Big fight, husband crossed a line

[Bigdaddy288 16]

On 7/4/2023 at 12:34 PM, AlwaysLearning said:

It isn't the first big fight, there have been other fights/arguments, but this is the first time he crossed a line and I am disappointed it happened. It is the first time trying to organize our finances together.

And, yes, we still aren't talking.

 

He said last night "I'm sorry I called you a (removed)", but I honestly don't believe he is - it didn't feel like an apology at all. If he was sorry, he would step up and treat his wife better. I know I'd do that if I really cared about the person in front of me.

 

He doesn't seem to be willing to work on the issues, he keeps saying that he doesn't see the point because, from where he stands, I am the person who doesn't at all care about him. But his "justification" just seems circular. I am extremely mentally exhausted, to be completely frank....

 

First of all, I apologize. I just seen this post of yours and I just seen its not the first big fight. But I still see first time of crossing the boundaries 

Your husband realizes he crossed the line hence him apologizing. Is it genuine? Only God and him know. 

But what you can do is: communicate and establish your boundaries and also give him the unltimatum: "[husband name] in this relationship i respect you but i also expect respect back. You crossed a line yesterday that if it was someone else, the consequence wouldve been them eliminated from my life. However i feel our marriage is stronger than that so here are my expectations(lay them all out). If we agree on them, only time will show how genuine your apology is. However if those boundaries are crossed in the future, this is the outcome (walking away, seperating, divorce..  your choice)" and see what he says. If he truely loves you, he will change for you. If not save yourself the headache and get out. Tell him also that since you are his wife, you are here to help him to improve his situation. 

 

One more advice: when you feel resistance from your husband for talking about an issue that you know has to be talked about, dont act like no you gonna listen to me. He will shut down on you and he wont hear anyone. 

 

Please watch this video: 

 

 

You can see the difference in the guy's face between both ladies and how they communicated with him. (I know it's a different subject in the video but you get the idea) 

After watching the whole video: I don't know about the perfume part 😂 but that's up to you too. 

I'm kidding I'm kidding, I'm just trying to make you smile. 

 

Win your husband and I promise, he will move mountains for you.

 

This method if you decided to go with it, comes after establishing you boubdaries. Dont do it before that. 

 

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie
edited quoted part for language

[bdglen 31]

On 7/4/2023 at 8:55 PM, SalishSea said:

Nope, sorry.   
 

OP’s spouse called her those names.  There is no respect there.   

 

Maybe I'm old school too, or maybe it's because I'm gay and married to another man, but my attitude is " happens" sometimes our emotions outpace our heart and brain. If a few lousy words spoken in a moment of passion are enough for you to throw it all away, maybe you never really had it in the first place. If you don't want to fight to keep it, it's not really worth keeping.

[AlwaysLearning 9]

13 minutes ago, bdglen said:

Maybe I'm old school too, or maybe it's because I'm gay and married to another man, but my attitude is " happens" sometimes our emotions outpace our heart and brain. If a few lousy words spoken in a moment of passion are enough for you to throw it all away, maybe you never really had it in the first place. If you don't want to fight to keep it, it's not really worth keeping.

I'll be honest -- we've been arguing every day ever since I've posted this. I don't know that I haven't fought for this love, I'd say that I definitely did, but it's really tiring that I have come to a point to need to record him due to the lies... Simply to show I'm not going crazy, he's just straight up lying to me and gaslighting me.

 

I don't know how I can keep fighting for this... I can barely get out of bed from how depressed it gets me😔

[bdglen 31]

2 minutes ago, AlwaysLearning said:

I'll be honest -- we've been arguing every day ever since I've posted this. I don't know that I haven't fought for this love, I'd say that I definitely did, but it's really tiring that I have come to a point to need to record him due to the lies... Simply to show I'm not going crazy, he's just straight up lying to me and gaslighting me.

 

I don't know how I can keep fighting for this... I can barely get out of bed from how depressed it gets me😔

If it's not too personal a question, could you elaborate on what the fighting has been about specifically. Is he cheating on you? IS he stealing money from a joint account? sometimes the specifics of a situation can really change the necessary actions.  Again, respond only if you feel comfortable.

 

[AlwaysLearning 9]

45 minutes ago, bdglen said:

If it's not too personal a question, could you elaborate on what the fighting has been about specifically. Is he cheating on you? IS he stealing money from a joint account? sometimes the specifics of a situation can really change the necessary actions.  Again, respond only if you feel comfortable.

 

Last year I got pregnant right after we got married, I wanted to keep the baby, he kept saying that we can't afford it and that we are apart, so I should have an abortion. It was an extremely hard decision for me because I wanted to keep it, he kept saying that he'll be "a deadbeat dad" (actual quote from him). So now I'm realizing he was letting me know he won't be there if that's the line of reasoning he seemingly went down on. So, I felt pressured to have an abortion...

A couple nights ago I confessed about how I'm still hurting mentally from that whole experience last year, and somehow, I don't remember exactly how it all happened because it was a heated argument... he said something along the lines of that his ex girlfriend didn't have an abortion and she simply drank and smoked her baby to death, and that I should *somehow* feel better for doing it the humane way. **But I didn't want to have an abortion AT ALL**. 

 

I feel like my heart has been ripped in half ever since the abortion, and he simply refuses to understand, and I should understand that he will likely never change.

 

This is why we argued - it's this discussion and seemingly every discussion that turns into an argument. Every day...

Edited July 9, 2023 by AlwaysLearning

[Marshae04 11]

On 7/4/2023 at 5:31 AM, Catia&Sal said:

An advice from an old experienced italian lady: don't leave immediately!

Leave the "dust" fell down on the floor, and take your time to rethink about the entire situation.

If you moved here, leaving your Country and went through the (endless) process to obtein the GC, it means something, right? Just now was a fight. It happens sometimes to say things you don't really think only because you are angry. Now I try to see your point: "I'm here alone, nobody from my family, US is a difficult Country for living, maybe some problem with language (as I have!)... and this man I gave everything for, the love of my life, now became my worst enemy!!!"... It is  very human reaction thinking to run away!

But take a bit for thinking about it , and all the consequences it would bring. It's worth to do it? Are you really sure that coming back to your Country is the solution that would make you happier and safer? If you leave now, probably will be very difficult to step back. Running  and doing things on the spur of the moment never solved a problem. So, unless you are afraid for your security, I would take some time for myself, just to clear my mind.    

Good luck!

Great advice I agree 

[Redro 4,600]

5 minutes ago, AlwaysLearning said:

Food for thought, thanks for the advice🤗

The great thing about VJ is we get a lot of perspectives from different cultures. but, always remember to be true to yourself and your dealbreakers. 

[Ontarkie 13,917]

~~Thread moved to Effects of Major Family Changes- as a more appropriate forum.~~

~~Inappropriate post has been removed. Two post which quoted removed post has been removed. I've also had to edit several post for by passing the language filter. Do not continue to bypass the language filter or post in manners that attack or be condescending to the OP.~~

Edited July 10, 2023 by Ontarkie

[SalishSea 16,776]

4 hours ago, bdglen said:

Maybe I'm old school too, or maybe it's because I'm gay and married to another man, but my attitude is " happens" sometimes our emotions outpace our heart and brain. If a few lousy words spoken in a moment of passion are enough for you to throw it all away, maybe you never really had it in the first place. If you don't want to fight to keep it, it's not really worth keeping.

Doesn’t really sound like OP’s situation is as such…..

[Bigdaddy288 16]

22 hours ago, AlwaysLearning said:

Last year I got pregnant right after we got married, I wanted to keep the baby, he kept saying that we can't afford it and that we are apart, so I should have an abortion. It was an extremely hard decision for me because I wanted to keep it, he kept saying that he'll be "a deadbeat dad" (actual quote from him). So now I'm realizing he was letting me know he won't be there if that's the line of reasoning he seemingly went down on. So, I felt pressured to have an abortion...

A couple nights ago I confessed about how I'm still hurting mentally from that whole experience last year, and somehow, I don't remember exactly how it all happened because it was a heated argument... he said something along the lines of that his ex girlfriend didn't have an abortion and she simply drank and smoked her baby to death, and that I should *somehow* feel better for doing it the humane way. **But I didn't want to have an abortion AT ALL**. 

 

I feel like my heart has been ripped in half ever since the abortion, and he simply refuses to understand, and I should understand that he will likely never change.

 

This is why we argued - it's this discussion and seemingly every discussion that turns into an argument. Every day...

I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this. It hurts hearing the stand that some men think they are entitled to when it comes to women. 

The way I see it there are 3 options:

 

* Counseling: and that depends on whether you think you relationship is worth working for. 

 

* leaving him and applying for vawa based on emotional abuse (you will have to provide proof, I'm not sure what kind of proof you would need) 

 

* leaving him and leaving this country. Which you might have to way your options especially if you are all by yourself here. (Not impossible to overcome being by yourself, but possible to build from 0) 

 

If anybody can guide you on the evidence you would need, number 2 option is the way I would go in my opinion. However as I said before, you are an intelligent and free woman. You know what's best for you and your future. 

 

 

The fact that he said what he said about an unborn baby is beyond my imagination. Not all men are like him I promise.