Pinay wife doesn't want to help pay bills

[Lee&Ana 88]

I view marriage as a partnership and all assets are shared. My wife and I have joint accounts that we deposit to and spend from. It was a little rocky at first since both of us were spending and I was only used to just me spending, but we solved that with a budget. Now we use software called YNAB to track income, expenses, and our budget. If one of us needs to spend beyond our personal monthly allowance we have a talk to see where that money will come from (savings, or another budget category). It's not perfect and sometimes we spend too much without that talk, but we are working on getting better at that. It lifted a lot of the burden from me of keeping track of our joint finances and eliminated the need for her to ask me if she could buy something (I didn't like that question).

My wife had a lot of things to learn when she got here. Driving was one of those things and one of the biggest nightmares for me. It was nearly 2 years of me driving her to and from work making my commute 1 hour instead of 10 mins. We spent a lot of money on driving school and I came close to many heart attacks, but I'm happy to report that she passed the test a few months ago and landed a new job that pays pretty well and she loves. I've made it a point to help and teach my wife the things she may not have known from her life in PH. I provided support and encourage she needed in tough times, like when she was trying to get a new job and was not having any luck and when she didn't pass the driver's license exam. So, to me the couple years of discomfort were worth it.

I recommend the book, The Obstacle Is the Way, for anyone that is facing obstacles or trails (so everyone) to get a different perspective on facing life challenges and why they are actually good! Marrying someone from a different culture is not an easy thing and I know my wife and I still have a long road ahead.

Props to you sir! You are a much more patient man than me, especially with the long commute. I have been very patient with my wife. My question to you is that through all that sacrifice and struggle, was your wife appreciative and did she show you gratitude? Mine has zero appreciation and has ATTITUDE instead of gratitude. I get the Tampo, sulking and laying in bed for 3 days at a time treatment.

[Dustin and Janen 86]

Props to you sir! You are a much more patient man than me, especially with the long commute. I have been very patient with my wife. My question to you is that through all that sacrifice and struggle, was your wife appreciative and did she show you gratitude? Mine has zero appreciation and has ATTITUDE instead of gratitude. I get the Tampo, sulking and laying in bed for 3 days at a time treatment.

There have been many times that she didn't show gratitude and even had attitude with me. When I had those feelings I would just try to tell myself that I don't do things for my wife for gratitude, but instead because I love her. We have to have an understanding of how hard it is on them. Sure things here are likely much better than things were back home in PH, but it still takes time to learn and adjust. We diminish these differences because we view life here as better, so why should it be hard to adjust to. But in reality it is still hard to adjust. Leaving your family, friends, and country behind is not easy for anyone. Some people are able to adjust quicker or better than others. Lifestyle maybe easier here but life is overall more complex here.

If the script was flipped and you were placed in a remote village where everyone spoke a different language (I know our wives know English but it's not their native language), did task you were not used to like daily hunting (for survival not sport) for example, the adjustment would be difficult for most. I just use that example to try to point out potential vast differences.

I've mostly solved (or helped) the "tampo" and sulking issue by showing compassion and love when she acts like that. At times we all feel down an upset about something... just or unjust the feelings are real. Sometimes all we need is someone to not try to prove to us we are wrong and just show compassion for our current feelings. We did pre-marriage counseling when she arrived on the K-1 before we got married. One of the assignments was to read the book "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I really feel like this helped us out a lot and one of the things we use from that book is the policy of never going to sleep mad at each other - it's hard some times, but worth it to try.

My suggestions are don't try to change your wife, but change yourself. At the end of the day the only control we have is over ourselves.

Don't do things for others (wife or otherwise) and expect anything in return - you will be disappointed more often than not.

Have love and compassion for everyone. Especially those you think you should be upset with.

Let things go! If someone does something that upsets you, let it go. Forgive them and forget about it. In the grand scheme of things most of the ####### we get upset over doesn't really matter. So forgive your wife for her tampos, lack of gratitude, etc, etc. And hopefully she will forgive you for the things you have done (don't act like you are a saint none of us are we all do dumb things from time to time).

And from what you have posted I would highly recommend some counseling if you want to save the marriage. From your multiple post on this topic it is clear you are unhappy with your wife's actions and it sounds like the marriage is coming to an end when she goes back home.

Regardless of what happens show your wife the love and compassion she deserves as a human. Don't try to make her life more difficult over petty things.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

Props to you sir! You are a much more patient man than me, especially with the long commute. I have been very patient with my wife. My question to you is that through all that sacrifice and struggle, was your wife appreciative and did she show you gratitude? Mine has zero appreciation and has ATTITUDE instead of gratitude. I get the Tampo, sulking and laying in bed for 3 days at a time treatment.

That attitude was VERY common for my wife when she first got here to the USA, and we dated for almost 3 years before I brought here and we got married. She was just not used to some of the things going on here. We were in the middle of a custody battle for my two older children which we started right after we got married. The worst time I saw her with an attitude, just pissed off and sulking was when we were moving cross country from NC to CA a week after we got married. We had stopped for gas right on Texas/New Mexico border when my x-wife called asking about child support for the kids, my x and I got into this huge argument while I was getting gas and walking around the store. My now asawa got mad and thought that I was talking with my x about getting back together(buang). So pretty much all of the trip through New Mexico we were arguing with each other due to that.

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

My fiance is also very jealous of my xwife, i find it funny until i realize thatvfor her it is a very real jealousy, not a mood.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

There have been many times that she didn't show gratitude and even had attitude with me. When I had those feelings I would just try to tell myself that I don't do things for my wife for gratitude, but instead because I love her. We have to have an understanding of how hard it is on them. Sure things here are likely much better than things were back home in PH, but it still takes time to learn and adjust. We diminish these differences because we view life here as better, so why should it be hard to adjust to. But in reality it is still hard to adjust. Leaving your family, friends, and country behind is not easy for anyone. Some people are able to adjust quicker or better than others. Lifestyle maybe easier here but life is overall more complex here.

If the script was flipped and you were placed in a remote village where everyone spoke a different language (I know our wives know English but it's not their native language), did task you were not used to like daily hunting (for survival not sport) for example, the adjustment would be difficult for most. I just use that example to try to point out potential vast differences.

I've mostly solved (or helped) the "tampo" and sulking issue by showing compassion and love when she acts like that. At times we all feel down an upset about something... just or unjust the feelings are real. Sometimes all we need is someone to not try to prove to us we are wrong and just show compassion for our current feelings. We did pre-marriage counseling when she arrived on the K-1 before we got married. One of the assignments was to read the book "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I really feel like this helped us out a lot and one of the things we use from that book is the policy of never going to sleep mad at each other - it's hard some times, but worth it to try.

My suggestions are don't try to change your wife, but change yourself. At the end of the day the only control we have is over ourselves.

Don't do things for others (wife or otherwise) and expect anything in return - you will be disappointed more often than not.

Have love and compassion for everyone. Especially those you think you should be upset with.

Let things go! If someone does something that upsets you, let it go. Forgive them and forget about it. In the grand scheme of things most of the ####### we get upset over doesn't really matter. So forgive your wife for her tampos, lack of gratitude, etc, etc. And hopefully she will forgive you for the things you have done (don't act like you are a saint none of us are we all do dumb things from time to time).

And from what you have posted I would highly recommend some counseling if you want to save the marriage. From your multiple post on this topic it is clear you are unhappy with your wife's actions and it sounds like the marriage is coming to an end when she goes back home.

Regardless of what happens show your wife the love and compassion she deserves as a human. Don't try to make her life more difficult over petty things.

I firmly agree with this guy in regards to what he is saying and what I have read so far in this thread. I have helped the issue of my wife's tampo by helping her and showing compassion. Yes, we get into arguments and we have our spells where she does not want to talk to me, but hey that happens. I let her do that and cool off for a bit, then I come back with love bug. Marriage life is not easy at all, but you have to work at it.

Also from what I read on here about you trying to make her pay for everything, that to me does not sound fair at all and I can see why she would get mad. I taught my wife how to drive when she first got here. Yes, we did have times where we shouted at each other and she cried. But in the end she is now a really good driver and understands why I did that. But I NEVER EVER brought up the issue of money about her driving at all, even though I knew it would raise the premium of my insurance adding her and adding another car. I just accepted that fact and let it be. I pay for EVERYTHING because my wife does not work right now, but she does take care of our 2 year old and we have another one on the way. Yes, I would like her to work and contribute to the household. But as of right now we are living very comfortably off of only my salary and she takes care of the house.

If you want to save your marriage you need to sit down and talk to one another or just go in to counseling.

My fiance is also very jealous of my xwife, i find it funny until i realize thatvfor her it is a very real jealousy, not a mood.

Firmly agree with it as well. When in my mind I would NEVER EVER date/marry my x ever again. But in her mind it is a real possibility.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

That is fantastic that you paid for 1/2 of your immigration expenses. Sounds like a good partnership. That is a totally different story. My wife couldn't even pay for her luggage to come here.

When I was working overseas in Afghanistan I was literally paying for everything for my now wife then GF because I told her to stay home and not go back to work in Qatar as a Domestic Helper. So I gave her a stipend of $1500 a month for her to live off of in MIndanao. You know what she did with that money? She lived off of that money and saved it up to where she built a brand new kitchen tables/chairs, and cabinets for her dirt poor family. So when I was on vacation and I saw what she did, I was very pleased with it because I could see where my money went too.

Yes, my wife does like very nice things on occasion. She bought a nice pair of shoes for like 5000php one time when I was there and I paid for it. She had those shoes for 3+ years and wore them until they literally died on her. She knows how to be frugal when she needs to be.

The thing that I am saying is that sit your wife down and go over the house hold budget with her. Show her how she can help you out with it, and how it will help in the long run.

[Lee&Ana 88]

There have been many times that she didn't show gratitude and even had attitude with me. When I had those feelings I would just try to tell myself that I don't do things for my wife for gratitude, but instead because I love her. We have to have an understanding of how hard it is on them. Sure things here are likely much better than things were back home in PH, but it still takes time to learn and adjust. We diminish these differences because we view life here as better, so why should it be hard to adjust to. But in reality it is still hard to adjust. Leaving your family, friends, and country behind is not easy for anyone. Some people are able to adjust quicker or better than others. Lifestyle maybe easier here but life is overall more complex here.

If the script was flipped and you were placed in a remote village where everyone spoke a different language (I know our wives know English but it's not their native language), did task you were not used to like daily hunting (for survival not sport) for example, the adjustment would be difficult for most. I just use that example to try to point out potential vast differences.

I've mostly solved (or helped) the "tampo" and sulking issue by showing compassion and love when she acts like that. At times we all feel down an upset about something... just or unjust the feelings are real. Sometimes all we need is someone to not try to prove to us we are wrong and just show compassion for our current feelings. We did pre-marriage counseling when she arrived on the K-1 before we got married. One of the assignments was to read the book "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I really feel like this helped us out a lot and one of the things we use from that book is the policy of never going to sleep mad at each other - it's hard some times, but worth it to try.

My suggestions are don't try to change your wife, but change yourself. At the end of the day the only control we have is over ourselves.

Don't do things for others (wife or otherwise) and expect anything in return - you will be disappointed more often than not.

Have love and compassion for everyone. Especially those you think you should be upset with.

Let things go! If someone does something that upsets you, let it go. Forgive them and forget about it. In the grand scheme of things most of the ####### we get upset over doesn't really matter. So forgive your wife for her tampos, lack of gratitude, etc, etc. And hopefully she will forgive you for the things you have done (don't act like you are a saint none of us are we all do dumb things from time to time).

And from what you have posted I would highly recommend some counseling if you want to save the marriage. From your multiple post on this topic it is clear you are unhappy with your wife's actions and it sounds like the marriage is coming to an end when she goes back home.

Regardless of what happens show your wife the love and compassion she deserves as a human. Don't try to make her life more difficult over petty things.

If the script was flipped I would hold on to that person and make them feel fantastic. I wouldn't make them miserable to the point that I was questioning why I brought them there

[Lee&Ana 88]

When I was working overseas in Afghanistan I was literally paying for everything for my now wife then GF because I told her to stay home and not go back to work in Qatar as a Domestic Helper. So I gave her a stipend of $1500 a month for her to live off of in MIndanao. You know what she did with that money? She lived off of that money and saved it up to where she built a brand new kitchen tables/chairs, and cabinets for her dirt poor family. So when I was on vacation and I saw what she did, I was very pleased with it because I could see where my money went too.

Yes, my wife does like very nice things on occasion. She bought a nice pair of shoes for like 5000php one time when I was there and I paid for it. She had those shoes for 3+ years and wore them until they literally died on her. She knows how to be frugal when she needs to be.

The thing that I am saying is that sit your wife down and go over the house hold budget with her. Show her how she can help you out with it, and how it will help in the long run.

.

I guess you were a government contractor and they get paid way more than most people in the States. That being said, I have no idea what someone would spend $1500 a month on in the Philippines, much less in Mindanao. My wife didn't make in a year what you were sending to your fiancé in a month. I can think of a lot of things I can buy in a month for $1,500 and still have money left over.

I didn't make my wife pay for everything. I am "asking" her to contribute to our expenses. We don't have 3 children with one on the way that you do. But to expect to be driven to work and to not contribute is unacceptable. I feel as though I adopted a child from a 3rd world country as opposed to having a wife, partner and a friend which was the purpose of bringing my wife here.

[Lee&Ana 88]

My fiance is also very jealous of my xwife, i find it funny until i realize thatvfor her it is a very real jealousy, not a mood.

My wife became jealous of an email from an ex that I haven't seen in 10 years. She also got jealous because of pictures from 19 years ago. She actually burned them on the back patio.

Who has time for all these games? If I have to spend all my time trying to comfort a sulky, petulant child, how can I accomplish anything. This sort of behavior may be amusing or entertaining if you are in your 60's and retired but I am too young to waste my life with someone ungrateful that had nothing when I met them

Edited July 27, 2016 by Lee&Ana

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

My wife became jealous of an email from an ex that I haven't seen in 10 years. She also got jealous because of pictures from 19 years ago. She actually burned them on the back patio.

Who has time for all these games? If I have to spend all my time trying to comfort a sulky, petulant child, how can I accomplish anything. This sort of behavior may be amusing or entertaining if you are in your 60's and retired but I am too young to waste my life with someone ungrateful that had nothing when I met them

Therein lies your problem, you are too young to waste your time with your wife whom you consider a sulky petulant child, you expect gratitude, temper your expectations and resolve the issues or end it, it really is an either or situation

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

.

I guess you were a government contractor and they get paid way more than most people in the States. That being said, I have no idea what someone would spend $1500 a month on in the Philippines, much less in Mindanao. My wife didn't make in a year what you were sending to your fiancé in a month. I can think of a lot of things I can buy in a month for $1,500 and still have money left over.

I didn't make my wife pay for everything. I am "asking" her to contribute to our expenses. We don't have 3 children with one on the way that you do. But to expect to be driven to work and to not contribute is unacceptable. I feel as though I adopted a child from a 3rd world country as opposed to having a wife, partner and a friend which was the purpose of bringing my wife here.

Yes, I was a government contractor working for the Army while I was in Afghanistan. I gave my wife that a month because when I met her while I was working in Qatar, she was already a OFW working and making her own money of about $1k a month. So I told her after we met again in the Philippines that she could stay home there and we could work on us and the visa. During that time she wanted to work and make her own money but that would include working basically full time for about $75 a month in her province, and I said forget that. I never could possibly send that money to her now even if I was forced to because I am working/living here in the Los Angeles area now.

I agree with asking your wife to contribute is fine and maybe that's where I miss understood you. How old is your wife and how old are you if you don't mind me asking? I am 32, and my wife is 35. There have been many days where I felt like I was dealing with a teenager over some simple stuff early on, it has become less like that but it does happen occasionally. So I totally understand that part of it. My thing is that you might have come across wrong to her or brought it up the wrong way, and I will give you an example:

My wife brought it up to me one time that she wanted a separate car for since at the time we only had 1. So I told her that if we did that we would have to get on a serious budget. She took it the wrong way thinking that if we went on a serious budget that we wouldn't send anything to help her family in the Philippines. So she sulked for 2-3 days about the whole issue until she calmed the hell down and we actually talked about it.

You can PM me if you want to have a private conversation about it.

[minions2 24]

My partner (american) is so messy, one time i told myself i dont want to spend the rest of my life cleaning after his mess... But i told myself i didnt stayed with him so that he could be mister clean but because i loved him. He might be messy but he is sweet, loving, caring and one bad thing wouldn't erase all the good things about him. I calmly explained to him that our house would look nicer if its organized and no clutter. And he gradually changed, he cleans up after his mess now..

If i let my emotions cloud my judgement then we probably not together

[Ervie and Rob 34]

I am a Filipina and it seems to me that your wife happens to be the typical Filipina growing up with the culture that men do provide for everything. I dont know if she takes care of the household like cleaning laundry etc. you didn't mention that. so basically for her she was doing what she was suppose to and yes expect you to provide. If your wife came from a quite low income family back home she might be overwhelmed of what she is experiencing right now that you may think its about the money. I hope it isn't so I may say there are people motivated by such but not all. It is best to talk to her as far as what do you really have in mind about your finances as husbands and wife. Me and my husband did discuss money even before we get married, his stand is whats his is also mine and mine is just mine. But that doesn't stop me from paying bills I would like to pay though he never oblige me. I like monitoring his expenses hehehe well he trusted me enough to let me but he doesn't mind mine so I've learned to zip my mouth when he does his video games spree. I think communication is the key and about her vacation I am not even there I already lay down my longing to be home once in every 2 years so me and my husband already set up a travel savings plan. I hope you can actually talk to each other and be very open about the culture differences and needs of each one and be supportive. If you wont know how to communicate with each other then both of you are heading for disaster

[Lee&Ana 88]

I am a Filipina and it seems to me that your wife happens to be the typical Filipina growing up with the culture that men do provide for everything. I dont know if she takes care of the household like cleaning laundry etc. you didn't mention that. so basically for her she was doing what she was suppose to and yes expect you to provide. If your wife came from a quite low income family back home she might be overwhelmed of what she is experiencing right now that you may think its about the money. I hope it isn't so I may say there are people motivated by such but not all. It is best to talk to her as far as what do you really have in mind about your finances as husbands and wife. Me and my husband did discuss money even before we get married, his stand is whats his is also mine and mine is just mine. But that doesn't stop me from paying bills I would like to pay though he never oblige me. I like monitoring his expenses hehehe well he trusted me enough to let me but he doesn't mind mine so I've learned to zip my mouth when he does his video games spree. I think communication is the key and about her vacation I am not even there I already lay down my longing to be home once in every 2 years so me and my husband already set up a travel savings plan. I hope you can actually talk to each other and be very open about the culture differences and needs of each one and be supportive. If you wont know how to communicate with each other then both of you are heading for disaster

Before my wife started working, she cooked, cleaned, did the laundry etc. Now that she is working, she is only working and not doing anything else. I am doing everything myself and paying the bills. She is hoarding her money for her trip to the Philippines. On the surface it started as a "vacation", but lately she says she is not coming back. Her parents think she is being foolish. My wife doesn't communicate well and when she does it is usually negative. I think my wife had different expectations about the USA and she is seeing things for what they really are. Or she could be incredibly homesick and a trip home is in order.

When she originally came up with the idea for a "vacation", she said she wanted to go home with $5,000. I told her she was crazy. I told her the average American(not me) has $500 in savings and that she was being unrealistic in the amount of "spending" money she wants. I do not have any incentive to do anything for her, so I don't. Her line when she wanted me to pay for AOS and her work permit was "I want to help you with the bills and I feel useless". But it was all BS. Once she started working, she wanted to keep all the money she made for herself. In the 4-5 months that she has been working, she contributed about $350 towards our life together. I believe we should both contribute 1/2 of what each of us makes towards living expenses and the other 1/2 is for whatever each of us wants to do. All she cares about is the trip to the Philippines. I have given up trying to rationalize it and I feel as though her coming here was just a waste of time and money.

[Ervie and Rob 34]

I am sorry to hear that. But you two really need a lot of talking, looks like you don't have the same goals and expectations. Her saving $5000 I would assume she wanted to really spend and treat family which is in reality in the Philippines that is the case. Relatives expect you with tons of money when u are working abroad especially if you got married to a foreigner. Sadly this is the reality we live in the Philippines, people see $$$ when you are with a different nationality. Im working abroad for 8 yrs and each time I come home it never change people invite me out yet expect me to pay for the dinner or whatever. Do I pay? yes, but only to those I really love dearly I dont go out balling. So that $5000 oh it will go down the drain quick! would family and friends would know how hard she earn that, no. But she would be satisfied with the spending, why? we are brought up to always think of the family or other people's opinion. Have you actually took time get to know our culture like meeting her family and stayed a bit longer there?

You have to go back to the first time you decided to get married. Looks like now the focus is what you are not getting from her and probably that what she might be thinking as well. Unless you two would decide to sit and talk through whatever issue with each other in a very calm manner then you wont resolve anything. You are the man in the relationship, the leader of the family. 14 months being married I bet you haven't build much if you want a steady home just like any carpenter you are to start a good foundation first. You are just laying a foundation here, now if you two wont work together both of you will build a very weak home. Men and women already have differences then you add culture, its never easy. Faith is one thing as well, if you have the same faith then you have something you always go back to in resolving issues. I really hope and pray you two would find that love and understanding towards each other. After all as husband and wife you are one team playing the field not against each other.