Feeling Overwhelmed Today

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Hi guys... If you don't mind... I would like to whine just a little bit....

Today is the day that one year ago, we broke the news to my mom that she had cancer (yesterday was the day that one year ago we found out she had cancer). She lived one month... she died April 14th, 2005.

Just when I think that I am doing okay... feelings overwhelm me, I miss her soooooooooo dang much! I miss my habibi... I have not seen Jamal since February 27th of last year... and the whole visa process, settling my mom's burial and her estate has just been horrific. Yes, I hired an attorney to do our k1 visa... but the waiting is killing me...

I work 3 jobs... and I have a teen-aged son who more times than not is just terrific... but, these last couple of weeks, he is BLIND to the things that he could help do inside the home... and it is making me crazy!!! Last night, when I changed the password on the computer (because he did not clean up his room like I told him to do yesterday morning when I dropped him off at school), he was totally PISSED!!! So today when he gets home... he will find that i have taken the controls to his games... and his skateboard... and put them in the my truck. When he does his chores... he will receive his belongings back... but not before... He told me last night that I was mean and heartless... *sigh*... broke my heart for him to say that... but, I told him that he was a member of this family... and that he had to do his duty also... clean his room, wash dishes because i cook... fold the clothes from the dryer (because i wash them and put them in the dryer), and take the trash can to the road on friday mornings... and to clean the bathroom... the rest of the house-work, i do it... and work the 3 jobs... I told him I was not his maid... i was his mother... and he couldn't skate by anymore without doing his share of the chores...

Now this morning, I am feeling like a heel... and missing my mom... missing Jamal... I feel like i just want to run away and escape the whole world for a little while... just to BREATHE...

I was not rude exactly to one of my friends this morning... but basically i told her that i could not handle her drama today... she would have to find another Dear Abby... I had problems that I needed to focus on and I couldn't "heal" her anyways...

Now, what kind of friend does that?

Basically... I feel I am the Dear Abby to all of my friends... and I have talked to one of my dearest friends this morning - she actually called me because she remembered what today was... and i cried on her shoulder... and my sisters have all called me today... just "checking" in... my mom lived with me see... I was her sole care-giver...

I guess this rant is to say... I just want to hit something... I want my mom here... dang it I MISS HER!!! She was my very best friend!!! And, I feel I have not had ample time to grieve for her... I had to return to work the Monday after her funeral on Saturday last year... and I am missing my Jamal sooooooooooooo much... yes, it helps that we talk on the phone and messenger... but it just is NOT the same as live and in person... I'm tired of being the strong one for a while... i just want to be able to cry and vent...

Sorry for rambling on... but I am just feeling so many emotions today... and did not want to alienate any more family and friends here... so now it is ya'lls turn...

If you have read this far... sorry for being an ### today... and I know I should not feel sorry for myself about the k1 process... that there are others out there who have waited longer than me...

Okay... gonna stop now... maybe this has helped to clear my mind... haven't been able to be very productive this morning at work... *sigh*

Blessings to all,

Lynne

PS: I know... i am a whiney baby about my mom... I admit it... I AM A MAMA'S GIRL! Proud of it too!

[pax 1]

Awww, Lynne... *hugs*

You are NOT a heel, not at all, and especially not for asking your son to pull his weight around the house. Laundry, bathroom-cleaning, and washing dishes are not unreasonable things to ask of a teenager. Too many kids have their parents at their beck and call these days, and I think it's good for most kids to have more responsibility around the house.

Stay strong and be well.

[designermedusa 0]

Lynne, it sounds like things are very overwhelming right now. I know how hard it is to lose a loved one, and then with all these other things going on. I wish you all the best.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Thanks guys... I am just balling my eyeballs out at the moment... i can't stop crying... thank God I am in the office alone... and it is almost lunch time... *sigh*

your words of encouragement mean so much... yes, i know we are "internet" friends... but some days... a person needs all the friends he/she can get!

I try not to let Jamal see me upset... because he gets upset and he feels helpless since he is THERE and i am HERE... Inshallah, this will be over soon!

I wish you all the best also!

[almaty 19]

you are in my thoughts and prayers..i sending you some positive energy..dean

[munchkins 1]

Lynne, you have every right to feel the way you do and it is not surprising that you are feeling so totally down at the moment. So many hugs are going to you right now and I wish there was more we could do.

I know the hurt when your mom dies and it is so hard that my heart goes out to you for what you are going through

Your son will be suffering too I am sure, but kids tend to show it in so many ways and with being a boy it will be even harder, they "have to stay strong" you know.

It's easy to say it will get better, but it will, try to stay strong Lynne and when Jamal arrives you will have a strong shoulder to lean on.

My thoughts are with you Lynne,

[raymaga 25]

My heart goes out to you..... I lost my Mom last year too, and without the love and support from my husband, I probably would have "cracked". It is completely natural for you to remember all the anniversaries of events involving your Mom..... she was your Mom and your friend..... and you will miss her for the rest of your life. I miss my Mom very much too.

I can also relate to the "teenage" issues. My daughter came to live with us last September (on a K-2 Visa) and they are just so selfish that it makes me want to shake her. She keeps her room tidy, cleans her own bathroom, folds her own laundry..... but she doesn't offer to help with meals or the clean-up..... and I think that they should have the common sense to offer to help without being asked. Well, she's gone to Oregon now to look for a job and check out a few colleges there, and I really miss her now too.

Don't feel badly about the way you are feeling about all the issues going on in your life.... this whole immigration process is stressful enough, if that's all you had to deal with, but when you add the loss of your Mom and problems with teenagers, and missing your Sweetie.... you're entitled to your feelings.

Here's a hug (((((((( )))))))) to make you feel like someone understands!!!!!

Hope your day gets better!!!!!!

[Tiksman 1]

A big hug to you .. Today is not good for me to.

I can understand about your son mine acts the same way. Wants me to do everything for him while he lounges on the computer or plays the game.

[MaryandMian 1]

Big big HUGS, Lynne.

I will tell you we all have these days and we have to just lean on someone else to help boost our morale.

Hopefully the stresses of your teenage son will ease soon and Jamal and you will reunited. Just take it one day at a time and know you can always come and express your feelings on here. And in no way are you considered a heel. Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves.

Mary

[Mirorgate 0]

My heartfelt sympathies to you. I know the feelings.. they arent easy..

[Fuzzness 2]

Lynne, always know that you have friends here and that Karen and I (will be) are only a few hours away if you ever need to just get away you know where to find us. We have a tremendous amount of respect for you.

You are doing the right thing with your son. You are teaching him that his actions (or non actions) have consequences and that is doing him a huuuuuuuuuge favour for the future.

I really understand about Jamal. I miss Karen like crazy every day but I know we will soon be together for good.

And you know that I know what it's like to lose a parent.

((BIG HUGS))

Always remember, you rock!

[annelizabeth 1]

I think you sound like an absolutely wonderful mum! Is your son aware of the date? Make sure he knows why you might be a bit extra-scratchy just now, but having said that, I think it is only right that he should do his share around the house.

Here's another big hug to add to the rest.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Thanks guys... I can't express in words for you to really know how much you have touched my heart...

I am going to talk to Dev when he gets home... need to clear the air between us... and I also need to make sure that he understands that I need his help to do the small things... and to pull his weight at home...

also, my sisters and I have agreed to go to mom's grave today... and to get through this together...

the funny thing about my mom's illness and eventual death is that... my siblings and i were not always close... but, her death has brought us closer... life tends to get in the way sometimes... know what i mean? everyone gets busy with their own life... but, we have bonded so much during mom's cancer illness and her death... my brothers are drawn closer to us also... but, us girls have realllllllllly came together... so, that is a blessing... one among many...

Also, I will be tlaking to my baby soon... and that always helps!!! He is sooooooo grounded... and he tends to reel me in when I feel overwhelmed... God has surely smiled upon me... not just today... every day...

And, like my friend Billie Jo said... if I wasn't so good at the dear abby thing... well, they would all just be a mess... haha... but, it does feel kinda good to not have to DEAL today... i can just feel what i feel... think what i think... and move on... concentrate only on what gets me through the day... your hugs, warm words... and your online friendship means a lot... i know that we don't know each other in real life... but, i feel as if i know many of you so very well...

Joel... you and Karen mean so much ot me... I so much enjoyed my time with her this past Saturday... she is a treasure... and I can't wait for Jamal and you to get here... yay!!!

Again, thanks guys... I have surrounded myself with beautiful, loving people... and I am proud to know that you have responded... God bless you all!

*hugs you all*

Lynne

[Peggy 1]

HUGS...........

Sorry you are having a ruff day Lynne.

Just hang in there girl. This process will be over for you soon I pray. Its really hard being away from the one you love when you need a big hug or shoulder to cry on.

Missing your mom today must be so hard on you. I can only imagine how sad you must be Remember that she is with you always in your heart.

I have a teenage son who is 17, and my step daughter is 18. Neither one of them think they should do anything here to help. Kids get to much these days I think. Most of them are spoiled and have not a lot of respect for anyone but there friends. Teenagers think they know everything. They dont know ###### about whats ahead of them once they walk out the door into the real world.

Sending lots of hugs Lynne.

Edited March 15, 2006 by pink_roses

[TracyTN 237]

No one should ever slag you off or call you a 'whiner' for missing your mom. Of course you miss her! I can barely imagine being without my mom - thinking about it makes me almost cry - so I can only imagine how hard it is for you to have lost her.

I have concluded that, when it rains, it pours. It ALWAYS seems like I have waves and waves of drama - all at once - or none at all. Its times like what you are experiencing now that truly test our mettle.

Hang in there.