Husband's First Trip Back to Home Country Since Moving to U.S.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Tomorrow morning, my husband is leaving to go back to see his family in Canada for three weeks. This will be the first time he's gone back since he first moved down here. I never really liked the idea of his going back to Canada for what I consider to be a sort of long period of time, but I've tried to just sort of deal with it. My head knows that it's the right thing for him--he misses his family a ton--but my heart doesn't agree with his decision to be there so freaking long. I would have loved to go with him, but I have work obligations that prevent me from doing so.

When he first mentioned the idea of going back up to Canada, I thought it would only be for a week, maybe two weeks. When he told me it would be three weeks, I was really surprised and told him I thought it was too long a time and reminded him that in his absence, it's now up to me to single-handedly run our household and work full time. Long story short--he refused to budge on the time period, and I ultimately just backed off (it was a losing battle).

Like I mentioned, I've tried to just sort of deal with it--and I've done a pretty good job for a while, I think--but I just lost it today. I spent most of the day bawling. My husband gets that I'm upset, but he really wants to be with his family. And I don't want to put a huge guilt cloud over his head while he's up in Canada.

Still, I can't help but feel really bitter about this. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. We're married and are supposed to be equal partners, but as his departure to Canada gets closer, the feelings of getting desparingly lonely while he's gone, not to mention, having all the household responsibility "dumped" on me while he goes off and has a grand old time for three weeks, is getting more and more tactile. I DON'T want to resent my husband, I understand that he really needs to see his family, and there's no way I'd tell him to cancel his trip or cut it short. I'm just going to have to deal with it, try to stay positive, and do my absolute best to come to terms with it so as not hold it against him when he gets back.

Sorry for the length of this post. I guess I just needed to vent. Has anyone been in my shoes? Is it normal to feel this way, or am I being a total you-know-what? You can be honest; I have a thick skin (after all, I am an editor)!

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Edited April 25, 2009 by CaptainRubyHeart

[TiffandDai 0]

I understand how you feel to an extent. My husband is leaving is going to visit his family for about a week and a half in a couple months. I know he is going to 'live it up' while he is gone. I am just afriad of being lonely mostly. We haven't spent more than 24 hours apart since we got married in 2004. We have gone to visit his family in the UK a couple times together since we have been married but this time he is going alone.

You are not alone!

[HappyNathy 0]

I hope you can work through it.

I would be very upset & resentful towards my DH if after 2 years here, he told me how long I could see my friends and family for.

Try to be more understanding and have some compassion for the homesickness he may be experiencing. 3 weeks is really not that long.

[mahboula 11]

I haven't been in your shoes yet, but my husband talks about going back to Algeria next year for a month. He wants us all to go, but I know I won't be able to leave for that long. It's ok by me if he goes alone. I want him to see his family. I also feel like the time apart will be good for us because we'll get to miss each other. Don't all couples need a break once in a while? I will have a problem though, if I decide to take a trip with the girls some day, without him, and he doesn't see things the same way. Like you said, equals, right?

[yogib37 3]

Just let him go.. he waited a long time. My wife is planing on going back to her country and will be there maybe 6 weeks. I dont like it but I travel a lot for my job so it will be ok, time will go by fast.

My ex wife went back to her country all the time, she stay 3 or 4 months at a time come back here then a month or two go back to her country.. too much

then when we divorced she went back and has not been back since and she regreats it now.

just keep your mind busy on things and time will fly by

next thing you know he will be on the return plane and back in your arms

Relax

Let him be happy

Yogi

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

I have to travel a lot for work, and this often involves trips of 2 weeks or more. I'm not always working on these trips -- I often tack on some holiday, or if the business is near my hometown, I'll visit with my parents for a week or so. My husband and I miss each other very much during these absences, but we also enjoy having some alone time. Right before we left the UK to come to the States, he went back to his parents' house for 2 weeks to say his good-byes. I had a LOT of stuff to organise while he was away, but I realised it was much more important for him to have time with them than to help clean the bathroom and stroke my ego. He is away 2 or 3 nights every week right now, gigging 75 miles away, but we just get on with it and enjoy the time when we're together.

Being able to allow your spouse some space is part of fostering your marriage. No one likes to be smothered and made to feel guilty about what are not outrageous requests.

[Brit Abroad 166]

CRH, what about building a plan of action for your time while he's gone?

Arrange to do something special with family and friends. Try and visit somewhere new that you can talk to hubby about (and possibly visit together on his return), buy a phone card and call him and talk about new experiences to stop you saying "I'm unhappy and lonely" to him while he's home.

Take an objective look at his hobbies and see if you can find out more about them (if you don't share them already) while he's gone, or spend the time organising something special to welcome home when he gets back.

I know how you feel, because I'm about to head home for 7 weeks while hubby is away with work. It's going to be awfully lonely, but that time CAN be filled with other pleasurable things, too.

Keep yer chin up, girl.

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

Thanks for your replies and your honesty, guys. The reason I come to you to ask tough questions is because I'm looking for that new perspective you provide when you don't necessarily agree with my outlook.

If I wanted a bunch of "yes-man" responses, all I'd have had to do is call up any one of my local girlfriends and say, "OMG SEAN IS LEAVING ON VACATION FOR THREE WEEKS WITHOUT ME AND I'M STUCK WITH AAAALLLLL THIS WORK!!!" Have you any idea what a you-know-what they'd think my husband is if I said that?

But that's not going to make anything better (plus, it's really childish). What I need is a new perspective to help me figure things out. So I really, really do appreciate the candor you've shown here!!!

Anyway, so I started thinking, "You know, these people are right. Three weeks isn't really a huge amount of time. Sean and I used to spend months apart and I wouldn't fall apart at the seams. I'd be upset for a day or two, but that's it. Also, I lived in this house all by myself for almost a year before he moved down here and did just fine. What is REALLY my problem?"

I think I sort of get what it is--and it kind of sucks. I've written about this a few times, but back in February, this creep broke into our house and tried to sexually assault me while I was asleep alone in my bedroom (my husband fell asleep watching TV on the couch). The creep didn't succeed (I fought back and scared him really badly), and as he was trying to run away from me, my husband (who is quite muscular) threw him into a wall. Long story short, the police arrested the creep and he's now in jail.

I'm fine (nothing actually happened to me) and have pretty much put the whole thing behind me. However, tomorrow will be the first time that I'll be alone in the house since that happened, and I guess I'm a little freaked out.

I hardly ever travel for work (twice a year) and have gotten used to my husband being here all the time, so I know I'm going to feel his absence anyway.

I think my husband and I will be fine. We talk a lot and try to be very upfront about things (in fact, I shared my original post and all the replies with him). He knows how I feel about things and also knows that I would never ask him to cancel or shorten his trip.

Thanks for your support.

Edited April 25, 2009 by CaptainRubyHeart

[Texanadian 10]

You've got it easy! You get to stay at home.

Here is how my first (and so far only trip back home went). I used my free airline miles to book a trip home. Since I booked it within 3 weeks of leaving, I still had to pay $75 plus the taxes. My plan was golden. Houston at 6AM to Salt Lake City at 10AM. At 10:10AM I'd leave for Vancouver. Arrive there around lunch time. Grab a bite to eat and then take the seaplane to Vancouver Island. Arriving around 3PM. The seaplane is great. Nice and scenic. Very friendly. And no BS with having to deal with security.

I factor the price of a cab to the airport vs parking there for 2 weeks. It's cheaper to park. So I reserve a covered parking spot. Drive to the parking zone. The guy at the front wicket gives me a ticket for Row 17, spot 12 or something like that. I go and park there. It's uncovered. So I tell the person on the shuttle bus that I paid for covered but am parked in non covered. She says oh you'll get charged twice for that when you come back for your car. I can take you back and we'll sort it out so you're parked in covered and only pay once. I look at the clock in the shuttle bus. I've got an hour and a half before I leave. No problem. (I don't use a watch and the clock in my car is busted).

Turn around and head back to the parking lot. Back to my car I go. I go park in the covered zone. Get back in the shuttle bus and start heading towards the airport. What one are you going to? (Houston has terminal A, B, C, D depending on who you're flying with). C I say as I'm using my Continental miles free flight. I go stand in line at C. Big line. I get to the ticket agent. Hmmm, you're flying with Delta today, they're in A. And you have 20 minutes before your flight leaves.

20 minutes? I had an hour and a half when I was in the shuttle. OH SHOOT. The clocks went ahead that weekend. The shuttle bus was still on the old time. All my farting around going back and forth with my parking situation resulted in me being late.

So I RUN!!! across the terminal. Take the underground trolley to "A" Go stand in line at Delta. Can't check your bags since you're pushing it for time. Of course now I have to go through security who questions me about the bottle of moisturizer I have in my large bag (that was to be checked but wasn't). I get through and sprint to my gate. My gate of course is the farthest gate right at the very end. I get there. Ticket agent is gone. Passengers are gone. The plane is RIGHT THERE out the window. Still attached to the chute behind the door. But the door is locked.

I'm screwed......

Back to Delta. What are my options. (Keep in mind it's 6:01AM). Well we can get you on a 2PM flight to Salt Lake and then get you on the flight to Vancouver at 7PM. You'd arrive in Vancouver around 9:30PM. No good as by the time I deal with customs and then grab a taxi to the ferry (no seaplanes run that late), I'd risk not making the last ferry. So I'd end up sleeping in Vancouver airport overnight (ultra boring)

I tell Delta I'll think about it. So off to Continental I went. It was at this point I realized I'd have to eat the cost of the seaplane since they require 24 hours cancellation and my flight with them is supposed to happen in 10 hours. I ask Continental what my choices are. Hmmmm we can get you on a standby flight to Seattle at noon. Then get you on an Alaskan airlines flight from Seattle to Vancouver. The Alaskan is good but you'll have to risk getting a flight on standby to Seattle. I say let's go for it.

So I spent 6 boring hours at Houston airport waiting to leave. Noon comes and I make the standby flight to Seattle. Good news....not so fast......

After getting to Seattle, I go to Alaskan to get my boarding pass. Of course they have no record of me. Back to Continental. They print off some paperwork to give to Alaskan. Back to Alaskan. I hand them the paperwork.....At this point they ask me "how did you get here?"

I used my free miles with Continental from Houston to Vancouver. Missed the flight and caught a standby to Seattle.

Well here's the thing. Since you used a free flight. We can't book you to Vancouver. If you were re-routed using a regular ticket, we could input you into the system. But as such, with the free ticket if we put you on our flight we would be doing it for free since we can't bill Continental for your ticket.

It's 4PM. The flight leaves at 5PM. Dreaded thoughts are running through my head. I'm thinking I'll either

a.) Have to pay "on the spot" rates for a Seattle-Vancouver flight. $1500?

or

b.) Simply fly back to Houston due to the enormous cost of a potential Seattle-Vancouver ticket cost.

I gotta give it to the lady at Alaska. She phoned up her boss, then corporate, and spent 1 hour talking on the phone trying to work out something for me. At 5PM she got me the free flight. But I'd missed the 5PM flight. Next one was at 7PM.

After I got a ticket for 7PM Seattle to Vancouver, I noticed they had a 7:30PM to Victoria. That would have made things much easier for me. But I didn't want to push it. I decided to go pay for a massage at the airport. My neck and shoulders were tense by now. Flying by itself is uncomfortable never mind sitting in the airport for 6 hours and standing in 1 spot stressed out at the ticket booth.

Fly to Vancouver. Go through customs. Go outside. Seaplanes don't fly at this time of night. I see the bus driver that's going to the ferry. How much for a ticket to the ferry? $15 and it includes your ferry ticket. Perfect. When does the bus leave? In about 20 minutes. But you probably won't make the 9PM boat. You'd just miss it. Next boat is at 11PM. (and it's a 2 hour ferry ride on top of that. I've been up since 5AM Houston time 3AM Vancouver time. A rotten day)

So I paid the $60 for a taxi ride (really $120 when you figure I paid $60 for the seaplane that I never used) and went to the ferry. As luck would have it (heh) I got out of the taxi, walked on to the boat and it promptly left afterwords. Pulled into Vancouver Island at 11PM. I was supposed to be at my parent's house by 3PM. Only 8 hours late.

You know what else ran through my mind during those hours of delays and doubt? The fact that if I'd simply left my car parked in the uncovered parking spot and paid twice for parking (another $60), I not only would have made all my flights on time. But it would have been cheaper than paying for the taxi ride, the ferry ride, and the non used seaplane ticket.

3 week vacation you say? I say good. Because once he's working, good luck getting any vacation time that has any real length to it. Probably only get 2 weeks after working for a year. And those 2 weeks probably won't be together. 2 weeks a year to see your family including traveling just isn't enough. It's not just family you want to visit. It's all your old friends. And he'll find that there will be TONS of people who want him to visit. Old co-worker friends. High school friends. Neighbours. Parents. Aunts and Uncles. It will be a non-stop itinerary when he gets there.

[Texanadian 10]

Traveling back to Canada is a lot different from traveling to Texas. When I'd fly to Texas, the itinerary was "nothing." Simply visiting my spouse was the only goal. When you travel back to Canada, everybody wants to know everything about how life is. How the wedding was. How do you like things? You tell the same story over and over.

3 weeks is good. I stayed for about 2 weeks and it was just barely enough time. My parents each live in different areas so I only get so much time with each of them. Looking back, I wish I'd gone for 3 weeks. 1 week would have been woefully short.

Oh yeah, I think I paid $50 to change my flight at the Alaskan booth. One more fee. Granted, I was glad to pay it since it meant getting home. But I nickel and dimed myself stupid that day.

[Gemmie 142]

My fiance has said that he'll support my going back to England for as long as I need (within reasonable times of course). I'm moving to the U.S in about 7 weeks and I'm terrified at leaving my family and friends. I feel guilty at times for leaving, other times I feel that I'll miss them too miss. The thought of being able to visit when I get the greencard/AP makes it better. Not to harp on the "I gave them up for you" wagon, but he realises what I've done for him, and that I'll be waiting a long time away from them. That's enough to make the balance.

3 weeks isn't a long time to fit in everyone in your old life. I know that I want to spend time with all of my family and friends when I go back, and a week just isn't enough.

You sound like you've put things into perspective now, but fill your time, think positive and you'll do fine.

[kaffy 2]

I'm curious to know why your spouse is traveling alone?

The only time I would leave my husband behind is if there were a family emergency and I had to leave on short notice and he couldn't get time off work. Otherwise we always plan trips & travel together & have been back to my home country (not Australia) together numerous times.. I wouldn't ever think of going by myself & leaving him behind - where's the fun in that!

Edited April 25, 2009 by kaffy

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Is there a chance of you perhaps joining him for the last week of his holiday back in Canada? You said you couldn't get 3 weeks off of work, but how about a shorter time - finish his vacation with him and come back home together?

I hear what you are saying about being 'alone' for the first time. I lived all of my life until I was married on my own and had no problems with it, but after being married and spending all of the time with my husband, I was nervous the first time he had to be away overnight for business. The first time is the problem - once you get that behind you it gets a lot easier.

Three weeks may seem like a long time but he is trying to catch up on a whole life that he left behind - it isn't that he doesn't want to be with you, because he does - he gave up that life for you - but there are different types of homesickness and one of them is for what you have 'lost' even though what you have gained is of great value. It is important to be able to go back and deal with it. He will find that now he will see his old life through new eyes - he will feel more like a visitor than the one living that life and that is natural as well. It is all part of the process of coming to terms with change.

You are having to deal with your own type of change through this visit as well. You are aware of what you are missing - the same place he is at when he is living here in the States - he is aware of what he is missing from back home and his previous life. You have 3 weeks of dealing with it - he will have years of dealing with it. It is a good opportunity for you to gain a little understanding of what it feels like to him to have left behind his old familiar world with its comfort and support of friends and family for a whole new world with you. This is a little taste of what it is like walking in his shoes and perhaps it will help bring you closer together in the long run.

Good luck to the two of you - I am sure everything will go well. A few years from now you may even find some irony in this as it may happen that when he is away from home you find you relish having the house all to yourself for a change. I am finding that now for me. Sometimes it is nice to be on your own for a short time as well.

Edited April 25, 2009 by Kathryn41

[taurean 0]

I might be the odd egg here, but I'll throw out our situation. My husband travelled back home for the first time by himself for three weeks. To be honest, I didn't have much of an issue with it, and in fact was kind of *happy* about him having the chance to hang out with his family and friends my himself. Yes, I missed him, but I was more happy that he was happy. Being so far away from your family/friends when you are used to seeing familiar faces every day is very tough. So I knew he would be happy to have a long period of time to kind of go back to the lifestyle he was used to. And I feel he needed time to enjoy all that without having to cater to my needs. During the time apart, I really took time to get my perspective back after devoting so much time to helping him to adjust here. And Ii had to have some "me" time. When he returned we had a new spark in our relationship because we missed each other.

I do understand your view, but sometimes you need a chance to have some time with yourself. And vice versa for your husband. I totally agree with the poster that suggested making plans for yourself during the separation. It will make the time pass faster!

[CaptainRubyHeart 1]

I'm curious to know why your spouse is traveling alone?

The only time I would leave my husband behind is if there were a family emergency and I had to leave on short notice and he couldn't get time off work. Otherwise we always plan trips & travel together & have been back to my home country (not Australia) together numerous times.. I wouldn't ever think of going by myself & leaving him behind - where's the fun in that!

I work full time and there isn't anyone at my workplace who could take over my work. Not to mention, I don't have $2,000+ to drop on airfare. Plus, there are bills to pay--some of which can't be paid online (e.g, water). There's no way I can abandon my house for three whole weeks.

You're very lucky not have these kinds of things to worry about.