My husband is a narcissist

[B&DT 5]

Since May my husbands behavior changed alot. Suddenly silent treatment while i was there and finding out about other women. We have spousal visa pending. I have visiting every 3 months staying for 3 weeks. I left after 5 days with my personal stuff. I was completely in shock and had a very bad feeling. We been together 2 years and married 10 months. I have temporary living in my country getting ready for GC. Only a bed and personal belongings. I have read through chat logs etc. And there is no doubt that he has been grooming me, gaslighting, silent treatment, lies..lies lies. I have paid for furniture, helped out with rent, gerting his car fixed etc. So he could get a job, keep it etc.  When waiting time on i130 now said weeks.. this behavior to me in direct person. Cleary all other visits has been love bombing to keep in loop. 

I cant find a new place to live that i can afford in my country. Im pretty sure this whole marriage and relationship is fraud on his part for financial benefit. 

I am so lost and dont know what to do.

My future was in US and now nothing and the place im staying told me i will have to move out in September.

Can i do Vawa?  Hours and hours leave little doubt about the mental and psychological abuse he put me through.  

Please ..i really didn't see it. I know i should have but i didn't. 

[B&DT 5]

There are many many more details to all this. I im therapy because of this. My whole life and future i thought i had was all lies.

[Allaboutwaiting 2,503]

You need to read on the requirements for self petitioning to evaluate if your case qualifies.

 

https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/abused-spouses-children-and-parents

 

Now, I'm curious about two things:

1.  You mention "financial benefit". What do you mean by that?

2. Why do you want to move to the US if your marriage is not working out?

[B&DT 5]

1 hour ago, Allaboutwaiting said:

You need to read on the requirements for self petitioning to evaluate if your case qualifies.

 

https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/abused-spouses-children-and-parents

 

Now, I'm curious about two things:

1.  You mention "financial benefit". What do you mean by that?

2. Why do you want to move to the US if your marriage is not working out?

By financial benefit i mean that he actually wasn't looking for jobs, letting me pay rent etc.  

 

I dont have any family anymore here, i have made friends and have a close relationship with his kids.

Thank you for the link.

[Dashinka 24,592]

I am confused.  Are you in the US now?  What is the status of the spousal visa?  If outside the US, I am not sure there is anything that can be done.

[B&DT 5]

3 minutes ago, Dashinka said:

I am confused.  Are you in the US now?  What is the status of the spousal visa?  If outside the US, I am not sure there is anything that can be done.

I left Us because i didn't know where to go or do when i found out about it all. I was in a state of shock. Status on spousal visa has just turned to *taking longer than expected* 

[Boiler 45,662]

VAWA can be done through a Consulate.

[B&DT 5]

1 minute ago, Boiler said:

VAWA can be done through a Consulate.

Thank you, im looking into possible crminal charges for fraud.  To me it looks like he never intended to have me immigrate. But only wanted me to support him from Denmark. So i think that he married me to "keep the fraud going"  He asked me to marry him. 

[carmel34 3,639]

23 minutes ago, B&DT said:

im looking into possible crminal charges for fraud.

All you can do is report his behavior to USCIS.  They will review the facts and make a decision whether to investigate or not.  Documentation of the fraudulent behavior will be necessary, not just your claims:

 

https://www.uscis.gov/report-fraud/uscis-tip-form

 

You can also try to file VAWA from outside the US if you qualify:

 

https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/abused-spouses-children-and-parents

 

Note that to qualify, you need to have resided with your husband in the USA for an undefined period of time.  You can apply and see if your visits to stay with him are sufficient.  You will also need documentation to show that "extreme cruelty" occurred in the US while you were visiting/living together.  His narcissism alone may not be enough, but the reviewing officers will make the decision based on their judgment and interpretation of the law.

 

So sorry this has happened to you, and best of luck!

Edited July 31, 2023 by carmel34

[Redro 4,611]

VAWA isn't a fast or easy fix especially outside the US. 

It currently takes about 3 years when someone is inside the US. Most people don't apply outside the US but you would be waiting maybe 3-4 years. 

You won't be able to resolve your moving to the US issue in September when you are no longer able to stay in your current residence. 

I would add - if your spouse is being supported by you and has children (and appears to not be working). I do not think they will be able to successfully sponsor you via the I-864. 

 

You might want to reconcile with the reality that moving to the US is not on the horizon and if your spouse is currently not working and using you for money. He might not have ever had the plan to complete the process. 

[B&DT 5]

16 minutes ago, carmel34 said:

All you can do is report his behavior to USCIS.  They will review the facts and make a decision whether to investigate or not.  Documentation of the fraudulent behavior will be necessary, not just your claims:

 

https://www.uscis.gov/report-fraud/uscis-tip-form

 

You can also try to file VAWA from outside the US if you qualify:

 

https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/abused-spouses-children-and-parents

 

Note that to qualify, you need to have resided with your husband in the USA for an undefined period of time.  You can apply and see if your visits to stay with him are sufficient.  You will also need documentation to show that "extreme cruelty" occurred in the US while you were visiting/living together.  His narcissism alone may not be enough, but the reviewing officers will make the decision based on their judgment and interpretation of the law.

 

So sorry this has happened to you, and best of luck!

Thank you !

I have a ton of proof. page after page of chatlogs, reciepts and so on. He hated talking on the phone so everything is chatlogged. I had to stop reading them because it made me sick. The lieing, manipulation and everything is so clear. I didn't see it at the time, only remember times of confusion on what he said etc. Very traumatising.

I will look into it all thank you so much.

Im trying to make sense of my life right now since it has been broken into a million pieces. 

 

[B&DT 5]

15 minutes ago, Redro said:

VAWA isn't a fast or easy fix especially outside the US. 

It currently takes about 3 years when someone is inside the US. Most people don't apply outside the US but you would be waiting maybe 3-4 years. 

You won't be able to resolve your moving to the US issue in September when you are no longer able to stay in your current residence. 

I would add - if your spouse is being supported by you and has children (and appears to not be working). I do not think they will be able to successfully sponsor you via the I-864. 

 

You might want to reconcile with the reality that moving to the US is not on the horizon and if your spouse is currently not working and using you for money. He might not have ever had the plan to complete the process. 

You are probably right, right now im traumatised by it all and trying to figure things out. My whole life has been shatterd etc.  

Im not supporting him fully but over some months ..

[Redro 4,611]

25 minutes ago, B&DT said:

You are probably right, right now im traumatised by it all and trying to figure things out. My whole life has been shatterd etc.  

Im not supporting him fully but over some months ..

I am so sorry you are experiencing this right now. 

As you are in therapy I recommend talking to your therapist about how best to move forward.

I wish you healing and happiness.  

[B&DT 5]

4 minutes ago, Redro said:

I am so sorry you are experiencing this right now. 

As you are in therapy I recommend talking to your therapist about how best to move forward.

I wish you healing and happiness.  

Thank you so much ❤️

[Boiler 45,662]

We have had members apply for VAWA through Consular processing, not common, but I have seen it happen.

 

I do not think I have come across a case where the non USC has reported their spouse to USCIS, maybe I have forgotten, no reason of course why not. I see the main benefit is that this would make it very difficult for him to sponsor somebody else.

 

I agree with the other posters, your first focus should be getting your life back on track, filing for divorce, I think you have 2 years from the date of divorce to file VAWA. You can divorce in your home country.