difficult night

[JA Tam 7]

Sounds like a page out of my book - with how things sometimes happen between my husband and I. You did not abuse your husband. It sounds like the two of you are walking on egg shells with each other because you are afraid of what will happen if the wrong thing is done or said. I would not say it's a cultural thing, but one or both of you would be classified as a sensitive person. One thing that I want you to remind yourself, you stated that you know that your husband loves you. Wrap yourself in this, considering that this incident or others like it will not break your relationship, not if the both of you are willing to work at it.

Hopefully you will both be able to come to a compromise in respect to how you deal with conflicts. I am similar to your husband, in that I need a little space before we discuss something that happened, while my husband wants to deal with it then. When I am upset with him, I don't want to be touched or be in the same space as he is. But that by no means is an indication of how I feel about him. I love him with my whole heart and soul.

If this is really worrying you, as I see it is, if you are both a part of a church, schedule a time to talk with your minister and see what common ground you can find.

I wish you the best.

Edited September 7, 2007 by JA Tam

[mylovemylife 0]

WHAT TRUST DID U BREAK? COULD HE NOT SAY SORRY FOR TAKEING SO MUCH SPACE? WHY ARE U BLAMEING YOURSELF

I guess by that I mean that I did something to him when he was asleep and vulnerable.

Aside from the shove, what I do know is that my feelings got hurt in the beginning to a degree that was out of proportion to the situation. And I can't say that he caused that because I've had that tendency in other relationships, though less so as I've gotten older. As I said, I saw a glimpse of myself at 16. We probably both need to do some growing up, but I can't do his for him. I'll work harder at letting the little things drop. He tunes out, but I fume and smolder, and that doesn't do us any good.

[Caladan 19]

Dude, you just pushed him while you were sleeping to make room. Talk out how you feel with your husband, but as long as you're being honest (i.e., you didn't try to make him move with a baseball bat), you just pushed him to make room for yourself.

[raymaga 26]

If what you describe is considered "abuse", then I abuse my husband almost every single night. He is a chronic snorer and I have to either push him, nudge him with my knee, or pull at the blankets to get him to change position and stop snoring for a few minutes so I can try to fall back to sleep.

He sometimes gets a little cranky when I do this because it has interrupted his sleep. We never feel the need to discuss the situation the next morning, though. We got a king sized bed delivered yesterday, and even though we now have more room, the snoring issue will never be resolved.

I think your abusive past with your ex has made you just a little over-sensitive to this kind of thing (understandably).

[eric&gen 0]

Both of you need to grow up stop acting like bed hogs if you need to buy a king size bed draw a line down the middle or buy two twin size beds so the both of you have your own space if it comes to that point lol.

Best response yet. I'll give him the sharpie marker and he can draw the line. Then I'll pick my side.

Better yet make love not war in bed lol that what is a bed used for making sweet love all night long lol.

[mylovemylife 0]

Sounds like a page out of my book - with how things sometimes happen between my husband and I. You did not abuse your husband. It sounds like the two of you are walking on egg shells with each other because you are afraid of what will happen if the wrong thing is done or said. I would not say it's a cultural thing, but one or both of you would be classified as a sensitive person. One thing that I want you to remind yourself, you stated that you know that your husband loves you. Wrap yourself in this, considering that this incident or others like it will not break your relationship, not if the both of you are willing to work at it.

Hopefully you will both be able to come to a compromise in respect to how you deal with conflicts. I am similar to your husband, in that I need a little space before we discuss something that happened, while my husband wants to deal with it then. When I am upset with him, I don't want to be touched or be in the same space as he is. But that by no means is an indication of how I feel about him. I love him with my whole heart and soul.

If this is really worrying you, as I see it is, if you are both a part of a church, schedule a time to talk with your minister and see what common ground you can find.

I wish you the best.

Thank you! You do express it the way my husband does. I do tend to be the oversensitive one. He and one of my sisters are very similar, actually, with needing the space. It's when I try to insist that we work it out then and there that he says the things he's been trying to avoid saying. We're human, and we'll have another spat one of these days. Next time, I will try my hardest to let go peacefully, leave out the melodrama, and let him come to me when he is ready. If I can manage it the first time, it will be easier the next time. It's all a learning process and our marriage is still in its infancy.

As for the minister, we went through premarital counseling by choice and found it meaningful. If we aren't able to work through this (although I am optimistic that we will), we'll go back to the minister since we were both comfortable in that environment.

[joelunchbox 0]

Keep in mind that some people are not very comfortable communicating. Keep in mind that some people are overly analytical/sensitive. Put them together and you have a very edgy relationship. I think you two could use some more trust in the relationship and I believe that comes from open, thoughtful, constructive communication. Pick a neutral place and time and talk. Ask him, what should I do if I find you sprawled out on the bed--He might like you to kiss his toes to get him to move. I couldn't see someone kissing my toes as an aggressive act!! haha Open up and be honest.

It isn't easy--even within a pretty good relationship. This is something I work on all the time. I have been absolutely amazed by my finace's ability to accept me. And I try to surprise her in the same manner.

It is obvious that there is a lot of emotion there--now , put it to work constructively.

[Mononoke28 137]

I think you both overreacted to the situation. And I totally understand about not discussing something before going to bed because you just end up going in circles till 2AM and nothing is accomplished, it's a waste of time. Little things like this shouldn't get blown out of proportion by neither one of you or it will be the beginning of the end.

So he told you to stop complaining and then said he was joking, so what?

So you pushed him and woke him up, so what?

No big deal.

Diana

[Nessa 23]

I can understand both points of view. my thoughts for you is either let it die or if it's really bothering you, tell him the exact thing you told us on your first post. Most of the times communication is the solution for many problems. Sometimes let it go, let it die, sleep on it and forget about it can be as effective.

Edited September 7, 2007 by Nessa

[mylovemylife 0]

I want to say thank you to everyone who responded and for every point of view that was offered. I know my own behavior didn't make a lot of sense. There's so much pressure in this process, as all of you know, and sometimes we break down in ways we don't expect. Sometimes I don't recognize myself. This episode opened my eyes to some things I need to work on.

My husband and I have talked. We each apologized, and everything is normal between us again. I hear the warmth and love in his voice and I believe he hears it in mine. This doesn't mean we don't have more work to do on how we communicate when issues pop up, big ones and small ones, but that is true in any marriage. We won't ever finish learning about each other. But I think we both feel secure again.

You all were certainly cheaper than a therapy session, and I didn't read the dreaded "codependency" word even once. Jokes aside, thank you again. I won't ask for the thread to be closed since that's a touchy subject, and there's also a boatload of good advice here that someone else may need later, but I don't plan to post again under this name.

Best wishes to all of you.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

sounds like this incident was just the tip of the iceberg..and there are some deep seated issues ...unresolved..you need to talk...

I agree. Resentment can easily build up that creates the underlying tension there. Talking about what's on each other's minds, no matter how small is important, as well as forgiveness. Even though I can be become withdrawn and silent sometimes, I know it really sucks for the other person. I'd ask him during a time of relative peace between the two of you that you want to talk.

[almaty 19]

sounds like this incident was just the tip of the iceberg..and there are some deep seated issues ...unresolved..you need to talk...

I agree. Resentment can easily build up that creates the underlying tension there. Talking about what's on each other's minds, no matter how small is important, as well as forgiveness. Even though I can be become withdrawn and silent sometimes, I know it really sucks for the other person. I'd ask him during a time of relative peace between the two of you that you want to talk.

..well stated brother stevie

[Jason-Sasha 1]

I can understand both points of view. my thoughts for you is either let it die or if it's really bothering you, tell him the exact thing you told us on your first post. Most of the times communication is the solution for many problems. Sometimes let it go, let it die, sleep on it and forget about it can be as effective.

I agree with this...

[Fandango 1,440]

sounds like this incident was just the tip of the iceberg..and there are some deep seated issues ...unresolved..you need to talk...

I agree...

[joelunchbox 0]

I want to say thank you to everyone who responded and for every point of view that was offered. I know my own behavior didn't make a lot of sense. There's so much pressure in this process, as all of you know, and sometimes we break down in ways we don't expect. Sometimes I don't recognize myself. This episode opened my eyes to some things I need to work on.

My husband and I have talked. We each apologized, and everything is normal between us again. I hear the warmth and love in his voice and I believe he hears it in mine. This doesn't mean we don't have more work to do on how we communicate when issues pop up, big ones and small ones, but that is true in any marriage. We won't ever finish learning about each other. But I think we both feel secure again.

You all were certainly cheaper than a therapy session, and I didn't read the dreaded "codependency" word even once. Jokes aside, thank you again. I won't ask for the thread to be closed since that's a touchy subject, and there's also a boatload of good advice here that someone else may need later, but I don't plan to post again under this name.

Best wishes to all of you.

Good for you two! But now is the best time to start on making sure it doesn't happen again or at least as much as last time. tell him how it makes you feel, ask him what you two can do about it. go out and find a good couples communication book. don't wait, you want to strengthen your relationship while the seas are calm.

Good luck and stay positive, and don't push..........too much.