I would of encouraged him to stay longer. If I was your husband I would personally resent you. Three weeks is nothing. He gave up everything to be with you and now all he is asking for is to see his family, and your not supporting him? that's messed up!! I get that you're gonna miss me, but I dont get how you dont think he misses his family very much. He is a part of your family right? You cannot think of staying 3 weeks away from him, away from a member of you family. So, how then do you expect him to stay away from his family?

[JillA 2]

I think you should be a bit more understanding, just because I know how it feels. I was dying to go back to Canada and see my family again, I went for 2 weeks. I would have gone for 3, but I had things to do back here. My family is so important to me, and your husband gave up his whole life to move to America and be with you. It's important to him to be able to go home and visit with old friends and see his family, 3 weeks is good if he's not working because if he chooses to start working he won't be able to do a 3 week trip back ever again. I personally like having time alone to myself, I don't want to be with my husband 24/7 so if he goes away, I'm fine with it. It's healthy to be apart sometimes. When I went back to Canada my husband was so happy because it made me happy, I called him every day and when I was gone he did the chores and stuff, he can handle that for a few weeks.

[Flames9_RN 358]

I have been in the USA since Dec 2004 and pretty much every summer I head back to canada for a few weeks, and see nothing wrong with that. The longest time was for over 3 weeks. My wife has to work, so she has been unable to come as well. I guess we are more independent than some couples and we are used to being away from each other at certain times. But my summers off are history as school is now complete, lol

[M_n_M 1]

Distance can bring two people closer...Being away for these three weeks will give both of you a chance to miss each other... a chance to grow even closer once reunited, to reflect on how much your partner is really truly worth...however much you feel you already value your husband, this distance can add even more! Think of this time as an opportunity to do something to surprise your husband when he comes back and a chance to do something for yourself... learn a new recipe, take a yoga class, write a letter in a notebook for everyday your husband is gone, and give it to him when he comes back (don't write anything that will make him feel guilty for leaving, just let him know how much you miss him, how much you care, and what you did that day, maybe even how things are different when he's gone that you may have taken for granted when he was around). The notebook idea is one I used when me and my husband were apart from each other (now i've been visiting him for over 4 months)..but it means a lot to him now. Give it a try... stay positive, 3 weeks will be over in no time!!!

[MapleLeafBaby 1]

When I read your original post, I thought perhaps you were being over bearing and unreasonable. But after reading about your traumatic experience, it all makes sense.

I too hate to feel 'alone' at home, I like having people around and feeling protected.

Every relationship needs space...it makes you appreciate your partner more. In the larger picture, you have him the majority of the time, and 3 weeks is not all that bad. You mentioned you possibly resenting him, but how about him end up resenting you? Sometimes when we give a little freedom, we gain more loyalty. He will love that you are supporting him in this.

And you are right, think how hard it was when the opposite was your situation and you had him only 10% of the time. Now you have each other 90% of the time.

Keep in mind, we as the beneficiaries are giving up life as we know it...our old stomping grounds, where we grew up...just being back home and seeing all the old stuff and family is a bit nostalgic and warming. We make the sacrifice for love, but it does not mean that it is easy to walk away from what we called home.

I hope you find the strength, maybe friends and family can stay over a night or two?

I hope you find it in you to support him, and make it through this...I think he will have a greater fondness for you.

Good luck girl...and if anything, you can write us every night LOL!

As for the fear of your traumatic situation, you are a strong woman to have overcome it. Don't let the fear consume you, cause then they would have succeeded....

Best of luck

Ps, sorry for typos, I'm on my iPhone LOL!

[Cdnwmn 0]

Here's my story:

I married my husband in the summer of 2002. The first trip I made back to Canada was in the summer of 2004 for my sister's 40th birthday. She lives up in Vancouver; we are in Idaho. My son and I were gone for a week (drove up). My husband didn't want to go.

Second trip back was in the summer of 2005. My son and I drove from the west of the U.S. to the east side of Canada (Ontario) and we were gone for a month. Husband couldn't get that amount of time off to go.

Third trip back was in the fall of 2007 when my first grandchild was born. I went myself, flew and was gone three weeks.

Fourth trip back was this past Christmas - my son and I flew and were gone for two weeks.

When we'll be back again, I have no idea.

While my husband was not exactly thrilled about the "month" long trip in the summer of 2005 saying he'd really miss us, he on the other hand didn't beg us to stay home and did understand the need for us to go back and see family and friends.

Send your husband off to Canada with a smile on your face and tell him to have a good time while he's gone.

[braveheart1 0]

I understand you will miss your husband but try to understand that he needs to go 'home'. I can relate. It doesn't mean he loves you less; he just needs to reconnect with people he left behind. And I think 3 weeks is necessary for him to do this - one or two weeks just fly by...Try to understand his point of view. Remember he left Canada and everything and one he's ever known to be with you. Can't you just allow him this time? Or are you afraid he won't return?

God bless.

[BermyCat 1]

First, CaptainRubyHeart, I have to say kudos to you! You're having a hard time right now but you are seeking other people's opinions and advice and trying to gain a balanced perspective.

You feel the way you feel and that's ok. Feelings don't have to be rational. Accepting them and talking about them is a good thing. It helps you to calm down enough to make the right choice about what to do about them.

He'll go home for a few weeks. He'll reconnect with his family and friends. He'll say things that start with "Back home..." and be talking about your home together. He'll find himself talking about all the positive things in your life. Those things can be hard to remember while he's missing his family.

So tell him you're having a hard time with him going. But also tell him that you love him enough to let him go anyway. You've gotten some great advice on what to do with your alone time.

The best part is that three weeks apart will probably bring you two closer together.

~ Catherine

Edited April 26, 2009 by BermyCat

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Is there a chance of you perhaps joining him for the last week of his holiday back in Canada? You said you couldn't get 3 weeks off of work, but how about a shorter time - finish his vacation with him and come back home together?

I hear what you are saying about being 'alone' for the first time. I lived all of my life until I was married on my own and had no problems with it, but after being married and spending all of the time with my husband, I was nervous the first time he had to be away overnight for business. The first time is the problem - once you get that behind you it gets a lot easier.

Three weeks may seem like a long time but he is trying to catch up on a whole life that he left behind - it isn't that he doesn't want to be with you, because he does - he gave up that life for you - but there are different types of homesickness and one of them is for what you have 'lost' even though what you have gained is of great value. It is important to be able to go back and deal with it. He will find that now he will see his old life through new eyes - he will feel more like a visitor than the one living that life and that is natural as well. It is all part of the process of coming to terms with change.

You are having to deal with your own type of change through this visit as well. You are aware of what you are missing - the same place he is at when he is living here in the States - he is aware of what he is missing from back home and his previous life. You have 3 weeks of dealing with it - he will have years of dealing with it. It is a good opportunity for you to gain a little understanding of what it feels like to him to have left behind his old familiar world with its comfort and support of friends and family for a whole new world with you. This is a little taste of what it is like walking in his shoes and perhaps it will help bring you closer together in the long run.

Good luck to the two of you - I am sure everything will go well. A few years from now you may even find some irony in this as it may happen that when he is away from home you find you relish having the house all to yourself for a change. I am finding that now for me. Sometimes it is nice to be on your own for a short time as well.

Very nice response. I agree--this first time is the big hurdle. I've been trying to keep busy (hence, my catching up on responses a little later than I'd have liked to!) Thanks.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

You feel the way you feel and that's ok. Feelings don't have to be rational. Accepting them and talking about them is a good thing. It helps you to calm down enough to make the right choice about what to do about them.

He'll go home for a few weeks. He'll reconnect with his family and friends. He'll say things that start with "Back home..." and be talking about your home together. He'll find himself talking about all the positive things in your life. Those things can be hard to remember while he's missing his family.

So tell him you're having a hard time with him going. But also tell him that you love him enough to let him go anyway. You've gotten some great advice on what to do with your alone time.

I really like that. One great thing about our relationship is that my husband and I can talk to each other about these sorts of things--you know, me about hating his leaving, and him about being unhappy and missing his family. We know how we feel, and neither of us are trying to change that.

Some of the people who responded had said that I was "guilt-tripping" my husband about going, or being selfish, etc. That's actually true of part of the situation--this thread is sort of part 2 of my story here. I think the "guilt-tripping" occurred in part 1. I guess you really need to hear the full story to understand the situation and what is ultimately my assessment of it.

To recap very shortly, part 1 is this:

My then-fiance moved down here, we got married and everything was fine. Six months later and completely out of the blue, my husband (very mild-mannered, normally) exclaims that he's very homesick and is thinking about moving back to Canada permanently and ending our marriage because he misses home too much. Rather than sit down with him and try to understand what's really going on, I went into full-throttle b!tch mode. Hence, the guilt-tripping. But after a lot of very helpful advice from my VJ buddies, I sort of realized that I should take a new approach to the situation and get rid of my old, angry attitude and try to see exactly what it is that my husband needs. We talked, and what we agreed on is that he would take a trip back to Canada once he got his green card (which happened a few days after our argument).

When that happened, my husband announced, "I'm going back to Canada for three weeks. I looked at fares and want to book." I told him, shouldn't he have talked to me first before making this unilateral decision about something that affect us both? He didn't want to listen and just ended up being really mean. I tried explaining that there's a difference between asserting your independence and being a complete jerk to the people who love you, but he didn't want to listen. It was an argument that was going nowhere, so I just kind of gave up and said, "OK, fine, let's do this." The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been so upset if he had just approached me differently and taken my feelings into consideration: "I would like to take my visit back to Canada for three weeks. Will you be OK here by yourself?" I would have said, "Yes, that's fine."

After all that nastiness, I tried to keep my complete and utter contempt of his trip back to Canada to myself because I wanted to show him that I could be understanding of his homesickness and wanting to go back. But then a few days ago, I just lost it and broke down and told him everything. How much I hated his leaving, how I'd tried not to tell him for so long, and how I didn't want him to feel terrible while he was up visiting family. He told me that he completely understood where I was coming from and was actually really appreciative that I was trying so hard to be supportive. We had a really long talk, and although nothing that was said changes the fact that he misses his family, and nothing changes the fact that I hate his leaving, we understand and accept that about each other. I can't change him, nor can he change me. He gets that I hate that he's leaving, but he's still got to go. I get that he needs to go, but I still hate it. With that understanding, everything is fine between us.

My final assessment of the situation is that things were mishandled at every step. My husband should have told me that he was feeling as homesick as he was before threatening to leave our marriage. I shouldn't have flown off the handle in response, but instead tried to see the situation for what it really was. He shouldn't have painted me out to be the enemy when it came time to book his flight back to Canada. And I shouldn't have pretended not to hate it for as long as I did.

With this knowledge and our understanding of one another, I don't see this situation and all its ugliness repeating itself in the future.

And here comes my little rant:

I have learned a lesson--never again will I post "be honest" at the end of a post because some take it as a free pass to be rude or display better-than-thou attitudes. It's not that it hurts my feelings to read those things--it's a waste of my time to have to search through all that for any truly helpful advice.

[jundp 191]

Regardless of the situations that led to your husband making the decision to leave (which make much more sense to me now as to why you're feeling the way you do) it is totally understandable for you to be anxious about this.

Our situation was actually reversed. My husband moved here in July 2008 and this past month I had a chance to go to Germany for work for a week. He was totally supportive but still upset that I was leaving for a week (and to HIS country no less ). What happened is that after about 3 days I was utterly homesick, and I've traveled quite a bit before and never once been homesick, and knew I was ready to be home. I enjoyed my trip, but we made the decision to return to Germany as a family this summer.

Could there also be some tiny bit of resentment that you're working and unable to afford the price of the trip for yourself, but your husband isn't working and he can afford to go? I could see that being a tiny factor, even if he gave up his home and family to come to you, he shouldn't be using that as some type of leverage to make you feel bad either.

Good luck. Every couple and every situation is different so I don't think anyone here should be judging.