difficult night

[mylovemylife 0]

I'm a longtime member here, but I'm hurting and ashamed about something that happened last night, so I'm posting under a different name. I'm sorry for the secrecy and for the laundry-airing post. Part of what happened may or may not have to do with this intercultural adjustment so many of us go through, or it may be just basic man-woman stuff.

My husband has been with me for a few months now (I am the USC). We love each other dearly. There is no doubt in my mind about that. We have the usual misunderstandings, and we always work them out. We have never yelled at each other or raised a hand to each other in anger. If he does feel hurt or frustrated by something I say or do, he usually responds by tuning out for a while. I am someone who wants to clear the air immediately, but I respect that this is not his way. His response feels cold to me, but when we talk about it away from the situation, he tells me he needs to react that way so that he will not yell or say something he regrets and has time to calm down. I respect that so much, but it's still an adjustment for me to accept a cold shoulder for a while.

Last night, we were in bed watching a movie. Long story short, I found myself on the edge of the bed and asked him to move over a little. He did so and told me to stop complaining. There had been no tension at all until that point, but then I felt the cold shoulder. I believe now that this was a simple misunderstanding, but at the time, I still only saw it from my own point of view.

I wanted that tension between us to be gone before we slept, but he started to drift off without us discussing it at all. I felt alone, and I wanted to talk it out with him and understand what had happened, but I was trying to give him space. So I went to the living room because I felt like I would cry, I felt so alone. I prayed for a long time because I wanted to understand. It got later and later, and I returned to bed to try to sleep. When I got there, he was asleep, lying diagonally across the bed. I know this was not intentional -- when he sleeps, he just occupies whatever space there is without knowing he's doing that. But it was impossible for me to lie down. I pushed his legs over and tried to sleep but could not.

When I pushed his legs, he woke up, but he didn't say anything for a while. When he finally spoke, he told me that I had pushed him in anger while he was sleeping, and that was a nasty thing to do. He said that when he had told me to stop complaining earlier, he was joking, and that it was I, not he, who became cold, so his response had been to leave things alone and try to sleep since an argument when we are both tired grows out of proportion quickly.

So now I could the other point of view as well as my own, and God only knows which one, if either one, is accurate. But the one thing we both agree on is that I pushed him when he was asleep. It wasn't a hard push. As far as the physical nature of it, it was no different than the time he turned me from my back to my side because I was snoring, a caring act on his part. But in this case, it was a physical action driven by emotion. He believes I acted out of anger. I believe I acted out of hurt and because I needed room to sleep; I felt no anger propelling me. I remember thinking that asking him to move over earlier hadn't been a great success, so... But either way, it was a physical act driven by emotion. And now I am a mess. He has not said that he has forgiven me. When I woke up early this morning he did not protest when I put my arm around him to sleep, but he did not respond. When I went to the bed to kiss him goodbye and tell him I love him as I do every morning before work, he would not respond except to say he would see me this evening and we would talk then. I am full of self-doubt. I am wondering if that push means I am that kind of person. Reading back, most of this seems like such a silly story, so why am I writing it out like this? The answer is that I am sitting here at work after a sleepless night wondering if I abused my husband last night. Can someone please tell me? If I did, what do I do now? I don't trust my own point of view. I ask myself if I can imagine either of my parents doing that to the other, and the answer is no. I just feel lost, and I pray that I haven't damaged my relationship with my husband. I want to say, well, we just need a queen-sized bed, or I need to lose weight (true that), or next time, I should be practical and just move to the sofa to sleep, no escalation that way and we both get our sleep. It's all very easy in hindsight. But right now, everything is muddled, and I just pray that he will forgive me.

I know this is a lot of drama and probably doesn't belong here. This is one of those times I don't want to feel 16 again. It does help to write it out. I just called my husband, his wake-up call for work, just like every morning. I told him I love him and that I will do whatever I need to do to fix what I did wrong last night. I believe he will forgive me, maybe already has, just hasn't said so because he is still hurting. I didn't nag him to say anything. I'm trying very hard to leave this in God's hands. I feel awful. This is supposed to mean I'm learning something, right? My husband is my treasure, and I have to rebuild his trust.

[Traviesa 0]

The one thing you did not do is abuse your husband. Abusive behavior is something you do out of anger and wanting to hurt someone, not because you need space on your bed to go to sleep.

[Jenn! 918]

Reading back, most of this seems like such a silly story, so why am I writing it out like this?

Just my 2 cents, but I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. Don't sweat the small stuff - I'm sure he's already forgotten about it, so you should too.

[*julez* 124]

Sounds like a bit of an over-reaction on his part. I'm sure you didn't "abuse" him. I know I've had to give my fiance a good push in bed every now and again so I have room for myself! He always apologizes for being a bed hog. I wouldn't fret another moment about this. Give yourself a break!

[ya falaha! 0]

You're being way too hard on yourself. Your husband overreacted. In the future don't make such a big deal out of situations like this.

[*JG* 2]

I don't see the intent to physically harm him as being there at all.

You needed to get into bed and, although angry and frustrated, I don't see your push as anything more then scooting him over so you could acomplish this.

Honestly, I think the fact that you are questioning whether you did something wrong or not, is an answer in itself. If you had meant to physically harm him, you would know this already.

Don't sweat it.

I would, however, discuss this issue since it seems both of you tend to blow things out of proportion fairly easily. This could eventually escalate.

[TracyTN 237]

No, you did not abuse your husband! Its all about intent. You didn't 'push' him to hurt him, you pushed him because you knew that by doing so, he would move over so that you could lay down and sleep. My husband rarely even wakes up when I do this to him - which can be as often as every other night (he sleeps like the dead, LOL). And I assure you, he does NOT feel abused.

It does sound like you have things to talk over with your husband, but don't let him make you feel guilty for this (or let him make this one incident a lightning rod for anything else that's going on in the marriage).

[Jasman0717 9]

Reading back, most of this seems like such a silly story, so why am I writing it out like this?

Just my 2 cents, but I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. Don't sweat the small stuff - I'm sure he's already forgotten about it, so you should too.

Claudeth always takes her half of the bed right out of the middle of my half

[RosaMystica7 1]

I agree with the others, you did NOT abuse your husband and he's definitely over-reacting about this. There's nothing wrong with scooting him over so you can get into your own bed to sleep.

[almaty 19]

sounds like this incident was just the tip of the iceberg..and there are some deep seated issues ...unresolved..you need to talk...

[chri'stina 190]

No, you did not abuse your husband! Its all about intent. You didn't 'push' him to hurt him, you pushed him because you knew that by doing so, he would move over so that you could lay down and sleep. My husband rarely even wakes up when I do this to him - which can be as often as every other night (he sleeps like the dead, LOL). And I assure you, he does NOT feel abused.

It does sound like you have things to talk over with your husband, but don't let him make you feel guilty for this (or let him make this one incident a lightning rod for anything else that's going on in the marriage).

I think many of us have nudged our spouse to move while sleeping. I know I have! If a knee gets jabbed on my side of the bed while I'm sleeping I push it out of the way. Sometimes I add, "move over!" in a whiny voice too. It's normal.

[mylovemylife 0]

Reading back, most of this seems like such a silly story, so why am I writing it out like this?

Just my 2 cents, but I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. Don't sweat the small stuff - I'm sure he's already forgotten about it, so you should too.

Claudeth always takes her half of the bed right out of the middle of my half

I've told him this before.

Honestly, thank you all! I'm not normally weird like this, believe it or not. We've been through so much (the stuff all VJers go through) and stayed best friends through it all, and when little things do come up, they can seem big for no reason. My husband is under a great deal of stress at work. I'm taking on extra responsibilities. The budget is extremely tight. A close family member has been ill. We're both probably running on a sleep deficit -- I know I am. And then a silly bed fight over nothing... It's about all the other things, I think, the ones that we can't control. And I know for a fact that everything looks WAY more serious when I'm tired. We've been a team all through this, and we will stay that way. Yesterday, before all of this, we planned to get out in nature this evening. We'll go, and make up as always, and everything will be fine.

Thank you all for your reassurance about what I did. My ex was abusive, physically so in the end. I may overanalyze my own behavior in part because of that, the fear of doing to someone else what he did to me. I agree that my husband and I need to talk about this, when we are both rested and relaxed. I have never known folks here to mince words, so I knew I'd get a straight answer, as well as a dash of cold water if I needed it. We will be fine. Thank you so much.

[eric&gen 0]

Both of you need to grow up stop acting like bed hogs if you need to buy a king size bed draw a line down the middle or buy two twin size beds so the both of you have your own space if it comes to that point lol.

[brnidokiegurl 1]

WHAT TRUST DID U BREAK? COULD HE NOT SAY SORRY FOR TAKEING SO MUCH SPACE? WHY ARE U BLAMEING YOURSELF

[mylovemylife 0]

Both of you need to grow up stop acting like bed hogs if you need to buy a king size bed draw a line down the middle or buy two twin size beds so the both of you have your own space if it comes to that point lol.

Best response yet. I'll give him the sharpie marker and he can draw the line. Then I'll pick my side.