Unexpected situation

[kkk1 42]

Take up the job. I known somebody call me rude or heartless person. If you are the one who provides majority of income in your house, then you do not need to listen to her decisions. Take your own decisions. You worked so hard to reach to this position where your bosses care about you. She is trying to manupulate you. She will agrees to it. In other way you are doing something good for your family as well. If you have more fund then you can support your family in a better way. She has to understand and need to be supportive. She should be happy about your such progress and not be selfish and one directional and controling. 

 

Sorry to say, I am not generalizing but women who knows how to manipulate their husband they have best weapon and they will freak you out to death by saying "I will divorce you".  Sorry but that's not sign of healthy relationship where you loose your respect. Try to talk to her again and if something happens in future you know whose fault is it. You are trying to do good for everyone. Good luck bro... 

 

 

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

37 minutes ago, kkk1 said:

Take up the job. I known somebody call me rude or heartless person. If you are the one who provides majority of income in your house, then you do not need to listen to her decisions. Take your own decisions. You worked so hard to reach to this position where your bosses care about you. She is trying to manupulate you. She will agrees to it. In other way you are doing something good for your family as well. If you have more fund then you can support your family in a better way. She has to understand and need to be supportive. She should be happy about your such progress and not be selfish and one directional and controling. 

 

Sorry to say, I am not generalizing but women who knows how to manipulate their husband they have best weapon and they will freak you out to death by saying "I will divorce you".  Sorry but that's not sign of healthy relationship where you loose your respect. Try to talk to her again and if something happens in future you know whose fault is it. You are trying to do good for everyone. Good luck bro... 

 

 

 

That is not the way we roll here in the US, you make decisions together as a couple, you discuss it and reach a compromise.
It does not matter who makes more money, money does not equal sole decision power.
We have not heard all of her reasons of why she does not agree with it other than the children issue. It is their decision.

[Bostorican 17]

1 minute ago, Ebunoluwa said:

 

That is not the way we roll here in the US, you make decisions together as a couple, you discuss it and reach a compromise.
It does not matter who makes more money, money does not equal sole decision power.
We have not heard all of her reasons of why she does not agree with it other than the children issue. It is their decision.

Ok i agree but a negotiation between does not start with "if you take the job I will Divorce you"  isnt that like an unwarranted escalation of negotiations

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

3 minutes ago, Bostorican said:

Ok i agree but a negotiation between does not start with "if you take the job I will Divorce you"  isnt that like an unwarranted escalation of negotiations

Yes, of course I agree.

[Lemonslice 4,557]

OP's profile says Boston - employement situation is great in Boston right now... so not impossible to commute until he finds something closer to home.   Good luck - hope your wife and yourself will be able to discuss about it all. 

[kkk1 42]

45 minutes ago, Bostorican said:

Ok i agree but a negotiation between does not start with "if you take the job I will Divorce you"  isnt that like an unwarranted escalation of negotiations

That's what my point was. Thanks for clearing it. It doesn't matter it is America or Russia, negotiation is the worst if it is between couples. He did tried to explain her and put his thoughts. I am not giving damn about who makes what, neither I am sexiest. But it seems that he is being responsible enough and he wish his growth along with family. He wouldn't be here for our advice if he would be selfish. He could have just moved forward with the job. That's the irrelevant stress. 

[Hurt_Wife 3]

On 1/21/2017 at 1:38 PM, wheresmykoala said:

I'll add my two cents in just incase it helps you out in making a decision. I've seen a lot of good posts on this forum about your situation, and I understand why it is such a difficult choice to make.

 

The one thing that REALLY stands out to me is the fact that your wife was so ready to use divorce as an ultimatum against you if you take this job, without even giving your needs any thought. I understand she is stuck in that radius due to her ex with the kids, so she cannot move with you (if you decided to move to VT). However, I think it's really ridiculous that she - the person who doesn't have to drive 3 hours to work and back, and who would still get to see you home at night as if you were working nearby - instantly refuses to let you work a job that you are clearly proud of and passionate for. I think it's rude for her to respond to you with-  "McDonald's is always hiring!" 

 

It's unfair for her to belittle your accomplishments and have you settle for a minimum wage job just because she doesn't want you commuting a few extra hours to work. I think the commute would get very tiring after a while though- I commute an hour and a half 3-4x a week there and back, and it gets exhausting. I've seen people post alternatives, such as staying at a hotel, or renting an apartment. 

 

What it comes down to is your wife needs to listen to your needs, just as much as you are listening to hers. It is totally unfair if she expects you to be unhappy, (i.e. working McDonalds/Dunkin Donuts) just so as she can have her way. I don't understand why she is so opposed to your lengthy commute? You both need to meet in the middle, which she is not doing for you. You can always look for jobs nearby since you have the qualifications, however, I think it's important to talk with your wife about why she was so ready to throw divorce in your face over work. I understand family is very important, but as a family they should be celebrating your accomplishments and looking for a way to make it work, rather than making it an issue that could lead to divorce. I would really discuss this with your wife, because it seems like a great job that would really support everyone, and make you happy. It is unfair for either side to be miserable, and I can tell that if you don't take the job, you will be unhappy working at the alternatives your wife has given you. Good luck and I hope you are able to reach a fair agreement between the two of you!

 

1 hour ago, kkk1 said:

That's what my point was. Thanks for clearing it. It doesn't matter it is America or Russia, negotiation is the worst if it is between couples. He did tried to explain her and put his thoughts. I am not giving damn about who makes what, neither I am sexiest. But it seems that he is being responsible enough and he wish his growth along with family. He wouldn't be here for our advice if he would be selfish. He could have just moved forward with the job. That's the irrelevant stress. 

 

 

On 1/21/2017 at 9:26 AM, amul said:

This exactly! 

When my husband comes and starts working, we might run into the same issue and we will sit and discuss everything and find a middle ground. I can't be happy when he is unhappy and vise versa. I am not sure why she would use the word divorce so quickly. 

 

I understand your predicament -- finding and moving up in a career is important for many of us. It might not define us wholly, but is one of the building blocks of how we feel about our lives, not to mention how well we are able to live financially. Standing in one's way of happiness might have an immediate "I got what I want" kind of reward, but the aftermath is detrimental for all parties. Resentment has a silent way of working its magic and once it starts it can wreck havoc on all partnerships, including marriages.

 

I am for you considering this job opportunity. I would and I also would be behind my husband should we be in the same predicament. 

 

Best of luck to you...

 

 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, kkk1 said:

That's what my point was. Thanks for clearing it. It doesn't matter it is America or Russia, negotiation is the worst if it is between couples. He did tried to explain her and put his thoughts. I am not giving damn about who makes what, neither I am sexiest. But it seems that he is being responsible enough and he wish his growth along with family. He wouldn't be here for our advice if he would be selfish. He could have just moved forward with the job. That's the irrelevant stress. 

 

 

2 hours ago, Bostorican said:

Ok i agree but a negotiation between does not start with "if you take the job I will Divorce you"  isnt that like an unwarranted escalation of negotiations

 

 

On 1/20/2017 at 9:57 PM, Ebunoluwa said:

Sounds like a tough situation to be in.

What exactly is her objection to your 3 hour daily commute ?

Six hour driving everyday is a lot, would you do that daily ?
I would not agree to a weekend marriage either if you were thinking of only coming home on weekends.

She petitioned you here to be together not live apart.

Search companies in your area closer to home, sounds like you have a great resume and experience, there should be

some good jobs a bit closer, maybe within an hour's drive radius that you can compromise on.

I understand why she can't move due to the restrictions with the joint custody, her kids are more important than

you making more money and that is as it should be.

Perhaps you can go to a marriage counselor who can mediate a compromise.

 

 

On 1/20/2017 at 7:15 PM, databit said:

Would she consider a compromise, like you living in a small apartment or long-term hotel Monday through Friday and then going home to her every weekend and holiday? 

 

If her ex is paying child support, maybe try reminding her that could stop at anytime for any reason, and your having a minimum-wage job could not support her and the kids.

 

 

On 1/21/2017 at 0:04 AM, Jawaree said:

I would go with the job, since its 3 hrs commute Mon morning, , back home Tues nite, commute Wed morn,& then

Fri go home, if she has your back as a partner she'll understand you staying in a motel M,W,TH evenings of the week

to give the family a better life, she could take a trip at times to come chill with you.I think shes selfish. OP is it

that you have not yet finish in the process of obtaining a GC & she is being manupulative.Take the job & commute

 

On 1/21/2017 at 0:04 AM, Jawaree said:

I would go with the job, since its 3 hrs commute Mon morning, , back home Tues nite, commute Wed morn,& then

Fri go home, if she has your back as a partner she'll understand you staying in a motel M,W,TH evenings of the week

to give the family a better life, she could take a trip at times to come chill with you.I think shes selfish. OP is it

that you have not yet finish in the process of obtaining a GC & she is being manupulative.Take the job & commute

I am his wife. Just so you are aware I use the word divorce because my. Husband has been unfaithful and lied to me as he lied on this board. Not once did I ever say he could work at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts. Nor did I ever say we could state assistance. I have helped him with his resume making it and in every way to get here and while he is here. Our marriage has been hard with cultural differences as well as age. This is not the only job in the world and I am in a position where I can't move and I also do not feel comfortable at all with him saying there for the week and coming home on the weekend where he has been unfaithful. There is trust issues and everyone can say he should take the job easily but you don't know the whole story. 

[wheresmykoala 52]

20 minutes ago, Hurt_Wife said:

I am the wife and found this post. Just so you are aware I use the word divorce because my. Husband has been unfaithful and lied to me as he lied on this board. Not once did I ever say he could work at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts. Nor did I ever say we could state assistance. I have helped him with his resume making it and in every way to get here and while he is here. Our marriage has been hard with cultural differences as well as age. This is not the only job in the world and I am in a position where I can't move and I also do not feel comfortable at all with him saying there for the week and coming home on the weekend where he has been unfaithful. There is trust issues and everyone can say he should take the job easily but you don't know the whole story. 

Hi, if this really is his wife, I appreciate you responding. Yes we didn't know the full story, but on these forums people are typically genuine when asking other users for help in tough situations, so I, like many other users, take posts seriously and do my best to help with the information provided. Many users on here have been in similar situations as to what your husband posted about, where they felt trapped with their S/O due to job, family, etc, so I'm inclined to trust the users who take the time to post a lengthy topic and try to help them.

 

It's completely understandable why you would not be comfortable with him commuting if he has been lying and unfaithful towards you in the past. I think anyone would agree that with trust issues and past instances of lying and cheating, this sounds like more opportunity to do the same. Hopefully these issues can be solved between the two of you, because being with someone you cannot trust is nearly impossible as trust is a major part of being in a relationship. Do not worry about all the posters telling him to take the job on the thread, as this is advice based on his perspective of this situation, without the details you have mentioned above. Had users known this, we could understand why you would be so against it. Regardless of who did what, this is obviously not a good situation for either husband or wife, and I really hope you are both able to work something out.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

11 hours ago, Hurt_Wife said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am his wife. Just so you are aware I use the word divorce because my. Husband has been unfaithful and lied to me as he lied on this board. Not once did I ever say he could work at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts. Nor did I ever say we could state assistance. I have helped him with his resume making it and in every way to get here and while he is here. Our marriage has been hard with cultural differences as well as age. This is not the only job in the world and I am in a position where I can't move and I also do not feel comfortable at all with him saying there for the week and coming home on the weekend where he has been unfaithful. There is trust issues and everyone can say he should take the job easily but you don't know the whole story. 

 

 

 

A weekend- only- marriage that is already eroded by his unfaithfulness and lies would be falling apart in no time.
I agree with you 100%.
He needs to build trust and it seems to not be the right time to talk about moving.
I would not want to uproot my life with someone who is unstable in regards to being unfaithful but would have filed for
divorce. Since you have reconciled I would definitely take a wait and see approach and stay put and see how his priorities
evolve in the near future. Boston is a big city, there is bound to be something suitable for him, he just has to make an effort
to look around and put your marriage on top of his list. He messed up and now he needs to fix it or bear the consequences.
This goes way beyond ' I'm sorry' and being back to normal within months is not realistic, 15 minutes of unfaithfulness can take
years to fix. Trust is shattered very quickly and takes a lot of time to re build.
 

[amul 229]

10 hours ago, Hurt_Wife said:

I am his wife. Just so you are aware I use the word divorce because my. Husband has been unfaithful and lied to me as he lied on this board. Not once did I ever say he could work at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts. Nor did I ever say we could state assistance. I have helped him with his resume making it and in every way to get here and while he is here. Our marriage has been hard with cultural differences as well as age. This is not the only job in the world and I am in a position where I can't move and I also do not feel comfortable at all with him saying there for the week and coming home on the weekend where he has been unfaithful. There is trust issues and everyone can say he should take the job easily but you don't know the whole story. 

I tend to stay clear from "he said, she said" conversations, especially online -- so I will bow out of this thread.

 

Wishing you and your family all the best. I truly hope that you can work on your togetherness, which many of us on VJ dream of and are working (or have worked) very hard to achieve.

[TBoneTX 43,066]

36 minutes ago, Damara said:

answers are not going to be found on a public forum [...] any solution is not going to be found on VJ to their issues.

Per the above reasoning, this thread is now closed to further comments.  Do not restart this thread.  Good luck to the couple involved.