Feeling Overwhelmed Today

[MaryandMian 1]

Lynne, Sorry to hear that things got heated with your son yesterday evening. Just a thought maybe he is lashing out at you since he misses his grandmother too? I know my mom before she died treated me horribly and I was 17. The nurses told me that they lash out to the ones they are closet too. Maybe he is not able to tell you his feelings and that is why he reacted the way he did? I think you did the right thing and sent him to his dad for a cooling period. Maybe after a few days you both can sit down and discuss things and it not be so emotional. Your under a lot of stress and am sure he feels it too. Sending you a big hug and hang in there.

Mary

[annelizabeth 1]

aw honey, big hugs. You sounded swamped and overwhelmed.

It sounds like you need some you time, do something for yourself for a few hours - take a walk, a bath, go to a good movie, whatever makes ya smile and relax.

You gave the best advice possible to your friend, btw. You DON'T need her drama and you DO need her to take care of you for a change, that's what friends do - the give and take thing. And if she's not there for you, she ain't such a good friend.

As to your son, I think you're on the right track and him going off to his dad's for a few days will give you both time to breathe and give you time to figure out what to do with your changing relationship. You are dealing with a special relationship there. He lives with you and you aren't his maid. Think of him as a sort of room mate. He wants to be treated like an adult even if he doesn't act like one sometimes! A lot of teens are so focused on themselves they have no clue as to what's going on with others around them. He probably has no idea that you are feeling hurt about his behaviour, let alone all of the other difficulties you are dealing with.

Some suggestions - Get him to do his laundry and you do your own. Half the stress is trying to get him to help you! Well, save yourself some aggravation and stop bugging him. Offer to show him how to do his own laundry. You'll also teach him a valuable life skill! I did something similar with my son when he was about 16 and it was a huge weight off.

As for his room, close the bedroom door so you don't have to see it. It's his mess, and he ultimately has to clean up after himself. Again, cut your worries. He's going to be on his own eventually so again, let him figure out his own cleaning standards. They go through huge changes between 15 and 25, truly he'll get cleaner as he ages, he's got your standards burned in his brain, but other things are in the way right now. Make the rule that the rest of the house has to be kept clutter free and he can go crazy in his room. If he leaves stuff lying around in the living room, scoop it up and pack it away and once he misses stuff, you can have the talk. He'll get the message, and there's less confrontation.

If he won't do the dishes, stop cooking for him. Cook and clean up after yourself, and let him fend for himself. He can exhange food for cleaning up, or go without. Trust me, he WON'T starve.

As for the bathroom, I don't know if you'll ever win on that one. Give him a choice, like bathroom or garbage. Or if he does the garbage you'll do the bathroom. That way he'll feel like he's won that issue, and you don't have to do the garbage. If he doesn't do the garbage, then you won't do X for the next week. You get the idea. Your goal is to take the pressure off of you having to bug him to do stuff without you having to do the chores.

Hope things get better

Brilliant suggestions daisy. I used to be like that with my kids (especially the bit about allowing them to make whatever mess they liked in their own rooms). Although I do confess to not being consistent with the rules and letting them leave mess in the rest of the house until I eventually blew up again every now and again and reminded them of the bargain. And I have been known to put everything in a garbage bag and hide it in the garage!

Lynne, your son needs to cool off for a few days and I am sure that when he has had time to think things will be back to normal. Hang in there girl, it will all come right.

Hugs

[Dixie_Peach 1]

thanks guys for your kind words...

we will be transferring him to a school in the county where his dad lives... i think that it is a multitude of things...

1) he wants to ACT like a man... but he is only 14

2) when he ACTS like a man (or what he THINKS a man would do), he is not prepared for the consequences

3) he doesn't want to be responsible for anything... only to play his games, computer time, etc... as long as it is what he wants to do, where he wants to go... and all is good with HIS world... he acts like he could care a flip about mine or anyone elses...

4) i agree, i think that he is acting out because he misses my mom...

5) i also think that he will have it EASIER if he is to live with his dad (ie: no chores, no one to bother him: he has said countless times that his dad never pays him any attention... that he ignores him... last weekend when his dad cursed at him and called him stupid... i championed for Dev... told his dad to not curse at him, never call him names other than his given name... that we are to support and love him and to teach him respect, etc... )

as heart-breaking as this is... i feel that it is important for me to let Dev know I love him, and that I will always be here for him... but, I cannot allow him to treat me with disrespect, intolerance and hateful... last night when they left... his dad told him he NEEDED to hug my neck and tell me he loves me... when Dev came to me... i told him that I didn't need him to do that because someone told him too... that he needed to do that when he actually felt it was true... so, he just turned away...

When he was at the door... i told Dev that I loved him... and that it did not mean that he never had a home to come back too... my door would always be open to him... but, he needed to learn that the world evolves more than just around him... and that he needed to treat others with respect... and when he did that, he would get respect in return...

i have called my church and requested prayer.... my fears are this:

1) he will never again come home to me

2) his dad will not take him to church

3) that he will feel more indifferent because he says his dad doesn't really want him, or doesn't do anything with him... pays him any attention, etc...

I love my son with everything inside me... I was just not prepared to let him go so young...

Kids don't come with an instruction booklet... more times than not it is trial and error... but, I think that what will always come shining through is the love that you have for them... I just pray that Dev will continue to see that I love him... and I am doing this FOR him... not to make him feel he is BAD... and NO GOOD...

just pray for me guys... i am sooooooooooooo hurting right now... i miss my son... and he has only been gone 1 night... told my boss this morning that he needed to get outta the office because it was going to be a BOO-HOO kinda day...

*hugs*

Lynne

[rebeccajo 14]

Somebody told me once that the reason our kids turn 'surly' in their teenage years is so that we will want them to leave home....if they stayed adorable babies we would never be able to bear the pain of them leaving. At the time I heard the comment, I knew it had wisdom in it. I just didn't realize how much till recently. My own son frequently looks at me like I am an idiot, and sometimes answers me with complete disdain.

At the very least is will probably be an eye-opener for him that his life won't be a whole lot different with dad. Dad might even be less tolerant of the mouth - I've known plenty of boys to get their discipline at the back-hand of their fathers.

[daisy16 1]

He knows you love him! Don't forget that! You'll call him and tell him and he'll look back at your actions of the past and see it. He'll be happy to be with you because now that Dad has the day to day BS to deal with, your son can have a different relationship with you. He'll turn to you and long to spend time with you. You'll be able to do fun things or just chat over dinner or Sunday breakfast. It'll happen!

[KarenCee 3]

((((((((((((((((((Lynne))))))))))))))))))))))) Know that I do understand what you're going through. Missing my mom too, she's been gone for only 3 months but sometimes its overwhelming. Then missing Joel so much, but we both know its temporary. Having to tell my daughter her other grandmother died this week was hard too. Wish I was there to give you a big hug in person....just know you're in my thoughts today and I hope today dawns a bit better for you. Love you hon!!!!!

[Peggy 1]

OH HUGS LYNNE (F

Its hard bringing up a son.

I know all about having teenage sons and there attitudes towards there mothers. Its just something I think they have to get past.

My son and I had this talk tonite........

Why are they just so mouthy when it comes to there mothers. If anyone else asked them something it would be OK, but if I ask him something u would think that i was killing him. I just dont get it. My Jonathan tells me I embrasse him in front of his friends........... I am like OK, what ever ya think.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Somebody told me once that the reason our kids turn 'surly' in their teenage years is so that we will want them to leave home....if they stayed adorable babies we would never be able to bear the pain of them leaving. At the time I heard the comment, I knew it had wisdom in it. I just didn't realize how much till recently. My own son frequently looks at me like I am an idiot, and sometimes answers me with complete disdain.

At the very least is will probably be an eye-opener for him that his life won't be a whole lot different with dad. Dad might even be less tolerant of the mouth - I've known plenty of boys to get their discipline at the back-hand of their fathers.

He knows you love him! Don't forget that! You'll call him and tell him and he'll look back at your actions of the past and see it. He'll be happy to be with you because now that Dad has the day to day BS to deal with, your son can have a different relationship with you. He'll turn to you and long to spend time with you. You'll be able to do fun things or just chat over dinner or Sunday breakfast. It'll happen!

((((((((((((((((((Lynne))))))))))))))))))))))) Know that I do understand what you're going through. Missing my mom too, she's been gone for only 3 months but sometimes its overwhelming. Then missing Joel so much, but we both know its temporary. Having to tell my daughter her other grandmother died this week was hard too. Wish I was there to give you a big hug in person....just know you're in my thoughts today and I hope today dawns a bit better for you. Love you hon!!!!!

OH HUGS LYNNE (F

Its hard bringing up a son.

I know all about having teenage sons and there attitudes towards there mothers. Its just something I think they have to get past.

My son and I had this talk tonite........

Why are they just so mouthy when it comes to there mothers. If anyone else asked them something it would be OK, but if I ask him something u would think that i was killing him. I just dont get it. My Jonathan tells me I embrasse him in front of his friends........... I am like OK, what ever ya think.

thanks guys! I tend to isolate myself whenever I am in emotional pain... and, I did a little of that yesterday... but, I am trying to break that habit... My sisters and my best friends have been calling me to offer support and prayers... and to check on me... I have crohn's disease, and when i get upset or nervous... the whole system is upset and goes to #######!!! vomiting, dry heaves, stomach spasms... a very dibilitating process... anyways, my nerves are shot... and i have not been able to sleep... and definitely not able to eat... so, i am just trying to stay hydrated... trying to drink lots of water, even when i can't keep it down.

to bring you up to date, this is what happened yesterday.....

Dev's dad called me and told me that our son had some school books packed up in a box in his room (we moved into this house in January... but it is in the same school district)... i have been asking dev to unpack his belongings and to put them up since we moved in... as you can see, he did not do it... he felt more inclined to play games on the comp, surf the net, skateboard, etc... Jesse asked if I would go through the boxes to find Dev's school books... and I said NO... because, Dev had to learn that to be responsible for HIS belongings... so, he needed to come to find them... but, that I would take them back to the school for him...

Jesse also withdrew Dev from the school system here yesterday ... and will enroll him in the school system in his county... during the whole time, my son did not say one word to me... nor would he look me in the eyes... when they started to leave... I again told him i loved him... and that I would call his dad everyday to check on him... that i would give Dev some time... and it would be up to him to contact me when he was ready to talk... he asked about taking his cell phone and his stereo, etc... i told dev that those things would be waiting for him when he came back... but those were privileges... as a parent, it is my responsibility to ensure that he has clean clothes, a roof over his head, and food to eat... but, if he wanted those privileges, he needed to work for them...

this morning, i am thinking that maybe i do need to give him his cell phone... and continue to make the payments... just in case he needs me...

anyways... i know that dev knows i love him... and that i will always be here for him...

i expect for the first couple of weeks, he will be on his best behavior at his dad's house... but, once he gets comfortable... he will show out some... his step-mother is a good lady... for that I am thankful!

My sister said that of course she is good... but, she only has to deal with him 48 hours out of a month... that when it comes to full time... and dev show's out, she won't tolerate it in her house... *my sister used to work with dev's step-mom*...

i don't know what will happen... i'm not a forseer of the future...

but, i can tell you that i am feeling sooooooooooo many emotions right now

i know that i have been a good mom... not always done the right thing... but, i have always tried to do what i thought was best at the time...

i am being silly to even post this... but, it is one of the thoughts i am having... so, my promise to myself is to open up... so here goes...

these are things I worry about:

1) that dev will definitely improve with the male influence... but, he will love it there so much he won't want to come home

2) or, that his dad's indifference (that dev has ranted on and on about - not paying him any attention, doing things with him, cursing and calling him names, etc) will cause dev to go even further towards a negative direction

3) and if i love dev so much... how did i let him turn out so screwed up and confused? so hateful and disrespectful? what the heck happened to that loving - giving little guy who used to start and end his day with hugging my neck and giving me kisses on my cheek? who used to say "love ya" just because... what happened? i certainly have no idea...

okay... enough of my sob story for a while...

thanks for listening... i do appreciate you guys...

*hugs*

lynne

[Fuzzness 2]

thanks guys! I tend to isolate myself whenever I am in emotional pain... and, I did a little of that yesterday... but, I am trying to break that habit... My sisters and my best friends have been calling me to offer support and prayers... and to check on me... I have crohn's disease, and when i get upset or nervous... the whole system is upset and goes to #######!!! vomiting, dry heaves, stomach spasms... a very dibilitating process... anyways, my nerves are shot... and i have not been able to sleep... and definitely not able to eat... so, i am just trying to stay hydrated... trying to drink lots of water, even when i can't keep it down.

I have colitis so I have an idea of what that is like. Very sh!tty indeed!!

to bring you up to date, this is what happened yesterday.....

Dev's dad called me and told me that our son had some school books packed up in a box in his room (we moved into this house in January... but it is in the same school district)... i have been asking dev to unpack his belongings and to put them up since we moved in... as you can see, he did not do it... he felt more inclined to play games on the comp, surf the net, skateboard, etc... Jesse asked if I would go through the boxes to find Dev's school books... and I said NO... because, Dev had to learn that to be responsible for HIS belongings... so, he needed to come to find them... but, that I would take them back to the school for him...

Jesse also withdrew Dev from the school system here yesterday ... and will enroll him in the school system in his county... during the whole time, my son did not say one word to me... nor would he look me in the eyes... when they started to leave... I again told him i loved him... and that I would call his dad everyday to check on him... that i would give Dev some time... and it would be up to him to contact me when he was ready to talk... he asked about taking his cell phone and his stereo, etc... i told dev that those things would be waiting for him when he came back... but those were privileges... as a parent, it is my responsibility to ensure that he has clean clothes, a roof over his head, and food to eat... but, if he wanted those privileges, he needed to work for them...

this morning, i am thinking that maybe i do need to give him his cell phone... and continue to make the payments... just in case he needs me...

anyways... i know that dev knows i love him... and that i will always be here for him...

i expect for the first couple of weeks, he will be on his best behavior at his dad's house... but, once he gets comfortable... he will show out some... his step-mother is a good lady... for that I am thankful!

My sister said that of course she is good... but, she only has to deal with him 48 hours out of a month... that when it comes to full time... and dev show's out, she won't tolerate it in her house... *my sister used to work with dev's step-mom*...

i don't know what will happen... i'm not a forseer of the future...

but, i can tell you that i am feeling sooooooooooo many emotions right now

i know that i have been a good mom... not always done the right thing... but, i have always tried to do what i thought was best at the time...

i am being silly to even post this... but, it is one of the thoughts i am having... so, my promise to myself is to open up... so here goes...

these are things I worry about:

1) that dev will definitely improve with the male influence... but, he will love it there so much he won't want to come home

2) or, that his dad's indifference (that dev has ranted on and on about - not paying him any attention, doing things with him, cursing and calling him names, etc) will cause dev to go even further towards a negative direction

3) and if i love dev so much... how did i let him turn out so screwed up and confused? so hateful and disrespectful? what the heck happened to that loving - giving little guy who used to start and end his day with hugging my neck and giving me kisses on my cheek? who used to say "love ya" just because... what happened? i certainly have no idea...

okay... enough of my sob story for a while...

thanks for listening... i do appreciate you guys...

*hugs*

lynne

I think you did the right thing. Letting him know you love him, and also letting him know that there are consequences to his actions, and that you will not be controlled by him or by anyone, you are laying down a good foundation here.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Thanks Joel... in my heart, i feel i am doing the right thing... he needs to be shown TOUGH LOVE... doesn't make it any easier tho... my sister just left my office... she brought me water so i don't get dehydrated (almost too late... having muscle cramps now... )... and to let me know that she is there if i need her... i am so blessed with such loving family and friends... truly i am...

my heart tells me that dev still loves me... he's just having a rough time of it... some to do with my mother's death... and some to do with the fact he is 14 going on 30... he THINKS he is grown... but, still acts like the kid he is.... so he is in the between thing... too old to be a little kid... and too young to be a grown man... i have set myself on this path with him... and one thing about parenting, you have to be consistent... but it sure isn't easy... i appreciate you and karen soooooooooooooooo much... i thank God for our friendship... you two are awesome folks! *hugs*

hope the colitis thing is doing okay at the moment tho!~

Lynne

thanks guys! I tend to isolate myself whenever I am in emotional pain... and, I did a little of that yesterday... but, I am trying to break that habit... My sisters and my best friends have been calling me to offer support and prayers... and to check on me... I have crohn's disease, and when i get upset or nervous... the whole system is upset and goes to #######!!! vomiting, dry heaves, stomach spasms... a very dibilitating process... anyways, my nerves are shot... and i have not been able to sleep... and definitely not able to eat... so, i am just trying to stay hydrated... trying to drink lots of water, even when i can't keep it down.

I have colitis so I have an idea of what that is like. Very sh!tty indeed!!

to bring you up to date, this is what happened yesterday.....

Dev's dad called me and told me that our son had some school books packed up in a box in his room (we moved into this house in January... but it is in the same school district)... i have been asking dev to unpack his belongings and to put them up since we moved in... as you can see, he did not do it... he felt more inclined to play games on the comp, surf the net, skateboard, etc... Jesse asked if I would go through the boxes to find Dev's school books... and I said NO... because, Dev had to learn that to be responsible for HIS belongings... so, he needed to come to find them... but, that I would take them back to the school for him...

Jesse also withdrew Dev from the school system here yesterday ... and will enroll him in the school system in his county... during the whole time, my son did not say one word to me... nor would he look me in the eyes... when they started to leave... I again told him i loved him... and that I would call his dad everyday to check on him... that i would give Dev some time... and it would be up to him to contact me when he was ready to talk... he asked about taking his cell phone and his stereo, etc... i told dev that those things would be waiting for him when he came back... but those were privileges... as a parent, it is my responsibility to ensure that he has clean clothes, a roof over his head, and food to eat... but, if he wanted those privileges, he needed to work for them...

this morning, i am thinking that maybe i do need to give him his cell phone... and continue to make the payments... just in case he needs me...

anyways... i know that dev knows i love him... and that i will always be here for him...

i expect for the first couple of weeks, he will be on his best behavior at his dad's house... but, once he gets comfortable... he will show out some... his step-mother is a good lady... for that I am thankful!

My sister said that of course she is good... but, she only has to deal with him 48 hours out of a month... that when it comes to full time... and dev show's out, she won't tolerate it in her house... *my sister used to work with dev's step-mom*...

i don't know what will happen... i'm not a forseer of the future...

but, i can tell you that i am feeling sooooooooooo many emotions right now

i know that i have been a good mom... not always done the right thing... but, i have always tried to do what i thought was best at the time...

i am being silly to even post this... but, it is one of the thoughts i am having... so, my promise to myself is to open up... so here goes...

these are things I worry about:

1) that dev will definitely improve with the male influence... but, he will love it there so much he won't want to come home

2) or, that his dad's indifference (that dev has ranted on and on about - not paying him any attention, doing things with him, cursing and calling him names, etc) will cause dev to go even further towards a negative direction

3) and if i love dev so much... how did i let him turn out so screwed up and confused? so hateful and disrespectful? what the heck happened to that loving - giving little guy who used to start and end his day with hugging my neck and giving me kisses on my cheek? who used to say "love ya" just because... what happened? i certainly have no idea...

okay... enough of my sob story for a while...

thanks for listening... i do appreciate you guys...

*hugs*

lynne

I think you did the right thing. Letting him know you love him, and also letting him know that there are consequences to his actions, and that you will not be controlled by him or by anyone, you are laying down a good foundation here.

[Fuzzness 2]

Thanks Joel... in my heart, i feel i am doing the right thing... he needs to be shown TOUGH LOVE... doesn't make it any easier tho... my sister just left my office... she brought me water so i don't get dehydrated (almost too late... having muscle cramps now... )... and to let me know that she is there if i need her... i am so blessed with such loving family and friends... truly i am...

my heart tells me that dev still loves me... he's just having a rough time of it... some to do with my mother's death... and some to do with the fact he is 14 going on 30... he THINKS he is grown... but, still acts like the kid he is.... so he is in the between thing... too old to be a little kid... and too young to be a grown man... i have set myself on this path with him... and one thing about parenting, you have to be consistent... but it sure isn't easy... i appreciate you and karen soooooooooooooooo much... i thank God for our friendship... you two are awesome folks! *hugs*

hope the colitis thing is doing okay at the moment tho!~

Lynne

I'm afraid that with his attitude, he will get into a position where he can't get out of as he thinks he can right now. Indeed, a humbling experience happens to us all when we think we're more than what we really are. I just hope it doesn't hurt too much. Boot camp sure can humble a person not that i'm suggesting it, he doesn't seem THAT bad. Parenting isn't fun sometimes, but what choice do you have? Our kids deserve to be pointed in the right direction. After that though, it's up to them to keep on the right path.

Okay thats enough philosophising for now

And the colitis is fine as long as I stay away from greasy foods... which is oh so hard to do! Why is it the best tasting food is always the worse for you?

Edited March 17, 2006 by Fuzzness

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Joel... and everyone... thank you for your concern... and prayers...this has been the most difficult thing to do - sending my son to stay with his dad... and i miss him terribly!!!

This is an update... I have not spoken with my son since last Thursday...

when I talked to his dad, he told me that he forgot to remind Dev to call me... doh!!!

Anyways... I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing... tough love ya know! Please keep praying for us... I know that Dev just needs time to grow up... and he will be back home with me at the end of the school year...

now... if only I could hear from him soon... tried calling him at his dad's... they never answer...

need some good news soon Dear Lord... talking to Dev and the noa2 from csc!

Thanks guys!

Blessings to you all!

Lynne

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Just wanted ya'll to know that my son came for a "visit" this past weekend... and he wants to come home... told him that he needed to see this through until the end of the year... because he needed to understand that we could not disrupt our work and lives just because he is not happy now... that he should have thought about what he was doing to bring about this change...

Anyways, spent a lovely time with him this past weekend... talking, etc... not one moment's problem... no attitude, etc... almost like the son i knew before TEENS!!!

Thanks guys for listening!

Blessings to all

Lynne

[TracyTN 237]

Aww Lynne, glad to hear it!!

*hugs*

[almaty 19]

lynee, that is great news..i wish you and your son..the best.......dean