My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[TBoneTX 43,422]

It's great that your wife found a good guy like you

Thank you.

...but had she looked further, she would have found a good guy in her native land.

You're more than welcome to discuss directly with her what path her life would have taken!

[Cham 3]

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

[TBoneTX 43,422]

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

This is certainly a reasonable course for the OP to consider.

[Ling Ling 22]

It's great that your wife found a good guy like you

Thank you.

...but had she looked further, she would have found a good guy in her native land.

You're more than welcome to discuss directly with her what path her life would have taken!

Not my place to discuss anything directly with your wife. Just commenting that while both of us are good Americans who love our foreign wives,

there are good guys all over the world.

Happy New Year

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Surely these are issues that are to be addressed early on in the relationship and surely the OP's husband should have known that he was not marrying a woman from his own culture, but one from the USA. That, in and of itself, should have given him reason to believe that what's "normal" for him, might not be "normal" for her. Why is he still clueless to that?

...IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's Peruvian or American.

The behavior is not acceptable if you're an American. The behavior is very common, even pervasive, in Peru and many other South & Central American countries. The women there don't like it either, understandably, but most will put up with it, for numerous reasons. As stated, the guy needs to be socked between the eyes with this stark cultural difference and with the crucial need to adhere strictly to the American way of behavior if he wishes to be and remain married to a Norteamericana.

We can be as vehement about our own culturally framed opinions of (un)acceptable behavior as we want; however, it is unfair to blame him for how he was raised or where he grew up. Re-read what the original poster said about his earlier life and what a Latina said about such behavior. If we went to most of Latin America and started stating that such behavior IS NOT ACCEPTABLE no matter if he's [Latino] or American, we would likely be met with blank stares, shrugs, or quizzical looks from both men and women. That's simply the way that society remains in many places down there.

[mnieto 2]

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

This is certainly a reasonable course for the OP to consider.

I think that would be little bit too silly. He's not a naughty kid that needs to be punished by shutting off the net. He, as an adult, has to stop his online activities voluntarily and not because she forces him to. Forcing him to stop it is the wrong way to go and sends him the wrong message, and I don't think that it would be satisfying for her, either.

[Ling Ling 22]

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

This is certainly a reasonable course for the OP to consider.

I think that would be little bit too silly. He's not a naughty kid that needs to be punished by shutting off the net. He, as an adult, has to stop his online activities voluntarily and not because she forces him to. Forcing him to stop it is the wrong way to go and sends him the wrong message, and I don't think that it would be satisfying for her, either.

Agreed...a child needs to be monitored, not a spouse. If you have to punish and monitor a spouse, the marriage is over.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

This is certainly a reasonable course for the OP to consider.

I think that would be little bit too silly. He's not a naughty kid that needs to be punished by shutting off the net. He, as an adult, has to stop his online activities voluntarily and not because she forces him to. Forcing him to stop it is the wrong way to go and sends him the wrong message, and I don't think that it would be satisfying for her, either.

Agreed...a child needs to be monitored, not a spouse. If you have to punish and monitor a spouse, the marriage is over.

Does this mean that chaining Bren to the bed when I am not around is not cool????? :unsure:

[TBoneTX 43,422]

Surely these are issues that are to be addressed early on in the relationship and surely the OP's husband should have known that he was not marrying a woman from his own culture, but one from the USA. That, in and of itself, should have given him reason to believe that what's "normal" for him, might not be "normal" for her. Why is he still clueless to that?

Very good point. Maybe it's the difference between being "told" that the stove is hot versus actually touching it.

[Ling Ling 22]

Surely these are issues that are to be addressed early on in the relationship and surely the OP's husband should have known that he was not marrying a woman from his own culture, but one from the USA. That, in and of itself, should have given him reason to believe that what's "normal" for him, might not be "normal" for her. Why is he still clueless to that?

Very good point. Maybe it's the difference between being "told" that the stove is hot versus actually touching it.

If it's a top of the line Electrolux range or a clay oven, adults don't have to be told it's hot.

Culture rarely defines the difference between right and wrong.

The world over, it's known that killing is wrong, stealing is wrong, and if you touch a hot oven you will be burned.

The world over, it's known that (outside certain religions) monogamy is expected, and flirting with and kissing those other than your spouse will not be accepted if found out.

If he thought what he was doing was OK, he wouldn't have done it under the cover of secrecy.

Now that he is home...let him know how you feel and if you see him doing it again.l.it is OVER. I would also be shutting the net off for a few months until he gets the clue

This is certainly a reasonable course for the OP to consider.

I think that would be little bit too silly. He's not a naughty kid that needs to be punished by shutting off the net. He, as an adult, has to stop his online activities voluntarily and not because she forces him to. Forcing him to stop it is the wrong way to go and sends him the wrong message, and I don't think that it would be satisfying for her, either.

Agreed...a child needs to be monitored, not a spouse. If you have to punish and monitor a spouse, the marriage is over.

Does this mean that chaining Bren to the bed when I am not around is not cool????? :unsure:

no....no....no....

Requested punishment and monitoring in a marriage is perfectly acceptable

[diadromous mermaid 36]

If he thought what he was doing was OK, he wouldn't have done it under the cover of secrecy.

My point exactly. The fact that these were clandestine encounters indicates to me, culture or otherwise, that he knew his behaviour was violating their marital agreement. Otherwise, he would have openly cavorted without a mind to his wife's feelings.

The culture argument simply isn't cutting it for me. No offense to the OP, but I sense that he knew he was treading on thin ice, but also had reason to believe that your commitment to the marriage would mean that if found out, you would likely forgive him. There's nothing inherently wrong with offering forgiveness to someone that has commited transgressions, as long as that person is remorseful for his actions and takes the necessary steps to win your trust.

Edited January 2, 2009 by diadromous mermaid

[betrayed 0]

Hi all,

Wow... there's a ton of responses here. I don't even know where to start. I'd just like to start off by saying thank you to everyone who took the time to respond here... I really appreciate all the thoughts.

To those of you who tell me to divorce him, that he's a dog, etc... I'm not quite ready to do this yet. He may be a dog in this instance, but for those of you non-sinners, please feel free to cast the first stone. Not many of us can say that we've never done anything wrong on behalf of our loved ones. When I was younger, I cheated on boyfriends. I've flirted, etc. Admittedly, it was not on my husband, but we've all had our stupid times. I'm not saying that this is just a stupid time, it's bigger than that, but on a first transgression, I can't just throw all of this away right now.

To those of you who've told me to go to counseling with him in a religious setting; don't think that that would work as we're not practicing anything right now. In a non-religious setting, maybe. We'd need a bilingual counselor. Or one that speaks Spanish. I don't think that he's ready to have these conversation in English yet. I'm still considering this idea. Haven't come to any conclusions yet about the counseling thing.

I do want this to work, and as non-religious as I am (I am a deist; I believe in a god, just don't know the hows and the whys), I still want to make this work if we can. He tells me that he does too. He has treated me better than any other bf that I've had in life except for this instance. We'll see if he can do what he says. He's cut off all ties to them.

I know that this is going to be hard. He's telling me that he's going to work hard on rebuilding the trust that has been lost. I'm still messed up and tired of discussing it with him; we talked about it again today. It just came up, but not on my end. He worries that I'll never be able to get past it. I said, "Do you really think that I'd be able to get past this in two weeks?" He said, "No, but I worry that it'll be a long time. How long do I have to feel bad?" I just told him that he's got to give me time. We shall see. I would imagine that we're going to argue here and there for a little while. I just wish that things were a little more stable, that's all. I think that we both feel unstable right now.

Please don't let this become a discussion on stereotypes of men... I really wouldn't want that.

Again, everyone thank you. When I have more time, I'll respond individually to some of the posts. Thanks again.

[betrayed 0]

Its really hard to have to come to the realization that the person you love most in the world is being less than honest with you.Long distance is tough and it requireds alot of trust and dedication.A few years ago i found an email to my boyfriend(now husband) from some supposed friend.Its wasnt too racy but it was too friendly for my comfort.It stated how she missed him and it was cold and rainy and she wishes he was there.Seeing that email broke my heart,and nearly ruined our relationship.He denied that anything was going on,and I never had evidnece,but after several days,weeks of talking about it I realized that i was able to forgive him,becasue I love him and realized I had to give him the benefit of the doubt especially since we had been together for 4 years at the time.

So my advice is listen to your heart,and figure out how well you know and trust him,and how much you want the realtionship to work.If you feel you need hard facts to be able to trust him and forgive him,well install a key stroke logger ,for your peacce of mind,it may also give you a better insight into the kind of person he is if you believe he may have scammed you.

Hi,

Yep, it's been pretty crazy. I know how you feel about the email. It was hard to find out these things...

I've definitely had a few days since where I felt like I was scammed and that was it. But I know that his brothers will kick his ### if he has. So that makes me feel a little better.

Ok, I expected MUCH harsher responses on this sight than what I'm seeing..... I'm sorry, but as most of us here spend massive amounts of time apart from our fiances/spouses, I'd say that the MAIN thing that makes these relationships work is TRUST! There is never a guarantee that you're not gonna get hurt in any kind of relationship (my old fiance from a year and a half ago ended up being married the whole time he was seeing me) ...that trust is never gonna come back for him, and for a long time I wasn't able to trust ANY guys!

Rant aside, I know you still love this man.. I mean, you would be heartless if you could just stop loving someone all of a sudden. But at the same time, I don't know how you can EVER look him in the face again with anything but distrust... and like you said you feel like such a fool... I know how you are feeling, and it (He) is not worth it.

This might seem harsh, and I definitely realize the sanctity of marriage, and as a Christian, I believe that divorce is a sad and last option... but I know.. if it was me, and my fiance (soon-to-be husband) ever told another woman that he loved her ... I don't care if it was "in real life" or not... it is not acceptable and it has nothing to do with "forgiveness".. we are women.. we have compassion and care beyond reason.. eventually you will forgive him and see him for what he is.. just a pathetic man who was only interested in making himself happy.. and as sad as that is for him, it has nothing to do with you. I know that you feel like you lived and breathed and died for this man over the past 2 years, and you are all the better for it. Don't feel bad about yourself or feel like a fool (I know it's hard right now), but you are a beautiful person and God has someone for you. I know that's been said over and over again... but I really believe that we as women should never "settle" for someone who makes us feel less than wonderful and complete.. I personally would rather be alone than feel like that.

I wish you all the best and all the wisdom in this situation. Everyone is right to say that ONLY you know how to proceed from here... but like I said, that love doesn't just stop immediately..... first thing is not to act like nothing happened, and the second is to ALways show your husband that you are reasonable and DO have compassion and are not threatening him with the Green Card issue. You are better than that and it will show him that he made a serious mistake in thinking that he could play with a woman's heart like that.. Maybe it will make him a better man some day, but right now, honey, you need to focus on moving past this and realizing that you are worth MUCH MORE than this man has given you......

LOVE YOU **LONG HUG** You are not alone.

Thanks for your reply... but I'm just not ready to say it's over yet. If he does this every again, yes, it will be over. I've told him so as well. Believe me, I am not acting like it hasn't happened...

There ARE NO guarantees in anything, no? I can't guarantee that I'll feel the same about him in two years that I feel now. He can't guarantee that. We can't even guarantee that our closest friends that we have now will be our closest friends in two years. All I can do now really is hope that he does what he says he's going to do. I will have to work on my end on not bringing it up every day like I really want to. I can't do that, obviously.

I guess all I can say right now is, "We'll see." I'll just wait and see what happens. What he does. So far he's made strides...

You have two options:

1.) Divorce him

2.) Accept that he will have other woman on the side. Some couples adust to this, and work out fine. Some don't.

This guy is gonna chase/flirt/date other woman, he just telling you what you want to hear at the moment. Don't be angry with him, either accpet or move on.

It's your choice........

Wow. It's sad that you think that these are the only options.

[Ling Ling 22]

Ya know...I think you're gonna be just fine. Glad we could be here for you to vent off some steam.

Sounds like your husband understands the severity, and like he wants to get out of the dog-house, and never go there again.

Best of luck

[Waldo 0]

I only ask that you keep us informed. I really hope the best for you!