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Filed: Timeline
Posted

Kudos to your mother! I wish more parent understood that coddling and enabling only produces dependent and unappreciative children.

To the the OP, I must ask- who paid for the petition? My heart truly goes out to you- please see this objectively (even though I know that's difficult). If he's saying these things to you, does he truly love you? It sounds as if he hasn't been made to be responsible... if he thinks it is stressful just playing video games, as others have said- what will he do when he is the one that is working and taking care of his whole family? I would tell him that you need to see some effort before you leave your whole entire life to come here.

My fiance leaves the house at 6am and comes home around 10pm just to be able to provide for himself because he knows what responsibility is. He is showing me that even when he gets here, I don't have to worry about whether or not he has good work ethic. I won't have to question if he's responsible or motivated. It sounds like your fiance doesn't have these qualities right now. I know that it is hard to leave someone you love, but you will never change anyone. They need to change for themselves. You need to make the best decision for yourself because it sounds like this guy has no idea what adult life demands.

Hello. it was his father who paid for the petition. My fiance asked him to, as well as asked him to be our co-sponsor for the I-134. My fiance then told me that his father was awful to deal with and that he wouldn't ask him anything for us again, and that having to ask was draining on him. And yet they get along fine, so I don't know the truth there.

You're right, I told him all this and he once told me he hates reality and needs "constant stress releases". Which baffles me, as to me, he lives a stress-free life.

Your fiance is doing exactly what he should: re-assuring you. That's a gem.

Filed: Timeline
Posted

Oh, Honey. I am so sorry you are in this situation. As mentioned above, the decision is yours. I work with families that have had their children removed due to abuse and neglect to help them get their lives together so that they can get their children back. Part of my job is challenging the dysfunctional thoughts/behavior of the person in hopes that they can recognize the behavior and make different choices.

I am very concerned with a few things you have written. If your fiance finds it "too stressful" looking for a job, it is not likely he is going to successfully handle stress/responsibility when he is responsible for a wife and a child. The stress for him is going to increase, not decrease. Secondly, you mentioned that his coping mechanism is escaping via video games and entertainment. This will also increase with increased stress. He does not seem to have the emotional maturity at this point to make different decisions. This will likely look like lots of "escaping" and emotional disengagement. Next, you have communicated how valuable this is to you, and the consequences of him not looking for a job are severe, yet it still has not motivated him. I see people make decisions to not correct behavior, even when it risks losing their children, every day. It's not on purpose. There is just not the capacity there to make mature, responsible decisions. Lastly, suggesting that you stay illegally is a major character concern. It puts you in danger. It puts your family and your future in danger. That is not a loving suggestion. That type of thought process will not be limited to your immigration status.

There are some major concerns here. Do you have people near you who love you and support you that could give you some feedback?

hello dear, this is why I do not wish to bring children into this world unless I know they won't lack or suffer. I am not inconsiderate and won't let him do this. Your job sounds very fulfilling, and you're helping vulnerable people which is a blessing. You get to make a difference.

The concern you raised are the reason why I started to be doubtful over the past few weeks. I also witnessed him once, when he was stressed from driving in heavy traffic, punching his steering wheel and getting hysterical. This scared me so much, but it didn't happen afterwards, which made me bury that incident.

I did suggest that what he said would be putting me in danger, and he didn't seem to respond.

Filed: Timeline
Posted

Hi,

I am reading this thread as well as reading it out sitting here with my mother.

I'm about to move in a few weeks and she is sad to see me go, but said she would be terrified if I was in your situation.

As a loving mother, she asked me to tell you to look after yourself and stay in France !

My advice: the same. Everyone on here has read your words and are trying to look out for you. I don't think anyone has said anything inappropriate or to stop you from being happy.

France sounds like it will make you happy and safe. This man absolutely does not.

From personal experience I've dated a man who didn't care, never asked how I felt, never wanted anything except...you know and I'd eventually had enough and KNEW there had to be a better man out there.

Think about your future, if this is breaking your heart now, imagine feeling this way every single day for the rest of your life.

please look after yourself, dig deep down and make the best decision for yourself, but I really think either put it off u til he proves his commitment or move on and find a better, loving man who treats you the way you deserve.

Good luck !! <3

Hello Kate. Thanks for sharing this, and it helps me to see that my mother would react the same. You see, once all these issues started to accumulate, I just stopped telling my mother about it, because she would be too worried, and would start to resent my fiance.

Everyone here is a star that shines in my nearly broken heart..you all help me so much. I was in a different state of mind yesterday when I posted, and now after meditating on each individual response, I know that if I give him a change, it will be the final one. So this is what I will do, and then if nothing changes, I will unfortunately have to move on and heal all my wounds.

I hope you are having a lovely time before your move (L)

Filed: Timeline
Posted

Hey there,

Sorry that you are facing this issue right now. Like others, it is difficult for us to give you our decisions as suggestions because afterall, it is your life.

What we can do is to try to give you our thoughts and opinions and what we see as an outsider.

After reading your post, most of all, this isnt solely about the visa anymore, visa can be reapplied but marriage can't. Once you're in its forever your talking about. Of course we do not want to end up bad ways. You should try to give yourself time to think about whether if he is really the one and whether if you trust him enough that he will eventually get a job and push for it. If one really loves you, he would try all ways to get a job just to be with you and secure your life in future.

Moving to a new country and starting a life together as newly wed, you would need alot of money without any support. Getting a rented apartment, buying toiletries, internet monthly payment, food and groceries, some furnitures, etc. If he doesnt get a job anytime soon it will be hard for you. You must immediately apply permit to work once you have done your documentations.

Pros:

- You can motivate him more to get a job when you are there

- You both love each other

- You both tried this far for K1 visa

Cons:

- Insecurity (financially)

- Is he mature enough to take this big step in life? He is no longer responsible for one person's life but both

- You lose your current job or you can take annual/marriage leave

- Will he be able to get a job anytime soon if you're there?

- You might have to live your life with his mom for a long time

If you are unsure about this relationship and have already giving thoughts and posting here, I think you have some insecurities already. If I were you, I would delay the visa and reapply when he gets a job and at meantime visit him as a tourist to see how his life is or just move on and find someone new. Also my dear girl, do not let him use up all our 4k savings or depend on it! You must love yourself first and care for yourself first!

Hello Roy & Chanel , all my blessings you way for caring and helping. Everything you've said is accurate. However, if I were to visit him as a tourist, I know things would be wonderful again, life when I visited him before. After much thinking, I think my situation can only be assessed from seeing how he lives daily, and for this I must visit, and use that time as holiday time off, so I keep the job I worked so hard to get. And between now and then, if he has a job, and treats me with respect, then I will evaluate. The only worry is that he may tell me he doesn't want to look for jobs while I'm there.

I am perhaps late to join this thread, but I think deep inside you know what's the right thing to do. That's why you have not used your K1 yet. If you do travel to the States, please make sure you can keep your job in France, so that you don't end up turning your entire life upside down if you do need to go back to France. Take care.

never too late, I appreciate everyone's words more than I can verbalise (F)

Filed: Timeline
Posted

Hi Ava, there are 8 pages of answers in this thread - and this is an true indication of how caring everyone is here to help you, as we are all independent and going through our own issues as we wook though this awful process.

Just from my own experience, I know how difficult it is to go back when you are so far through and committed your heart. But I want to give you the same advice my mother gave me when I was in a similar situation to yours some years back, (before meeting my wonderful Lauren).

I told my mother about all my plans and what was happening, and she said "go" "your heart will recover much faster when you see how it really is"

So I did, and I spent time with this girl, and when I was lying there at night wishing I could get an earlier flight back to the UK, it was very clear.

So - please go there for a couple of weeks, and once you are there, your heart will tell you truly this is a disaster, and you can come home happy that you made the right decision and look for someone else who will really care for you.

..and you will heal faster..

..and p.s. um..speaking as a Dad...don't trust HIM to take, ahem, precautions....don't get trapped...

Greetings Kevin,

Your words have helped me feel better, indeed people here are so very caring, and I am beyond grateful to you, I can't stress that enough.

What your mother told you, namely "go" "your heart will recover much faster when you see how it really is", is exactly what I have decided to do. I may end up wishing to be back home everyday, and I will trust my intuition this time, I know it's there for a reason.

I just hope he won't pretend to be all charming again like in the beginning, which is why I must observe him well and not give him what he might expect.

Filed: Timeline
Posted

Ava, you sound like such a wonderful person. You deserve to be with someone who makes an effort to take care of you. Someone who is to stressed out to search for a job, or is stressed out just by a bit of paperwork will not make a good husband, unfortunately.

Sometimes we need to think about more than just love. It's not realistic to build a life with someone who will not look for a job, who wants you to fritter away your savings, who doesn't care if you are there legally or illegally. When you move to the US, you will be away from all of your friends and family, and nobody will speak your language. It may be hard for you to find a job, too. This process is difficult to begin with, it will be even harder with someone who cannot handle stress, and pressures you into things you are not ready for, like having children. It sounds like he is making all the decisions, and you are not even thinking about what is right for you. It's your life.

Everything you have told us about this man suggests that he is not ready to be a husband. He doesn't sound like he can handle the stress of marriage and parenthood very well. Please take care of yourself. At the very least, if I were in your position, I would wait a year or two for him to mature a little bit and look for a job. Good luck (L)

Hello, I can't help but agreeing with you, on a gut-instinct level. Do you think there is anything I could tell him to make him realise all this for good?

Thanks so much for your kind words (L)

Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Colombia
Timeline
Posted

Honey, the chances of this man becoming physically abusive are very high. He is already demonstrating emotional abuse and a total disregard for you. He is showing you that he does not love you. He might sweet talk you, he may tell you he loves you and apologize, but what he DEMONSTRATES is very different. This situation is very dangerous. I am very concerned for you!

Filed: Timeline
Posted

I've been reading this post and it's wonderful to see the outpouring of support for your situation. It sounds like, from this post, that you've decided to maybe book the ticket and give it a shot?

As a person who was emotionally manipulated in the past, I know exactly how you feel. He was so great in the beginning, right? It was easy to trust him and you fell hard and fast. He changed and you're confused as to who the "real" him is. Is he the sweet, loving, attentive guy you met at the beginning? Or is he a lazy, manipulative abuser who makes everything your fault when you know deep down it's not. I've been there. I didn't listen to the advice of my friends or even a forum I posted on about it. I didn't think anyone could offer me any advice because they didn't know the "real" him. I don't know if you will listen. If you're like I was, you won't. You'll go, it'll be an amazing 2 weeks because he's got you now, directly in his control. He can sweep you off your feet again and make you feel like this was the right decision. But then, after you've married, maybe after you're pregnant, he'll show his true colors once again. You'll be heartbroken with no job, no security, and no foreseeable way out.

I've seen it so many times and I was a victim myself. Please listen to the awesome advice here and don't go. He's controlling you from afar and he can do it better in person. I didn't think I could ever move on, but I met an amazing man who loves and respects me. Now I'm happily married to the right person. Someone who doesn't need to "change" or "be fixed." Trust me, this guy is not your project and shouldn't be. It's not possible to change someone. They have to want to change on their own.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. Remember that if you do decide to go, you'll make yourself extremely vulnerable to being caught up in the romance of seeing each other again. You can only think rationally by staying in France. Congrats on your promotion. Remember that if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do so. He should have no problem moving to France. Ce n'est pas difficile d'apprendre la langue!

Sending my thoughts and prayers your way in this tough time.

Good evening :) This resonates with me very well. When you mention abuse, I never wanted to look at it that way before. But earlier today I remembered that he once got so angry about people he saw in town, and he said he wanted to punch them all. And my gut instinct lead me to ask him "would you ever punch him?" and what he then said was "Why? sounds like you want me to punch you". And at that time, I physically felt my spine go very cold and had an horror look on my face. Then I highlighted that and he said I just did not understand him.

That does leave us confused. Who is he? Was it all pretend, a facade? I asked him this directly and he said it was the stress of the paperwork. Another time he said "once you conquer a woman, there's no chase anymore so she has lesser value. To take someone for granted after a while is human nature.". Which again had me sick to my stomach, as essentially he was saying that since he "had" me, and got me to love him, his interest level dropped. And at the same time I caught him flirting with other girls. Which was then met with profuse apologies from him, and the "I'll never do this again".

Et ce n'est pas difficile, si on veut. Il faut vouloir :)

(L)

Filed: Timeline
Posted

You've had so much great advice already. You have got a lot of emotions rolling up and they make us focus on our dreams instead of reality.

Take a break, take a step back and think - if this was the "perfect" man for me what would he be doing now?

Don't go stopping and compromising in your life to realize it was one big mistake to then have to repair your life whilst he sits in a sofa all day and acts like a 12 year old.

Someone who says "marriage is for kids" I don't agree with and could say harsh words here. We are all different but at the end of the day our principles is what keeps our love for each other strong and makes the one whom you are with your soulmate. If you don't agree on the principles of love between yourselves then do you really think this will be your last relationship challenge with him? I'm not sure this is a sign of you building a happy life.

If my fiancee was from a different country I would learn her language even if she was the one coming to an English speaking country, firstly out of respect and secondly it's part of her - where she's grown up. I would want my fiancee to keep that part of her as it makes her her and if it helps by me learning the language then I don't care how hard it would be to learn!

Clearly you have beautiful dream in your mind but you need to check the dream with reality, if you really really really want to give him a chance then don't go to him, make him come to you! Ask him to show his seriousness! And don't pay! Even being unemployed, money is no object, if me I would find the money from where ever to show my seriousness if I was in the same position (I wouldn't actually get in this position). If he doesn't then wake up from your dream and find a man whom really will respect and support your dream.

Sorry that you have this dilemma, wish you all the best and stay strong and focused!

Hello :). Yes when he said " marriage is only to have children otherwise there's no point" , it's actually insulting to people who can't have children, or just refuse not to. No, marriage should be about loving someone more everyday from understanding them better, and building a life together, and with children if both are able to offer them a good life.

He couldn't pay you see, and yet and finds the money to go to shows and buy things often. It does not add up.

I will stay strong and focused, I owe it to you all, for caring and being here for me when the one I deemed the man of my life isn't even paying attention.

Filed: Timeline
Posted

As the mutual sediment is here....you should probably not go.

However, I can fully understand wanting to see for yourself and perhaps get full closure or a miracle. PLEASE purchase a round trip ticket. No they will not think its strange, as you just said it is cheaper. K1 visa's give you 90 days to see if you do want to stay in the USA and get married. No where does it say you have to get married....especially after arriving and seeing that this relationship is not in your best interest and bring nothing to the table for you. Matter of fact that is a great question! You offer so much to him....What does he bring to the table?? What does he offer in this relationship??

Hello :). Thanks for confirming me that it won't be suspicious to have a roundtrip ticket and thanks for the support. (L)

I don't know why he can't see that I invest myself 100% and that he should do the same. nothing I said make him be grateful.

Filed: Timeline
Posted (edited)

Listen up. Long distance relationships can be difficult, and at times, stressful. My wife and I were apart for 2 years before she came here. We had our fights, but we always, always, always worked it out together to find resolution. I never told my wife "I don't want to talk about it." That is the worst thing one can say as it stops communication. In my opinion, the long distance is not making him aloof and neglecting. He is taking your love for granted because he believes he "has you where he wants you."

We did our K-1 via a visa service, but we both still had our share of work to submit to the visa service. We worked together, stayed up late discussing our evidence and details. To tell you the truth, by working together, we became more close and committed to the idea of being together. What has he done to help your K-1 process? Nothing. As you say, you did all the paperwork. It is you who were committed to the idea of being together, not him. If he wanted you here as a loving wife, he would have gotten off his butt and helped with the paperwork. It's not like he had a job to go to, like I did, where doing the paperwork after a hard day's work could be immensely taxing. If he cared about your approval, he should have been the one working on the paperwork.

Oh and by the way, you can surely state that my wife is lucky, but in my opinion, I am the lucky one, I am the luckiest man alive to have such a wonderful woman like my wife. She is my world, my everything and I would follow her to the end of time. No task is too daunting, no conversation is too dull, and any time with her is time worth spending. For example, I hate shopping. I downright despise it. But my wife loves shopping. My wife cannot drive, she has this fear of driving. So guess who has to drive her and accompany her shopping? You guessed it! Now I may be a bit cranky when we shop and she will say things like, "You hate me, don't you for taking you shopping?" And I'll say, "I don't hate you, I just hate shopping. But I also love being with you, so it's not so bad." :D

Now If you go to the USA I can almost guarantee you the following scenario:

1. You arrive in the USA and decide to stay the 90 days.

2. You drive "home" to his mom's house where you live with his other brother and sisters.

3. He will be all nice and lovable, just as he was when you first met. But don't be fooled, this is an act.

4. After 90 Days, you may decide to marry him. (Big Mistake)

5. After you marry he will not file your AoS because you guessed it, he can't afford it because he still wont have a job.

6. You may think about taking "cash" jobs to help pay for the AoS, and when you have enough money, your AoS still wont happen because he is too busy saving the fantasy world of Aezeroth on his computer to fill out and sign the paperwork.

7. You will then be out of status, illegal, and jobless. You may have been foolish enough to actually have kids, and this is right where he wants you. Why?

8. Because now he can threaten to get you deported if you leave. And if you leave, you cannot come back because you will be out of status, and possibly banned from the USA. You also wont be able to take your children with you even if you decide to leave because he would have to sign permission for you to take them (the children would be US Citizens). As a non-Citizen, you have no say in their travel, and taking them to another state can be considered kidnapping.

9. He'll have you there as his own personal housewife and servant. Occasionally he'll do something nice when he feels you cant take it any more and want to leave, at which point you may "go back to him," hoping he will change, but he won't, trust me.

There are many scenarios not too different form this right here on VJ. As a psychologist, I can tell you, from what you told me so far, that his behavior is classic manipulative, and you should proceed with caution. If you do go to the USA, and want to see his true colors, I advise you to:

1. Use your $4000.00 to find a cheap apartment/rental/motel in his neighborhood and stay there. If you are in the "lion's den (his mom's home)," you will feel obligated to listen to him and his family. They may even coax you into marrying him. You need your own place any way to shower and have privacy.

2. DO NOT under any circumstances have sex with him. Tell him that if he loves you and are worth waiting for, he will wait until you are married. If he presses the issue, use your round trip ticket and go home.

3. Make it clear to him that after 90 days if he does not have a full time job, and an apartment/house of your own, it's over and you are on the next plane to France.

4. Tell him to give up video games for 90 days. If he can't make a small sacrifice for you now, he wont make big sacrifices later, like when he has kids. To ensure he gives up video games, tell him that his game console and PC must stay with you in your hotel room.

I give him 20 days before he shows his true colors.

I might also add, that as a real man, I am bound to behave like a man. A real man adores and respects his woman and would do anything for her. A real man cares enough to provide for his wife and children. A real man supports his wife's goals and ambitions. A real man thinks about the future of his family. A real man communicates his thoughts and desires so that nothing is misunderstood. Finally, a real man makes time for his wife and children, nothing is more important, not a job, not his parents or siblings, not even a video game. Think about it, do you want a real man or a little boy? You are a strong, independent woman with ambition. You need a strong, independent man who will support your goals as well as have his own goals to accomplish. Think about it.

Hello and I can't describe how much you've helped me! Thank you so very much.

The relationship you have with your wife is the one I desperately one...companionship, reciprocity, communication and honesty. You both are incredibly lucky and you give me hope.

I think you may be able to evaluate this, due to your profession. My friend suspects that my fiance might have a personality disorder (Cluster B type), or that he might be depressed, possibly bi-polar. Or she suggests he may simply be a sociopath. The latter came from his "technique" to make me fall for him, and then manipulating me. Also his lack of empathy, and sometimes instances when he showed no conscience. As well as his frequent angry outburst, and I realised he read a lot about serial killers, which still puzzles me. How could I know where he is, without an assessment?

Moreover, I will do just what you said. It is for me the best way to get closure (if need be) and see his true colours.

I just have an issue, regarding intercourse. When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this. What if he says that again? or gets passive aggressive as a result?

Edited by AvaAdore
Filed: AOS (apr) Country: India
Timeline
Posted

Honestly, I never wanted to see it as abuse either. Because even though I KNEW he was the unreasonable one, he was excellent at turning it around on me. He would never admit that he was an abuser. They don't think they are. It's all subconscious. They will try to logically explain their ridiculousness. And it used to drive me actually insane how he twisted everything and painted me as the crazy one. Ugh-I'm getting mad talking about it! He went around and told all of his friends and mine that I was crazy when all I did was stand up for myself and end the cycle of abuse.

And sure, people get comfortable with each other and those first sparks fade a little, but you guys aren't even married yet! What the heck, you're getting the short end of the stick here. Relationships evolve and change but he still has to put the work in. Marriage is work. If he thinks he "has" you- he is mistaken. That's not how this works. Marriage is 100/100 not 50/50 because both partners should put their total effort into it. (yes, I know that's tacky but I like it :) )

P.S- It's so sweet that you're replying to everyone. You're obviously a kind person who deserves to be treated better.

Good evening :) This resonates with me very well. When you mention abuse, I never wanted to look at it that way before. But earlier today I remembered that he once got so angry about people he saw in town, and he said he wanted to punch them all. And my gut instinct lead me to ask him "would you ever punch him?" and what he then said was "Why? sounds like you want me to punch you". And at that time, I physically felt my spine go very cold and had an horror look on my face. Then I highlighted that and he said I just did not understand him.

That does leave us confused. Who is he? Was it all pretend, a facade? I asked him this directly and he said it was the stress of the paperwork. Another time he said "once you conquer a woman, there's no chase anymore so she has lesser value. To take someone for granted after a while is human nature.". Which again had me sick to my stomach, as essentially he was saying that since he "had" me, and got me to love him, his interest level dropped. And at the same time I caught him flirting with other girls. Which was then met with profuse apologies from him, and the "I'll never do this again".

Et ce n'est pas difficile, si on veut. Il faut vouloir :)

(L)

 

 

Posted

The thread is up to 12 pages now, and i don't think you've yet said ONE good thing about this bloke.

If you honestly can't see where that is going, then nothing is going to help you. Marriage is hard, and so is moving to a new country... its going to put a strain on the best of relationships at times. Most of us here just before we travelled to the US could have written 12 pages about how wonderful our partners were, yet all you've managed is 12 pages about how he's lazy, rude to you, and appears to show absolutely no interest in being with you. I can't believe you're still here asking for advice!

--- k1 visa ---
Texas Service Center (Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here)
I-129F sent: 12 Aug 2014
I-129F NOA1: 15 Aug 2014
I-129F NOA2: 2 Mar 2015 (199 days from NOA1) **No RFEs!**
NVC Received: 19 Mar 2015
Case#, IIN, BIN assigned: 19 Mar 2015
NVC Left: 20 Mar 2015
Consultate Received: 23 Mar 2015
Package 3 Received: 26 Mar 2015
Medical: 10 Apr 2015
Packet 3 Sent: 10 Apr 2015
Packet 4 Received: 23 Apr 2015
Interview Date: 8 May 2015 (Approved!!!)
Visa Issued: 14 May 2015
Visa in Hand: 19 May 2015
Entry to USA: 5 Jun 2015
Married: 21 Jun 2015

---Adjustment of Status---
Sent I-485, I-131 and I-765: 7 Jul 2015
NOA1 for I-485, I-131 and I-765: 14 Jul 2015
Email notification that I-765 was approved: 12 Sep 2015
Email notification that I-131 was approved: 15 Sep 2015
Email notification that EAD/AP combo card was mailed: 15 Sep 2015
EAD and AP combo card received: 18 Sep 2015
Green Card Received: 3 Dec 2015 [ :)] Previous letter stated interview requirement was likely to be waived

 

---Removal of Conditions---
Sent I-751: 13 Oct 2017
NOA1 for I-751: 23 Oct 2017

Biometrics: 20 Nov 2017
Approved: 20 Dec 2018

Green Card Received: 2 Jan 2019

 

-- Citizenship --
Filed Online: 21 Feb 2020
NOA1 (Online): 22 Feb 2020
Biometrics: 10 Mar 2020

Interview: 29 Jul 2020 (Approved - Oath taken immediately due to covid19)

 
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