Cold Feet and Second Thoughts

[mallafri76 1,012]

I went back and read some of your old posts. You haven't even been together for a year, you've never really met, his English is really bad which makes me wonder if you speak his language or how else do you communicate? You love animals, he's allergic to them. I see you love camping, does he? I'm all for unconventional relationships, I know that people fall in love in the most unusual ways and places, but you guys don't really know each other. From your own accord, you learn new things about him on a regular basis. It really feels like you were rushing into this and now it's catching up with you and that's why you're having these doubts. Don't take this the wrong way but when we're young, we tend to think that the person we're with is the love of our life, until he's not anymore. I think you should listen to your gut.

Just one other thought. If his religion is so strict that he's not even allowed to meet you in person, how can he be allowed to marry someone of a different religion?

[Sparkles2013 9]

Hi Terri,

After reading some of the other topic you have started here, to learn a little bit more about your fiancee and your situation, I will offer you my two cents.

Take immigration out of the picture for a moment- this is someone who you are going to marry. Marry- as in promise to spend your life with. Someone who is going to be with you throughout all the good and bad times, someone who you are supposed to trust more than anyone in the world- someone who is not supposed to lie to you, or hide things from you.

No one here knows about your relationship more than you do, and yes it is normal to have cold feet about marriage- but the feeling are more based on "what ifs"... "what if we discover that we can't live together without driving each other crazy?" "what if we have to move for work" "what if...". However, your concerns seem to be more based on concerns about HIM as a person, not the two of you as a couple- "what else hasnt he told me?" "How could he not have told me about his neice?" "what about our religious differences?" etc. As already said- trust your instincts. It sounds like maybe the two of you need to spend some more time together before you decide to commit your lives together. Is there a way for you two to share a meal with your families? I understand you may not be able to stay in the same hotel room, but surely there are other ways to be able to look at your fiancee's eyes other than through skype or photographs.

You deserve to be happy- and I don't think you will be until you are able to put some of these fears and concerns to rest. I understand that you are egar to get to your "happily ever after" but you have to go through the rest of the story first. Would you have agreed to marry him if he lived down the street? or would you think it was too soon and just want to date? Has he been dishonest with you in the past? Do you trust him? Do you know about his past? (Remember, there is a 5 year old child that is clearly important to him- and he didnt tell you...? What else hasnt he told you? will you be OK having her in your life?)
It is easy to get swept up in romance and fairy tale love, but dont let it blind you and have someone take advantage of you.

Take some time- talk with your fiancee, your sister, your parents, friends... your feelings are vaid, and you shouldnt rush into something you are 100% ready for!

Good luck

[TBoneTX 43,124]

Post edited to remove offensive language; returned to thread as follows:

Feels like some sort of a parallel universe...

you DO NOT KNOW this man. You haven't met in person. You have absolutely no idea who he is, what he is like, what kind of person he is. He can be anything and anybody at this point. All your communication is not in person. You have no idea what you might be getting into.

[Elle&Kev 120]

I'm confused with the story. Based on last Saturday nights post and now this one you state the following: Your sister married your brother-in-law who ran off to be with another woman who is the father of this 5 year old child who is being raised by your Basim who is the nephew of your brother-in-law?

How would you not of known of this child? Your sister would of known of her. The immigration process clearly asks about children?

[raven52 233]

Boiler is right, take is easy. ""The Eagles"" 70's and even now rock band had a huge hit ""Take IT Easy"".,.,listen to the song.

If you are having any doubts, they are there for a reason, as your heart is telling you "all is fine" but your brain knows, that something just does not seem quite right. I would not want to be where you are, such a huge decision.

You must think.,.,..,WHAT WAS THE ONE THING THAT STARTED YOUR DOUBTS.,..,,.it had to stand out.

I have absolutely nothing against ""moderate Muslims"" but I would never understand how a Christian and a Muslim could be married. You are so different. It might be that some people make it work, but, long term..,.,.,it is doomed, in my opinion.

It is hard enough, married to a devout Catholic from the Phils., and me a Southern Baptist.,.,...,but we exist.,.very peacefully.

And the talking of relatives in his country, would be a huge red flag to me, who does he want to bring here, and just because he sent you money, is that "bait".,.,.,just to get here, then bring other family members here?

I have followed your story, and I have never heard you sound like this, ""SOMETHING IS WRONG".,.,.,. and you have detected it.,.,.I hope you can figure out what it is, before it is too late!

[raven52 233]

Teri,

Many people are following your story, and we wish the best for you,..,.,.hope you will keep us informed,,.,.,your story is so intriguing.,.,...,all I can say is best of luck!

Trust your ""gut"" and brain, not your heart in this situation.

[Elle&Kev 120]

Perhaps you need to investigate if what he is telling you is the truth. Based on this article below, by law a child would not be allowed to be cared for by a male family member...Ever!

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

The right of guardianship and custody for children (Egypt family law)

The law stipulates different criteria that determine who will care about the child. The law determines, taking into account the child’s age, which parent has the priority over others to provide their children with suitable care. Egyptian Family law takes these rules from Islam’s Sharia, recognizing that children have special needs in their lives starting from the very first day, and they have to be together with the parent who can deal with these needs

The Egyptian Family law also determines the age of guardianship and custody according to whether the child is male or female, because their needs are obviously different. According to that, the parent who can provide with the child’s needs is the one who acquires priority in doing that.

The female childcare period:

The law considers that in the first years the child must be with a woman (or women) that take care about it, because women are more able than men to do that.

The act number 25 decreed in 1929 categorizes women according to their priority of taking care of children:

“The mother, then the grandmother from the mother’s side; then the grandmother from the father’s side, then sisters, then sisters from the mother only; then sisters from the father’s side, etc. Only then will the right come to the men side”

We will talk about the ‘keeper’ as a mother, because she is the first one who takes care for babies. It must be noted, however, that the same rules which control mother’s right to care about and keep a child apply to all keepers.

The legal conditions for childcare rights :

The law requires that the keeper abides to some conditions that ensure that she or he is able to provide the child with proper care.

1. Must be with good health in mind and body.

2. Must be mentally sane and have reached the age of legal responsibility (adult).

3. Must be with good manners.

4. Must not be married to anyone who can marry the child ( Unmehram).

5. To be in the same religion not condition.

The period of childcare:

The act amending in 7 march 2005 to provisions number 25 in 1920 article number 20 says that the period of childcare starts from the first day until the age of 15. After that the judge asks the child if they want to stay with the same parent or go to the other one until 21 for males or until time of marriage for females.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Elle&Kev

[raven52 233]

It would seem, according to this article, that your Egyptian friend, might not be "on the truthful path to you".,,.,., this is very interesting.

Hope you digest all of this previous post!

This Elle&Kev.,.,.,know what they are talking about!

[Yabancibride 5]

If you are having second thoughts because of religious differences, wait!!

(For all you nay sayers on Muslim Christian marriages, it's not because he is forcing me to convert or whatever you think).

But, it means you aren't communicating well... Key factor in any marriage. My husband and I spent hours and hours discussing religion before we marries. Neither of us are that religious, but we grew up with traditions and as people those are hard to let go.

But we spoke about it and it hasn't been an issue in our marriage. We knw the other person's heart and respect their needs. And we continue to discuss God. And the role religion plays in our life as individuals and as a married couple.

[JoBri 545]

It is a tough decision for me to message here, because it makes one so vulnerable and open to so much criticism and hurtful comments. But I will spill it all here anyway.

I have been married going on 8 years now. I too had certain gut feelings that things were not all right. But I am wishy washy I guess and could not walk away from her, and always chose to believe the best in spite of everything pointing to confirmation of my gut feelings. I should have figured it all out when she first began to seem distant. I had another chance to figure it all out when she disappeared for 2 weeks and reappeared again only 10 days before we were to meet. Then again when we married in her country and she didnt plan on staying with me the night of our marriage, but rather to go home to her shared apartment and on to work that next day. Or maybe I should have figured it out when she was packing to come here and told me on the phone that it is the saddest day of her life. And then I should have figured it out too when she was here and I stumbled on a text message (that I asked someone in the Philippines to translate for me) saying "I dont have the money for a ticket yet! LOL". And then I woke her up and asked her about that and she said it was a joke. I should have figured things out when I discovered that contrary to us having a child together for each of us for the very first time, as she lead me to believe, she already had a daughter in the Philippines she never told me about.... even though by that time we already were married for a year. I should have figured things out when the parents of her's she told me were dead were not dead, although supposedly her aunt and uncle raised her, according to her, because her parents did not want her. Who knows the real story about that and many other things? Or maybe I should have figured it out when the day after we had the interview for her temporary green card she flew back for a 2 week visit to the Philippines. Maybe I should have figured things out when we found out she was pregnant, and she said "I wish I were dead". Or maybe I should have figured things out when I had to go to an appointment and when I got home she was gone. She had friends she made here who took her to the airport to fly back to the Philippines. But one week after she was back home she said she had a chance to "figure things out" and she wanted to come back to me. She was 8 weeks pregnant by me at that time.

Since all the above, we somehow managed to tuck all the above conveniently away, never talking about it once. That doesnt mean I dont think about all that stuff. And it has never been good for our relationship, me thinking about all that stuff. I dont know if she even realizes I think about it all still. I dont talk about it and niether does she. But I forever will have pain inside because of it all. And I will always have a great deal of insecurities. I feel very sad and very insecure a LOT because of all the above, and our marriage is not close and intimate as I wish it were. But we do alright together. The biggest thing to me is our almost 5 year old son who I adore.

Today we have an alright marriage. Live and let live is how it pretty much goes. She is doing her thing and I am raising our son. But we are all together. Things arent too bad today, but it is not the close, intimate, loving marriage I always dreamed of. Sometimes I feel like I am married to a roommate, rather than the deepest love of my life. But we get along. It is just kind of empty feeling...other than my son, who is the greatest gift to me on earth.

[DoubleT 7]

10 foot barge pole anyone? Seriously, you need to delay this as much as possible, figure it out before the k1 is approved and he moves. I think he just wants to get into the states via marrying you. He may have other family there other than his Uncle maybe even a girlfriend who knows.

TAKE YOUR TIME! Good luck. Its probably better if your heart breaks now than in a few months/years time when youve invested a lot emotionally and financially.

[Lost in MoA 3]

A week ago I contacted the Manila Embassy and withdrew my petition. All she had to do was make appointments - it was that close to a done deal.. I

was torn at the time but in the end I listened to what I was saying to myself..

A week later I still miss her so much and I have weak moments. But my stress level is lessening, I did the right thing. You can too babe..

Bill

[ohzee64 1]

Take your time. Follow your instincts. These long distance relationships are not for the weak and feeble. Maybe he has the change of heart and is telling you things he knows will not be to your liking. if this is someone you plan to marry. Seems you need to talk and be honest with him about your feelings. good luck!

[D.Ba 85]

"Its so hurtful to have these thoughts unsaid and speak loving words to him at the same time. It feels hypocritical."

Why can you not talk about all of this with him? Bring it up!

[Sharon&josh 6]

Considering you are feeling this way maybe now is the time to look at everything that you have been feeling and assess the whole situation. You are having these nagging feelings for a reason, and trusting your gut is the best way to go about it. LDRs are not for the weak in heart or spirit, but if you are doubting him, especially considering that he is keeping huge parts of his life from you now would be the time to look at the relationship as a whole and see everything with a clear head rather than your heart. I hope you get everything sorted out, and whatever you do, let it be for the best for you.