Feeling uneasy

[Annalo 1]

So I know this isn't a site to get relationship advice...but I really feel that I need to speak with people going through the same situation. Don't know anyone in a ldr relationship. Fiance was approved 4 weeks ago and we both are excited and relieved it is done! We have been together for 3 years. He has visited 5 times and I've gone there once. It's been a lot of time, money and commitment on both ends. 

 

Things have been a little rocky though latley. Our relationship has always been an amazing one and I always felt I could talk with him. Now he is always busy and is even making up excuses, changing the time when he should come. I try to be understanding but it's also hard. I know he's leaving everything behind.. But I'd also like to know when he's coming and arrange things. 

 

I just feel a huge lack of effort on his part and communication is key when you're in a long distance relationship. I have talked to him about all of this but it usually ends up in an argument. It's scary because we are supposed to live together and get married? 

 

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation maybe? Does it just get harder before you close the distance? I love him and because of that I want him happy. I wouldn't want him giving up everything if it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm just feeling rather down about it recently. 

[NYCruiser 423]

Yes it is hard having a LDR, however, since it has been 3 years, your relationship has been modeled on being apart. Sometimes, one or both of the couple get 'cold feet' as to how will they compote themselves in close proximity. When you were with your fiancee in the UK for the five times, did you notice anything untoward? ie prefers his/her space, phone issues, etc etc.

 

if not, maybe its just they are scared?

[Ebunoluwa 6,140]

If he is withdrawing then give him space and pursue something you like to do. Stop hovering. Give him space to miss you

and re focus on both of you again. If not then move on without him. Never chase a man who seems to have lost interest.

Communication on expectations is the key to being compatible.

He may just need to more time to prepare to move and is busy wrapping up his life there.

[JRF 117]

1 hour ago, Annalo said:

So I know this isn't a site to get relationship advice...but I really feel that I need to speak with people going through the same situation. Don't know anyone in a ldr relationship. Fiance was approved 4 weeks ago and we both are excited and relieved it is done! We have been together for 3 years. He has visited 5 times and I've gone there once. It's been a lot of time, money and commitment on both ends. 

 

Things have been a little rocky though latley. Our relationship has always been an amazing one and I always felt I could talk with him. Now he is always busy and is even making up excuses, changing the time when he should come. I try to be understanding but it's also hard. I know he's leaving everything behind.. But I'd also like to know when he's coming and arrange things. 

 

I just feel a huge lack of effort on his part and communication is key when you're in a long distance relationship. I have talked to him about all of this but it usually ends up in an argument. It's scary because we are supposed to live together and get married? 

 

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation maybe? Does it just get harder before you close the distance? I love him and because of that I want him happy. I wouldn't want him giving up everything if it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm just feeling rather down about it recently. 

Change is tough on almost everyone, and while being in an LDR is hard, it can also be deceptively hard to transition from the long distance to no distance.  People have to suddenly make compromises on how they spend time that weren't as relevant before...and it could be that he is adjusting to the fact that he is going to have a wife, and not a long distance significant other (btw, I am not insinuating anything about the quality of your relationship or your fiance.).  This, combined with a move to another country, is a big deal.  My only advice to working thru it is to be patient, pay attention to what he says and does not say, and also protect yourself.  Its a change for you, too.

 

Best of luck.  I am not a certified relationship counsellor by any means.  Just someone with some life experience.

[Ash.1101 1,757]

3 minutes ago, Ebunoluwa said:

If he is withdrawing then give him space and pursue something you like to do. Stop hovering. Give him space to miss you

and re focus on both of you again. If not then move on without him. Never chase a man who seems to have lost interest.

Communication on expectations is the key to being compatible.

He may just need to more time to prepare to move and is busy wrapping up his life there.

Agree'd. If missing you doesn't kick him into getting his stuff done and plan out how to get there to be with you then nothing will.

Sometimes people are more okay with LDR's than they are actual same place relationships, once there is no way to stop ya'll from being together, the person who maybe enjoyed the being apart starts freaking out because there is no more excuses. The inevitability of "Oh yes, I'm actually going to move countries and marry this woman" starts to kick in and that can scare some people pretty badly. Not only are you moving countries but you're already marrying someone, it's a case for double cold feet.

I know some people take it almost as a vacation when they visit their loved ones, they plan out lavish events or go out and do things they wouldn't normally do as a married couple outside their honeymoon or an every so often big kind of date night.

One of the things we made sure to do while dating, was to make sure that when he visited my life over here didn't change. The ONLY time my husband visited that we treated it like a vacation for us was the first time he visited, he did not meet my daughter in this visit either. But every other time, I didn't have my daughter go off on vacation with someone to spend time with my husband, I made sure he experienced what it was like to live with me, taking my daughter to school, her dad's house, therapy appointments, etc. I think having him experience what real life is here really helped the transition. He knew what he was getting into well before moving here, and when he got here, it was as if he had always been here.

[karice 29]

Long distance sucks. I'm in a very similar situation. If you want to chat, feel free to message me. 

 

Ive found that there are ebbs and flows of emotions from both of us. Times that we are really happy, really sad, etc. A huge part was finding different ways to let the other know that we care despite what we are going through. Talk to him, be honest about what you feel, but at the same time understand that you guys haven't been together and don't know each other a thousand percent, so he could be feeling something you may not understand. 

[yuna628 9,920]

5 hours ago, Annalo said:

So I know this isn't a site to get relationship advice...but I really feel that I need to speak with people going through the same situation. Don't know anyone in a ldr relationship. Fiance was approved 4 weeks ago and we both are excited and relieved it is done! We have been together for 3 years. He has visited 5 times and I've gone there once. It's been a lot of time, money and commitment on both ends. 

 

Things have been a little rocky though latley. Our relationship has always been an amazing one and I always felt I could talk with him. Now he is always busy and is even making up excuses, changing the time when he should come. I try to be understanding but it's also hard. I know he's leaving everything behind.. But I'd also like to know when he's coming and arrange things. 

 

I just feel a huge lack of effort on his part and communication is key when you're in a long distance relationship. I have talked to him about all of this but it usually ends up in an argument. It's scary because we are supposed to live together and get married? 

 

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation maybe? Does it just get harder before you close the distance? I love him and because of that I want him happy. I wouldn't want him giving up everything if it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm just feeling rather down about it recently. 

Long distance can be difficult on some couples. Well, it's hard on most anyone, but for some it can hit harder than others. That being said, you have been approved. If your fiancé has their visa, shouldn't this be a happy time to look forward to you both being together finally? Making plans etc? If that's not currently happening, I must say with all kindness, this is something you're both going to have to work out together. Can you pinpoint what the problem is? Why hasn't your fiancé come to the US already? You need to determine if your fiancé is really serious and committed to this relationship and start making plans. The visa issuance is only good for so long.

 

Yes, leaving everything behind can be very difficult. And no doubt there will also be an adjustment period. We did the long distance thing for many many years, and while he became very used to life in the USA through visits over the years, it's just not the same as living here forever. So even in those that are used to life here, it can give moments of worry, frustration, and sadness. From your post, I cannot determine the nature or cause of the eventual argument. There has to be a full commitment from both of you to make this thing work.

[wheresmykoala 52]

I think that everyone handles change differently, and often in a way that may not come off as intended to those around them. It's possible IMO, that he could be getting cold feet because now that things are official! It could just be a lot for him to take in with leaving home, getting married, starting a new life, etc. and he just isn't handling it in a way you understand. Regardless of how much it is to take in on his end, he should still be willing to acknowledge your feelings and listen to you, rather than argue in defense. 

 

When we first started our visa process, my fiancé was overwhelmed with the negatives rather than the positives, such as leaving her grandparents (who she is very close with) behind, along with friends, family- her entire life! Totally understandable! Still, she handled it in a way that made me question if she wanted to do this or be with me- her sudden lack of interest in the process made me think she was regretting it or doubting our relationship! The difference here, is she listened to me when I expressed how I was feeling. She hadn't realized how I was interpreting her behavior, because sure, she was upset, but she really wanted to do this for us! Now that we're close to her interview, our emotions have swapped! I've gotten cold feet merely because I've realized how close the future is- marriage, job adjustments, living together, making sure she is happy and at home here, etc. It's all a bit scary considering all the major changes! I have no doubt in mind that she is the one I want to be with and am still beyond excited to start our lives together, but the change still makes me nervous, whereas she's been amped up since our case approval without any nerves, now asking how I'm handling the process and telling me about the process over there! Point being, emotions flip throughout the process, but what shouldn't change is the fact you both want to be together more than anything!

 

The future can seem scary, because change is scary. What should overpower this is the excitement of knowing you'll get to finally be together and get to start a life with someone you love! He's giving up his life abroad, but as my fiancé and I have said to one another, there is no one else in the world we would ever do this for- and regardless of how we've felt throughout the process, or the highs and lows of any relationship in general, this has continued to ring true - make sure you're both still in this because you love one another unconditionally and can't wait to be together- the nerves and change will pass, but the love shouldn't! Next time you talk, ask him if your feelings are important to him- and let him know how you're feeling. Ask how he's feeling about things! How he responds to you is important- if he still refuses to listen, you won't be able to move forward. He could just need more space to think and be alone for the time being, before he can open up or say how he's doing, hence him pulling away or wanting to delay P.O.E. Make sure you're both on the same page and moving at a rate that is comfortable to the two of you. Don't force things to move forward if they don't feel right. If he needs more time in the U.K to handle the move, so be it - he still needs to communicate and be courteous of you, despite whatever is going on in his head- it's not just him he should be thinking about, it's the two of you. Also, try not to get discouraged. Being in an LDR, or any relationship, isn't always rainbows and sunshine. A lot of arguments start because of communication issues- we misunderstand what our S/O is trying to tell us or do. Once he is able to listen and open up, you can both start moving forward. Do what feels right in your gut and remember you're not alone  

 

[Annalo 1]

5 hours ago, Ash.1101 said:

Agree'd. If missing you doesn't kick him into getting his stuff done and plan out how to get there to be with you then nothing will.

Sometimes people are more okay with LDR's than they are actual same place relationships, once there is no way to stop ya'll from being together, the person who maybe enjoyed the being apart starts freaking out because there is no more excuses. The inevitability of "Oh yes, I'm actually going to move countries and marry this woman" starts to kick in and that can scare some people pretty badly. Not only are you moving countries but you're already marrying someone, it's a case for double cold feet.

I know some people take it almost as a vacation when they visit their loved ones, they plan out lavish events or go out and do things they wouldn't normally do as a married couple outside their honeymoon or an every so often big kind of date night.

One of the things we made sure to do while dating, was to make sure that when he visited my life over here didn't change. The ONLY time my husband visited that we treated it like a vacation for us was the first time he visited, he did not meet my daughter in this visit either. But every other time, I didn't have my daughter go off on vacation with someone to spend time with my husband, I made sure he experienced what it was like to live with me, taking my daughter to school, her dad's house, therapy appointments, etc. I think having him experience what real life is here really helped the transition. He knew what he was getting into well before moving here, and when he got here, it was as if he had always been here.

I don't want to play games though. I just feel like I'm an adult and ignoring him or not giving him attention (to see how he reacts) wouldn't be good for me or him. It's so easy to play mind games through a phone. 

 

My fiance is older than me, has never been married, has no children, has lived in the same house his entire life and never left the country before visiting me. So I want to think this is cold feel but I don't know. I would hate to have all the heartache we've experienced be for nothing. Its also hard to talk to him about it recently because it ends in an argument. I get emotional and he thinks I'm demanding.

 

We did go on many amazing vacations and I am a bit worried about that too. Actually living together. And I'm not here to put him down, he's a great guy and I would do anything for him.. Things have just been hard and it's not one person's fault.

 

I know nobody will have answers for me on what I should do. Mayne I just needed to complain about the long distance and for others to hear about how it sucks sometimes (and actually understand that feeling). 

[Annalo 1]

2 hours ago, yuna628 said:

Long distance can be difficult on some couples. Well, it's hard on most anyone, but for some it can hit harder than others. That being said, you have been approved. If your fiancé has their visa, shouldn't this be a happy time to look forward to you both being together finally? Making plans etc? If that's not currently happening, I must say with all kindness, this is something you're both going to have to work out together. Can you pinpoint what the problem is? Why hasn't your fiancé come to the US already? You need to determine if your fiancé is really serious and committed to this relationship and start making plans. The visa issuance is only good for so long.

 

Yes, leaving everything behind can be very difficult. And no doubt there will also be an adjustment period. We did the long distance thing for many many years, and while he became very used to life in the USA through visits over the years, it's just not the same as living here forever. So even in those that are used to life here, it can give moments of worry, frustration, and sadness. From your post, I cannot determine the nature or cause of the eventual argument. There has to be a full commitment from both of you to make this thing work.

Yes it should be all sunflowers and roses now that the visas been approved! Ha.

 

He has made a lot of plans like selling a lot of his stuff. I know that has not been easy for him. The problem could be that I've just been emotional latley and not understanding. I'm not really sure exactly. Maybe his lack of communication recently and then doubts about getting the ticket contribute to us arguing. 

 

[Jawaree 719]

LDR can be rough & it multiplies when there are kids, marriage & uscis stress.

a few yrs ago I learn first hand how emotional it could be even though my

spouse was in the travel industry & flying to me/kids wkly hour & twenty

minutes away, I kept sane by those wkly layovers & my 2 youngest

who was with me , lasting almost 4 yrs but with prayers trust communication

& at times just not even thinking then about a process that was touch

& go regarding discretion as a former LPR then.

 

God was merciful & we acted as if it was us against them , continue to

hold firm to your relationship ,dont despair. Immigation can take a toll

on a relationship....stay blessed

[USC1961 251]

1 hour ago, Annalo said:

I don't want to play games though. I just feel like I'm an adult and ignoring him or not giving him attention (to see how he reacts) wouldn't be good for me or him. It's so easy to play mind games through a phone. 

Perhaps you missed the point that Ash.1011 was trying to make.  I don't think the suggestion was to play games.  Rather to give your fiance some space and not suffocate him because you really want him to move asap.  Everyone deals with major life changes differently.  It seems like you want to wrap this chapter up asap.  On the other hand your fiance wants to take his time to contemplate the situation and tie up loose ends.

 

Quote

 

My fiance is older than me, has never been married, has no children, has lived in the same house his entire life and never left the country before visiting me. So I want to think this is cold feel but I don't know. I would hate to have all the heartache we've experienced be for nothing. Its also hard to talk to him about it recently because it ends in an argument. I get emotional and he thinks I'm demanding.

It's totally understandable that you want things to move more quickly.  The whole process is drawn out and stressful.   But it sounds like you may not be paying attention to your fiances needs.  He is leaving his whole life behind to be with you.  This is not an easy thing to do.  Giving him extra time so he can take care of unfinished business seems reasonable given the fact you two will have all the time in the world to be together after he moves.  Take a step back and try to get a sense of where he is coming from.  From his point of view it probably sounds like you are trying to be his mom.  What he really needs is understanding and support from a future spouse.  

 

Good luck!  This is your first big challenge and it sounds like you will be able to work through this.  When you do you will be much closer to each other.        

 

 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2017 by Cruise77

[R and KJ 180]

16 hours ago, Annalo said:

So I know this isn't a site to get relationship advice...but I really feel that I need to speak with people going through the same situation. Don't know anyone in a ldr relationship. Fiance was approved 4 weeks ago and we both are excited and relieved it is done! We have been together for 3 years. He has visited 5 times and I've gone there once. It's been a lot of time, money and commitment on both ends. 

 

Things have been a little rocky though latley. Our relationship has always been an amazing one and I always felt I could talk with him. Now he is always busy and is even making up excuses, changing the time when he should come. I try to be understanding but it's also hard. I know he's leaving everything behind.. But I'd also like to know when he's coming and arrange things. 

 

I just feel a huge lack of effort on his part and communication is key when you're in a long distance relationship. I have talked to him about all of this but it usually ends up in an argument. It's scary because we are supposed to live together and get married? 

 

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation maybe? Does it just get harder before you close the distance? I love him and because of that I want him happy. I wouldn't want him giving up everything if it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm just feeling rather down about it recently. 

LDR is really really hard, there were times, you'd  breakdown just because you are missing him,

time differences, important events that you missed, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. 

 

 

While we are busy with our everyday lives, chores, work for a living, and at the same time this whole process, we sometimes feel so exhausted,  helpless and emotional 

 

And at some point, we didn't see or noticed things he does for us, because we are busy comforting ourselves with the loneliness, that we forgot that they are also dealing with the same sacrifices, or perhaps more than what we are experiencing (again, for some) 

do remember that. 

 

Give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he has problem at work, or at his country, you may ask if there is some thing you could do to help him. Or maybe, he is doing stuffs he needs to finish before leaving the country to be with you. 

 

You may, try again to talk to him in a very calm way and try to patch things up.

Remember the reason on why you guys goes through this longgg process... is because you guys lvoe each other and you'd do everything to spend the rest of your lives together. 

 

I hope you guys could talk through this , Cheer up  

 

good Luck and take care

[Ash.1101 1,757]

7 hours ago, Cruise77 said:

Perhaps you missed the point that Ash.1011 was trying to make.  I don't think the suggestion was to play games.  Rather to give your fiance some space and not suffocate him because you really want him to move asap.  Everyone deals with major life changes differently.  It seems like you want to wrap this chapter up asap.  On the other hand your fiance wants to take his time to contemplate the situation and tie up loose ends.

 

It's totally understandable that you want things to move more quickly.  The whole process is drawn out and stressful.   But it sounds like you may not be paying attention to your fiances needs.  He is leaving his whole life behind to be with you.  This is not an easy thing to do.  Giving him extra time so he can take care of unfinished business seems reasonable given the fact you two will have all the time in the world to be together after he moves.  Take a step back and try to get a sense of where he is coming from.  From his point of view it probably sounds like you are trying to be his mom.  What he really needs is understanding and support from a future spouse.  

 

Good luck!  This is your first big challenge and it sounds like you will be able to work through this.  When you do you will be much closer to each other.        

 

 

 

 

Yep.

Give him space, because if he has space then he SHOULD miss you. You'll just be doing the opposite of what you're doing now, which is constantly try to find out when he'll be here. I get that. I think I bugged my husband for a week before he went ahead and got his tickets, but at the same time he didn't have any reason not too. All he had to do was put in his 2 weeks notice at work and make a flight date from there. And at the same time, I'm normally someone who bugs someone about something, so if I stop bugging him, he knows somethings wrong and usually gets into gear lol.

What are the reasons or excuses that your fiance is giving you as to why he's pushing it back? If it's something like he needs to finish paying bills, finish up something at work, change addresses or see family members before he leaves, that's fine. If it's something like, well he's just really tired right now and doesn't feel like doing it, but never really feels like doing it, then ya that's a problem.


At the end of the day, you can't MAKE him come here. You may need to remind him of that. If he wants to move, and he has the money and ability to buy a plane ticket, then it's all on him. He's the trigger for these final steps. Sometimes that last step of actually doing all of this is the hardest.

Edited February 26, 2017 by Ash.1101

[MsCompE 50]

21 hours ago, Annalo said:

Things have been a little rocky though latley. Our relationship has always been an amazing one and I always felt I could talk with him. Now he is always busy and is even making up excuses, changing the time when he should come. I try to be understanding but it's also hard. I know he's leaving everything behind.. But I'd also like to know when he's coming and arrange things. 

 

I very much understood your fiance on this part. After my visa was approved, I too started communicating less to my fiance which I am VERY much grateful he understood me that time. I didn't intentionally do it. I was in the process of leaving the world and life I have known. Moving is huge thing. I was very much occupied in my last months in Philippines. I have to wrap up the life i had there. I have to get all documents. I have to wrap up and resign from work. I have to say goodbye to friends and family. I got a little time life to spend for them and it will take a long time to see them again.

 

I got my visa Sept. I came over to U.S. December. I spent 3months to wrap up my life there to move with my husband. But I feel like I was out of time. There are still so many things I wish I could have done.